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Monte,
I live in my thinking brain all the time. T keeps trying to move me from my thinking brain to my feelings. It is always a challenge. I keep wanting to think my way out of my problem but T keeps telling me I'm not going to be able to do that. I have to feel it.
My T has used an empty chair technique with me. She had me bring in some pictures of myself at different stages of childhood and some pictures of my children. She started with the pictures of my kids and had me talk to the pictures and tell them how much I loved them. Then she put the pictures of little me in the chair and asked me to do the same for me. This definatly made me very emotional. I was crying "talking" to the pictures of my kids. When she put up the pictures of me I could only have compassion for the youngest picture. My self hatred came out very strongly and I could not show any compassion to the pictures of myself beyond 5 years old. We have done this technique one other time and she wants to do something experiential every week now (I see her twice a week).
http://www.psychologytoday.com...-9-the-empty-chair-1
This link describes the technique. Maybe ask your T if he has ever tried a technique like this. It is scary for me but it does really seem to help me get to that place of feeling in session.
Hope this helps.
Jillann
I live in my thinking brain all the time. T keeps trying to move me from my thinking brain to my feelings. It is always a challenge. I keep wanting to think my way out of my problem but T keeps telling me I'm not going to be able to do that. I have to feel it.
My T has used an empty chair technique with me. She had me bring in some pictures of myself at different stages of childhood and some pictures of my children. She started with the pictures of my kids and had me talk to the pictures and tell them how much I loved them. Then she put the pictures of little me in the chair and asked me to do the same for me. This definatly made me very emotional. I was crying "talking" to the pictures of my kids. When she put up the pictures of me I could only have compassion for the youngest picture. My self hatred came out very strongly and I could not show any compassion to the pictures of myself beyond 5 years old. We have done this technique one other time and she wants to do something experiential every week now (I see her twice a week).
http://www.psychologytoday.com...-9-the-empty-chair-1
This link describes the technique. Maybe ask your T if he has ever tried a technique like this. It is scary for me but it does really seem to help me get to that place of feeling in session.
Hope this helps.
Jillann
Hey Monte, I could have written your thread. It is hard to let go and show my true authentic feelings in front of T. If only we could walk out the door from T and then go immediately back in and process with them. In my case anyway, I think I might get to where I want to go sooner.
Fortunately T lets me leave voicemails for her and let me tell you, she gets on occasion, the full force of my emotions. It is much easier for me if she isn't sitting there looking at me. We both know I need to do better when in her presence but it's really hard as you are indicating. Sometimes I think my emotions seem so overwhelming that maybe T will be turned off by them. I know that's crazy thinking on my part but it is enough to hold me back in front of her.
I don't know if your T will let you leave voicemails but it does help me to at least get a little closer to the feelings in session. We did some work last night on some pretty intense emotions that I dumped on her voicemail and got a lot of work done. Left me completely exhausted.
Keep at it and hopefully Something let loose for you in session. Take care.
Fortunately T lets me leave voicemails for her and let me tell you, she gets on occasion, the full force of my emotions. It is much easier for me if she isn't sitting there looking at me. We both know I need to do better when in her presence but it's really hard as you are indicating. Sometimes I think my emotions seem so overwhelming that maybe T will be turned off by them. I know that's crazy thinking on my part but it is enough to hold me back in front of her.
I don't know if your T will let you leave voicemails but it does help me to at least get a little closer to the feelings in session. We did some work last night on some pretty intense emotions that I dumped on her voicemail and got a lot of work done. Left me completely exhausted.
Keep at it and hopefully Something let loose for you in session. Take care.
My T gets the fairly unemotional me in session. I don't show anger, frustration, happiness, sadness, emotion - at all. Yet I feel so much of it. I get to session and I go blank. Yet my T is a great T and we have a great relationship. I shed a few tears mostly each session but I don't ever cry.
Any strong emotion or feelings come up - i go into shutdown.
Yet. I will leave the session and almost immediately be filled with raging anger and frustration and sadness and tears. The absolute anger makes me literally scream. A few times I SH immediately as I am so angry at myself.
Depending on how I calm down - inevitably i will email T and she will get the anger in an email - altho rarely I will tell her exactly what she did to cause the anger in me. The best I can do (and it is great progress) is that I will tell her that she does and says things that make me really angry - but I won't or can't tell her what it is).
I think I am still so far away of expressing authentic emotion in session - I feel so fake and half there.
For me anger = bad. I got angry at old T and she terminated me. Anger in my childhood was dangerous. Anger in my marriage is 100% frustration as I am unable to express it. Anger = self harm now.
So this is such a difficult topic for me. I want to process real, raw stuff too. I want to be authentic and not be the actor who turns up each session. I love my T, I am not scared of her, I mostly trust her - but I can't let myself go.
Somedays
Any strong emotion or feelings come up - i go into shutdown.
Yet. I will leave the session and almost immediately be filled with raging anger and frustration and sadness and tears. The absolute anger makes me literally scream. A few times I SH immediately as I am so angry at myself.
Depending on how I calm down - inevitably i will email T and she will get the anger in an email - altho rarely I will tell her exactly what she did to cause the anger in me. The best I can do (and it is great progress) is that I will tell her that she does and says things that make me really angry - but I won't or can't tell her what it is).
I think I am still so far away of expressing authentic emotion in session - I feel so fake and half there.
For me anger = bad. I got angry at old T and she terminated me. Anger in my childhood was dangerous. Anger in my marriage is 100% frustration as I am unable to express it. Anger = self harm now.
So this is such a difficult topic for me. I want to process real, raw stuff too. I want to be authentic and not be the actor who turns up each session. I love my T, I am not scared of her, I mostly trust her - but I can't let myself go.
Somedays
Wow Monts, that is really relevant for what happens with me. I have a lot of anger right now toward my T. I am trying to express it to her via email and started to verbalise it last session but closed up when she went defensive. To me that is what you describe - whatever she responds - I perceive as rejecting my attempts at expressing my feelings to her and also to her not believing me. Her defending her actions is telling me that I am wrong and that my anger is not worthy.
I just emailed her about trying to explain things and then I read your post and thought of my words here. Now I am going to have to send her another email as it helped me understand what is happening more.
I WANT to be angry with her at the moment.
SD
I just emailed her about trying to explain things and then I read your post and thought of my words here. Now I am going to have to send her another email as it helped me understand what is happening more.
I WANT to be angry with her at the moment.
SD
Monte, I used to have this problem, too. I would not be aware at all in session of how I was feeling and reacting to things, then they would hit me later, sometimes immediately after I left and sometimes up to 24 hours later.
There are a couple of things that helped me with this. My T likes to do body-focused work, and for a long time I couldn't do that kind of thing in a guided way with her, or talk much about it, but one thing she did that helped was to give me more space in session to sit with myself and notice what I was feeling in my body. We would just sit in silence a lot, and she wouldn't be looking at me or anything, and I would just let myself sit there and notice what I was feeling and where and sit with it and try to identify it. For a while she would always give me a little space before the end to try to make sure I wasn't walking out with anything too big.
Another thing that helped me was using some IFS-type techniques to get to know my protective system better. What I did was get a notebook and divide it into two sides and try to have a conversation with the protective parts of myself that wouldn't let me feel or do whatever else in therapy. You may feel pretty frustrated with those parts, but the fact is they adapted the strategies they have to help you survive in some previous situation, so there was a positive purpose behind what they are doing. However, sometimes in talking with them they can be persuaded to trust you and realize how the present situation is different from the past, and therefore to let down their guard to some degree. It just takes a lot of patience and understanding to do, because if you try to force a change it definitely won't happen.
There are a couple of things that helped me with this. My T likes to do body-focused work, and for a long time I couldn't do that kind of thing in a guided way with her, or talk much about it, but one thing she did that helped was to give me more space in session to sit with myself and notice what I was feeling in my body. We would just sit in silence a lot, and she wouldn't be looking at me or anything, and I would just let myself sit there and notice what I was feeling and where and sit with it and try to identify it. For a while she would always give me a little space before the end to try to make sure I wasn't walking out with anything too big.
Another thing that helped me was using some IFS-type techniques to get to know my protective system better. What I did was get a notebook and divide it into two sides and try to have a conversation with the protective parts of myself that wouldn't let me feel or do whatever else in therapy. You may feel pretty frustrated with those parts, but the fact is they adapted the strategies they have to help you survive in some previous situation, so there was a positive purpose behind what they are doing. However, sometimes in talking with them they can be persuaded to trust you and realize how the present situation is different from the past, and therefore to let down their guard to some degree. It just takes a lot of patience and understanding to do, because if you try to force a change it definitely won't happen.
Wow, this thread has really triggered some big stuff in me and is relevant for the anger I feel toward my T at the moment. I just wrote a lengthy email to her expressing some really tough stuff.
GULP....
SD
GULP....
SD
quote:The IFS/notebook idea - you mean you do it when alone?
Yes, I do that at home on my own.
quote:He suggests I need to be in control of my inner self, not the other way around, and that if I am in control, I will be able to tap into it at will rather than be at its mercy.
Hi Monte
This quote you wrote really resonated with me because it's the exact same thing my T tells me. He tells me that mini-me is running the show when I'm in that place that hampers my life and causes me problems as an adult. He would like me to make friends with her and use her strengths to integrate with the adult me's qualities and then I will not be at the mercy of a child who does not know any better and who remains stuck in the past trauma. It's hard though as I've written here in the past. I abhor that part of me so making friends is not working too well so far.
You mention your protectors and I have them/it as well which I have recently figured out. Someone here mentioned (BLT I think) that it would be a good starting place for T to work with the protector and befriend that part to allow access to the younger Monte so you can eventually integrate her.
My own emotional life in therapy has been varied. When I began with oldT I rarely shed a tear. Once or twice when talking about my dear grandmother I got teary but that was all. I really began to cry/sob with him when he began to threaten to send me away and those last weeks with him were filled with tears. I think I was already grieving his loss and was terrified.
With my current T, well I walked into see him as a basket case. I was so traumatized and vulnerable. Totally without defenses and I cried and cried with him about oldT. I didn't really know him and I didn't care at that point what he thought about me. But now...I cry much less and show my emotions much less. In my case some of this is because I have to run out of there in 45 minutes and be back at work with high function of my skills and sitting in the midst of many other co-workers. This has become a real stumbling block to my doing any real emotional work with T. But I know this is not the case for you.
I just think you are so well defended that the tears are almost afraid to fall. And with good reason Monte. You had an extremely difficult childhood and those defenses enabled you to survive. But you don't need then now. Those defenses are hampering your healing.
Sorry I don't have an easy solution but I am glad you posted and feel able to have a discussion about this. I think it's a good first step.
Best,
TN
(((MONTE)))
I have struggled with this myself and know how frustrating this can be and how illusive a solution seems.
Why not change the focus and talk to T about what he does to "cause" your hurt? You know how it is when we focus on something that is just out of reach and how that can actually frustrate the process. It might be just the way he is but it will help you understand better why you react the way you do and the things people IRL (or in the past) do that hurt you and why.
For instance, I've been getting a bit hurt by my T for the past month. In the normal course of things I'm always very appreciative but when I go through these patches, I feel such rage and feel all twisted and distorted inside. It's hard for me when I am more critical of him becaue I'm afraid he's going to terminate mebut these feelings are important to integrate. I'm terrified that he will abandon me if I am anything less than appreciative.
I've asked him to be patient with me as we explore these powerful feelings together. He has acknowledged that he can get defensive, which doesn't always help the process. He didn't realize initially that he was getting defensive and that it was causing me to shut down and for the same issue to come up over and over again. It's NOT just all about us, the client. It's all an interaction. NOT that it's T's fault BUT it's likely happening for you time and time again out in the real world.
Sorry I'm just rambling now.
I have struggled with this myself and know how frustrating this can be and how illusive a solution seems.
quote:He might do or say something/not do or say something that I perceive as rejecting or abandoning and I will then flood with pain. But because he has 'caused it', I cannot express it and reach out for his response. He is the 'now' source of most of my inner pain, though not the origin of it of course. I want to feel my original pain and speak of it and experience his response, but the only sure way to access it is via him treating me 'badly' in the here and now...but then of course all I want to do is run.
Why not change the focus and talk to T about what he does to "cause" your hurt? You know how it is when we focus on something that is just out of reach and how that can actually frustrate the process. It might be just the way he is but it will help you understand better why you react the way you do and the things people IRL (or in the past) do that hurt you and why.
For instance, I've been getting a bit hurt by my T for the past month. In the normal course of things I'm always very appreciative but when I go through these patches, I feel such rage and feel all twisted and distorted inside. It's hard for me when I am more critical of him becaue I'm afraid he's going to terminate mebut these feelings are important to integrate. I'm terrified that he will abandon me if I am anything less than appreciative.
I've asked him to be patient with me as we explore these powerful feelings together. He has acknowledged that he can get defensive, which doesn't always help the process. He didn't realize initially that he was getting defensive and that it was causing me to shut down and for the same issue to come up over and over again. It's NOT just all about us, the client. It's all an interaction. NOT that it's T's fault BUT it's likely happening for you time and time again out in the real world.
Sorry I'm just rambling now.