Summer,

Did you ever have that last appointment?

I see your new P's point, but I wouldn't be able to break cold turkey from my T. It's such an intimate relationship, and then to just have it disappear is so painful.

On the other hand, he seems to give you mixed messages. How would you feel if you called and he didn't return your call for a few days or something like that? But then he said something like, "You're not bothering me when you call." You'd be back in the boat you've been in. You'd be saying, "Should I call him or shouldn't I? I don't want to bug him, but he says I'm not. But he doesn't return my call," etc. It's just too confusing.

Your therapist may be right about the countertransference thing, because his way of reacting is not what one would expect. Or maybe, he feels responsible for his clients, but he also wants his freedom, and struggles between these two. Whatever it is, it sounds like he's struggling, feeling ambivalent, and so are you, and that makes for a confusing mess with no way to get footing.

If you do call him, the fewer expectations you have, the better, I think.

How painful this sounds! I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Did you say before that he said you could contact him by phone, but just for three months? If you think it might help to slowly let go, then go ahead and make the calls (with fewer expectations, like you said above).

I have continued contact with my son's T, who I became very attached to. We stopped seeing her in December, but I still see her in town occasionally and at a parent support group every month or so. I have emailed her occasionally and talked with her a little about some issues going on in my life right now.

I have to say it is hard when I do talk to her because it's very limited and not at all what I want. It seems I go through the pain of separation every time I see her. Maybe it's getting easier but sometimes it doesn't seem like it. If I knew there would at one point never be any contact, I think I'd want to cut it off now to avoid the continued pain, to just get it over with. The difference for me is that I know she is still in my life, although in a very limited capacity, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

So I myself would recommend breaking all contact, if it's only for a limited time anyway. If on the other hand, he's offering you phone contact for an unspecified amount of time, or even corresponding with him by mail, I would be more likely to take him up on the offer (with, of course, the lower expectations).

OW