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Hi Echo... I don't really feel that a T/P showing emotion is crossing any boundaries. My T has openly cried with me on a number of occasions. We are working through some really difficult stuff at times and he is only human and he feels emotion. I actually feel more healing being done when I see him get emotional over what we are discussing. I guess it's because I FEEL it more in my right brain. It's the deep attunement that I feel from him that is so healing to me. Some Ts may be more able to keep their emotions in check or they may come from a different perspective that feels it is not good for the client to see their emotions. My T happens to show his emotions and it works for me so I prefer this. If he sat there emotionless I think I would feel that I was making too much of what happnened in my life. I'm not saying that everyone would feel this way... just that it's healing for me to have a T who shows and shares his emotions. I think we all eventually are able to figure out what works for us and what style T is the one we need.
TN
TN
Hi Echo,Summer and TN.
I'm not really sure what the right response is from a T but I agree with Summer in that getting it out in the open is very important, particularly if it confuses you. And it isn't your fault your T cried, again, like summer said it could have triggered something he had experienced in the past. Your giggling could also be down to being nervous or surprised at his reaction.
Like TN I wanted my T to show an emotional response as it also felt more "real" to me. Him sitting there telling me how brave I was didn't get through to me but when he showed some anger about someone who had hurt me badly by using an expletive I felt so good, like he really cared. And in the last session I bawled my eyes out but besides a very sad look in his eyes I didn't get anymore. However, after our last convo I could hear emotion in his voice. I needed it. The same way I needed physical contact with my ex-boyfriend to reassure me he was interested.
Mrs. P
I'm not really sure what the right response is from a T but I agree with Summer in that getting it out in the open is very important, particularly if it confuses you. And it isn't your fault your T cried, again, like summer said it could have triggered something he had experienced in the past. Your giggling could also be down to being nervous or surprised at his reaction.
Like TN I wanted my T to show an emotional response as it also felt more "real" to me. Him sitting there telling me how brave I was didn't get through to me but when he showed some anger about someone who had hurt me badly by using an expletive I felt so good, like he really cared. And in the last session I bawled my eyes out but besides a very sad look in his eyes I didn't get anymore. However, after our last convo I could hear emotion in his voice. I needed it. The same way I needed physical contact with my ex-boyfriend to reassure me he was interested.
Mrs. P
Hi Echo,
I can relate to the awkwardness. I am a total train wreck when it comes to social situations and could easily be put into the "nerd/dork" category. I hate answering phones, meeting new people, having to order or ask for things. Hate it!
As for the "attraction issue"-for me just giving it such an almost formal title highlights the awkwardness of this. Ok, granted you are both human but how is he dealing with it. He should be open and somewhat relaxed about this, after all, it is his job to be so. Does the fiasco part only pertain to the awkwardness over the attraction or is there more to it i.e. is the rest of your therapy making some headway, however slight? It shouldn't be your job to try to make things less awkward.
Take care,
Mrs. P
I can relate to the awkwardness. I am a total train wreck when it comes to social situations and could easily be put into the "nerd/dork" category. I hate answering phones, meeting new people, having to order or ask for things. Hate it!
As for the "attraction issue"-for me just giving it such an almost formal title highlights the awkwardness of this. Ok, granted you are both human but how is he dealing with it. He should be open and somewhat relaxed about this, after all, it is his job to be so. Does the fiasco part only pertain to the awkwardness over the attraction or is there more to it i.e. is the rest of your therapy making some headway, however slight? It shouldn't be your job to try to make things less awkward.
Take care,
Mrs. P
Did you really make your shrink cry?
on purpose??? or may be you were looking for attention???
at some point with my counsellor, I was worried about him getting too emotional with me. It was a yucky feeling. I didn't understand why he became so emotional. I guess he really meant it when he said that I am special(in a certain way) and that he cares about me and he would be by my side and he is happy about that.
He was encouraging me to leave my husband and I actually almost did that!!!
talking therapy can be very dangerous. It's not for everyone. Especially counsellors.
My poor counsellor was very emotional, weak, didn't know how to set boundaries at all.
If you really want to get better, focus on yourself, not your T's emotions
on purpose??? or may be you were looking for attention???
at some point with my counsellor, I was worried about him getting too emotional with me. It was a yucky feeling. I didn't understand why he became so emotional. I guess he really meant it when he said that I am special(in a certain way) and that he cares about me and he would be by my side and he is happy about that.
He was encouraging me to leave my husband and I actually almost did that!!!
talking therapy can be very dangerous. It's not for everyone. Especially counsellors.
My poor counsellor was very emotional, weak, didn't know how to set boundaries at all.
If you really want to get better, focus on yourself, not your T's emotions
Hi echo,
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. My therapist has definitely misted up at times and gotten emotional in response to things I'm talking about or in couples counseling, things my husband is relating. Sometimes it's in response to something really painful that I'm relating but he can also get pretty emotional when he sees significant healing take place. He doesn't cry, especially with me, because him being under control is really important for me, but he does respond. I have often found it to be very healing to see his response to what I'm telling him.
When we experience abuse or neglect, especially if it was long-term childhood abuse, it's the norm. So we often minimize what happened, or we take responsibility for stuff we shouldn't take responsbility for. So someone else's sadness or anger or horror can often be our first glimpse into our buried or denied feelings. I have often found that my Ts (and others) emotional reactions to what I went through to be very validating.
So I don't necessarily think that a T getting emotional is indicative of a boundary problem. It can be, because they have to maintain a certain level of detachment in order to help provide insight and letting themselves get too emotionally involved can disrupt that. But I also think that therapy is a reparative relationship and emotions are an important component in human relationships. So in showing us those reactions, I think they can be modeling what a healthy emotional response looks like.
And I so totally get the smiling and/or giggling thing. I do it when I get nervous or uncomfortable. My T actually pointed it out to me one time and since then I am more aware when I start to do that.
AG
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. My therapist has definitely misted up at times and gotten emotional in response to things I'm talking about or in couples counseling, things my husband is relating. Sometimes it's in response to something really painful that I'm relating but he can also get pretty emotional when he sees significant healing take place. He doesn't cry, especially with me, because him being under control is really important for me, but he does respond. I have often found it to be very healing to see his response to what I'm telling him.
When we experience abuse or neglect, especially if it was long-term childhood abuse, it's the norm. So we often minimize what happened, or we take responsibility for stuff we shouldn't take responsbility for. So someone else's sadness or anger or horror can often be our first glimpse into our buried or denied feelings. I have often found that my Ts (and others) emotional reactions to what I went through to be very validating.
So I don't necessarily think that a T getting emotional is indicative of a boundary problem. It can be, because they have to maintain a certain level of detachment in order to help provide insight and letting themselves get too emotionally involved can disrupt that. But I also think that therapy is a reparative relationship and emotions are an important component in human relationships. So in showing us those reactions, I think they can be modeling what a healthy emotional response looks like.
And I so totally get the smiling and/or giggling thing. I do it when I get nervous or uncomfortable. My T actually pointed it out to me one time and since then I am more aware when I start to do that.
AG
Hi Echo,
Sorry I was so slow in getting back to you.
Again, I'm going to reiterate that the crying thing is not so unusual in my opinion, it seems like he has real empathy with your situation.
However I do feel like the alarm bells are starting to go off a bit in my head about how mutual the "flirting" or discomfort is. I think it's natural for you to have strong feelings for your T (and I don't mean that in a patronizing way, it could be that if you met outside therapy that you could have hit it off) I feel weary of him being awkward around you and the possibility of boundaries being broken. Just because I don't want you getting hurt. And since you've mentioned that if someone from the outside saw you both they would be weary too, I presume you know that something's amiss.
I do understand the awkwardness, it was getting worse and worse the longer I met my ex-T. However, it was totally one-sided. And while it was so hard, there was never any fear of the boundaries being broken. Yes it hurt like hell and still does but I have to reassure myself that it would have hurt much much more if I couldn't trust him to keep the boundaries.
I felt like persevering with my therapy with him was ok as I knew he wouldn't cross the line no matter how bad I felt. I hope you've got the same safety and support.
Mrs. P
Sorry I was so slow in getting back to you.
Again, I'm going to reiterate that the crying thing is not so unusual in my opinion, it seems like he has real empathy with your situation.
However I do feel like the alarm bells are starting to go off a bit in my head about how mutual the "flirting" or discomfort is. I think it's natural for you to have strong feelings for your T (and I don't mean that in a patronizing way, it could be that if you met outside therapy that you could have hit it off) I feel weary of him being awkward around you and the possibility of boundaries being broken. Just because I don't want you getting hurt. And since you've mentioned that if someone from the outside saw you both they would be weary too, I presume you know that something's amiss.
I do understand the awkwardness, it was getting worse and worse the longer I met my ex-T. However, it was totally one-sided. And while it was so hard, there was never any fear of the boundaries being broken. Yes it hurt like hell and still does but I have to reassure myself that it would have hurt much much more if I couldn't trust him to keep the boundaries.
I felt like persevering with my therapy with him was ok as I knew he wouldn't cross the line no matter how bad I felt. I hope you've got the same safety and support.
Mrs. P
I think my T misted up a little tonight, and I'm a little freaked out by it.
After Wednesday, we're off for two weeks, and I came in tonight and read this 4 page letter I'd written to him about my struggles to let down my f-ing emotional guard so I can actually start getting somewhere with therapy.
I recounted the time back in 2008 when he forgot to mention that he was going on vacation and how crushed I was about that. I recalled the dream I had just after that where I'm about 10 years old and he puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "I'm sorry," and I jerk his hand away in a fit of hurt anger. When I looked up, his eyes were welling up.
I was really stunned to see this, and I don't know what to think about it. I really wish I could say that it was a wonderful thing, but man, I'm kinda freaked!
Suggestions?
Russ
After Wednesday, we're off for two weeks, and I came in tonight and read this 4 page letter I'd written to him about my struggles to let down my f-ing emotional guard so I can actually start getting somewhere with therapy.
I recounted the time back in 2008 when he forgot to mention that he was going on vacation and how crushed I was about that. I recalled the dream I had just after that where I'm about 10 years old and he puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "I'm sorry," and I jerk his hand away in a fit of hurt anger. When I looked up, his eyes were welling up.
I was really stunned to see this, and I don't know what to think about it. I really wish I could say that it was a wonderful thing, but man, I'm kinda freaked!
Suggestions?
Russ
Russ,
I can see where it might stir things up in you to see this. I think your T was tearing up a bit because he was realizing that he might have hurt you even though he didn't intend to. It sounds like he values the relationship and your feelings. He was probably also feeling the intensity of your emotion.
My T has occasionally teared up as well, but I always see it as a sign that she truly hears me and sees my pain. If she were to get really upset then I would freak because I would feel bad for making her feel bad, but when she just tears up it makes me feel like she really understands me and the depth of what I'm dealing with.
I can see where it might stir things up in you to see this. I think your T was tearing up a bit because he was realizing that he might have hurt you even though he didn't intend to. It sounds like he values the relationship and your feelings. He was probably also feeling the intensity of your emotion.
My T has occasionally teared up as well, but I always see it as a sign that she truly hears me and sees my pain. If she were to get really upset then I would freak because I would feel bad for making her feel bad, but when she just tears up it makes me feel like she really understands me and the depth of what I'm dealing with.
Thanks STRM,
I guess what's more alarming to me is MY lack of a response. I want it to mean something other than being like, "whoa, dude, what's up with that?"
Well, there's my problem right there. That wall of resistance to opening up for real. Ugh, how to break that wall down.
Russ
I guess what's more alarming to me is MY lack of a response. I want it to mean something other than being like, "whoa, dude, what's up with that?"
Well, there's my problem right there. That wall of resistance to opening up for real. Ugh, how to break that wall down.
Russ
Russ,
You break it down very slowly. You don't charge at it with both barrels and just break it down because that will make it worse. It will happen over time. It is just going to take a long time and I know that in itself can be hard. Hang in there, you are doing the work!
You break it down very slowly. You don't charge at it with both barrels and just break it down because that will make it worse. It will happen over time. It is just going to take a long time and I know that in itself can be hard. Hang in there, you are doing the work!
Hey. I have the same problem but it seems even bigger because I only had 2 sessions with this therapist so far. She never really cries but her eyes get red and weepy everytime I talk about my family and stuff that happened when I was younger. And those are just things, nothing exstremely dramatical, things I got over long time ago - and she's just being overwhelmed... Or she cries when I tell her how I feel about her and sessions we have. Why? Could it be that she is not getting enough affection in her private life? Or maybe she's starting to grow feelings for me?(that would be scary). Everybody tells me to quit seeing her, because a therapist should be rather apathic. I don't really want to discuss her feelings with her - that's not why I'm paying her. And I don't want to tell her how I feel about her being like this, because she gets like that all over again. She's a good therapist though. Makes me think deeper about myself and the feelings i feel. Do you think I should "dump" her too??
Hello ab3000, welcome to the forum!
Your therapy sounds quite confusing - and from my point of view quite frightening if your T is bringing so much of her own feelings into the sessions. Having said that, if you’ve only seen her twice it might be too early to tell one way or the other. If you are already talking to her about how you feel about her, this early in therapy, maybe there is a genuine connection between you that is actually good?
I couldn’t tell you whether to dump her or not - that’s something only you can decide depending on whether you feel the therapy is helpful to you or not. I’d suggest though that you talk it over with her first, how her crying makes you feel (therapy is, after all, about YOU) and see how she responds.
Lots of Ts respond in different ways - I don’t think there is one particular rule for how much or how little emotion a T should bring to a session. Maybe giving it a little more time will help things become clearer for you?
LL
Your therapy sounds quite confusing - and from my point of view quite frightening if your T is bringing so much of her own feelings into the sessions. Having said that, if you’ve only seen her twice it might be too early to tell one way or the other. If you are already talking to her about how you feel about her, this early in therapy, maybe there is a genuine connection between you that is actually good?
I couldn’t tell you whether to dump her or not - that’s something only you can decide depending on whether you feel the therapy is helpful to you or not. I’d suggest though that you talk it over with her first, how her crying makes you feel (therapy is, after all, about YOU) and see how she responds.
Lots of Ts respond in different ways - I don’t think there is one particular rule for how much or how little emotion a T should bring to a session. Maybe giving it a little more time will help things become clearer for you?
LL
Hi!
It's been a month now, I'm still seeing my "crying T" so it obviously didn't scare me off as I thought it would. She doesn't cry anymore as I started to feel better and talk more optimistic. Now she's happy for me and she wishes me all the best so thats one emotion I deal with easier. I talked to my psychiatrist who is an older, very experienced man, so his point of view is tottaly different. He told me this story about how he asked one of his patients: "Why do you think I dont like you?" I'm not really sure what he tried to tell me with this story, so I'm still pretty much confused about the whole situation. He said I should talk to her about it as well, but I still didn't. And now that things are more relaxed and I open out easier, it seems like we're making some progress after all. I still would like to know where this comes from and / or whether she gets like this with other people or is it just me... She's a good therapist though and I'm being cooperative in this process 150%. Maybe someday things will be clearer. But I'd still rather see if she keeps her feelings to herself so afterwards there is no need in discussing them.
It's been a month now, I'm still seeing my "crying T" so it obviously didn't scare me off as I thought it would. She doesn't cry anymore as I started to feel better and talk more optimistic. Now she's happy for me and she wishes me all the best so thats one emotion I deal with easier. I talked to my psychiatrist who is an older, very experienced man, so his point of view is tottaly different. He told me this story about how he asked one of his patients: "Why do you think I dont like you?" I'm not really sure what he tried to tell me with this story, so I'm still pretty much confused about the whole situation. He said I should talk to her about it as well, but I still didn't. And now that things are more relaxed and I open out easier, it seems like we're making some progress after all. I still would like to know where this comes from and / or whether she gets like this with other people or is it just me... She's a good therapist though and I'm being cooperative in this process 150%. Maybe someday things will be clearer. But I'd still rather see if she keeps her feelings to herself so afterwards there is no need in discussing them.
Hi, ab3000...welcome back! glad it sounds like you are making progress in therapy! I still think it's a good idea to talk to her about whatever feelings you have have about her... not to talk about *her* feelings, but to talk about whatever feelings her feelings give *you* hah...if that makes sense.
But it sounds like you are opening up and things are going really well? that's great news...keep us posted...please know, that you are always so welcome to start your own thread on here...we'd love to hear your news, and, I only suggest it as you'd likely get more responses that way, since people would more likely see it!
Take care!
BB
But it sounds like you are opening up and things are going really well? that's great news...keep us posted...please know, that you are always so welcome to start your own thread on here...we'd love to hear your news, and, I only suggest it as you'd likely get more responses that way, since people would more likely see it!
Take care!
BB
Hi, it's been a while now since my last post. Not many things have happened though. Definitely nothing to start my own thread on here, ha-ha. I think this one suits me the best at this time. But thanks for the warm welcome.
I haven't seen my T in a month now. I guess I just didn't find the time or I didn't want to?! The whole month was basically really hectic for me. But I could squeeze her in if I wanted to (or needed her) and now a month has passed and I'm still unsure about what I want. Of course- I thought about not calling her, but then I think - why did I see her for so long then? (I say long because I'm not a very persistent person) She is not that bad. But there is something about her that scares the crap out of me and pushes me away. And it has a lot to do with her being so sensitive.
You remember when I told you I don't like to talk about her feelings, or the "relationship" we have? Well- she brought it up the last time I saw her. She said what we have is like "an old christmas ornament". You know, the one you have at home for ages and it once belonged to your great-great grandmother? I'm not very sure about what she meant with this. We only met 5 or 6 times. I am keeping my distance, and I also know she is waiting for me to call and schedule the next appointment. Maybe what she meant was that our relationship is fragile, and as clumsy and unreliable I am, I could brake it at any time.
But is this what I want for me?
I haven't seen my T in a month now. I guess I just didn't find the time or I didn't want to?! The whole month was basically really hectic for me. But I could squeeze her in if I wanted to (or needed her) and now a month has passed and I'm still unsure about what I want. Of course- I thought about not calling her, but then I think - why did I see her for so long then? (I say long because I'm not a very persistent person) She is not that bad. But there is something about her that scares the crap out of me and pushes me away. And it has a lot to do with her being so sensitive.
You remember when I told you I don't like to talk about her feelings, or the "relationship" we have? Well- she brought it up the last time I saw her. She said what we have is like "an old christmas ornament". You know, the one you have at home for ages and it once belonged to your great-great grandmother? I'm not very sure about what she meant with this. We only met 5 or 6 times. I am keeping my distance, and I also know she is waiting for me to call and schedule the next appointment. Maybe what she meant was that our relationship is fragile, and as clumsy and unreliable I am, I could brake it at any time.
But is this what I want for me?
Hi ab,
Hmmmm, it sounds like you are really torn about this T and whether you want to continue. I will tell you how I read her comment and you can see if maybe this fits for you. If not, toss it out!
I read it as her saying that like the old Christmas ornament, she will always be there. Every year you put that tree up and the ornament is there even though you didn't take it out all year. So, I think what she perhaps meant (and I'm just guessing here) is that even if you take a long break, she will still be there.
Hmmmm, it sounds like you are really torn about this T and whether you want to continue. I will tell you how I read her comment and you can see if maybe this fits for you. If not, toss it out!
I read it as her saying that like the old Christmas ornament, she will always be there. Every year you put that tree up and the ornament is there even though you didn't take it out all year. So, I think what she perhaps meant (and I'm just guessing here) is that even if you take a long break, she will still be there.