Hi Monte
Oh I wish I had more time but work is calling. It is so good to have you back and you need give no explanations to us. I think we all totally understand and have probably had the same fears ourselves. This forum can be an outet for our deepest thoughts and feelings so no wonder you need to be sure of your identity being protected and respected.
I have missed your contributions - have to dash (darn ) but lovely to see you post again.

stsarfish

OH MONTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad you're back!!! You had me worried and I'm glad that you're okay! Whew!! No, I'm pretty sure that noone could check out who you are on here (other than through your own computer if you stay logged on to the site and they go onto the site through the web browser history), so don't worry about that.

I know what you mean about disclosing stuff about yourself on here. It is hard, but for me it almost seems like therapy in and of itself, and since I only see my T twice a month it keeps me from totally falling apart! I think we can all relate a little at least to what you were feeling and I know that you were pretty stressed about going back to see your T after such a long break. I hope you've not been hard on yourself about all of this. It's good that you did what you felt you needed to do to feel safe when you weren't feeling safe. It makes sense.

Glad to hear you're still seeing your T and pushing yourself to work at it. Please let us know how you've been when you feel like it. I'm so glad you're back, and hope you feel safe enough to stick around! I've missed you...

MTF

Welcome back Monte!!!!!!!!!!

quote:

the act of letting people know so many personal details about my life made me feel so terribly uncomfortable. It felt dangerous in a completely irrational way. I even felt like my T would be angry that I am writing about him and posting it for the world to see. And then I was getting paranoid about my responses to other people’s posts and o-o-o-h-h…it just got too hard.

I've been there, I've been there. I go through this pretty regularly, just recently again as a matter of fact. Sometimes it's all I can do not to delete all my posts and bolt. So I very much understand how you were feeling...but I'm so glad you decided to come back! I missed you.

quote:

I held my hand up and said, “I’m not finished.”

I'm going to do a CT here and say "High-five!" Great job sticking up for yourself, Monte. And you did it so gracefully. I am so impressed too. That was awesome.

quote:

I can ‘hear’ things I missed the first time. I make connections. I hear where I’ve missed his point the first time.

That's pretty cool that you can go back and listen again. Wish I could have done something like this with my former T. I kept a journal which was pretty good but a recording would have been better.

quote:

I am very honest in writing but unbearably self-conscious and tongue-tied in person.

Me too. Kudos to you for working on this and on your eye contact. Very tough stuff!!

quote:

he offered no reassurance that it would ever be anything other than a counseling relationship. Gosh that hurts. Over the years he has made offers and I have interpreted them to mean there is some permanency beyond the therapeutic relationship on offer if I want to pursue it. Well I interpreted incorrectly. It hurts…as you would all understand. I feel angry that I have been somewhat mislead...even though it may be my fault for assuming too much and not checking out facts.

{{{{{Monte}}}}} It sounds to me like you interpreted what he said in the past absolutely correctly, and it was not your fault at all. He made a mistake in offering more to you beyond the therapeutic relationship, and it sounds like he is trying to correct his mistake now. I can really understand why that hurts, and why you feel angry, because you really were misled. But...and I know you know this...in the long run it would have hurt you much, much more if any of that ever would have been acted upon. Other members here have been hurt by T's who relaxed the boundaries, even though it felt good at the time (IHTS, CT for examples), and I think all of us at one time or another would go for the extras if they were offered...which is why it is so important for our T's to hold those boundaries. For your sake I'm really, really glad he's putting those boundaries back where they should have been in the first place. But your anger and hurt about it is totally understandable and I hope you keep talking to him about that. And us too, if it helps.

quote:

He also said sometimes he is a bit ‘thick’, in the way men are...ie, doesn’t pick up hints, subtleties in expression etc but that he hopes I persevere with him. I think he’s adorable and I trust him.

Wow. Based on everything you've said, it sounds like you have the foundations of a fantastic therapeutic relationship with this guy and will be able to do all kinds of good work and healing. I'm glad too that you are seeing him weekly now, and I look forward to hearing more about how it's going.

So good to have you back Monte!!

SG

WELCOME BACK!!!! Missed reading your posts so I am glad you are back!

Wow, Monte! I'm so proud of you!! You are making GREAT strides!! It sounds like you have really anted up and are getting "kick-butt" about your therapy. Way to go, lady!! I echo everything SG said and I am sure that the whole boundaries thing really hurts (I know cause I'm there myself), but at least you know where they are and can learn to deal with them, even though that's hard to do. It sounds like your T knows what he's doing, and knows himself and you, and those are super important; and the facts that you think he's adorable and that you can trust him aren't bad, either! Keep us posted! You're doing a fantastic job!!!

MTF

Monte,
I don't think we have 'met.' I am new here. Just wanted to say that I am glad you are OK and have decided to come back! I can definitely relate to your fear of being identified here. I have this huge fear that my T will find me and see what I have written about her. I often think how I would feel more comfortable if the forum were a little more private, but I relate so well to everyone here that I decided to take the chance. Freaks me out just talking about it though.
Wow - recording your sessions is very brave (because it would be really hard to face listening to myself!). I can see how valuable having the opportunity to listen again would be. I even find that after listening to a VM twice there are times I get a very different feel the 2nd time.
Anyway - Welcome Back!!

Hi Monte!!! It is SO awesome you came back, I have missed you! (I do understand completely though you're feelings in disappearing. I'm so glad you took the risk to come back.)

I am glad that you are able to engage more in therapy and open up. I was going to write a much longer reply, but I'm just going to say "dittos" to SGs post (I've been doing that alot lately, it's restful posting after SG. )

HAPPY DANCE!

Welcome back, Monte! It is reassuring to hear from you. I just want to apologize in case my thread on "Does Your T Know You Post on the Forum?" played any role in scaring you from coming back sooner. I myself have had times of what might be described as irrational fear about posting here. For example, in mid-February it suddenly occurred to me that maybe posting stuff about my therapy was being disloyal to my T, especially since I had never asked her "permission" to discuss our session content with others, and yet I expect complete confidentiality from her on her part. For awhile I felt like I had betrayed her with a double standard, lost her respect, and ruined my therapy. But when I "confessed" to my T about what I had done, she assured me that she was not offended or concerned, that she realized I probably needed to do a lot of processing after our sessions, and that the forum was a good place to do that. And besides, she reminded me that this is MY process, not hers. So it is my call whether I want to share it with others. But the anonymity of the forum is still very important, or most of us wouldn't risk it. Anyway, glad you are back!

Welcome back Monte. I too am new here and oh so worried about someone finding out who I am. I know the chances are slim to none but that doesn't make it any easier. I have to figure if they are here, then they are for the same reasons I am.

smiley

Nice to see you back Monte. And really good that you are getting somewhere positive with your T.

Welcome back, Monte!

Hi Monte,

First, thanks for your post to me in my thread yesterday about my issues with my T. Your words helped me a lot! I'm reading your words here

quote:

But it's everything about his willingness to make all this doable and his encouragement of my efforts and acknowledgement of my pain. So at present when I picture him, he has this glow about him that looks disturbingly halo-like.

The problem is...gosh...the nicer they are like that, the more they hook you. I worry about the dependance thing, that adoration thing. It's painful. I worry about connecting deeply with him and the ensuing pain. He is guiding me toward deep and meaningful connection with him...not in an inappropriate way, in a therapeutic context, but he is so human and accessible I can see problems on the horizon for me. I have known him for so long...going on 14 years. He says things like "We've known each other a long time and so blah-blah-blah..." referring to trust and vulnerability etc. It just puts this longing in your heart. Has anyone ever felt that? LOL!!!ROFL

and they are resonating with me 100%. Scary, especially since you mentioned that you and I have similar issues with our 24/7 preoccupation with our Ts, and when you said that you have a continuous internal dialogue with your T, even when you wake in the middle of the night. I was shocked to find that someone else has the same issue. Thank you for admitting to being as crazy as I am ! LOL After my session with my T today (and last session especially) I worry about the same things as you describe above. It's scary, isn't it? How we can make these people so wonderful (more so than they already are) and important to us and become so dependent on them? Yeah, I worry about having connected so deeply with my T last session, and today she revealed to me that for her that connection was emotional, physical, and even spiritual. Whoa. That scared me because I can't have any real relationship with her, and that is what I want. She's guiding me toward a deeper connection with her, too. She gave me a hug again after our session today and that makes me so happy inside (at the time) but also makes me scared that when I have to leave her it's going to crush me and I'm going to suffer tremendous pain over allowing myself to be so connected to her. She has assured me that by the time I leave therapy I won't feel that way, that I'll be ready to be on my own and won't need her anymore. Hard to imagine that being possible, but I have decided to try to trust her on this one, especially since she has reassured me that she won't make me go until I'm ready. Ugh. Anyway, I just wanted to say that yeah, I have felt that "longing" in my heart, and it's there each and every day. Sometimes I want it to go away and other times I don't EVER want it to go away. Sheesh is right!!!

MTF

quote:

That scared me because I can't have any real relationship with her, and that is what I want.

MTF,
I struggled for a very long time with the feeling the relationship with my T wasn't "real" so I understand how you're feeling. And there is an inherent ambivalence to the theraputic relationship that makes it even more difficult to believe in its reality. The truth is that the theraputic relationship is unique and unlike any other relationship we have, with very different rules. But I have finally learned that although it has much different boundaries than my other relationships, it is very real. Don't get me wrong, I can still struggle, almost daily, with wanting more than I can have within those boundaries, but I also know that what I have within those boundaries is very real. It's changed my life so much and I know I'm not imagining the very real depth of caring and intimacy within those boundaries.

quote:

She has assured me that by the time I leave therapy I won't feel that way, that I'll be ready to be on my own and won't need her anymore.

This one is also true. Trust me that I have been totally obsessed and was very dependent on my T for awhile. (What you and Monte are saying about the continuous internal dialogue sounds perfectly normal to me!). But that is how human beings learn to be independent by being dependent on another human being in order to learn the skills they need to stand on their own. It makes us feels like idiots, because we're supposed to be able to this when we're a small child but if we didn't get what we needed in some ways, we "freeze" or go awry, developmentally. The good news is that we can do it now with our T but because it brings up so many feelings from childhood that didn't go well the first time around, we can feel both like we are being incredibly childish and that its very scary. But there's a point to that constant internal dialogue. We eventually internalize our Ts and in a sense carry all that caring and understanding with us. They provide an internal voice that isn't always slamming us into walls, or telling us how inadequate we are.

Monte,
I understand your anger and disappointment in knowing you want something now that you can't have when it was once available. And I'm even happier that you can allow yourself to feel that anger and frustration and express it here. But may I also tell you (ducks behind couch, hiding HTML slapper) that I think its for the best?

Your T is right, Christ didn't draw these kinds of boundaries, but He's a special case. I believe that Christ lived a life of such perfect self-sacrifice that he could be in constant contact and still keep his own needs out of the relationship. But the rest of us, alas, are woefully human. The theraputic relationship needs to be all about your needs, which as adults, we can't expect in any other relationship. But in order for the Ts to make it all about us and not get burned out by our needs, they have to limit contact. I posted about this here: Boundaries I finally get 'em

It may be that having to sign that agreement was God's provision for your T to protect him from making a mistake that could have really injured you. The track record for combining a theraputic relationship with a personal one has a dismal track record for the patient.

But I do understand how badly you feel, please know I'm not minimizing your very real, very deep pain.

AG

quote:

I've been told this as well, BUT while I agree there will come a time we may not NEED to see them I don't believe that automatically lessens WANTING to see them or at least talk to them from time to time.

Hi FOT,
Thanks for pointing this out because you're completely correct. The good part is realizing that I don't need my T the same way anymore, that I am ready to do my life outside of therapy BUT the actual part about not seeing him regularly is pretty painful and I am definitely grieving about before leaving and I expect to do so awhile after I leave. My Ts door will remain open and he's even made comments about staying in touch with him (don't know if that contact will run both ways) but it's not the same thing as being able to see him regularly. That's the part that's still so difficult about leaving. I didn't mean to leave that part out.

AG

I'm really sorry Monte.

I'm so very sorry Monte for what happened to you, I can't begin to imagine how it has affected your life. You have every right to be angry or anything else you feel. I am sorry that I was so insensitive in the face of your pain and caused you more hurt.

Dear Monte,

I'm so, so sorry that happened to you. If you can handle a hug I'm offering one.

The experience of not being able to have what you need from your T at the moment must be both horribly triggering and almost unbearably painful.

I'm glad you could share what's coming up with us, and express a little of the feeling here. We are thinking of you, we care for you and we believe in your healing.

Jones

{{{{{Monte}}}}}

I can't even begin to say how sorry I am that you went through such a horrific experience. The scars that it left must run very deep...and I don't know for sure but I would imagine that the missed opportunities with your T are in some way connected to the pain of losing your father so suddenly and traumatically. We all want to come alongside and support you however we can. Please just know that you really are safe here, very cared about and loved.

SG

Oh ((((((((((Monte))))))))))), I am so terribly sorry, and I hope that my post above did not trigger you to get even more angry and sad. My heart is aching for you and the pain such a horrific trauma has had to have caused you throughout your life. No wonder you hurt so much, and long for a deep connection with your T, because you never got the chance to have that with your dad. I am so sorry...

I had a dad around, but he wasn’t really ‘there’. In fact there are times where I wonder if it would have been less damaging to me had he not been there at all. I have suffered a lot of emotional abuse and neglect that have left me forming attachments and trying to make deep connections with people that cannot give those things to me, and I know all too well the pain that comes from it. My attachment to my T is not the first experience I have had with this awful, hellish, obsessive ‘longing’ for a connection that ultimately cannot be anything like what I want it to be. I don't know how much you've read of my past posts, but I went through a relationship with a neighbor of mine (male) who was my physical therapist. I saw him at church each week (still do), am friends with his wife, and became friends with him through the process of seeing him 2-3 times a week. He worked on my back and neck for 3 months. He worked on my back using a plastic tool with some cocoa butter and on my neck with both the tool and his hands. In hindsight I realize that had it been all manual work, it would have spelled certain disaster, as there were a couple of times he massaged my back with his hands to feel for any remaining fibrosis and I realized that things could go awry (i.e. erotic transference) very easily if I didn’t watch myself.

In general I felt the same sorts of feelings for him that I feel toward my T now. It was a little different because he is a man, but they were not inappropriate--more like wanting him to take care of me, like having a dad to watch over me, protect me, guide me, give me advice, and all the things our Ts do for us, like unconditional positive regard, acceptance, encouragement, etc. However, my feelings and needs ended up getting overwhelmingly intense and powerful because our connection got stronger and stronger due to our frequent interaction with each other and the fact that we shared a lot with each other about ourselves in our conversations. He treated me like a friend rather than a patient (because in all reality there were not firm boundaries with him, and there SHOULD have been). He was the professional, but neglected to see that he needed to treat me like I was a patient and not a neighbor or friend. He had his own needs within our friendship, and they ultimately ended up being traumatic for me and caused him some of his own discomfort. I was as obsessed in my head with him as I am with my T now (same 24/7 preoccupation and same continuous internal dialog going on; same deep attachment issues; same strong desire and need for a deep connection). SCARY.

My T told me that was very unhealthy and self-destructive and she was quite shocked to find out that he had actually had so much a part to play in how much my relationship had traumatized me, since he is a professional and should recognize the potential traumatic effect that his lack of boundaries and the possible transference could have on a patient. Things between him and me got pretty ugly after a while because I ended up almost losing my sense of reality. It was like my needs were so important and so “life-and-death” that when he didn’t meet them in the way I wanted him to, I got really angry and started having “tantrums”. I would email him these nasty emails just firing off my feelings when he would give me some short and meaningless answer to a question I would ask him about something. I wasn’t even “present” while I was doing this stuff, either—it was like my amygdala (emotional part of the brain) would hijack my conscious mind and I was hostage to it until it was done with it’s mission. It was hell. Anyway, the poor guy did his best to help me see that I was being triggered by past traumas in my life and that I needed to dig and find out what was going on. It ended up being a really painful mess that has resulted in A LOT of pain and shame for me. I hurt him, he hurt me, and I had to admit to him that I was emotionally attached to him, and ask him to forgive me. I had to completely back away from him and sever the relationship and can never see him again for physical therapy, or just go up and talk to him as a friend, or anything. He was kind enough to not share any of what happened with his wife, or I'm sure she would have been really angry at me, as understanding these attachments isn't easy. My husband has felt very hurt and confused and thought that I must have had "feelings" for this guy, and it was all very ugly and difficult to explain and work through. Seeing him at church each week still triggers me almost a year later and things are just uncomfortable all around whenever we run into each other. It's been absolutely awful, and I wouldn't wish similar circumstances on even my worst enemy, as the repercussions of all of this have affected my life in many ways. It’s the main issue in my life that finally put me into therapy.

I guess what I’m saying Monte (and please don’t throw any knives and machetes at me ) is that I know it hurts, but in all reality (and I know this is the part that makes you angry to hear), it's true that what you want would end up hurting you even more. I'm not saying it would end up in the same sort of place my situation did, but I have really come to believe that dual relationships in therapy are not a positive thing, even though we think they would be wonderful (and believe me, I STILL have moments where I would LOVE to be my Ts daughter/friend/niece--anything). It may not seem like it, and believe me I know how much you want to have what you missed out on having with your T, but there is a reason that there are boundaries, as much as we hate them. I have been on both sides and as much as I HATE THOSE DAMN BOUNDARIES, I am also so VERY thankful that this time around they are there, even as much as they hurt me as I slam into them every single day of my life lately. I can’t believe I’m actually saying that I’m thankful for the boundaries, because a very large part of me really, REALLY hates them , but another part of me also doesn’t like that my T is soft with her boundaries. Like the hugs she gives me, that she would tell me she felt a spiritual connection with me (that's a huge trigger for me, actually), and the fact that she goes 20 minutes over with me sometimes, as well as a few other things she does that I think are not very healthy for me. Sometimes I wonder if my deep longing for her wouldn’t be so “deep” and painful if she had better boundaries. I don’t know, I guess it’s all speculation. I just want you to know that you have a great T who really cares about you and that is very clear and obvious to all of us here. Please trust that he is doing what is best for you, and I’m sure it’s not easy for him either. Enjoy the connection you have with him now, don't pine for what you can never have, what could have been but can now never be. Enjoy the "now". It's scary, yes; but it's all you can have. You can never go back, so why waste your mind's energy on years ago when you can waste it on tomorrow instead? Remember that your healing and your overall health are the goals, and I am sure that you and your T both want the very best for you, even if you have a hard time seeing that right now through the anger and the tears over what you feel you’ve missed. It's okay to grieve for those things, and grief includes anger, heartache, and much, much more. Again, I'm so very sorry. Please keep talking if you need to get it out--we're here to listen and support you how we can. Take care of yourself.

(((((((Hugs))))))) to you.

MTF

Monte

I have been following this thread, but not contributing to it, and was so so sorry to hear of your terrible experience. I think you are so brave to have posted that experience (whether you decide to remove it or not) and am sure you will receive comfort from the support here, even if the memory feels a little too real and scary all again for a wee while. The fact that you have talked about it to others here will help to validate what happened in your mind and your feelings around it. I am sure your T would be proud of you for doing so.

No wonder you have felt let down by people, there have been so many issues for you to have dealt with from such a tiny age Monte. It must be hard to trust and then not fear abandonment. Your T sounds solid in all this. I hope Tuesday goes ok for you - transparency can be scary but healing too . . .

Short post I am afraid, but big thoughts

starfish

Monte,

That 'transparency' is what will help you be able to finally feel 'held' by your T, even though he can't actually physically hold you while you let all of that crap out of you. I know that might not make sense, and I've only had just the tiniest taste of it, but the feeling is amazing and really indescribable. Just keep working on trusting him and moving toward that connection, as scary and sometimes painful as it is. I'm finding with every visit I have with my T and the more willing I am to be vulnerable and open and honest, the more free I feel and the more internal 'space' I have and I just feel lighter and better. It's hard to explain, but I feel more secure with her and the trust is coming, even though there is still definitely a great deal of trepidation with it all. Keep fighting the good fight, Monte! It will be worth it!!

MTF

STOP, MONTE!! STOP!! Actually, good luck! You'll do great and everything will go well. Just trust in yourself and your T. You just gotta love the pre-session jitters, eh? NOT!!! And I'm right there with you on the planning for next time as soon as I'm done with the session. We're quite the pair, aren't we! Best of luck, and let us know how it goes!!

MTF

Hi Monte

Been thinking of you since I read your post. Just hoping that your session was helpful for you and not as hard as you feared. That you managed to say what you needed too,
Hang in there - it'll be those equally awful post session jitters soon Aaagghh!

starfish

Monte,

quote:

Originally posted by monte:
He spent half an hour looking through stuff and hearing him gush on about it all that time was pretty special. And it felt strange being the ‘masterful’ one…I always feel in awe of him, but he was expressing awe for my talents and it was an odd feeling.

I know MY feelings in this aren't the ones that really matter here, but I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!! You did it!! You are making such amazing strides!! Look at yourself go, lady!! My heart just did this strange swelling thing when I read that part about him gushing on about your artwork. I'm so happy you took that step for yourself. It sounds like it was so worth it. Way to go! And I agree with BB that you have many talents, some of which we see here through your expression of self on the boards, and many that I know we don't. That 'odd feeling' was good for you to feel!

quote:

Then we talked and it was all good. In the last few weeks I have really pushed to be honest with him and talk…instead of email or bringing stuff in for him to read. And the eye contact is going very well and helps me feel connected, but I still feel so shy of him. By giving more he is giving more back, it works. I am being vulnerable and he is being very gentle and respectful with what I am giving. He told me that I bypass feelings and go straight into head mode, but that he wants to know what I’m feeling, not thinking. Also, he said something he has never said outright before and I know he said it purposefully, for the impact. He said quietly, ‘I care about you and what has happened to you.’ My radar (the one installed to pick up ‘I care’ indicators from him) beeped very rapidly then over-heated and blew a fuse.

I'm actually in tears. I feel so happy that you are making so much progress, as I remember that it's only been weeks since you started seeing your T again, and it was December before that, and you were doing most of your expression of feelings through writing. I am just amazed at your progress and the willingness you are showing to work at your relationship with your T and to open up to him and be vulnerable, despite your shyness and the difficulty of doing what you are doing. I know how hard it is because I'm experiencing the same fears myself. And I'm so pleased that your T is responding to you in such a positive way. That always helps, doesn't it?

quote:

So…it’s all good…but I’m not where I want to be yet. I want to talk openly about my feelings toward him and how his presence in my life is triggering so much pain…because the key is in that. I want to feel moved/safe to cry in his presence and experience a moment of comfort with him. He’s said that though his contract frowns upon physical contact, there would be room for a hug or hold from him should I indicate a need. I want that so much. The closer I am feeling the stronger that want gets. He’s talking in this quiet, gentle voice and watching me intently as I struggle through, encouraging, enticing emotional responses from me and I just want to feel his embrace.

I admire your desire to keep at this. To want to move closer to your T and to get to where you feel safe enough to cry shows great courage on your part, and it shows a lot of trust--in your T, but also in yourself. Keep at it, you are doing an awesome job!

quote:

Seeing him again next Tuesday, but then he will be on leave for 4-5 weeks which will be tough now that my emotions are once again starting to ‘come online’. I want to tell him that I will feel panicky by his absence, but don’t think I’ll be able to. Close to reaching the point where I backoff for ages because the transference starts to really hurt. Doesn't take long these days. If I could just say,'Look you're doing all the right things...but this whole experience of being cared about by you, but without fullness and permanence of a real relationship really hurts...and I feel like I'm about ready to runaway again...' He would recieve that so well and ask me, in that gentle deep voice to tell him about it some more...and I would just shut down. Too hard. OOoooohhh...

I hear your struggle. I have a really hard time going for 2 weeks between sessions, so I can imagine 4-5 weeks. I had to go that long in December, and that was when I very first realized my attachment to my T and told her over the phone and she basically kicked me to the curb. You know what you need to do, so I'm not going to lecture you about it , but I will say that if you get it out there you will feel a lot better, scary as it may be. Give him the chance to do something for you. Take the risk. See where it can go. You never know until you try, right? RIGHT?! (That second one was for me Hmmm...that sounds familiar ) Oh, and please, whatever you do, while he's away, do post to us each day about what you're feeling. It has helped me so much when I feel disconnected and sometimes has been the only thing to keep me from spiraling down to a point where I literally feel like I'm losing all hope of coming back from the never ending abyss of despair. We're all here to support you however we can!!

Wow. I just wanted to say again that I think you are doing a FANTASTIC job!!! Keep it up!!!

MTF

Oh Monte I’m so sorry. I really hope that by today you’re less torn apart by this. Going to say the obvious and point out that yeah it probably has a LOT more to do with his going away for such a bloody long time than anything seriously wrong with your interactions - I’d go so far as to guess that maybe you were subconsciously looking for some sort of super-positive input from him that would tide you over the coming weeks and he, in true T fashion has fallen short.

quote:

They do mind-reading in T-school don't they?.

Lol. Sadly that seems to be missing from the curriculum - though I personally believe that they are eminently capable of it and just pretend it’s not possible out of sheer bloody mindedness! Hell how can they NOT see what’s going on when the feelings and needs and wants are blaring out their message in bright flashing neon lights ten feet tall?

I see he will be waiting for your email - that sounds like a good idea, that you tell him how you are feeling about this (even copy him what you’ve written in your post because to me that says everything!) It’s so clear that you were wanting him to give without your having to damn well spell it out for him and if he didn’t pick up on that then definitely he has gone to the bottom of the attunement class. Big D cap for him!

I so hope you are ok.

Monte oooh poor you, it all sounds as if everything went pear shaped for you . How confusing too to have your writing commented on in such a contrasting way to how he has before -I think that inconsistency is hard anyway but harder when it comes from someone we have trusted, especially when he said he has had glimpses of the real you in your writing. No wonder you are hurt, you have every reason to be. I guess it's all amplified by him being on leave - and extended leave too - so you have to leave it all hanging until he comes back or returns your email.

Monte I don't know about the personality thing

quote:

I’m a nice person, but different to him. I feel he is not someone I would ‘click’ with in the outside world…I am very silly, bit rude, arty, effusive, passionate (all within my inner-sanctum…) he doesn’t appear to be any of that and sometimes I ‘feel’ that difference. Should it matter? Mind you my husband is a vastly different person too.

sometimes it's heplful to be vastly different - gain a different perspective etc and as you say you and your husband are vastly different. I really don't know - my T and I are similar in many ways but very different in others; my husband the same. I just wonder if this feels the final straw for you at the moment?

I have no real advice, just wanted to say I am sorry it's so tough for and hope you can get some well deserved support here in his abscence.

starfish

Monte,

I've been deliberating as to whether or not I should add my two cents here, mostly because I don't feel I have anything significant to add, but also because your pain in this feels so close to my own at the moment that it is quite unsettling . However, I do want to let you know that I care about the pain you are suffering right now and that you are not alone in that pain. You have a 'near twin' across the ocean that is sharing in a similar pain and sending cyber hugs your way. I really wish I could add something significant to help you, but I'm in a bad spot myself right now, so just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hope that you keep posting here and getting the support you need. (((((MONTE)))))

MTF

Monte

You ok? Just wondering how things are for you now? Thoughts and a hug (((monte)))

starfish

Thought I'd jump in here too, as I've thought of you daily and been wondering how you're doing. Please know you're missed around here and I too send hugs your way. (((((Monte)))))

MTF

Monte

Glad you're still around.
Sometimes reverse is safer than travelling onwards uncertainly, so take as long as you need

starfish

So sorry, Monte. Uncertainty certainly stinks. Wish I had a great solution or wonderful words of wisdom or could just plain fix it for you. I hate knowing you're stuck in such a hard spot and I'm sure it hurts. Even though we can't do much more right now than listen, we ARE here to do that much for you, so please know that we're here to support you and that we care. Hang in there, Monte. You're in my thoughts daily...

MTF

Monte,

Well, you may be grumpy, but at least you made me smile again! To me that means you might be doing a little better? Pretty funny idea you've got there about the drug. And I'm with you about it being nice if our Ts could just 'feel' what we're feeling once in a while. Sometimes I just want to scream because I feel like I'm so alone sitting there feeling like such a fool for even opening my heart (or mouth). And my T never talks about my feelings (and maybe it's better that way, I don't know), so I don't feel like she even knows what they are, let alone understands them. Sucks...big time.

Glad you're posting again. I've missed your presence around here. Keep it up!

MTF

Monte,

The anger could be a really good thing. I got really angry at my T. Right before everything happened that propelled me to where I am now, which is a heck of a lot better than where I've been. Seems we've got to feel something other than depression to get us motivated, and that's a hard thing in and of itself. All the feelings we experience in therapy are SO HARD, aren't they? Having my life consumed by this attachment stuff has been WAY more than I feel I can handle most of the time, and there are days where I just want to run away from life and take a vacation, although you can't run from this stuff. It's always there...

I'm just glad you're posting again. I worried about you, and still do. I get really triggered sometimes when I get on the forums and read something that is really close to what I am going through or brings up feelings that are similar to my own, especially with my issues with my T right now. I wish I could have been more supportive to you when you posted about your last session with your T, but it had me feeling sick and I just couldn't go there. I hope you didn't feel like I didn't want to support you; I just didn't know what to say and couldn't put myself that deeply into your situation at that point. Still can't. I really feel for you and know you're struggling. I'm so sorry. I wish our Ts could really understand us and do something about our pain. I know I want some resolution and to just know she really understands me and how I feel. She hasn't even asked me what my feelings for her are, and we've never discussed what I am going through or how I feel. It's just 'attachment'. Whatever that means. Fun stuff...

So yeah, whenever you get that drug developed, I'd like some, too! Sounds fantastic!!!

Take care!
MTF

quote:

I think I'm in a pickle, Monte.

Me too, BB. We're all three in the same boat. I hate it when I read other people's stuff and I feel like I could write it myself. It's sad. I guess it helps me not feel so alone in my issues, but I always wish someone could fix my stuff, ya know? At least we're all in a 'pickle' together and at least have others who can understand our sad predicament and support us in our sorrows and struggles. I really feel for you ladies.

MTF

Monte,

Please let me get out of the wooden shoe first before you chuck it at your T's head.

BB, thanks for the poem. I actually loved that one as a kid, and there was a group here in the states back in the 60s called The Big 3 that did it as a song and I really love it. Cass Elliot of the Mamas and the Papas sings lead vocal and it's really quite a nice lullaby type song. Anyway, thanks!

Yeah, taking leaps and risks with our Ts is definitely not easy, and quite honestly scares the heck out of me. That's why I'm still sitting where I'm sitting. I know they want us to, but sometimes I wonder if they can take us and our stuff. I know I wonder if I can take myself most days. I have to have faith that my T can handle me, it's just my fears and insecurities that stand in my way.

MTF

BB

Thanks for the memories - it brought back an old poetry book to me that I had as a child with beautiful illustrations. I think I knew every word by heart of those poems. Saw the shoe in the sky and the trundle bed.........

Yes sad too, I agree.

starfish

Hi Monte!

Glad to see you back again! This sounds wonderful, and I'm glad to hear you have a plan. I think the whole idea of expressing your emotions through your artwork is wonderful, and hopefully your T WILL 'get it' and this will be a new tool for the two of you to use to help you get where you need and want to go in your therapy. A fantastic idea!! I wish I could come up with something cool like that! I'm still stuck with trying words and writing, and they're not working too well.

I'm with BB here; I'd love to hear more if you feel up to it. Art is a mystery to me, too. I like to paint (oil is my favorite medium, but it's been about 15 years since I've done it) but never considered trying to express feelings through it, especially to share emotions with someone through it for therapeutic purposes. I like the idea and am interested in how you go about doing something like this.

Thanks for updating us and sharing such a cool idea. I really wish you the best with it and hope your T does see it as helpful and that he can make the most of it to help you move forward in your therapy together. Please keep us posted on how it goes!!

MTF

Hi Monte

Lovely to see you post

Monte I love the sound of your story in a sketchbook - that must have been very powerful for you to have done, but so real and so personal too. I am in awe of you for doing that, to communicate so effectively when words just don't work, especially when all the helpful words you have just vanish when you need them most. I am sure that your T will be immensely proud of your achievement and moved by what he sees. I so know about the fear of handing over such personal stuff - it seems like a risk almost doesn't it? That if they don't get it (our fears, usually unfounded and based on stuff from way back) then it is more disappointing than ever BUT if they do, which they inevitably do, the WOW! The most amazing breakthroughs are made. So please have the courage of your convictions and hand it over Monte - I look forward to hearing his response and how it mmade you feel.

starfish

(((( Monte )))) Great to have you back.

It’s interesting that you have come up all by yourself with the idea of using art to express emotion, bypassing the brain so to speak. There is a school of therapy called Art Therapy (which I’ve actually tried) that focuses on exactly that - a more direct and spontaneous expression of stuff. It involves all sorts of things not just drawing and painting and can be really effective.

A lot of Ts do use art therapy as one of their tools so it’s highly likely he will not only really appreciate what you’ve done but may also be amenable to using that sort of approach with you.

Wow 6 weeks since you saw him last and another 2 weeks before your next appointment - that’s a LONG time. You have probably explained about it in another post but either I’ve missed it or forgotten it, but why have you such a long gap?

Anyway Monte good to hear from you again.

Lamplighter