Hello Monte!
Sorry I've been missing for a few days. I read your post Saturday but had SO much to do that day I couldn't respond properly so I decided to wait, and yesterday was Father's Day here in the U.S., so it was another crazy busy day. I've wanted so much to reply, so now it's first thing in the morning here and I'm getting to you first thing!
I'm so very happy for you that your session went so well!
I can't tell you the feelings that went through me as I read your post. I nearly bawled as I sat here with a huge smile on my face and chills running through me. You have a fantastic way of describing things so I felt like I was right there in the room with you. I'm so glad that you were able to keep yourself from doing the whole scenario-izing bit that week, and that it helped you so much. It is something I desperately need to work on myself as I know that is something that gets in my way and lets me down EVERY time.
That's cool that you have found something (the props idea) that works so well for you. Your T's response to your dad's stuff was great. I love that he pulled his chair right up to you and leaned forward on his elbows. THAT is what my T does when she wants to connect with me, and it always works. That proximity things does the trick, but yes--it makes eye contact a bit harder.
quote:
I could sense him trying to hook me emotionally and it was sort of happening...a bit like a wire shorting in and out. Having him sit so near and hold this drawing of my heart’s contents and talk about it quietly and purposefully to that ‘other’ part of me was scary stuff, but I went with it and I didn’t shut down. Although I didn’t have any obvious emotional flood, I was impacted by what he was doing and felt a lot of struggle in my gut. No, not wind! More upper digestive tract...solar plexus. Just that place where emotion seems to first present itself and I was aware of breathing more rapidly and a few times my head seemed to swim. Very physiological responses. And who has ever felt emotion in their arms? It is a bizarre sensation. My response wasn’t about the things we were talking about so much as the fact that there we were talking about these things, if that makes sense. I was aware of him working hard to maintain my presence and aware of his voice being more gentle, but more persistent…and then him leaning toward me and watching me from so closely. It was intense sort of stuff...for me...smiling Ice Queen that I am. I sort of felt a bit seized by it all, but it felt safe.
I knew you two could do it!!
I love your description of how you felt. The solar plexus is exactly where I feel it, too. And I too feel emotion in my arms. I'm glad that as intense as it was, you were able to feel safe. Your T sounds great, and I know you're worried about him going back to the way things were before, but I think he'll keep at this because Ts sense things. We evoke things in them that we are unable to express ourselves, things we are unconscious of ourselves. I'm sure he 'gets' that you are struggling with this but that it is what you want, scary as it may be. It reminded me some of that session with my T where I read her my letter and she teared up on me and I felt extremely connected to her emotionally. She had moved her chair right up to me at the couch, had hugged me, held my hands in hers, and talked quietly to me as she tried to repair our relationship. I miss that connection terribly, as it helps me so much to be emotionally present when she is physically close to me rather than in her usual position a couple of feet away. If she scoots her chair right up to me the eye contact just gets to me so much more than it does otherwise. Something about the close proximity, and she knows this and uses it 'wisely', I guess.
If she really used it wisely, she'd be closer more often.
That's cool that your T prays with you, but wow, I would have freaked if my T asked me if she could hold me while she prayed. And I'm used to hugs and enjoy them!
I'm sure that was really a shocker for you. I like that you were good with him putting his hand on yours. And you got a hug!!!
I'm so happy that you are getting somewhere finally. It makes my heart so happy for you, Monte. Gee, now the tears are coming. I know how much you have wanted this and I am so glad that your T finally 'heard' you and is working on helping you move forward so you can heal. I believe like Kashley that he'll keep at it. He'll continue to work on hooking you!
Let him!! I know you will, but I just had to throw that bossy part in there for good measure!
quote:
I can’t believe how the combination of physical contact and the sharing of these pictures has opened things up. It feels real now, he feels real and seems very much in control of proceedings and I feel a level of trust and security with him I have never experienced before. It just needed the right nudges in the right direction.
YAY!!! This really makes my heart sing. I can hear the peace you have in this paragraph.
Don't doubt, dear Monte! Keep the positive feelings in your heart and let them carry you to your next session. Believe things can keep going and that you can heal. I think you've found a key to a really big and important door, and there's so much to be discovered there. I'm sure this is the beginning to a great journey for you. Congratulations!
(((((Monte)))))
MTF