Hi Monte,
Can I just selfishly say, I hope you keep posting about this, even though as I read your account I do feel quite envious...it's only because I am just amazed and awed and inspired by how your T is meeting you where you are really at, and would love a T go there with me too...where that poor little abused girl is at. My heart just ached and cried out to read about the cupboard...Monte how awful and terrible and dark and lonely, I am so SO sorry that something so hideous was done to you. It is brave of you to express it at all, and somehow it makes more sense to express it in pictures...there are no words for something so unspeakably evil and wrong. And I LOVE how your T is fighting your ogre with you, I love how he made it go sit in the chair and then turned it around...this is amazing work you and he are doing and please don't hesitate to post about it, I love hearing it. It is truly good to know there are T's who are willing to go to these lengths...it is what we all are looking for in our own way...and it is also good to hear of your courage in going there. Thank you for sharing this.
SG
Monte,
Thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful (albeit difficult) interaction with your T. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It was not your fault. I could feel the pain of your little girl in your writing. I love what T did with the chair. That is great! I think you are making marvelous progress. It took months and months before my little parts could talk to my T and even longer before some really let her in. So, I think you are doing so well having just arrived at this place with your T. The feelings will come as the little girl in you starts to realize that your T is real and genuine in his caring and he is not going to leave her when she gets upset. Each interaction like this that you have with your T is slowly telling your nervous system that the danger has passed and when your nervous system finally lets that guard down enough, the feelings will come. I look forward to reading more as you feel comfortable sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful (albeit difficult) interaction with your T. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It was not your fault. I could feel the pain of your little girl in your writing. I love what T did with the chair. That is great! I think you are making marvelous progress. It took months and months before my little parts could talk to my T and even longer before some really let her in. So, I think you are doing so well having just arrived at this place with your T. The feelings will come as the little girl in you starts to realize that your T is real and genuine in his caring and he is not going to leave her when she gets upset. Each interaction like this that you have with your T is slowly telling your nervous system that the danger has passed and when your nervous system finally lets that guard down enough, the feelings will come. I look forward to reading more as you feel comfortable sharing.
Monte
Thank you so much for your incredibly moving and powerful post. I am so glad that your T sounds so very attuned with you and protectively turned that chair away. Monte I am also so very sad that you had to endure such horrors ((((((Monte)))))) as a child, but so glad that you have a chance to free yourself from those terrors now.
I could relate to what you described and want to thank you for showing me that there is a way through such ordeals, that we need to push on through the pain and shame to overcome these fears that live on inside. Thank you Monte, sometimes we can see it clearer in someone else's progress BUT saying that I am so sorry that it happened to you
Go gently Monte,
starfish
Thank you so much for your incredibly moving and powerful post. I am so glad that your T sounds so very attuned with you and protectively turned that chair away. Monte I am also so very sad that you had to endure such horrors ((((((Monte)))))) as a child, but so glad that you have a chance to free yourself from those terrors now.
I could relate to what you described and want to thank you for showing me that there is a way through such ordeals, that we need to push on through the pain and shame to overcome these fears that live on inside. Thank you Monte, sometimes we can see it clearer in someone else's progress BUT saying that I am so sorry that it happened to you
Go gently Monte,
starfish
Monte,
Hugs to you my friend. I'm so happy you are making such tremendous strides in your therapy.
What a tough session you had, but amazing work you are doing with your T. You are getting there!! It makes me cry for you. What a wonderful T you have. He sounds just fantastic, and you are so blessed to have him. I am jealous, I must say, but so very thrilled and happy. Keep up the great work, Monte!! The safety and tears will come with time. Just keep at it. I'm thinking of you and always pulling for you. So happy to hear things went well. Thank you for sharing the details with us. You write beautifully about your sessions. I'm sorry for the heartache you have suffered and continue to suffer, and pray you find the healing and peace you so deserve. You will get there. You're doing the hard, difficult work and you WILL find what you are searching for...I know it.
MTF
Hugs to you my friend. I'm so happy you are making such tremendous strides in your therapy.
What a tough session you had, but amazing work you are doing with your T. You are getting there!! It makes me cry for you. What a wonderful T you have. He sounds just fantastic, and you are so blessed to have him. I am jealous, I must say, but so very thrilled and happy. Keep up the great work, Monte!! The safety and tears will come with time. Just keep at it. I'm thinking of you and always pulling for you. So happy to hear things went well. Thank you for sharing the details with us. You write beautifully about your sessions. I'm sorry for the heartache you have suffered and continue to suffer, and pray you find the healing and peace you so deserve. You will get there. You're doing the hard, difficult work and you WILL find what you are searching for...I know it. MTF
Monte,
No time!! But thank you for sharing that, you're doing incredible work and I am so happy for you. I am sorry for the pain you are facing and sorry for what happened to you. I know that the pain can be close to overwhelming but I also know that there is healing on the other side of that and that you are moving forward into that healing.
AG
No time!! But thank you for sharing that, you're doing incredible work and I am so happy for you. I am sorry for the pain you are facing and sorry for what happened to you. I know that the pain can be close to overwhelming but I also know that there is healing on the other side of that and that you are moving forward into that healing.
AG
I'm so glad that the closeness is helping you to heal old wounds. It's wonderful that your T really understands you, is seeing you, and by his proximity is telling you that you are in no way repellent, and are in fact completely lovable.
Your work sounds extremely hard. I just want to echo what STRM said - I'm so sorry for what happened to you, and it wasn't your fault. I know that in time you'll be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to get to that place you need to be. Keep on.
Agent
Your work sounds extremely hard. I just want to echo what STRM said - I'm so sorry for what happened to you, and it wasn't your fault. I know that in time you'll be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to get to that place you need to be. Keep on.
Agent
quote:this little thing comes out from the pit and he is there and the little thing wanting to hold on to him and not let go...I don't know how he or I will deal with that.
Monte,
Oh how I can relate to this! My T works with my little parts and she recently started holding them when they are processing traumatic material. She has touched them before, but had not held them until recently. Well, the thing is, it feels like you describe....like something they've been waiting for all of their lives, but then it feels scary at the same time. It is SO vulnerable and so raw and then they wonder when it is going to be taken away. When will T realize that they really don't deserve it and that they will just keep wanting her to hold them. The needs that her caring evokes are so repulsive at times (especially to the more independent parts of me) and there is great fear that it will become too much for T. Now, rationally I know that this isn't the case. I have talked to T about it and she assured me that she is willing to offer this experience any time I need it, but it still feels like she is going to take it away.
It also sometimes feels oddly unsettling even though it feels good. Nobody ever held me when I was a child and certainly not after the horrible things that were done to me. So even though it feels safe and it feels good those feelings are all very foreign and it's like being dropped into some alternate universe. It is going to take some time to get used to.
Monte,
Yes, but you haven't been in this place with your T for 14 years. In other words, you've just arrived at this new experience with your T and this new way of experiencing with him so it is going to take some time to adjust. I'm really just saying to go easy on yourself. You are doing some really hard and important work.
Yes, but you haven't been in this place with your T for 14 years. In other words, you've just arrived at this new experience with your T and this new way of experiencing with him so it is going to take some time to adjust. I'm really just saying to go easy on yourself. You are doing some really hard and important work.
Monte
I agree with what STRMS said, this is new for you and difficult work to boot, so it will feel very different and very hard. I have been with my T for many years too, but the relationship evolves and trust is always at the centre of that - the more you can (both) trust, but you especially, the more deep and effective the work. The nature of what you went through means that trust does not come easily, we are cautious, wary, frightened all too easily and have put up strong barriers of protection - when the barriers come down, the real work begins.
Monte, that touched me so much. It is so very true and I am so glad that you can feel that from your T; to know that he will walk with you and stay with you is the greatest comfort to that liitle child. I still sometimes wait for my T to get up and leave, still wait for her to hurt me, be repulsed by me, by what I am saying and remembering.....oh yes, and the smell thing, yep that too, big time. But at those times she comes even closer, holds me and stays with me and my head can't really believe that I'm actually safe. But when I allow myself to feel that safety and truly believe that it's different now, that's when the real healing has begun.
Oh and Monte, about the crying, because nobody ever came it was never worth doing and for the very same reasons, is too great a risk to do now. Absolutely. That was my graetest reason for never crying, that if I did I might be ignored, hurt, punished, just as before - so being alone with my sadness definitely a safer and more comfortable option. I really cried with my T for he first time ever recently and those same fears haunted me, even at the time was wanting to escape first before she did....BUT none of my fears came true and like you were kept safe with your memory by your T, mine did the same for me when I was crying - beautifully. Monte, it's so so hard to take that leap I know, but if you want to cry, remember that he's walking with you and has shown no signs of not being there for you, infact the complete reverse
Monte, not a word sounds mushy or silly, it's exactly as it is. I am sorry you have had to experience all that as a child, but so pleased you are coming through this. (((Monte))) Look after yourself, that overwhelming feeling as you remember is a tough one, but it will come and go and you are doing so well,
starfish
I agree with what STRMS said, this is new for you and difficult work to boot, so it will feel very different and very hard. I have been with my T for many years too, but the relationship evolves and trust is always at the centre of that - the more you can (both) trust, but you especially, the more deep and effective the work. The nature of what you went through means that trust does not come easily, we are cautious, wary, frightened all too easily and have put up strong barriers of protection - when the barriers come down, the real work begins.
quote:How amazing and comforting to be allowed to be hurt and frightened and little and have someone sit by you and talk gently and not be freaked out or repelled by the 'smell'...and someone that will TOUCH you while you are being that and not find you icky...to have someone sit and wait for you to come out because they want to see you and hold you if you want to be held
Monte, that touched me so much. It is so very true and I am so glad that you can feel that from your T; to know that he will walk with you and stay with you is the greatest comfort to that liitle child. I still sometimes wait for my T to get up and leave, still wait for her to hurt me, be repulsed by me, by what I am saying and remembering.....oh yes, and the smell thing, yep that too, big time. But at those times she comes even closer, holds me and stays with me and my head can't really believe that I'm actually safe. But when I allow myself to feel that safety and truly believe that it's different now, that's when the real healing has begun.
Oh and Monte, about the crying, because nobody ever came it was never worth doing and for the very same reasons, is too great a risk to do now. Absolutely. That was my graetest reason for never crying, that if I did I might be ignored, hurt, punished, just as before - so being alone with my sadness definitely a safer and more comfortable option. I really cried with my T for he first time ever recently and those same fears haunted me, even at the time was wanting to escape first before she did....BUT none of my fears came true and like you were kept safe with your memory by your T, mine did the same for me when I was crying - beautifully. Monte, it's so so hard to take that leap I know, but if you want to cry, remember that he's walking with you and has shown no signs of not being there for you, infact the complete reverse
Monte, not a word sounds mushy or silly, it's exactly as it is. I am sorry you have had to experience all that as a child, but so pleased you are coming through this. (((Monte))) Look after yourself, that overwhelming feeling as you remember is a tough one, but it will come and go and you are doing so well,
starfish
Oh Monte,
You don't sound mushy or silly at all. In fact, what you wrote evokes similar feelings in me because I too know what it feels like to have those desires and needs from someone special. To want to be comforted and cared for, to be loved for you who you are, no matter how awful you feel that part of you might be when seen by that other person, is so powerful a need and an ache from deep within. I'm so thrilled for you that your T has finally met you where he has on this. That you took that leap in desperation and helped yourself along makes me so proud of you and gives me hope that I can get desperate enough myself, either with my current T, or with another. When I read my T my letter some months back and she held my hands in hers and gazed into my eyes while hers were filled with tears, it was quite the experience. She talked in a low, quiet voice and 'held' me in a way I'd not been held before. I've never felt that connected to another person and it was something that was safe, yet scary at the same time. I long for that connection again and think that that is also what I am terrified to experience with her by reading her another letter. Sad how our minds and hearts can pull us in such opposite directions and mess with us so much.
I am sure that your T will be okay to handle whatever comes out when it comes. He sounds like he's been hoping for this as you have, or he wouldn't be so willing and so 'there' for you right now. I think it is amazing and sounds so safe. I really am quite jealous, but so very happy for you, Monte. It sounds like just what you have been searching for and working for. Happy day! I'm glad that YOU cleared the speed bump!
Now to get MY engine revving!!! 
Thank you, my friend. You are amazing. (((((Monte)))))
MTF
You don't sound mushy or silly at all. In fact, what you wrote evokes similar feelings in me because I too know what it feels like to have those desires and needs from someone special. To want to be comforted and cared for, to be loved for you who you are, no matter how awful you feel that part of you might be when seen by that other person, is so powerful a need and an ache from deep within. I'm so thrilled for you that your T has finally met you where he has on this. That you took that leap in desperation and helped yourself along makes me so proud of you and gives me hope that I can get desperate enough myself, either with my current T, or with another. When I read my T my letter some months back and she held my hands in hers and gazed into my eyes while hers were filled with tears, it was quite the experience. She talked in a low, quiet voice and 'held' me in a way I'd not been held before. I've never felt that connected to another person and it was something that was safe, yet scary at the same time. I long for that connection again and think that that is also what I am terrified to experience with her by reading her another letter. Sad how our minds and hearts can pull us in such opposite directions and mess with us so much.
I am sure that your T will be okay to handle whatever comes out when it comes. He sounds like he's been hoping for this as you have, or he wouldn't be so willing and so 'there' for you right now. I think it is amazing and sounds so safe. I really am quite jealous, but so very happy for you, Monte. It sounds like just what you have been searching for and working for. Happy day! I'm glad that YOU cleared the speed bump!
Now to get MY engine revving!!! Thank you, my friend. You are amazing. (((((Monte)))))MTF
Monte, Just want to say wow!! It is true that the reward for letting yourself be vulnerable in therapy is amazing, but it is sooooo difficult. And I know you have struggled with letting yourself go there with him for so long. I am thrilled for you. What a ginormous leap of faith you are taking!! You deserve all of the validation and acceptance you are met with.
Ohhhhh, (((((Monte)))))! I'm so sorry you're feeling so unnerved and disheartened right now. I'm sure I've added to how you feel. It's hard to come here sometimes and not be triggered, I know. That's the downside to a place like this, and probably the biggest reason my T discouraged me from being a member here in the first place.
I'm actually doing much better today. I have spent some time in prayer and deep thought and come to realize that in some ways my T is right. A lot of my unhappiness is not about her, it's about other things, details of which I won't go into detail about here, but I think I owe my T some apologies (although she owes me a few still, too!)
Therapy is tough stuff, no doubt, but it is something I'm realizing has its place. I just finished reading "A General Theory of Love" today and it really drove home to me the importance of that limbic connection with another human limbic system, my T. No wonder I 'need' her so much, no wonder my attachment is so strong, she is helping me over time to shift my mind and nervous system to a healthier place, and that for me is priceless and worth the pain and fear I am going through right now because I feel in my heart that I can trust her, I just go through periods where I get fearful and the unknown causes me to want to bolt. I'm there right now, big time. I think you're there, too. You're teetering on the brink of something you've never experienced before, and the uncertainty of how and when it will all unfold is really eating at you right now. Add in all of what's going on with everyone on the boards (which right now is a lot), and that can make anyone's nerves get rattled. Please try to remeber Monte that your T is not trying to snare you for any personal gain, that he is there for YOUR gain only and that his real intent is to help YOU move forward in your healing. He wants to see you progress and move forward in your life so you can be the happy and healthy woman he knows you can be. Don't forget that! It's always nicer and easier when we have the upper hand, but it's not how we're going to grow. Please don't even consider walking away. You've come so far and you've done beautifully. You don't want to back-pedal and wreck the progress you've worked so hard to earn. Keep pushing onward and upward, dear Monte!! It will be worth it in the end!! Hugs to you, and prayers that you will feel better about things soon!
MTF
It's hard to come here sometimes and not be triggered, I know. That's the downside to a place like this, and probably the biggest reason my T discouraged me from being a member here in the first place.I'm actually doing much better today. I have spent some time in prayer and deep thought and come to realize that in some ways my T is right. A lot of my unhappiness is not about her, it's about other things, details of which I won't go into detail about here, but I think I owe my T some apologies (although she owes me a few still, too!
) Therapy is tough stuff, no doubt, but it is something I'm realizing has its place. I just finished reading "A General Theory of Love" today and it really drove home to me the importance of that limbic connection with another human limbic system, my T. No wonder I 'need' her so much, no wonder my attachment is so strong, she is helping me over time to shift my mind and nervous system to a healthier place, and that for me is priceless and worth the pain and fear I am going through right now because I feel in my heart that I can trust her, I just go through periods where I get fearful and the unknown causes me to want to bolt. I'm there right now, big time. I think you're there, too. You're teetering on the brink of something you've never experienced before, and the uncertainty of how and when it will all unfold is really eating at you right now. Add in all of what's going on with everyone on the boards (which right now is a lot), and that can make anyone's nerves get rattled. Please try to remeber Monte that your T is not trying to snare you for any personal gain, that he is there for YOUR gain only and that his real intent is to help YOU move forward in your healing. He wants to see you progress and move forward in your life so you can be the happy and healthy woman he knows you can be. Don't forget that! It's always nicer and easier when we have the upper hand, but it's not how we're going to grow.
Please don't even consider walking away. You've come so far and you've done beautifully. You don't want to back-pedal and wreck the progress you've worked so hard to earn. Keep pushing onward and upward, dear Monte!! It will be worth it in the end!! Hugs to you, and prayers that you will feel better about things soon!MTF
Monte
I do understand where you are coming from - I have told my T I always want to be the one that leaves first. That's important for me.
Monte, dear Monte I hate the thought of you feeling trapped; you always come over as such an independent soul, that 'hooking' might seem to feel as if it goes hand-in-hand with dependency maybe???? But think of this, the more you do this really difficult but powerful work with him, the sooner and stronger position you will be in to walk away when you are ready AND not then have the need to go running back... Because Monte, that part of your pain and hurt will have been processed and way more bearable than it feels now.
Hug (((Monte)))
starfish
I do understand where you are coming from - I have told my T I always want to be the one that leaves first. That's important for me.
quote:Feeling very hood-winked by my T...as if he's rubbing his hands together with professional glee because he's very close to hooking me...and once he does then I am trapped in his net
Monte, dear Monte I hate the thought of you feeling trapped; you always come over as such an independent soul, that 'hooking' might seem to feel as if it goes hand-in-hand with dependency maybe???? But think of this, the more you do this really difficult but powerful work with him, the sooner and stronger position you will be in to walk away when you are ready AND not then have the need to go running back... Because Monte, that part of your pain and hurt will have been processed and way more bearable than it feels now.
Hug (((Monte)))
starfish
Hi Monte,
I remember feeling that way when I started to realize that my T was becoming important to me. I'm going to throw out what it was for me in case its the same for you and might help.
What I realized was that I was starting to let him become important and that meant he had power over me. Especially because at that point in the relationship I was pretty much thought he couldn't stand me and was dying to get rid of me and that meant he had ALL the power. I talked to him about feeling that way and was able to realize that the last time a man had that kind of power over me, especially my loving and needing him, and him not needing me, it hadn't turned out so well. My father abused and exploited his power over me and used it for his ends rather than to protect and take care of me. Of course I was scared to be in the same position again. One of the greatest gifts my T ever gave to me was that he took his power over me and the responsibility to use it wisely and for my good very seriously. It has been very healing to have him respect those boundaries and not abuse the power so that I could experience that I wouldn't be hurt every time someone held power over me. Knowing that allows me to need other people and let them in, trusting that not everyone will abuse my trust and need. But it took a very long time to put those fears to rest, my T and I have visited and re-visited this dynamic in many different forms through the course of our work. Which is my very long winded way of saying, of course you're scared.
But FWIW, everything you've written about your T leads me to believe that he would never betray you in that way. But understanding that doesn't make the feelings actually go away. It's by living with the fear long enough to allow yourself to experience something different that will heal you. But it's so very hard and I can understand your struggle.
AG
I remember feeling that way when I started to realize that my T was becoming important to me. I'm going to throw out what it was for me in case its the same for you and might help.
What I realized was that I was starting to let him become important and that meant he had power over me. Especially because at that point in the relationship I was pretty much thought he couldn't stand me and was dying to get rid of me and that meant he had ALL the power. I talked to him about feeling that way and was able to realize that the last time a man had that kind of power over me, especially my loving and needing him, and him not needing me, it hadn't turned out so well. My father abused and exploited his power over me and used it for his ends rather than to protect and take care of me. Of course I was scared to be in the same position again. One of the greatest gifts my T ever gave to me was that he took his power over me and the responsibility to use it wisely and for my good very seriously. It has been very healing to have him respect those boundaries and not abuse the power so that I could experience that I wouldn't be hurt every time someone held power over me. Knowing that allows me to need other people and let them in, trusting that not everyone will abuse my trust and need. But it took a very long time to put those fears to rest, my T and I have visited and re-visited this dynamic in many different forms through the course of our work. Which is my very long winded way of saying, of course you're scared.
But FWIW, everything you've written about your T leads me to believe that he would never betray you in that way. But understanding that doesn't make the feelings actually go away. It's by living with the fear long enough to allow yourself to experience something different that will heal you. But it's so very hard and I can understand your struggle.
AG
Monte,
You received some great feedback and support already.
I agree with everything that has been said so far. I relate to your struggle because I have recently arrived in a similar place of being so open and so raw with my T and it is evoking the same feelings that you describe. I suspect in your situation that having a T of the opposite sex intensifies those feelings (like what AG said).
Anyway, I'm not adding much here, but I want to encourage you to respect the fear that is coming up, but at the same time spread your wings just a bit and keep pushing forward. You are doing the work and you are making such progress.
You received some great feedback and support already.
I agree with everything that has been said so far. I relate to your struggle because I have recently arrived in a similar place of being so open and so raw with my T and it is evoking the same feelings that you describe. I suspect in your situation that having a T of the opposite sex intensifies those feelings (like what AG said).
Anyway, I'm not adding much here, but I want to encourage you to respect the fear that is coming up, but at the same time spread your wings just a bit and keep pushing forward. You are doing the work and you are making such progress.
Monte,
Wow! Tough stuff. My head is spinning just trying to take in all of what you posted. Sounds like your T is really pushing you to dig in and do some work, huh? I'm so sorry you're struggling so much with how it all went and that your heart feels "dead". (((Monte))) I unfortunately know the feeling, but for different reasons.
I'm glad you want to discuss the hard stuff with him in person. It seems that a lot is being missed by him in your emails, a lot of really vital emotional stuff that you really need to get worked out. I realize that the letter I wrote to my T was mostly a mistake to give to her because she likely didn't 'get' the emotional parts of it because you just can't get the emotional stuff through writing. It really HAS to be done in person. It's so sad that doing it in person is so scary.
I'm terrified about today and how I'm going to get my own emotional stuff out to my T. I hate crying in front of her, but it's gotten easier. I have to remind myself she's a loving and kind woman who has seen lots of tears. I can't be the cowardly lion any longer--I've got to find my courage!
This is NOT ridiculous or simple and silly, Monte. It's a very important part of the work you are doing and I know how vital it is to the connection with your T. It helps you feel 'safe' enough to do the important work you are doing. Don't dismiss this as 'ridiculous' please. It IS NOT!! Next time, get the courage to ask him to scoot closer. It's a big deal! I know because I've lost the connection with my T partly because she used to sit closer to me and now she doesn't. She sits over by her desk most of the time and I feel like an alien to her, or like I have some dread disease or something. That proximity is HUGE. Please don't discount it's importance. Do what you need to do to feel that ultra important connection to your T.
I hope you can get feeling better soon. It's awful how this therapy stuff can make us feel. I too wish there was a face symbol with deranged eyes. I would use it often! We could use a few more than that, too! Take good care of yourself and know you're cared about and thought of! (((Monte)))
MTF
Wow! Tough stuff. My head is spinning just trying to take in all of what you posted. Sounds like your T is really pushing you to dig in and do some work, huh? I'm so sorry you're struggling so much with how it all went and that your heart feels "dead".
(((Monte))) I unfortunately know the feeling, but for different reasons.I'm glad you want to discuss the hard stuff with him in person. It seems that a lot is being missed by him in your emails, a lot of really vital emotional stuff that you really need to get worked out. I realize that the letter I wrote to my T was mostly a mistake to give to her because she likely didn't 'get' the emotional parts of it because you just can't get the emotional stuff through writing. It really HAS to be done in person. It's so sad that doing it in person is so scary.
I'm terrified about today and how I'm going to get my own emotional stuff out to my T. I hate crying in front of her, but it's gotten easier. I have to remind myself she's a loving and kind woman who has seen lots of tears. I can't be the cowardly lion any longer--I've got to find my courage! quote:He didn’t sit as close as the other week – a simple and silly thing – but it was enough for that internal part of me to register rejection. Ridiculous. The most maddening part is that it would not have been intentional and if I asked him to sit closer he would’ve. It is stupid, impossible stuff. Ugh.
This is NOT ridiculous or simple and silly, Monte. It's a very important part of the work you are doing and I know how vital it is to the connection with your T. It helps you feel 'safe' enough to do the important work you are doing. Don't dismiss this as 'ridiculous' please. It IS NOT!! Next time, get the courage to ask him to scoot closer. It's a big deal!
I know because I've lost the connection with my T partly because she used to sit closer to me and now she doesn't. She sits over by her desk most of the time and I feel like an alien to her, or like I have some dread disease or something. That proximity is HUGE. Please don't discount it's importance. Do what you need to do to feel that ultra important connection to your T.I hope you can get feeling better soon. It's awful how this therapy stuff can make us feel. I too wish there was a face symbol with deranged eyes. I would use it often!
We could use a few more than that, too! Take good care of yourself and know you're cared about and thought of! (((Monte)))MTF
Monte,
You are really doing some very difficult and very foreign work right now and I would think your body just really doesn't know what to do with it. From what you have said on here, you have not ever connected with the very deep feelings of pain inside you and so have also not connected to your T with them. You are trying to do 2 very difficult things simultaneously. In my mind it would be strange if the process went smoothly - of course it's going to be a tough road. The fogginess comes up enough on a good day, but when there is perceived rejection, you really kick into default mode - numbness and then get the hell out is pretty much where your brain is at I am guessing.
Even though it makes sense, I know it is still so so difficult and beyond frustrating! Try to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time you need. It is not easy!
I personally think it is a good sign that you are able to get angry at your T - at least you can get angry at someone! That is a starting point for sure.
You are really doing some very difficult and very foreign work right now and I would think your body just really doesn't know what to do with it. From what you have said on here, you have not ever connected with the very deep feelings of pain inside you and so have also not connected to your T with them. You are trying to do 2 very difficult things simultaneously. In my mind it would be strange if the process went smoothly - of course it's going to be a tough road. The fogginess comes up enough on a good day, but when there is perceived rejection, you really kick into default mode - numbness and then get the hell out is pretty much where your brain is at I am guessing.
Even though it makes sense, I know it is still so so difficult and beyond frustrating! Try to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time you need. It is not easy!
I personally think it is a good sign that you are able to get angry at your T - at least you can get angry at someone! That is a starting point for sure.
Hi Monte,
I just read your update. I struggle constantly with the "I'm not feeling what I know I should be feeling about this" thing. And I mean constantly. It's enraging. It makes me want to punch someone. I think your "ogre" was extremely angry.
This is just my experience, so take it for what it's worth, but that anger you're feeling - anger at yourself for not having the "correct" and "appropriate" feelings - I have the SAME anger. Thing is, it's not JUST anger about that particular thing for me, and I bet not for you, either. Sure, it's anger about not having the feelings, but the anger has a thread attached to it...or should I say...a giant rope, that stretches way, WAY back to whatever the original anger and hurts were.
So for me, I've had a little luck following the rope back a bit. It's what led me to my anger at my father. Scary anger. I haven't gotten to the hurt that I know is below the anger, but it's there, waiting.
And your anger at your T; it's not a bad thing. I think it could be a really, really good thing, actually.
Now again, this is just me, but if that was me in your session, and I was just boiling with anger like you were, and my T asked if I wanted a hug, I'm pretty sure my response would've been something like, "go hug a lamp post, you asshat. I'm pissed off!" And if your T is good, and it sounds to me like he is, and he can contain his clients' anger, it wouldn't suprise me at all if his response would be something like, "good, good. Stay with that. What other words are there with that feeling."
Because good Ts know that often, anger is the window dressing for intense hurt. The anger is real, of course, but a lot of times what's primary is something much more painful.
Hope this made some sense.
Russ
I just read your update. I struggle constantly with the "I'm not feeling what I know I should be feeling about this" thing. And I mean constantly. It's enraging. It makes me want to punch someone. I think your "ogre" was extremely angry.
This is just my experience, so take it for what it's worth, but that anger you're feeling - anger at yourself for not having the "correct" and "appropriate" feelings - I have the SAME anger. Thing is, it's not JUST anger about that particular thing for me, and I bet not for you, either. Sure, it's anger about not having the feelings, but the anger has a thread attached to it...or should I say...a giant rope, that stretches way, WAY back to whatever the original anger and hurts were.
So for me, I've had a little luck following the rope back a bit. It's what led me to my anger at my father. Scary anger. I haven't gotten to the hurt that I know is below the anger, but it's there, waiting.
And your anger at your T; it's not a bad thing. I think it could be a really, really good thing, actually.
Now again, this is just me, but if that was me in your session, and I was just boiling with anger like you were, and my T asked if I wanted a hug, I'm pretty sure my response would've been something like, "go hug a lamp post, you asshat. I'm pissed off!" And if your T is good, and it sounds to me like he is, and he can contain his clients' anger, it wouldn't suprise me at all if his response would be something like, "good, good. Stay with that. What other words are there with that feeling."
Because good Ts know that often, anger is the window dressing for intense hurt. The anger is real, of course, but a lot of times what's primary is something much more painful.
Hope this made some sense.
Russ
Monte,
Maybe it's not emotion I'm picking up in your posts, then. I don't know what it is. You write really well and are always very expressive, and I'm picking stuff up all over the place, but maybe that's because we're on a similar wavelength or something. If it's not emotion, then what is it? Hmmm. Now I've got something else to think about. Great!
Are you an intellectualizer too?
MTF
Maybe it's not emotion I'm picking up in your posts, then. I don't know what it is. You write really well and are always very expressive, and I'm picking stuff up all over the place, but maybe that's because we're on a similar wavelength or something. If it's not emotion, then what is it? Hmmm. Now I've got something else to think about. Great!
Are you an intellectualizer too? MTF