That is so totally me. Haha. That did apply when I was in individual, and the dread is even stronger now that I'm in group therapy. I don't know about the cockroaches, though...Insects creep me out.

Yes. Absolutely, YES.

Gosh Monte I have NO idea what you're talking about!

I once described this dynamic to my T as the ballistic path a rocket takes. A rocket uses enormous thrust to break free of Earth's gravity well then continues accelerating towards it's destination. But at some point during the approach, the rocket flips over and starts accelerating AWAY from it's destination in order to slow down and not just speed past it.

What you're describing (very vividly I might add!) is the embodiment of the bind. When we're furthest from our appt, our healthy drives kick in and we experience anxiety over the separation from attachment figure and want to move closer (instincts honed over countless generations, we're biologically driven to do this). But as we get closer to seeing them again and actually moving closer, our sense of danger increases because our childhood experience embedded on a very deep level taught us that to move closer was to get hurt. So no matter what we know intellectually our limbic system senses danger and is screaming at us to get the hell out of dodge or at least go do something safer like eat crushed glass and cockroaches. So each therapy appt becomes another chance to walk into the heart of our fear and reduce it just a tiny bit more until eventually even our limbic system gets that it's not dangerous, but a good thing, to move TOWARDS connection.

This dynamic has made me the best white knuckled driver in the world!

I've literally spent the first few minutes of a session just sitting there trying to get my breathing under control I've been so scared. My T just patiently waits until I can talk. There's nothing like those occasional sessions (they happen more often now than they ever used to) when I actually go to therapy NOT scared.

AG

Monte,

You don't honestly think you're alone on this one, do you? Today, I went up to the receptionist's window to check in and pay my co-payment and my T was standing behind the secretary with her back to us. She suddenly turned around and saw me and gave me a smile and waved hi. Ugh. My heart about jumped into my throat. At the same time, I felt like I was next in line to see Santa Claus! It's a joke sometimes. And yeah, when we got back to her office, it all looked weirder than last time when I felt like I was in another office. It seemed like I was in yet ANOTHER office! WEIRD!!! And yeah, I was totally freaked that I hadn't had time to prepare what I was going to say because I wasn't scheduled to have a session with my T for another week, so when she phoned me today to tell me she had a cancellation in 3 hours, I was caught completely unprepared and it really tripped me up! Yeah, you're totally alone here, Monte. All by yourself on this one! Don't know WTF your problem is!!! Why don't you just put on your big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT!! LOL!! (Sorry, couldn't help myself. Where's AG and her HTML slapper?)

MTF

Hey Monte no - you're not alone on this one. I love my T. She is really great, but I have a hard time talking in general. Plus I hate the silence sometimes in our sessions. She waits for me to talk and then I feel like I'm on the spot and don't know what the hell to say! Especially when there really is something to say and I can't get my mouth to work. I normally don't mind going there but when I get there sometimes it's like the first session I ever had. Strange really. She usually doesn't cancel but when she does, yes I'm devastated because I feel like I really need to be there to talk even if I don't say much. It's the connection I think.
Smiley

Yeah! All week I wish I could go three times a week and have him call me the other two days to make sure I'm still alive, but then on the drive to the appointment I daydream about saying "Let's take a break for a month" and how I'd have to drag him to the parking lot with him crying and holding onto my ankles. Yeah, not so weird, Monte. ~D.

Monte,

I’ve been looking for a thread where I could post for the first time and this one really hit home. What you’re describing is EXACTLY what I feel every time I go to the office. (some days worse than others) Especially the part where I can hear him coming. He has very heavy footfalls so I can hear him coming down the long hall, and I’m curled up on a couch in the waiting room, hiding behind a book whispering to myself “I hope he doesn’t open that door, please let him NOT open that door!”

Once after he opened the door I just sat there, hiding behind the book, acting like I was reading it while he stood in the doorway for what seemed like an eternity until I peeked over the book and saw him staring at me, slightly irritated. That made me panic even more, since of course the last thing I want to do is annoy him. I’ve tried telling him before about this anxiety but apparently he mistook it to mean that I was EXCITED for my sessions, instead of terrified. So Monte, thanks for posting this, I don’t feel so strange about this now.

Hi WhatsLeftofHim,
I just wanted to say welcome to the forums, I'm glad you posted and that you're finding posts here that resonate with your experience. I'm looking forward to getting to know you and would love to hear an explanation of your name at some point if and when you're willing to talk about. Intriguing name.

AG

PS LOVE the Rilke quote!

Just wanted to thank both of you for the warm welcome--it's hard coming into what seems like such a close-knit group here.

Perhaps I'll post about my name in the name thread. 14 hours 'til next session, and I'm at the turning point between excited anticipation and utter terror. ah well.

Hey there, WLOH! Welcome. Just wanted to wish you good luck at your session! I hope it doesn't resort to eating crushed glass and cockroaches.