BB

I am so glad it went better today - yea!! What a shame to have to wait a month though. My T always says that no ground that is gained will ever be 'lost' though, your brain will store the newly processed information, even if it doesn't feel like it to you; that connections made will stay - phew!!

So I am glad you that have a good recall of what was said - have too been in that total mind-blank-post-session-haze, and it's not good. So good that you can remember - especially since it went well! And good for you to hear it was ok to talk OR not to talk, isn't that just what you needed to hear? Mind you, the being told I don't have to talk is one sure fire way of making me blurt everything out - is that reverse pschology? Clever tactic anyway - lol! But I can see where there might be confusion about his 2 goals - they do seem a bit opposing, but if he is happy to go with either then he is maybe just giving you the choice and you the control back.

BB I'm probably not the best at talking about anger - don't really do it in any shape or form. The most comes out as frustration turned on me usually; but I know that if it is there, then it is really important to express it safely and expressing it to him, though inderstandably mortifying, might be a way in which you can do it safely, not hurt anybody's feelings close to you, and 'practise' and get feedback on how it was. And even if you are just pretending at first, well that is still a practise run, which might be just as helpful. Similarly ith the letter writing,you don't even have to show him if you don't want to - just acknowledge that you did them and how they made you feel. BB it really sounds like he's thought a lot about how to try and help you, how to change the rut you felt stuck in - does it feel like he did that to you?

As for your last comment - no, nobody is ever perfect! If it's going to bother you though and get in the way of the good work you did, would you be able to tell him about the bit he said at the end hat hurt you? Big ask I know, but might be worth the risk.

Am pleased BB that it was so good - really pleased

starfish

BB, I'm ok thanks
Few big things that I need to do, but happily swinging in and out of denial right now so they don't get too big at the wrong time, oh and a break in sessions too which is never good. But today I am ok. Thank you

I am glad you can feel cared for by your T and SD, that is a really good start because they are safe and shouldn't let you down. It is not wrong to want to be cared for - it is such a basic and important need. I can deal with care from those close to me, but it takes ages to make me sure they will not run off and abandon me. The same with my T, when anything difficult happens I aways expect to see her leave out of the door, feel quite surprised still when she stays. Oh and I know about not wanting to be fathered - your husband is definitely not there to father you, his care needs to be different BB. I am sorry when it does not feel that he can care for you in the way that you need (((BB))), but sometimes that care evolves and grows, and you might have to teach those near to you what you need from them. I don't know if that makes any sense to you or if it feels too hard a thing to expect or do.

Big hug

starfish

Hi BB,

I'm so glad to hear that your T was really nice to you today! What a lovely surprise, that he took the pressure off for you to have goals, or to have to speak of certain things, or anything...and now, just like you expected, it is freeing you up to speak. The way you are trying to figure out what to talk about makes me smile, because that is exactly how I reacted to this "freedom" when I first started working with my T! It's as if, after a few moments of stunned surprise, everything crowds to the front, hands waving in the air, saying "Me first! Me first!"

I spent the first several months bringing up various things on my "list". But many times the way I've "planned" talking about things has fallen flat. It is the things that come up unexpectedly, usually emotions that flare up as I'm talking about the "planned" thing, that lead me in the direction I really need to go. But it is only recently that I've realized this.

quote:

Does anyone have any experience with venting anger in the context of therapy, if so, how did you do it with your T, and did you find it helpful?

Yes, so far I have successfully worked through one anger issue with my T. But it has happened in the "unplanned" way I just described. Here it is:

In the first several sessions, there were lots of flare-ups of anger, disappointment, and hurt related to the termination with my former T. They were not "planned", but came up in the course of my talking about whatever I had "planned" that session. Sometimes I would rant or rage, sometimes cry...but whatever it was, my T gave me the space to express it. Every time, she "saw" my feelings and empathized without judging me (and also without reinforcing or really commenting at all about speculations about my former T...she really just kept it on my feelings). I was worried that one of those times she was going to shut me down with "Enough already, just get over it!" but she never did (bless her!!!). Over time these flare-ups have happened less frequently, and in the last couple of weeks, a very welcome feeling of acceptance has come over me, kind of snuck up on me actually. What happened with my former T is okay with me now, even though it wasn't my preference, and I no longer feel like it must have been my fault because I suck, and no longer feel a compulsion to figure him out.

This is exactly what I want to achieve with the feelings regarding the grief over my ex-BF, and what is surely a boatload of anger toward my mother. I just recently asked my T if she's ever done any "anger" work with anyone, because I'm a little afraid of what might happen if the anger toward my mom suddenly comes to the surface in session. I asked my T, what if I "lose control" in session? Basically I was trying to plan this out in order to make it safer and more predictable. I've tried reading things I've written, but usually it falls flat if that's not where I'm at right then. I've even suggested role-playing in order to get at the anger, but my T gave me kind of a funny look when I said that, and didn't take me up on it. What she did say, in response to my last question, is that as I pay more attention to how I'm feeling in the moment (both in and out of sessions), as I get better at identifying what it is that I'm feeling, that things will just come up naturally in session, and that it works best that way. And now I know that, because that's how it worked with the relatively "small" anger issue regarding my former T. So now I have a little bit of experience that will allow me to trust in the process for these much bigger things I originally came to therapy for.

There are other emotions, other issues that have flared up unexpectedly within sessions, but no other ones yet that I can say I am "done" with (meaning the issues feel "closed" to me, or I feel acceptance about them). But I continue to make note of them both in and out of sessions.

I hope this helps you a bit. You are doing great, BB! Thanks for the update.

SG

((( Blackbird )))

I’m SO glad you had a good session - your T seems to have been giving you so many inconsistent messages about therapy recently so I’m really pleased that this time the message was a good one for you! and that you got something positive out of the session. (Shame about the glitch at the end - especially as you don’t see him for another month so it’s going to be hard to rememember it well enough to sort it out next session.)

Hey I’m also glad you’ve deferred the marriage counselling therapy for a bit, you need this therapy for YOU and I’m pleased that’s what’s happening.

There is (as usual!) so much more I want to say in reply to your posts but am preoccupied right now trying to prepare for a session with a new T today so will come back later to carry on with my usual novel length replies. Just wanted to post quickly now to let you know I’d read your thread and am really glad for you.

Lamplighter

BB I finally made it back to comment properly on your amazing post.

Firstly I’m pretty sure that no-one would ever think someone else is ‘overusing’ this forum - I suspect there are times when all of us post like mad for a bit and then sort of back off - besides if everybody got so reticent and scared to say too much what would there be to read? No it’s great that you are posting when you can - I learn so much from reading about your experiences and thoughts.

Just had a thought about the not remembering sessions (boy was I like that with ex-T I’d forget what we were talking about even IN session) - seeing as how you’re on video link maybe you could record them? (As in recording sessions thread). Especially as you don’t see him that often that might be really useful for you to keep a connection between sessions? (As I said, just a thought.)

Re being able to be angry in therapy:

quote:

I feel like I would just be pretending to be angry, not actually experiencing and venting my *rage*

I think I am the same BB - unless I’m actually in the moment angry about someone or something outside of therapy, it’s just fake for me - I’d be literally ‘emoting’ in an actressy sort of way (that is, if I could bring myself to attempt it in the first place). What would be good would be if he encouraged you to be angry with HIM (if you were angry with him or about something happening in the session that is!) - right there in the moment then it’s for real. I really am grateful to my ex-T for that - he let me be angry at him and criticise him and have a go at him and he didn’t blink an eye - it was a real shifting moment for me to experience being able to say ‘unacceptable’ and not nice things and not only not be judged or ‘told off’ or rejected for it, but actually have my feelings oked. Alright I never got frothing at the mouth yelling and screaming angry but I was pretty hostile. Maybe you could ask him about that? The Ts I’ve been seeing since finishing with ex-T it’s the one thing I ask about point blank - is it ok to get angry at you?

Have you stayed with the hurt feelings about what he said at the end? I wonder if it wouldn’t help to talk about it here because I’m guessing you’re dealing with something pretty deep and the only way to cope with it is to either shut down on it or (as you say your usual pattern is) to see it as wrong or irrational on your part. Maybe getting it out here would help you stay in touch with your own true perceptions about it?

Hm about the whole fathering thing - it gets kind of confusing trying to differentiate between types of caring. I think I’d settle for ANY care from ANYONE no matter whether it’s fatherly or friendly or therapisty lol. Though I think I know what you mean about not wanting your husband to be a father to you - tends to unbalance the relationship (well in my case it would, I’d fall into the ‘good little daughter’ role too easily.)

quote:

I don't expect my T to leave, just I expect he will tell me to go away that I don't deserve to be in therapy,

Wow you know for me that’s the paradigm of all my abandonment fears - not that I will be left, but that I will be ITALICS sent away. Excluded, cast out, cut off. Shudder. That’s a REALLY big fear for me. And it sounds like you have something similar - the whole not deserving to be in therapy, as if your problems aren’t important enough, as if you are ‘making it up’ - like you’re trying to get something for you through false pretences. This is so me I have to wonder when you ask what the setup was like in your family for you to have these problems now - that’s so much the result of invalidation and negation and trivialization it makes ME wonder too what your family set up was like.

SG said exactly where I’m at right now - that going into a session with stuff ‘planned’ never seems to work out very well - it’s the feelings that arise in the moment that are the important ones, they’re actually there, real, accessible. I can understand that only seeing your T once a month really puts the pressure on you to not ‘waste’ a single session, to have things you want to achieve - but maybe as you go ahead with something you have in mind, pay attention to how it all makes you feel in the moment and try and go with those feelings - that’s really risky but it does sound like your T could more than cope with it. In fact it sounds like that’s exactly what he’s asking you to do!

BB you could be so right about the fact that your T sees you not often enough that it’s likely he forgets details and things - it’s really not ideal is it? I wish there were some way you could get to see him more often, I’m sure that would make such a difference. But even knowing that some of what hurts you about your sessions might be down to the time lag between them, doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel it when it happens. I so hope you can retain the positive sense you got from this session, and can carry it through to the next one!

Hm I’m dishing out advice here by the bucketful aren’t I? Better stop that right now.

Big hugs to you BB.


Monte it sounds like you have an amazing husband there. But I have to say I understand what you mean when you talk about its still not being enough to fill the Big Empty. I spent my life running around looking for someone to fill me up, to make me feel ok and whole - I’ve decided now (well I kind of knew it along but couldn’t do anything about it) that the only thing that’s going to assuage that emptiness is self love. Simple huh? I wish.

Lamplighter