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i want to be respectful to all, but i felt damned from the get-go. damned. and i tried to hide from God, and just this fall i have fully embraced, as in this song on Christian stations..."child, you're forgiven and loved"....and i have sung that particular few lines in my head thousands of times.
and friend, YOU are forgiven and loved.
not something many of us ever got growing up, but i pray you can embrace that.
truly, some of my best therapy comes through lines in these Christian songs. Amy Grant has an amazing new album, and the words are so, so good...i feel renewed spiritually listening to her. and i listen to lynda randall, a black earthy-voiced gospel singer.
i don't know, just saw the Christian tie, and i know that faith has been the strongest force pulling me out of the deepest darkest dungeon of quick sand i have ever been in.
and prayer...aloud, fervant, listening...'draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you'...and then i listen, in a comatose trance, i pray, i cry, and i know God listens. He doesn't always speak, but He is my hope, and really, my best therapist...but i can't always get Him to talk, and i prayerfully have accepted that therapy is a source for healing he supports for me, i feel like i am cheating sometimes, but He does put us in community with others to interact and help one another.
my prayers, blackbird...sweet friend. my prayers for everyone on this board. 'child, you're forgiven and LOVED'...((()))
and friend, YOU are forgiven and loved.
not something many of us ever got growing up, but i pray you can embrace that.
truly, some of my best therapy comes through lines in these Christian songs. Amy Grant has an amazing new album, and the words are so, so good...i feel renewed spiritually listening to her. and i listen to lynda randall, a black earthy-voiced gospel singer.
i don't know, just saw the Christian tie, and i know that faith has been the strongest force pulling me out of the deepest darkest dungeon of quick sand i have ever been in.
and prayer...aloud, fervant, listening...'draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you'...and then i listen, in a comatose trance, i pray, i cry, and i know God listens. He doesn't always speak, but He is my hope, and really, my best therapist...but i can't always get Him to talk, and i prayerfully have accepted that therapy is a source for healing he supports for me, i feel like i am cheating sometimes, but He does put us in community with others to interact and help one another.
my prayers, blackbird...sweet friend. my prayers for everyone on this board. 'child, you're forgiven and LOVED'...((()))
another favorite...may the PEACE of God, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, guard YOUR HEART and MIND through Christ Jesus.
i run them over and over in my mind when i get shaky. another image, when it is really rocky, pretend you are in a safe boat, with God, and the seas are really rocky...just DON'T look over the side...you ARE SAFE.
i wish i could really hold and hug you. don't look over the side of the boat at the rough waters, just focus in the boat and with God, and ask Him for HIS peace, which surpasses ALL understand to surround YOUR heart AND mind through Christ Jesus.
prayers, sweetie!! jill
i run them over and over in my mind when i get shaky. another image, when it is really rocky, pretend you are in a safe boat, with God, and the seas are really rocky...just DON'T look over the side...you ARE SAFE.
i wish i could really hold and hug you. don't look over the side of the boat at the rough waters, just focus in the boat and with God, and ask Him for HIS peace, which surpasses ALL understand to surround YOUR heart AND mind through Christ Jesus.
prayers, sweetie!! jill
BB, I am glad you have decided to return to your perch! Virtual life is not the same without you.
I love this quote:
[QUOTE can’t pray so just let my desire to be able to pray be my prayer/QUOTE]
It reminds me of the verse “Lord I believe, help my unbelief.” Your SD is spot on! God will not demand of us what we are not able or willing to give. He lets us come as we are (he knows it anyway) and is patient and good. I wander if your SD has read anything by Brennan Manning.
I want to throw my hat in the ring along with Monte and Dragonfly for your SD. It sounds like what he is offering you is what you are hoping to find. Except, as already pointed out, he does not feel as familiar to you as the ‘distant’ relationship you have with the T. I do know that we tend to repeat unresolved issues in past relationships with unconscious hopes of resolving them to a better end with relationships in the present. I am guessing it’s a good thing that you are looking for a connection between you and the relationship with your T and the disappointing one that you had with your parents. Entering that disappointment and feeling the pain it caused in your life is a way to resolve some of the angst. Maybe this T is doing for you exactly what you need. Beyond that, I don’t know if holding on to what is familiar is good for you or if it is better to fly away and start making new connections. I’ll be interested to read what those of you who know more about that sort of thing have to say.
My question for you is: What happens if you can get what you really really want but it does not come from the one you want it from?
deeplyrooted
I love this quote:
[QUOTE can’t pray so just let my desire to be able to pray be my prayer/QUOTE]
It reminds me of the verse “Lord I believe, help my unbelief.” Your SD is spot on! God will not demand of us what we are not able or willing to give. He lets us come as we are (he knows it anyway) and is patient and good. I wander if your SD has read anything by Brennan Manning.
I want to throw my hat in the ring along with Monte and Dragonfly for your SD. It sounds like what he is offering you is what you are hoping to find. Except, as already pointed out, he does not feel as familiar to you as the ‘distant’ relationship you have with the T. I do know that we tend to repeat unresolved issues in past relationships with unconscious hopes of resolving them to a better end with relationships in the present. I am guessing it’s a good thing that you are looking for a connection between you and the relationship with your T and the disappointing one that you had with your parents. Entering that disappointment and feeling the pain it caused in your life is a way to resolve some of the angst. Maybe this T is doing for you exactly what you need. Beyond that, I don’t know if holding on to what is familiar is good for you or if it is better to fly away and start making new connections. I’ll be interested to read what those of you who know more about that sort of thing have to say.
My question for you is: What happens if you can get what you really really want but it does not come from the one you want it from?
deeplyrooted
BB,
I thought the quote taken from one of your posts (which for some reason cannot find) was your SD.
I get it now (palm of hand hitting forehead). Your T and SD play separate roles and that is why it words so well. The boundaries are clear as far as what topics are discussed. It sounds like you have the best of both worlds. What is unique for you than most is that you only meet with your T once a month and that meeting is not face to face. Either one of those on their own would be difficult for me. So it's great if you can make it work. Please do not feel you need to defend your T or your choice of one. This is the LAST place you should need to do that. We all know that once transference or attachment occurs then good, bad or indifferent, the client is going for a ride.
I like the idea of a spiritual director. I don't know what you meant when you said you had a bad experience of someone in a religious position taking advantage of that position but I have wounds in that area that need to be addressed. It would be good to have a mentor to walk alongside me through that stuff. Besides, a wise man seeks a multitude of counselors. One person cannot meet all of our needs.
You are working hard to figure things out and find an answer to all your pain. For me, this quote exposes a lot of the struggle. I can't help but think of Jacob in the Old Testament when he wrestled with the angel while reading your posts on this thred. He may have walked away with a limp but he walked away a better man.
Keep pecking at it, BB. You are making progress.
deeplyrooted
I thought the quote taken from one of your posts (which for some reason cannot find) was your SD.
I get it now (palm of hand hitting forehead). Your T and SD play separate roles and that is why it words so well. The boundaries are clear as far as what topics are discussed. It sounds like you have the best of both worlds. What is unique for you than most is that you only meet with your T once a month and that meeting is not face to face. Either one of those on their own would be difficult for me. So it's great if you can make it work. Please do not feel you need to defend your T or your choice of one. This is the LAST place you should need to do that. We all know that once transference or attachment occurs then good, bad or indifferent, the client is going for a ride.
I like the idea of a spiritual director. I don't know what you meant when you said you had a bad experience of someone in a religious position taking advantage of that position but I have wounds in that area that need to be addressed. It would be good to have a mentor to walk alongside me through that stuff. Besides, a wise man seeks a multitude of counselors. One person cannot meet all of our needs.
quote:And I have some insight into how wounded I must have really been as a child, and still am- I was never aware of this before these love feelings for my T developed. Would I go back and change it and not enter therapy? No way...but still, I always thought, it was *love* that healed, not pain and grief. Why can't my T love me?
You are working hard to figure things out and find an answer to all your pain. For me, this quote exposes a lot of the struggle. I can't help but think of Jacob in the Old Testament when he wrestled with the angel while reading your posts on this thred. He may have walked away with a limp but he walked away a better man.
Keep pecking at it, BB. You are making progress.
deeplyrooted
BB!!!! I SO loved reading about how your relationship with your T is growing closer and safer and more about your needs. Love it love it LOVE IT!! I love the feedback you got from him, that you've never opened up to him before like you did on Wednesday, which shows that you both are noticing this change, both on the same page...how wonderful BB! 
And the way you are feeling more comfortable talking about what's really on your mind, and not having to get it "right", losing your fear of the attachment, feeling safer, the reassurances that he isn't going anywhere...it sounds like you and T are "getting in the groove" here and I'm just delighted for you. 
Your confusion as to what changed, exactly...I'd be feeling that too. Your wanting to ask is totally understandable...and your hesitancy, also understandable...what if the asking causes it to be taken away again. I really hope at some point you can talk with him about this too, but I totally understand the waiting, kind of holding the breath and just hoping this stays. But if the relationship continues to strengthen like this, you might feel safe enough at some point to venture asking. It sounds like you already have asked in some ways, though, such as asking him about the "reverse psychology"...kind of a joke, maybe, but kind of "not"...and it sounds like his response was very reassuring to you - "comforting and safe" - and now it's okay to have needs and express them, you won't be suddenly shoved out the door. As far as his being "bored" with your old family stuff, forgive me but what do you mean by old family stuff? Do you mean the family you grew up in? No matter, just curious...but again, if things continue going in this direction then you may wind up feeling safe enough to ask him about this, too.
I am sorry that you are still experiencing memory problems regarding the sessions...but I get the sense from what you said, that it has improved over time? I wonder if it will continue to improve, now that the pressure to "get well quick", wherever it was coming from, seems to be off. Forgive me, I can't remember, but have you considered recording your sessions?
And I would like you join you in hoping and praying that very soon everyone on this board would have the T they need who can help them. Thank you for sharing this, Blackbird! It is lovely to read about.
Hugs,
SG
And the way you are feeling more comfortable talking about what's really on your mind, and not having to get it "right", losing your fear of the attachment, feeling safer, the reassurances that he isn't going anywhere...it sounds like you and T are "getting in the groove" here and I'm just delighted for you. Your confusion as to what changed, exactly...I'd be feeling that too. Your wanting to ask is totally understandable...and your hesitancy, also understandable...what if the asking causes it to be taken away again. I really hope at some point you can talk with him about this too, but I totally understand the waiting, kind of holding the breath and just hoping this stays. But if the relationship continues to strengthen like this, you might feel safe enough at some point to venture asking.
It sounds like you already have asked in some ways, though, such as asking him about the "reverse psychology"...kind of a joke, maybe, but kind of "not"...and it sounds like his response was very reassuring to you - "comforting and safe" - and now it's okay to have needs and express them, you won't be suddenly shoved out the door. As far as his being "bored" with your old family stuff, forgive me but what do you mean by old family stuff? Do you mean the family you grew up in? No matter, just curious...but again, if things continue going in this direction then you may wind up feeling safe enough to ask him about this, too. I am sorry that you are still experiencing memory problems regarding the sessions...but I get the sense from what you said, that it has improved over time? I wonder if it will continue to improve, now that the pressure to "get well quick", wherever it was coming from, seems to be off. Forgive me, I can't remember, but have you considered recording your sessions?
And I would like you join you in hoping and praying that very soon everyone on this board would have the T they need who can help them.
Thank you for sharing this, Blackbird! It is lovely to read about.Hugs,
SG
Oh BB - you've no idea how gorgeous it is to read this. It's funny, I had the idea change was happening, because you SEEM different on the board this last week or two... like you have more room to say different stuff, to say more and to hold steady. It's just so fantastic to hear about you being able to just talk to your T and say what is so.
Totally endorse SG's comments above - that as you continue to get comfortable in this new feeling you can maybe explore & figure out what was going on before - I suspect that might even come naturally.
SO proud of you, you've worked SO hard for this.
((((((((((((BB))))))))))))
Totally endorse SG's comments above - that as you continue to get comfortable in this new feeling you can maybe explore & figure out what was going on before - I suspect that might even come naturally.
SO proud of you, you've worked SO hard for this.
((((((((((((BB))))))))))))
Blackbird,
For what it's worth, I have never thought that you were anything less than wonderful and supportive and I have never been the least bit offended by you or anyone else here. We all have our own stuff going on and a give/take rhythm that we get into. It doesn't say anything about you one way or the other. I totally understand the need to step back a bit, but I hope you won't go too far!
For what it's worth, I have never thought that you were anything less than wonderful and supportive and I have never been the least bit offended by you or anyone else here. We all have our own stuff going on and a give/take rhythm that we get into. It doesn't say anything about you one way or the other. I totally understand the need to step back a bit, but I hope you won't go too far!
I will second that STRM, BB you have always been open and generous with your thoughts and responses to others, so please don't allow yourself to think otherwise.
But if you need to take time out, or spend more time doing other things, then that is also fine. You must do only what is right for you - and all your friends here will totally understand. But don't fly too far BB, cos we'll miss you.....
starfish
But if you need to take time out, or spend more time doing other things, then that is also fine. You must do only what is right for you - and all your friends here will totally understand. But don't fly too far BB, cos we'll miss you.....
starfish
Hey BB - don't worry about the 'good' and the 'bad', just find your centre and do what feels ok. You are just fine the way you are. You could come on here, tell an offensive joke, burp, scratch yourself then disappear for a month and I'd still think you were great, though I'd miss you. Tell the guilt to bug off and do what you need to do. You've got a little room to move. xxx
BB
Aw poor you BB, that's tough, especially after things were getting a bit easier for you in T.
Oh how I can relate to that! It would totally floor me too. Not sure exactly why, but a combination of
1. Having someone there who wants to help YOU and just be there for YOU
2. That I want to say 'I don't know where to begin it feels too overwhelming'
3. That I don't think that I sometimes CAN be helped
Maybe none or some of those for you BB...my T now usually begins by asking how my week has gone since we last met - that allows me to go in very gently or launch in with two feet, depending on how I feel. Could you tell him that the question really wobbles you?
OOOOOOoooooohhhh BB I get your hurt, I'm feeling that hurt for you too. I think I know what he was intimating, but boy, I think he put it a tad clumsily to say the laest. You are important and IMO can't see HOW important and maybe put yourself at the bottom of the importance pile always. I wonder if what he was getting at was that he knew that
and wanted you to know that your part wasn't perhaps the most important part in those difficulties, that you were putting too muchh emphasis on your role witht that??? I'm not sure BB, but I do know that you must go back and tell him how you felt when he said that, if only to have clarification of what he meant. Please don't let this eat you up until then, my hunch is that he will be able to exxplain what he meant and that you can clear any misunderstanding. Tough though in the meanttime
(((((((BB)))))))
starfish
Aw poor you BB, that's tough, especially after things were getting a bit easier for you in T.
quote:Then yesterday am, he asked "the dreaded question" "What can I do for you today" and I totally paniced again. I croaked. I couldn't speak at all for most of the (long) session. T tried his hardest, and he wasn't mean to me at all...but we only talked about a few things and didn't really get into much of anything.
Oh how I can relate to that! It would totally floor me too. Not sure exactly why, but a combination of
1. Having someone there who wants to help YOU and just be there for YOU
2. That I want to say 'I don't know where to begin it feels too overwhelming'
3. That I don't think that I sometimes CAN be helped
Maybe none or some of those for you BB...my T now usually begins by asking how my week has gone since we last met - that allows me to go in very gently or launch in with two feet, depending on how I feel. Could you tell him that the question really wobbles you?
quote:I actually do remember him saying "You think too highly of yourself. Your not THAT important." in regards to me thinking our marriage problems are probably all my fault. But even though I know how he meant it, that really hurt. because that tapped directly into what I always think about myself anyway, which is "how DARE you think that you are so important that anybody would even notice you enough to have a thought about waht you said or did, BB?"
OOOOOOoooooohhhh BB I get your hurt, I'm feeling that hurt for you too. I think I know what he was intimating, but boy, I think he put it a tad clumsily to say the laest. You are important and IMO can't see HOW important and maybe put yourself at the bottom of the importance pile always. I wonder if what he was getting at was that he knew that
quote:my basic problem is that I really am not able to see the ways in which my husband could be part of the problem, specifically...and so my questions in that area just kind of died out... It gets like, I don't feel like anything I want to say is "right."
and wanted you to know that your part wasn't perhaps the most important part in those difficulties, that you were putting too muchh emphasis on your role witht that??? I'm not sure BB, but I do know that you must go back and tell him how you felt when he said that, if only to have clarification of what he meant. Please don't let this eat you up until then, my hunch is that he will be able to exxplain what he meant and that you can clear any misunderstanding. Tough though in the meanttime
(((((((BB)))))))
starfish
BB: Ah yes, the "paid transaction"... the "business connotation"....I hear you!! I remember my T once sharing with me after a very remarkable experience together "the only thing not right here is receiving payment for this".....
BB
I say similar things in T all the time and my T is always trying to get me to separate out fact from feeling; truth from supposition; that just beecause I feel bad, it doesn't mean I am bad....oh it seems so obvious when I say it to you and think of it for you, but I know what a struggle it is to even contemplate doing it for myself. I think it seems that we were both told often enough that we were bad, so that it has became the ingrained truth to us...and a truth that's now so hard to undo.
BB, only you can decide what is the right thing to do there...I only know that you have always posted so positively about him and got so much from his spiritual imput into those difficult subjects.......OK,OK...I guess I am really saying 'go on BB, give him a call!'
Gosh BB he's quite crypic!! I think I'd be left behind in the conversation thinking about what he'd just said
Hug feathery one
starfish(y)
quote:I am scared that it is really the truth about me...that I think I am the baddest one, that means I really AM the baddest one. If that makes sense. I guess I need to buck up my courage and go meet with my SD again, but it is getting harder and harder to ask for his help.
I say similar things in T all the time and my T is always trying to get me to separate out fact from feeling; truth from supposition; that just beecause I feel bad, it doesn't mean I am bad....oh it seems so obvious when I say it to you and think of it for you, but I know what a struggle it is to even contemplate doing it for myself. I think it seems that we were both told often enough that we were bad, so that it has became the ingrained truth to us...and a truth that's now so hard to undo.
quote:I guess I need to buck up my courage and go meet with my SD again, but it is getting harder and harder to ask for his help
BB, only you can decide what is the right thing to do there...I only know that you have always posted so positively about him and got so much from his spiritual imput into those difficult subjects.......OK,OK...I guess I am really saying 'go on BB, give him a call!'
quote:My T always says, "you do not pay me for my care, and you could not get care like it by paying for it. you pay me for my time." groan.
Gosh BB he's quite crypic!! I think I'd be left behind in the conversation thinking about what he'd just said
Hug feathery one
starfish(y)
BB I hope you are recovering a bit by now from the impact of this last session - it almost sounds as if your T has momentarily reverted to his previous non-comprehending incarnation. That sucks!
Lots of things you describe about your session rang (negative) bells for me, not least his opening salvo - ‘what can I do for you today’. Please bear in mind this reply is based on MY reactions to what your T is saying and probably don’t apply to you at all, but I can’t help but feel quite outraged on your behalf.
If he said that to me, for a start I’d immediately think, well mate instead of saying something that makes me feel like you don’t remember who the hell I am, what about asking me how I am? How I feel? What about bringing something up from last session that was unfinished, or that you thought would be a useful thing to further discuss? In fact, mate, what about remembering all the things I’ve told you about myself and showing you really have understood what it is I need from you instead of reinventing the wheel every time I see you!!!
Sorry getting a bit carried away with my imaginary conversation with your T.
Ok BB that you don’t remember a huge amount of what was said (which says to me you had to revert to dissociative types of defences to deal with a session that was going the wrong way from what you’d come to expect?) means your mind has spontaneously fixed on what to me are actually important issues in this session, namely
Wow did that comment of his knock the breath out of me! BB you’re working so hard to make sense of it, to put it into context, to convince yourself that he didn’t mean anything negative by it. And maybe that’s true too, I can’t imagine a T deliberately saying something like that in order to hurt or put down. BUT it was wrong. No question at all that it was the WRONG thing to say (not just wrong, but really dismissive and critical too). If he thought that you were attributing too much responsibility to yourself for what was going on in your marriage, there are a thousand and one different and infinitely better and more caring and helpful ways to say it than to confront you straight out with what sounds like a judgement/criticism of you.
No matter what his intention in saying that was, I know that if I were in your place it would really bother me and keep bothering me - just the simple fact that it hurt like hell, not to mention the profound effect it would have on reinforcing my already well established sense that I am bad for thinking that my bad feelings and perceptions are in any way remotely important to anyone anyway. Ugh does that make sense? Sounds a bit waffly sorry.
What I’m trying to say here is that I for one would HAVE to confront him about it, regardless of what his intention or the context was, because the words themselves are really hurtful - BB in ANY situation words like that are hurtful. It reminds me so much of the bad T I had who labelled me narcissistic for believing I was the only one born bad (I wonder if your T and my bad T did psych 101 together lol).
So I really hope you DON’T keep turning yourself inside out trying to see how he didn’t mean it, how he really meant it in a positive way - all the time squashing your own perfectly reasonable and valid bad feelings about it. And I hope you can feel ok enough to talk to him directly about what he said and how it made you feel.
Hm I promised myself I wouldn’t write massively convoluted posts in reply to you anymore, as they seem to be so confusing, but well, hell, can’t seem to help myself. I guess I could condense all of that into ten words or less but then I’d end up not saying anything. So, sorry if this post doesn’t make any sense as usual, but I really wanted to reach out to you as I can so much relate to the kinds of things that are going through your head right now.
(((( BB ))))
LL
Lots of things you describe about your session rang (negative) bells for me, not least his opening salvo - ‘what can I do for you today’. Please bear in mind this reply is based on MY reactions to what your T is saying and probably don’t apply to you at all, but I can’t help but feel quite outraged on your behalf.
If he said that to me, for a start I’d immediately think, well mate instead of saying something that makes me feel like you don’t remember who the hell I am, what about asking me how I am? How I feel? What about bringing something up from last session that was unfinished, or that you thought would be a useful thing to further discuss? In fact, mate, what about remembering all the things I’ve told you about myself and showing you really have understood what it is I need from you instead of reinventing the wheel every time I see you!!!
Sorry getting a bit carried away with my imaginary conversation with your T.
Ok BB that you don’t remember a huge amount of what was said (which says to me you had to revert to dissociative types of defences to deal with a session that was going the wrong way from what you’d come to expect?) means your mind has spontaneously fixed on what to me are actually important issues in this session, namely
quote:I actually do remember him saying "You think too highly of yourself. Your not THAT important." in regards to me thinking our marriage problems are probably all my fault. But even though I know how he meant it, that really hurt. because that tapped directly into what I always think about myself anyway, which is "how DARE you think that you are so important that anybody would even notice you enough to have a thought about waht you said or did, BB?" Not too great to have that one validated, not really. ugh. But I know he didn't really mean it that way, he just didn't know what to say, or that seemed like it would help, or whatever.
Wow did that comment of his knock the breath out of me! BB you’re working so hard to make sense of it, to put it into context, to convince yourself that he didn’t mean anything negative by it. And maybe that’s true too, I can’t imagine a T deliberately saying something like that in order to hurt or put down. BUT it was wrong. No question at all that it was the WRONG thing to say (not just wrong, but really dismissive and critical too). If he thought that you were attributing too much responsibility to yourself for what was going on in your marriage, there are a thousand and one different and infinitely better and more caring and helpful ways to say it than to confront you straight out with what sounds like a judgement/criticism of you.
No matter what his intention in saying that was, I know that if I were in your place it would really bother me and keep bothering me - just the simple fact that it hurt like hell, not to mention the profound effect it would have on reinforcing my already well established sense that I am bad for thinking that my bad feelings and perceptions are in any way remotely important to anyone anyway. Ugh does that make sense? Sounds a bit waffly sorry.
What I’m trying to say here is that I for one would HAVE to confront him about it, regardless of what his intention or the context was, because the words themselves are really hurtful - BB in ANY situation words like that are hurtful. It reminds me so much of the bad T I had who labelled me narcissistic for believing I was the only one born bad (I wonder if your T and my bad T did psych 101 together lol).
So I really hope you DON’T keep turning yourself inside out trying to see how he didn’t mean it, how he really meant it in a positive way - all the time squashing your own perfectly reasonable and valid bad feelings about it. And I hope you can feel ok enough to talk to him directly about what he said and how it made you feel.
Hm I promised myself I wouldn’t write massively convoluted posts in reply to you anymore, as they seem to be so confusing, but well, hell, can’t seem to help myself. I guess I could condense all of that into ten words or less but then I’d end up not saying anything. So, sorry if this post doesn’t make any sense as usual, but I really wanted to reach out to you as I can so much relate to the kinds of things that are going through your head right now.
(((( BB ))))
LL
((((BB))))
BB have you ever told him this is how he makes you feel? I mean really told him and had a chat about it? If, despite being agood T and caring, he still makes mistakes and srews up, then I think that you really ought to tell him so. Maybe it's just his manner, but if you are spending a lot of time after sessions agonising over what he said and what that really meant, then I am sure he'd rather know. Yo need to be processing your stuff, not his.
And it's only my opinion dear BB, but don't go into any couples therapy with him before you have that bit sorted out with just you and him incsessions, because you might end up feeling really vulnerable then. I am sorry you have a long break now, that's always so tough isn't it, especially when ther's so much unresolved thoughts from what he said last time too.
Take care BB
Ther may be problems feathery one, but please know that is NOT one of them...the problem is that you feel bad when you are not.
starfish
quote:And then I think I am being too sensitive, reading to much into it, and here we go round the merry go round again...groan. Why does he keep hurting me? I wonder why? And why does it feel like he cares? He really IS a good T- I can see that, and I really believe it, and I really DO want to trust him...and cut him slack for mistakes and screwing up, saying things wrong and stuff.
BB have you ever told him this is how he makes you feel? I mean really told him and had a chat about it? If, despite being agood T and caring, he still makes mistakes and srews up, then I think that you really ought to tell him so. Maybe it's just his manner, but if you are spending a lot of time after sessions agonising over what he said and what that really meant, then I am sure he'd rather know. Yo need to be processing your stuff, not his.
And it's only my opinion dear BB, but don't go into any couples therapy with him before you have that bit sorted out with just you and him incsessions, because you might end up feeling really vulnerable then. I am sorry you have a long break now, that's always so tough isn't it, especially when ther's so much unresolved thoughts from what he said last time too.
Take care BB
quote:Maybe I really am bad and that is what the problem is
Ther may be problems feathery one, but please know that is NOT one of them...the problem is that you feel bad when you are not.
starfish
Hi Beebee -
I read your posts on this thread earlier and I have been really thinking about it a lot since then. I think this thing he said - "you are not THAT important" in relation to you taking all the blame for everything is a really really important thing for you to work with.
Here's what I'm wondering (and I could be wrong): maybe he has an idea by now of how central this mode of operating (taking all the blame) is for you, and he's giving you a direct challenge on it. He's doing it in a way that's pretty provocative, and that tweaks one of your other core beliefs - that you are not important. In a way he seems to have got you into a situation that means you have to let go a little bit of one or the other. As in, EITHER the blame is all yours and so you are important, OR you are no more nor less important than your husband, and the blame is shared. I suspect he may be even deliberately stirring for a little bit of anger, just perhaps, perhaps because it might be a useful tool for you as you try to confront these beliefs.
I can hear that this situation is really painful for you. He's challenging some core beliefs, and your instinct is to protect yourself with those beliefs, as maybe you have for a long time (it IS my fault, AND I'm not important). This might account for your feeling like he keeps hurting you, doing it on purpose - he's really challenging you.
It's pretty instinctive for us to get angry when we feel like someone is deliberately trying to hurt us or challenge us - do you feel that? Do you think he might be trying to invite your anger? I know my former T used to be provocative with me quite a lot, and she was also really deliberately inviting my anger, because I think she thought I needed practice at feeling it and reacting on the spot. When I think about this now, I realise how good it was for me. It used to take me FOREVER to realise I was angry. So in a bad situation, where someone really overstepped my boundaries, I would just get confused and zone out, and then realise days later that something bad had happened and maybe it wasn't all my fault as I'd assumed at first.
I do that much less now, and that I think is really good. It means I can protect myself better, and not let bad things happen so easily. So I don't know if any of this is actually what your T is up to, but I can see that either way, really dealing with this stuff head on HAS to be therapeutic. As LL says, it is really important not to keep turning it in and turning it in and squashing your feelings. Either he doesn't know how you feel about this stuff and he NEEDS to know, because he is out of line, or he has an idea of how you feel about this stuff and is actually inviting your feelings and your response on it. It IS painful and hard, but I reckon good things are going to come of this.
One other thing I NEED to say:
Beebee, baby, this is BANANAS!!!! Let me lay this message out to see if I've got it right. You were told:
1) You think your sins are important.
2) It is sinful to think your sins are important.
3) Only the devil thinks his sins are important.
4) Therefore you are (like) the devil.
Where does that leave you, BB? Seems like your options are to a) Ignore your sins (like the sin you've just been accused of, that you didn't know about), therefore becoming a bigger sinner, or b) Think your sins are important, making you the devil!!!
Sorry - that's just bananas - I can't see any way out of that little trap except by recognising that it's JUST NOT TRUE.
It's probably not my place to say that, and as you know I'm certainly not an expert, but in my humble opinion think there is a whole lot of human wonkiness in that message, and I really hope you've let it go. You deserve better.
love
Jones.
I read your posts on this thread earlier and I have been really thinking about it a lot since then. I think this thing he said - "you are not THAT important" in relation to you taking all the blame for everything is a really really important thing for you to work with.
Here's what I'm wondering (and I could be wrong): maybe he has an idea by now of how central this mode of operating (taking all the blame) is for you, and he's giving you a direct challenge on it. He's doing it in a way that's pretty provocative, and that tweaks one of your other core beliefs - that you are not important. In a way he seems to have got you into a situation that means you have to let go a little bit of one or the other. As in, EITHER the blame is all yours and so you are important, OR you are no more nor less important than your husband, and the blame is shared. I suspect he may be even deliberately stirring for a little bit of anger, just perhaps, perhaps because it might be a useful tool for you as you try to confront these beliefs.
I can hear that this situation is really painful for you. He's challenging some core beliefs, and your instinct is to protect yourself with those beliefs, as maybe you have for a long time (it IS my fault, AND I'm not important). This might account for your feeling like he keeps hurting you, doing it on purpose - he's really challenging you.
It's pretty instinctive for us to get angry when we feel like someone is deliberately trying to hurt us or challenge us - do you feel that? Do you think he might be trying to invite your anger? I know my former T used to be provocative with me quite a lot, and she was also really deliberately inviting my anger, because I think she thought I needed practice at feeling it and reacting on the spot. When I think about this now, I realise how good it was for me. It used to take me FOREVER to realise I was angry. So in a bad situation, where someone really overstepped my boundaries, I would just get confused and zone out, and then realise days later that something bad had happened and maybe it wasn't all my fault as I'd assumed at first.
I do that much less now, and that I think is really good. It means I can protect myself better, and not let bad things happen so easily. So I don't know if any of this is actually what your T is up to, but I can see that either way, really dealing with this stuff head on HAS to be therapeutic. As LL says, it is really important not to keep turning it in and turning it in and squashing your feelings. Either he doesn't know how you feel about this stuff and he NEEDS to know, because he is out of line, or he has an idea of how you feel about this stuff and is actually inviting your feelings and your response on it. It IS painful and hard, but I reckon good things are going to come of this.
One other thing I NEED to say:
quote:in my family growing up, I was always told that I was being like the devil and only the devil thinks he is the baddest one, so that means I was just like him for thinking that my sins are so important.
Beebee, baby, this is BANANAS!!!! Let me lay this message out to see if I've got it right. You were told:
1) You think your sins are important.
2) It is sinful to think your sins are important.
3) Only the devil thinks his sins are important.
4) Therefore you are (like) the devil.
Where does that leave you, BB? Seems like your options are to a) Ignore your sins (like the sin you've just been accused of, that you didn't know about), therefore becoming a bigger sinner, or b) Think your sins are important, making you the devil!!!
Sorry - that's just bananas - I can't see any way out of that little trap except by recognising that it's JUST NOT TRUE.
It's probably not my place to say that, and as you know I'm certainly not an expert, but in my humble opinion think there is a whole lot of human wonkiness in that message, and I really hope you've let it go. You deserve better.
love
Jones.
BB that's so irritating when it happens, especially when you're tired or a slowish typist like me!! I always copy and paste a long reply elsewhere just in case it vanishes when I press 'post'...seems to happen quite often to me.
starfish
starfish
Hey BB,
Boo to disappearing posts!
I can't tell whether I'm here or not.... But I'm giving you a passing hug in either case - you know, the cabin door is unlocked, why don't y'all bundle in and keep the place warm for me while I flit in and out?
xxxJ
Boo to disappearing posts!
I can't tell whether I'm here or not.... But I'm giving you a passing hug in either case - you know, the cabin door is unlocked, why don't y'all bundle in and keep the place warm for me while I flit in and out?
xxxJ