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ultraviolet...it does seem there is an 'after-burner' of insight that comes just shortly AFTER an intense session. and that is good stuff. write down your thoughts in a journal (you probably do) and i would tend to read a bit of this in the next session, as i could no way, no how, come up with it on my own after a week. i would minimize my feelings and feel some kind of responsiblilty to be 'more well' than what i felt so shortly after the session....to have 'healed through' the event.
as to the transference 'love' feelings? i think it is sweet that you felt comforted in his boundary he set up, and i admire that you felt that way, and that he handled it well. sounds like a good T. i think the feelings i felt towards T1 (my longest relationship with a T) was more trying to get 'mommy love' than ever anything erotic with him. i questioned it alot myself, and i didn't picture sex, i pictured acceptance, and i know the physical longing i felt when i felt it (which i knew was never achievable) was able to be satisfyed with my husband holding me and patting me and stroking my hair...and sex.
but i did feel an unquenshed feeling for him, and i admire you being able to state it to him. mine was so hyper-vigilant about what i think were his own counter-transference feelings in how he stated 'i would never have an affair on my wife' during my semi-concious trancelike rambling about my shitty childhood, that i think it kindof broke down the relationship of even feeling free to be open with him about my stuff, let alone any feelings for him. ((too much about me, suffice it to say, i was with an inexperienced therapist for T1) and the good news for you, is it seems to me that you are in a SAFE PLACE to discuss these feelings, and i suspect, the need for cuddling as opposed to sex, says the transference was of the 'mommy sort' anyway, so you have nothing to hide. even if it is different, and more of a 'peer acceptance', he sounds like he can handle it.
thanks for sharing and i know those are hard and confusing feelings, but it is great you recognize their further implications!! go girl!!
as to the transference 'love' feelings? i think it is sweet that you felt comforted in his boundary he set up, and i admire that you felt that way, and that he handled it well. sounds like a good T. i think the feelings i felt towards T1 (my longest relationship with a T) was more trying to get 'mommy love' than ever anything erotic with him. i questioned it alot myself, and i didn't picture sex, i pictured acceptance, and i know the physical longing i felt when i felt it (which i knew was never achievable) was able to be satisfyed with my husband holding me and patting me and stroking my hair...and sex.
but i did feel an unquenshed feeling for him, and i admire you being able to state it to him. mine was so hyper-vigilant about what i think were his own counter-transference feelings in how he stated 'i would never have an affair on my wife' during my semi-concious trancelike rambling about my shitty childhood, that i think it kindof broke down the relationship of even feeling free to be open with him about my stuff, let alone any feelings for him. ((too much about me, suffice it to say, i was with an inexperienced therapist for T1) and the good news for you, is it seems to me that you are in a SAFE PLACE to discuss these feelings, and i suspect, the need for cuddling as opposed to sex, says the transference was of the 'mommy sort' anyway, so you have nothing to hide. even if it is different, and more of a 'peer acceptance', he sounds like he can handle it.
thanks for sharing and i know those are hard and confusing feelings, but it is great you recognize their further implications!! go girl!!
Ultraviolet hi
Yes yes yes. I feel a LOT of anger and though sometimes it’s sparked by a specific event or person or comment mostly I sit in a pressure cooker of undirected rage (half the time I don’t even recognize that it’s rage it’s only lately that’s become clear.) Before, I’d really struggle trying to make a connection between my anger and something that must have caused it - and usually ended up with it all being my fault anyway. I’ve come to accept that yes actually I can be angry without needing to find a specific cause - it makes it a whole lot easier to then go with the feeling and eventually the connection arises by itself IN the feeling itself.
I could make a guess and say that because you started to feel intensely positive feelings towards your T maybe that connected with similar feelings you’ve had before (for example towards your mother) which were treated abominably (rejected, negated, invalidated, abused?) and the anger is in some way connected to that. But I’m just theorizing, only you can know what the connections are. Sorry I can’t help but speculate!
It’s funny you made that connection between anxiety and anger - ditto for me too - I have a real problem with paranoid fear it totally slays me can’t deal with it at all and have been going through a bad patch with it recently - one day it sort of clicked that actually I feel so intensely paranoid because underneath I’m absolutely enraged - and anger to that extreme is SO dangerous I’m not so surprised I should be so terrified. It was more of an intellectual insight because no way in hell am I able to feel anger THAT strongly at the moment, but it really did help me understand the paranoid fear - and let me deal with it a bit better.
I agree totally with you Ultraviolet I think one session a week isn’t enough (not nearly enough!) there’s too much time in between sessions and real life has a way of diluting both emotional insights and the actual feelings that can come up after a session so that by the time you get to the next session it’s like, hm well yeah I remember I DID feel x, y or z but it’s all gone now… Is there something stopping you seeing your T more often? You said you don’t journal but it might be worth thinking about it. I find that can help with post session insights and feelings - to just write whatever comes out of my head, all sorts of light bulbs go off sometimes.
Ultraviolet I hope your therapy continues in this positive way, it sounds like you have a great relationship with your T.
LL
quote:What is this? Has anyone experienced this type of anger where you were not sure who/what you were angry at? Can a person be angry at an 'experience' and not a person? I doubt that, but I can't figure out who I am actually angry with. Maybe I am breaking the pattern of directnig anger at myself with this insight-I'm not sure. Just wondering if anyone can relate. Deep, I know.
Yes yes yes. I feel a LOT of anger and though sometimes it’s sparked by a specific event or person or comment mostly I sit in a pressure cooker of undirected rage (half the time I don’t even recognize that it’s rage it’s only lately that’s become clear.) Before, I’d really struggle trying to make a connection between my anger and something that must have caused it - and usually ended up with it all being my fault anyway. I’ve come to accept that yes actually I can be angry without needing to find a specific cause - it makes it a whole lot easier to then go with the feeling and eventually the connection arises by itself IN the feeling itself.
I could make a guess and say that because you started to feel intensely positive feelings towards your T maybe that connected with similar feelings you’ve had before (for example towards your mother) which were treated abominably (rejected, negated, invalidated, abused?) and the anger is in some way connected to that. But I’m just theorizing, only you can know what the connections are. Sorry I can’t help but speculate!
It’s funny you made that connection between anxiety and anger - ditto for me too - I have a real problem with paranoid fear it totally slays me can’t deal with it at all and have been going through a bad patch with it recently - one day it sort of clicked that actually I feel so intensely paranoid because underneath I’m absolutely enraged - and anger to that extreme is SO dangerous I’m not so surprised I should be so terrified. It was more of an intellectual insight because no way in hell am I able to feel anger THAT strongly at the moment, but it really did help me understand the paranoid fear - and let me deal with it a bit better.
I agree totally with you Ultraviolet I think one session a week isn’t enough (not nearly enough!) there’s too much time in between sessions and real life has a way of diluting both emotional insights and the actual feelings that can come up after a session so that by the time you get to the next session it’s like, hm well yeah I remember I DID feel x, y or z but it’s all gone now… Is there something stopping you seeing your T more often? You said you don’t journal but it might be worth thinking about it. I find that can help with post session insights and feelings - to just write whatever comes out of my head, all sorts of light bulbs go off sometimes.
Ultraviolet I hope your therapy continues in this positive way, it sounds like you have a great relationship with your T.
LL