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Hi UV,
My short answer is it's both a sign of developing attachment and a defense (don't have a lot of time right now, we have house guests coming and I'm trying to make my house habitable
).
Letting our Ts move closer and letting them mean something to us is a healthy thing, forming an attachment with them is what allows them to help us heal and get the things we missed developmentally.
On the other hand, we're not really falling in love with them. Do NOT get me wrong, the feelings are very real, and I know that I do love my T, and I've told him that. But there is so much we do not know about our Ts, some of which might change our opinion. We get a very idealized version of them for 50 minutes at a time, where they are totally focused on our needs, and keeping theirs out of the room, a situation you cannot indefinitely maintain outside of therapy which is why the boundaries are there to protect both of you. The patient from exploitation and the therapist from burnout. But I think we use what we do know of them and how they treat us to create an idealized person (even to the point of finding their faults "cute" I SO do that one!) because in our head we're constructing that fantasy we've always looked for that; the someone who will love us so well and so perfectly that all the pain (that often we haven't faced yet) will melt away and the pain and losses of our childhood will so vanish as to have never existed in the first place.
My feelings for my T can move around, sometimes being more paternal, sometimes more erotic/romantic in nature. A sure sign that I was trying to avoid pain is a sudden intensifying of the erotic feelings.
I've written pretty extensively on this subject on the forums, as well as a lot of other people. I would again urge you to read the threads whose links I posted earlier in this thread and browse some topics in the forum. There's a wealth of good information already available on this topic.
AG
My short answer is it's both a sign of developing attachment and a defense (don't have a lot of time right now, we have house guests coming and I'm trying to make my house habitable
).Letting our Ts move closer and letting them mean something to us is a healthy thing, forming an attachment with them is what allows them to help us heal and get the things we missed developmentally.
On the other hand, we're not really falling in love with them. Do NOT get me wrong, the feelings are very real, and I know that I do love my T, and I've told him that. But there is so much we do not know about our Ts, some of which might change our opinion. We get a very idealized version of them for 50 minutes at a time, where they are totally focused on our needs, and keeping theirs out of the room, a situation you cannot indefinitely maintain outside of therapy which is why the boundaries are there to protect both of you. The patient from exploitation and the therapist from burnout. But I think we use what we do know of them and how they treat us to create an idealized person (even to the point of finding their faults "cute" I SO do that one!) because in our head we're constructing that fantasy we've always looked for that; the someone who will love us so well and so perfectly that all the pain (that often we haven't faced yet) will melt away and the pain and losses of our childhood will so vanish as to have never existed in the first place.
My feelings for my T can move around, sometimes being more paternal, sometimes more erotic/romantic in nature. A sure sign that I was trying to avoid pain is a sudden intensifying of the erotic feelings.
I've written pretty extensively on this subject on the forums, as well as a lot of other people. I would again urge you to read the threads whose links I posted earlier in this thread and browse some topics in the forum. There's a wealth of good information already available on this topic.
AG
quote:T has mentioned my idealizing once or twice, though not recently...and I guess 'in love' is sort of idealizing as comparied with mature love. I'm not sure if I'm idealizing or not. Not tht it matters too much-but I was wondering if anyone has had this experience or any thoughts to offer to help me sort out some confusion about these feelings.
Hi Uv,
Mayo here.
My T has never put it this way, but if I am honest with myself- as I see it now (a bit healthier) this is precisely what I have been doing.
In my last session I asked him if he were a Guru of sorts- he laughed, and said no, that he would need so more intensive training for that. the reason I asked him (and I explained this to him) is that I gain so much from him acting as a role model for me- even more than from his words. (well the role model- encompasses his words- but his actions back his words, and that is where I gain strength- because in my eyes he is truly a good and wise person. Hense the idolization.) I can see this now for what it is, and even though I still LOVE him to pieces, the love is becoming more what it should be. (and besides- he is happpily married- darn!) I think he senses this change in me because he once again offers a hug (a long story).
Get well- be well, and I offer my best to your strong and steady healing and growth.
Mayo
Oh- and check out all of AG's post- she is very wise indeed.
I have found extremely little to refute her thoughts. She carries much experitse.
Book- recommended by AG- A GENERAL THEORY OF LOVE - an excellent read about attachment.
I have found extremely little to refute her thoughts. She carries much experitse.
Book- recommended by AG- A GENERAL THEORY OF LOVE - an excellent read about attachment.
Hi UV, thanks for this thread...I can really relate to alot of your questions and what you wrote in general..mlc
UV,
Great thread.
Whenever this topic comes up, I always wish there were more men on the forum...men who are seeing male therapists...because I'd love to know how this dynamic plays out in situations like mine.
I am very blocked in therapy because of what my T calls 'a problem of love.' He means this in reference to both of my parents, but presently in regard to my father in particular, and himself.
The problem is that I can't feel much in the way of love, affection, or gratitude toward either my father or my T. All I can feel for my father is rage and a vague but profound feeling of sadness about our relationship. And all I can really feel for my T is anger and the occasional vague feeling of affection and connection. In fact, on Friday I told my T, "how dare you suggest that I have feelings of love for you. All you give me are reasons to hate you." I know, it's harsh, but I'm trying to be as open and honest with him as possible. He responded, "right. You need to make me as meaningless and irrelevant as possible, and your pain also helps to ensure that there's no understanding of what's happening here. It keeps the wall in tact."
I'm stuck in this place of my #1 priority being feeling better (getting rid of the symptoms), and I want to do this without having to have much feeling about my T. Well, it's been over two years now, and the symptoms are as bad as ever. Still, I can't seem to get it through my head that the symptoms aren't just going to go away. I need to feel what I'm terrified to feel...for my mother, father and my T. I just don't know how stop fighting it.
Ugh! I didn't mean to make this thread about me. I have a bad habit of doing this. UV, I think what you're feeling about your T has got to be a good thing, as evidenced here:
Do you think your decreasing feelings of anxiety and fear of your T was part of your defence against opening up? To me it sounds a little like you've allowed yourself to experience some new feelings, and your brain sees that having these feelings won't destroy you and therefore there's less of a need to feel anxious and fearful. If this is the case, it sounds like good stuff to me...a direct cause and effect in action. This sounds like wonderful progress to me.
Russ
Great thread.
Whenever this topic comes up, I always wish there were more men on the forum...men who are seeing male therapists...because I'd love to know how this dynamic plays out in situations like mine.
I am very blocked in therapy because of what my T calls 'a problem of love.' He means this in reference to both of my parents, but presently in regard to my father in particular, and himself.
The problem is that I can't feel much in the way of love, affection, or gratitude toward either my father or my T. All I can feel for my father is rage and a vague but profound feeling of sadness about our relationship. And all I can really feel for my T is anger and the occasional vague feeling of affection and connection. In fact, on Friday I told my T, "how dare you suggest that I have feelings of love for you. All you give me are reasons to hate you." I know, it's harsh, but I'm trying to be as open and honest with him as possible. He responded, "right. You need to make me as meaningless and irrelevant as possible, and your pain also helps to ensure that there's no understanding of what's happening here. It keeps the wall in tact."
I'm stuck in this place of my #1 priority being feeling better (getting rid of the symptoms), and I want to do this without having to have much feeling about my T. Well, it's been over two years now, and the symptoms are as bad as ever. Still, I can't seem to get it through my head that the symptoms aren't just going to go away. I need to feel what I'm terrified to feel...for my mother, father and my T. I just don't know how stop fighting it.
Ugh! I didn't mean to make this thread about me. I have a bad habit of doing this. UV, I think what you're feeling about your T has got to be a good thing, as evidenced here:
quote:I still have anxiety though not that much in session now...and I had been anxious and fearful with him before that, but it seems I'm not that anxious and fearful anymore since the love feelings arose.
Do you think your decreasing feelings of anxiety and fear of your T was part of your defence against opening up? To me it sounds a little like you've allowed yourself to experience some new feelings, and your brain sees that having these feelings won't destroy you and therefore there's less of a need to feel anxious and fearful. If this is the case, it sounds like good stuff to me...a direct cause and effect in action. This sounds like wonderful progress to me.
Russ
Russ,
My T had a male therapist and yes, I am quite curious how it looked like for him. I'm kind of curious, did he actually love his therapist (or any pervious one - he was seeing 3 therapist over the years).
I wonder if men (well, you in this case), just need more time to accept the feelings of... affection. It seems so easy for us - women to love whoever is there - a man or a woman.
I think I might ask my T if he loved all his therapists. He may not answer, but I'm just curious if feelings of love, attachment are part of everyones therapy.
My T had a male therapist and yes, I am quite curious how it looked like for him. I'm kind of curious, did he actually love his therapist (or any pervious one - he was seeing 3 therapist over the years).
I wonder if men (well, you in this case), just need more time to accept the feelings of... affection. It seems so easy for us - women to love whoever is there - a man or a woman.
I think I might ask my T if he loved all his therapists. He may not answer, but I'm just curious if feelings of love, attachment are part of everyones therapy.
quote:Originally posted by Amazon:
I think I might ask my T if he loved all his therapists. He may not answer, but I'm just curious if feelings of love, attachment are part of everyones therapy.
Amazon,
If you end up asking your T this question and he answers, I'd love to know what he says...that is if you're comfortable sharing. You can also PM me.
I'm really struggling to make my therapy about my relationship with my T. He's practically begging me to do this, but I've got so many defences up around it that it's ridiculous. We're at a real impasse because I just don't want to go there.
Thanks,
Russ
Russ, I don't mind sharing, as long as he is comfortable to give me this information.
However... I forgot to ask today...
You know yourself, so many things about me, me, me... that I am trying to share or not to shar with him and then I just forgot.
Russ, I'm just wondering, if you could just sit alone with yourself and try to have an honest converstaion with just yourself.
If you asked yourself "Right, what actually do I feel towards this guy?" and try to be honest with yourself (no one alse will know).
That's kind of what I did myself nearly a year ago. Was a bit like opening Pandora's box... but...
However... I forgot to ask today...
You know yourself, so many things about me, me, me... that I am trying to share or not to shar with him and then I just forgot.
Russ, I'm just wondering, if you could just sit alone with yourself and try to have an honest converstaion with just yourself.
If you asked yourself "Right, what actually do I feel towards this guy?" and try to be honest with yourself (no one alse will know).
That's kind of what I did myself nearly a year ago. Was a bit like opening Pandora's box... but...
I asked my T if it is common for all people to love their therapists (I was wondering if he loved his therapists - he had 3 of them over the years). He replied that some people just hate their therapists and he disliked most of them, except maybe for one guy who was kind of like a father figure to him.
That's just to answer to you Russ, but I didn't really get a lot of information from him
That's just to answer to you Russ, but I didn't really get a lot of information from him