.
Original Post
Replies sorted oldest to newest
Draggers and Monte your relationship with your T's sounds beautiful x Reading your posts made me feel quite sad coz i don't feel like I will ever have that kind of relationhip with my T. I'm feeling really disconected with my T since her holidays and i told her last night if therapy was to end with her, I wouldn't be bothered about it 
and now she has another holiday at the end of the month for about 6 weeks
Sometimes I feel im just wasting my time with this therapy lark coz i don't think i can allow myself to get close to her.
I'm tired of thinking and trying to work out what im feeling
Hev
Ok this post triggered somrthing in me, just phoned T and waiting for her to return my call
and now she has another holiday at the end of the month for about 6 weeks Sometimes I feel im just wasting my time with this therapy lark coz i don't think i can allow myself to get close to her.
I'm tired of thinking and trying to work out what im feeling
Hev
Ok this post triggered somrthing in me, just phoned T and waiting for her to return my call
Hey Draggers i'm ok, you do not have to delete your post honest. I think i felt sad because I really want to feel close to my T but I just can't seem to stop pushing her away.
T called me back and im feeling better
Hev x
T called me back and im feeling better
Hev x
((((Hev)))) I'm sorry that you are so upset, but glad your T called back and you are feeling better. I would be devastated if my T took breaks that were that long and so close together.
I've only been with my T for a little over a year, but the thought of leaving her scares me to my core. My old T I saw for about 4 years and the end with her came pretty naturally. However, I also knew it wasn't really the total end because we had a relationship outside of T after I left and I knew I could always call her. I had moved on to other big things in my life (I was pregnant at the time) so it just seemed to fit to stop therapy.
This time is different. Myself and others (especially the littles) are so attached to our T. Some inside aren't yet and that is ok, but many of us are and the thought of being separated from her is something that comes up often and always with a flood of tears. T and I have talked about it often, but it is usually in the context of unplanned separation (something happening to her etc.) rather than ending therapy. That is so far down the road at this point that we have not talked about it. I do fear that I'll get about 75% of the way there and then she will retire or something. That scares me a ton! I just hope that if and when the day comes to leave her that I will be ready and it won't be a repeat of feeling abandoned. I think that if it were a sudden separation and one that I did not want that it would darn near kill me. That is something that my husband does not understand at all. He thinks it is wrong that I feel so attached to someone outside of our family and does not get it other than to say that I'm trying to replace my mom. No, not really, but I am trying to heal from what I didn't get from her.
I've only been with my T for a little over a year, but the thought of leaving her scares me to my core. My old T I saw for about 4 years and the end with her came pretty naturally. However, I also knew it wasn't really the total end because we had a relationship outside of T after I left and I knew I could always call her. I had moved on to other big things in my life (I was pregnant at the time) so it just seemed to fit to stop therapy.
This time is different. Myself and others (especially the littles) are so attached to our T. Some inside aren't yet and that is ok, but many of us are and the thought of being separated from her is something that comes up often and always with a flood of tears. T and I have talked about it often, but it is usually in the context of unplanned separation (something happening to her etc.) rather than ending therapy. That is so far down the road at this point that we have not talked about it. I do fear that I'll get about 75% of the way there and then she will retire or something. That scares me a ton! I just hope that if and when the day comes to leave her that I will be ready and it won't be a repeat of feeling abandoned. I think that if it were a sudden separation and one that I did not want that it would darn near kill me. That is something that my husband does not understand at all. He thinks it is wrong that I feel so attached to someone outside of our family and does not get it other than to say that I'm trying to replace my mom. No, not really, but I am trying to heal from what I didn't get from her.
Me three ((((STRMS))))
Make it four please...
(((STRMS, DF, Hev)))
starfish
(((STRMS, DF, Hev)))
starfish
quote:You - and all the others who agreed with you - are a step ahead of me. I know I should be aiming for that also, but I know I'm still trying to secure a dad for the trapped little thing inside me. Recipe for heartbreak...but maybe it has to break
Monte,
Well, if I thought I actually could have her replace my mom then I would, but I know that isn't possible or practical. Heck, I have no idea what she is like with her adult daughters. She could totally suck as a mom (totally doubt that...can't even fathom it). Actually, at this point I'd settle for being one of her cats. They get to hang out and be with her every day all curled up in her lap. Ugh, now I just sound pathetic. Really, the adult me doesn't want that, it's the littles that think that sounds like a good idea.
Hugs back to all who feel the same as well.
DF: Wow, that is so nice that your T said that she loves you. I'm sure it was nice for CP's and for you to hear that. I can't imagine my T saying that, but you never know. Right now the littles both want to be with her (feeling safe) and also can't figure out why she is so nice to them. It is so foreign to them.
quote:What damage is done when such a healing relationship must be ripped from your life? Surely everything will be undone. Or am I seeing it like that because I am yet to heal and so all I see is more abandonment looming?
Hi Monte
Since you opened it up, I thought I'd throw a few thoughts in the ring (as tough as it is to follow STRM and DF!
) My first T retired after we had worked together for over 20 years (there were some breaks, but we spent a significant part of that time in weekly therapy and even one 15 week group therapy of which she was co-facilitator.) It was a very deep, trusting relationship from which I learned a tremendous amount. I really related to what you said about your T watching you and your kids grow up. I started with my T for pre-marital counseling and moved into individual counseling so she went with me through the early years of my marriage, having children, raising children, job changes, my dad's death, and so on. All the stuff life can throw at you landed in her lap. She helped me recover and process all my memories of the abuse, gave me a safe place where I could start to learn who I am, and helped me find my voice. She is, without a doubt, one of the most important people in my life.
When she announced her retirement, it was NOT welcome news. I think I've posted about it somewhere else on the forum but the beginning of that year had seen my MIL hospitalized for three weeks during which she almost died, an extremely close friend who was a second mother to my girls died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 53, my mother was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphonma (she's fine now, chemo worked!) and my FIL died of advanced Alzheimer's. To say it was bad timing was kind of like saying Niagra Falls is a little damp.
BUT I want to tell you that as devastating as it felt when she first told me, it was a good ending and in the long run turned out to be a good thing for me. She ended it right by giving me almost five months notice and I continued to see her weekly right up to the end (actually it was really important because I had left therapy with her once by disappearing for a few years, and it was important to me that I see it through.) I remember thinking at the time that I wasn't sure how I would get through it. One thing that helped me was that my husband and I were seeing my current T for marital counseling at the time and he understood just how significant this was.
We were able to reflect back on our relationship, how far we had come, and we laughed and cried and laughed again. She was able to hear my anger and sadness and fear about her going away (as much as I was willing to express) and I will never forget our last appt. We both had gifts for each other, and I was taking a large pillow from her office that I always used to hug during sessions and asked if I could take it with me. At the end of the session, we both got up and went to hug each other at the same time. It was long, intense hug but the best thing was that we said almost exactly at the same time "I love you." I really, really already knew that she felt that way, and she knew I felt that way but we had never said it. I was so grateful we said it at the same time because it didn't feel like anyone "had" to say it in response, you know? It was a very precious gift that I still carry with me.
I don't want to act like it was easy, I did mourn for awhile (we've had no contact since, I never thought to ask honestly, because I just assumed it wasn't allowed). But like all grief, it healed and now I have her back. She is a wonderful memory and I carry her with me at all times. She is an integral part of me, woven into the fabric of my being, I couldn't lose her if I wanted to. So I didn't lose the work I did with her, and in some ways, I didn't lose her. I can still hear her sometimes or know what she would say.
The truth is, that loss is at the heart of every relationship. Death is an unavoidable part of every life and every relationship we have eventually will end. Ending a significant relationship with a therapist is a unique opportunity to do so in a way which allows you to look at the goodbye and express your feelings and be heard in a way you rarely get.
So why do we move closer to a therapist knowing, KNOWING, that one day it will end? This isn't the question at the heart of therapy, it's the question at the heart of life. Why do human beings move closer to anyone knowing that there is an inevitable loss. Because what we gain in moving closer is more than worth the price we will pay in grief. And that when we learn to carry each other in our hearts, the connection transcends even death and allows us to transcend our pain.
Of course it looks terrifying to you right now, you're not ready to go. You're making such great strides in opening up and moving closer to your T. This fear is your amgydala's way of trying to keep you from going further into dangerous territory. It's a worry for another day, you have enough for the here and now.
I'm going through the process (very very slowly mind you) with my present T and I am only moving away as fast as is comfortable, giving myself time to look at everything getting kicked up by moving away. There was a time where I believed that I would have died if I had tried to do this, but here I am. When it's time, you'll know and you'll have the strength.
Although I must admit that since I'm the one doing the leaving this time, I am deriving a great deal of comfort from the fact that my T has made it abundantly clear that his door is always open and I can call anytime even if I'm not seeing him regularly. And your T is not going to just boot you out one day nor is there any reason you ever have to leave. So as difficult as it is to actually do, you can try not to worry about it right now. (And yes, I know that's the epitome of easier said than done.
)AG
quote:We were able to reflect back on our relationship, how far we had come, and we laughed and cried and laughed again. She was able to hear my anger and sadness and fear about her going away (as much as I was willing to express) and I will never forget our last appt. We both had gifts for each other, and I was taking a large pillow from her office that I always used to hug during sessions and asked if I could take it with me. At the end of the session, we both got up and went to hug each other at the same time. It was long, intense hug but the best thing was that we said almost exactly at the same time "I love you." I really, really already knew that she felt that way, and she knew I felt that way but we had never said it. I was so grateful we said it at the same time because it didn't feel like anyone "had" to say it in response, you know? It was a very precious gift that I still carry with me.
Thank you for sharing your story AG. This brought tears to my eyes. I could just feel the intensity on both sides with the way you wrote this. What a beautiful and heartfelt ending.
I will choose to remain in total denial at this point that I will ever have to say goodbye to my T. Nope, not gonna happen. Harumph (she says with arms crossed!).
Hi all, I have been reading this post and i have been through an emotional rollercoaster reading the things you have said, i thought it was very touching, and i wish i had the same kind of ending as some of you. For me such a beautiful thing was ruined by words and i believe a rejection of my feelings. I feel pleased for all of you that you have such positive endings.
Eve
Eve
Ending a relationship with my T??? He mentioned traveling around the world for a year this fall, which I might interpret as retirement but I haven't had the nerve to ask as he hasn't mentioned it since. How many T/patient relationships are open ended? Does anyone's therapist provide a treatment plan with some goals to be obtained within a time frame? Mine doesn't, he gives me session notes from time to time which indicate how I am functioning. But, should there be talk of an ending? Some mutual understanding of these expectations? I have no clue how long I plan to be in therapy.
I continue to feel like he would like to get rid of me as I feel like I am not progressing much,
yet whenever I apologise for being needy or bugging him, or being a pain in the butt,
he just laughs it off and says I'm not. I know I am paying him, but honestly, T must have patients they wish had never set foot in their door. They can only have so much room in their hearts to deal with all their problems. I'm not thinking about this intellectually obviously. This is their profession, not their hobby.
I continue to feel like he would like to get rid of me as I feel like I am not progressing much,
yet whenever I apologise for being needy or bugging him, or being a pain in the butt,
he just laughs it off and says I'm not. I know I am paying him, but honestly, T must have patients they wish had never set foot in their door. They can only have so much room in their hearts to deal with all their problems. I'm not thinking about this intellectually obviously. This is their profession, not their hobby.
Monte you must have edited your post because I had this reply all ready and went to post it and thought HUH? have I been having imaginary conversations in my head or what!
Anyway won't post what I was going to, will just leave the hug instead
(((( Monte ))))
LL
Anyway won't post what I was going to, will just leave the hug instead
(((( Monte ))))
LL
Monte thanks for reposting that - I don't think it's whiney or pathetic at all, I'm reading a lot of pain and fear and frustration in it. It's almost like you've been given a beautiful gift and suddenly had the giver say, oh no sorry kid that's just on loan I want it back sometime. Which rather makes the gift itself a bit meaningless.
The actual reply I wrote went something like this:
I was wondering what it was that's making you think that your T is going to ‘terminate’ you before you are ready to leave? My impression of ending therapy is that it finishes only when the client feels it’s time to go, no matter how long that takes. Maybe right now you can’t even begin to imagine that you would ever want to leave, but there’s no law says you have to! I've been quite amazed at the length of time some people have been in therapy (you and Draggers 15 years, AG 20) and it seems to me the T in that case really has become an integral part of a person's real life, I don't see at all why it's not possible that the T stay an important and present figure in your life for as long as you want him in it.
Has your T said something about finishing, or made references to life after therapy or something like that? Just wondering, as something must be stirring you up like this - is it that you’ve now had such a wonderful connection with him and starting to get what you’ve been needing from him and that’s bringing up all sorts of fears?
Sorry for the questions, just trying to guess what might be going on for you.
(((( Monte ))))
LL
The actual reply I wrote went something like this:
I was wondering what it was that's making you think that your T is going to ‘terminate’ you before you are ready to leave? My impression of ending therapy is that it finishes only when the client feels it’s time to go, no matter how long that takes. Maybe right now you can’t even begin to imagine that you would ever want to leave, but there’s no law says you have to! I've been quite amazed at the length of time some people have been in therapy (you and Draggers 15 years, AG 20) and it seems to me the T in that case really has become an integral part of a person's real life, I don't see at all why it's not possible that the T stay an important and present figure in your life for as long as you want him in it.
Has your T said something about finishing, or made references to life after therapy or something like that? Just wondering, as something must be stirring you up like this - is it that you’ve now had such a wonderful connection with him and starting to get what you’ve been needing from him and that’s bringing up all sorts of fears?
Sorry for the questions, just trying to guess what might be going on for you.
(((( Monte ))))
LL
quote:Originally posted by monte:
I think these feelings have suddenly reared up with the sudden growth in my sense of connection and attachment to him. He is coaxing my 'little thing' out of its hole and this is the result...
Knew it would only lead to grief. Grrr
Monte
If you hadn't pointed this out, I was going to. I think this has everything to do with the recent developments in your relationship with him and the new closeness and inner work taking place. It is clear to me that it is a defense. You have allowed your inner most self to be seen and that feels so vulnerable. You've opened it all up and what I hear you saying is "wait a minute....I've opened this all up and what if it is all going to come back on me in the end". In other words, if you take this huge risk and really and truly open up all of these wounds and then he somehow abandons you then you are going to feel ten times worse than if you never risked it in the first place. My guess is that in the past being vulnerable meant being hurt and possibly abandoned (at least emotionally) and your new vulnerability with your T is bringing those defenses back up. I know you said it leads only to grief, but I believe that much of the healing lies in confronting the grief.
I am experiencing a bit of the same thing right now myself having recently gone much deeper with my T. It is a slippery slope and quite the paradox. I want the caring and the healing, but I'm scared to death of it at the same time. Sigh.
((((Monte))))
That is a tough memory. I'm so sorry that he did that to you. I had a similar experience with a female high teacher. She was there for me all through HS and was really great. I could call her on the phone, talk to her during or after school, I journaled for her (started w/ a class project, but she had me continue) and she would take me out to lunch to make sure I ate (eating disorder). Anyway, I talked to her a few times after I left for college and then one day I was back home and ran into her at the mall and she had NO idea who I was. I even told her my name and explained to her all we had done together and she was totally blank. It really hurt that she could just forget me like that. Anyway, my point is that I can relate.
Things like that make it so hard to open up and trust now. I know that your T will help you get there. He sounds like a keeper!
That is a tough memory. I'm so sorry that he did that to you. I had a similar experience with a female high teacher. She was there for me all through HS and was really great. I could call her on the phone, talk to her during or after school, I journaled for her (started w/ a class project, but she had me continue) and she would take me out to lunch to make sure I ate (eating disorder). Anyway, I talked to her a few times after I left for college and then one day I was back home and ran into her at the mall and she had NO idea who I was. I even told her my name and explained to her all we had done together and she was totally blank. It really hurt that she could just forget me like that. Anyway, my point is that I can relate.
Things like that make it so hard to open up and trust now. I know that your T will help you get there. He sounds like a keeper!
Hi DF,
Dont be sorry about the thread it was lovely to hear what you all were saying, i just wished i had that back again. Sometimes i hate memories. I would love to tell you a little bit about my story, it might be a longish post though.
I have actually had to say goodbye to my ex T twice, once when i was younger and in the recent past (5yrs ago) there is a 20 year gap in between the two. Anyway i contacted my ex T, i had found out where she lived and had her phone number for quite a long time but did not contact her at all previously. i might add that what i am saying now i did not know 5 years ago i have figured things out in that time. But i contacted her because i was okay one day but went to sleep and woke up not myself at all, i did not know what had happened to me. Now my self diagnosis says it was PTSD. I could not focus or concentrate on anything and my life up to that point was spinning around in my head and i could not stop it, every bad thing, every memory, every feeling, every possible emotion and to top that off i was physically sick too because of the surgeries. I tried to talk to my family and friends but they did not want to know. I went on like that for two years, and then i decided to contact Joan (My Ex T). It had been twenty years since she had heard from me and was shocked but in a letter suggested that we could meet in the park for a chat,and there would be no charge of course. Because of my heightened feelings and anxiety, seeing her was like nothing else, i had come home, i had my guardian angel back, my comfort blanket, and i knew that she could not make things right, but i felt so safe. I had missed the sound of her voice, her smell, her smile, the way she says things. We met up a total of twelve times in the course of a year and the first few times were brilliant, then things started to change. I had been writing to her in between letting her know how i felt and feel about her and about things that had happened in my life since i last saw her, that was easier for me than actually speaking the words to her face. Then her whole demeanor changed, she was making excuses to not meet up, e.g Windy,Rainy,Cold and when we did meet up she was hurtful with her words. She told me that i did not love her because i do not know her, that i should stop being needy and clingy, she did not think that i needed Counselling because i knew what that was about (which i didn't) She told me that she had not read any of my letters and to not write to her anymore,she would tell me about what she had been doing on a particular day or at the weekend and then when i would ask her how it went of if she had a good time she would tell me that it was none of my concern. On the last visit with her she told me that she was not interested in my life, i lost about a minute or so of time because that floored me, she was talking but i didn't hear her. She told me that she can not be a part of my life, that we cannot and never will be friends. Then she played the age card, she is an old lady and is retired now, if i had of contacted her when she was working she could have helped me, and that i must remember that she is doing this with me voluntarily. As she walked away from me she looked back and told me that she did care, i watched her walk away then i crumbled inside, i could not think straight, my counselling had not even started and i had no where to go. A couple of weeks went by and i saw a lovely photo frame with some beautiful words in, so i sent it to her with a Thank You card for being there for me and that i really appreciated it. A few days later she called me, she thanked me for the gift, then said that i cannot bribe her with gifts to get her into my life. She lives about 1/2 a mile away from me so i see her often, but i asked her if she could possibly alter her journey because it upsets me to see her drive by, she told me no, if i dont like it i should move. She then wished me a good life and hoped i could be happy.
i have not contacted her at all since then, i still see her drive by now and then, she does not acknowledge me at all.
I think she had no idea how i felt about her, even though she should have done. She became defensive and although she said she did not she has rejected me and not validated my feelings at all. They say you cannot have Love without Hate, well i hate her so much.
Phew what a lot of my chest. Hope i have not put you to sleep. Thanx for reading.
Eve
Dont be sorry about the thread it was lovely to hear what you all were saying, i just wished i had that back again. Sometimes i hate memories. I would love to tell you a little bit about my story, it might be a longish post though.
I have actually had to say goodbye to my ex T twice, once when i was younger and in the recent past (5yrs ago) there is a 20 year gap in between the two. Anyway i contacted my ex T, i had found out where she lived and had her phone number for quite a long time but did not contact her at all previously. i might add that what i am saying now i did not know 5 years ago i have figured things out in that time. But i contacted her because i was okay one day but went to sleep and woke up not myself at all, i did not know what had happened to me. Now my self diagnosis says it was PTSD. I could not focus or concentrate on anything and my life up to that point was spinning around in my head and i could not stop it, every bad thing, every memory, every feeling, every possible emotion and to top that off i was physically sick too because of the surgeries. I tried to talk to my family and friends but they did not want to know. I went on like that for two years, and then i decided to contact Joan (My Ex T). It had been twenty years since she had heard from me and was shocked but in a letter suggested that we could meet in the park for a chat,and there would be no charge of course. Because of my heightened feelings and anxiety, seeing her was like nothing else, i had come home, i had my guardian angel back, my comfort blanket, and i knew that she could not make things right, but i felt so safe. I had missed the sound of her voice, her smell, her smile, the way she says things. We met up a total of twelve times in the course of a year and the first few times were brilliant, then things started to change. I had been writing to her in between letting her know how i felt and feel about her and about things that had happened in my life since i last saw her, that was easier for me than actually speaking the words to her face. Then her whole demeanor changed, she was making excuses to not meet up, e.g Windy,Rainy,Cold and when we did meet up she was hurtful with her words. She told me that i did not love her because i do not know her, that i should stop being needy and clingy, she did not think that i needed Counselling because i knew what that was about (which i didn't) She told me that she had not read any of my letters and to not write to her anymore,she would tell me about what she had been doing on a particular day or at the weekend and then when i would ask her how it went of if she had a good time she would tell me that it was none of my concern. On the last visit with her she told me that she was not interested in my life, i lost about a minute or so of time because that floored me, she was talking but i didn't hear her. She told me that she can not be a part of my life, that we cannot and never will be friends. Then she played the age card, she is an old lady and is retired now, if i had of contacted her when she was working she could have helped me, and that i must remember that she is doing this with me voluntarily. As she walked away from me she looked back and told me that she did care, i watched her walk away then i crumbled inside, i could not think straight, my counselling had not even started and i had no where to go. A couple of weeks went by and i saw a lovely photo frame with some beautiful words in, so i sent it to her with a Thank You card for being there for me and that i really appreciated it. A few days later she called me, she thanked me for the gift, then said that i cannot bribe her with gifts to get her into my life. She lives about 1/2 a mile away from me so i see her often, but i asked her if she could possibly alter her journey because it upsets me to see her drive by, she told me no, if i dont like it i should move. She then wished me a good life and hoped i could be happy.
i have not contacted her at all since then, i still see her drive by now and then, she does not acknowledge me at all.
I think she had no idea how i felt about her, even though she should have done. She became defensive and although she said she did not she has rejected me and not validated my feelings at all. They say you cannot have Love without Hate, well i hate her so much.
Phew what a lot of my chest. Hope i have not put you to sleep. Thanx for reading.
Eve
Lizzygirl - I just saw your post tucked up in there and I'm so sorry to hear your T has just dropped in the possibility of his leaving like this!! That sounds really frightening, especially given how much he means to you in your life and relationship situation. It must be extra worrying not to have any clarity over this. Can you take it to him and ask him about what his plans are and what this means for your therapy? I know my T who left gave me three months notice, even though we didn't have nay treatment plan or anything. I DO think that really talking through the situation with him is essential and I'm surprised he dropped that on you without any proper follow up. It seems like beating yourself up feelings (the "pain in the butt" stuff) are really strong for you right now and that's not surprising - I had a lot of self-hatred going on as soon as my T said she was leaving - but it is NOT your fault, and you do NOT deserve this. In fact you deserve really good proper care to help you get through the impending separation and the uncertainty about it. I really hope you can ask him about this and let him know about how you're feeling about it. And I hope that you keep posting about it here - I think this message got missed accidentally by a few people as sometimes happens by chance, but your feelings are important.
Eve, thank you for telling us your story. I'm so sorry you went through this with Joan, it sounds terribly painful. I felt angry and shocked reading about the way she treated you. It seems to me that if she couldn't provide any volunteer care for you, she should have simply made that very clear as soon as she knew that, and made it clear that this was about her and not about you, and helped you to get in touch with someone who actually could provide the kind of care you were in need of. It's terrible that she hurt you so much instead, and took away that sense of a protecting guardian angel that you so badly needed. To be honest, it sounds like she was at this stage a bit unstable herself and I wonder if age-related problems affected her moods and behaviours at all.
Have you thought about seeing another therapist? If I were in this situation i think I would really want the opportunity to heal some of that terrible hurt.
Take care,
Jones
Eve, thank you for telling us your story. I'm so sorry you went through this with Joan, it sounds terribly painful. I felt angry and shocked reading about the way she treated you. It seems to me that if she couldn't provide any volunteer care for you, she should have simply made that very clear as soon as she knew that, and made it clear that this was about her and not about you, and helped you to get in touch with someone who actually could provide the kind of care you were in need of. It's terrible that she hurt you so much instead, and took away that sense of a protecting guardian angel that you so badly needed. To be honest, it sounds like she was at this stage a bit unstable herself and I wonder if age-related problems affected her moods and behaviours at all.
Have you thought about seeing another therapist? If I were in this situation i think I would really want the opportunity to heal some of that terrible hurt.
Take care,
Jones
Lizzygirl: My apologies as well, I missed your post tucked up there when I went through the first time. The possibility of your T leaving and just dropping that on you would be quite upsetting. I hope that you can get some clarification around that soon.
Eve: I'm so sorry that happened with your ex-T. Your story was heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing it here. I have so many more feelings about your story, but I'm just speechless.
Eve: I'm so sorry that happened with your ex-T. Your story was heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing it here. I have so many more feelings about your story, but I'm just speechless.
AG,
This is a tough thread...so so hard to think of leaving our T's (as you well know!)...so thank you for generously sharing with us the experience of leaving your first T, as I'm sure talking about this must trigger your grief again. I can't even imagine leaving someone who had been that influential in my life, AG, or who has been with me that long. But your experience also gives the hope that it can be done. And when done at the right time and with love (extremely important!!), with the very painful and hugely REAL loss, also comes a priceless gift of each person having transformed the other at their core (and yes I'm including your T in that...I'm sure you transformed her too, dear AG). You described it so beautifully...I especially liked these paragraphs so I'm just going to quote you (it was all good but I added bold to the parts that really "got me" )
Thank you, {{{{{{AG}}}}}}
SG
This is a tough thread...so so hard to think of leaving our T's (as you well know!)...so thank you for generously sharing with us the experience of leaving your first T, as I'm sure talking about this must trigger your grief again.
I can't even imagine leaving someone who had been that influential in my life, AG, or who has been with me that long. But your experience also gives the hope that it can be done. And when done at the right time and with love (extremely important!!), with the very painful and hugely REAL loss, also comes a priceless gift of each person having transformed the other at their core (and yes I'm including your T in that...I'm sure you transformed her too, dear AG). You described it so beautifully...I especially liked these paragraphs so I'm just going to quote you (it was all good but I added bold to the parts that really "got me" ) quote:I don't want to act like it was easy, I did mourn for awhile (we've had no contact since, I never thought to ask honestly, because I just assumed it wasn't allowed). But like all grief, it healed and now I have her back. She is a wonderful memory and I carry her with me at all times. She is an integral part of me, woven into the fabric of my being, I couldn't lose her if I wanted to. So I didn't lose the work I did with her, and in some ways, I didn't lose her. I can still hear her sometimes or know what she would say.
The truth is, that loss is at the heart of every relationship. Death is an unavoidable part of every life and every relationship we have eventually will end. Ending a significant relationship with a therapist is a unique opportunity to do so in a way which allows you to look at the goodbye and express your feelings and be heard in a way you rarely get.
So why do we move closer to a therapist knowing, KNOWING, that one day it will end? This isn't the question at the heart of therapy, it's the question at the heart of life. Why do human beings move closer to anyone knowing that there is an inevitable loss. Because what we gain in moving closer is more than worth the price we will pay in grief. And that when we learn to carry each other in our hearts, the connection transcends even death and allows us to transcend our pain.
Thank you, {{{{{{AG}}}}}}
SG
{{{{{Lizzygirl}}}}}
What a strange (and rather careless IMO) remark to just drop into the conversation with you (taking a year trip this fall), without any explanation. I am so sorry, this has got to be torture, not knowing what this means for your therapy. In fact it sounds like there is a lot more you need to know in the way of details. If you are already afraid of being "too much" then I know it would be scary to ask, but...I hope you can find a way to ask him your questions at your next session, so at least you can know what to expect. Hang in there LG, and let us know how it's going for you.
Hugs,
SG
What a strange (and rather careless IMO) remark to just drop into the conversation with you (taking a year trip this fall), without any explanation. I am so sorry, this has got to be torture, not knowing what this means for your therapy. In fact it sounds like there is a lot more you need to know in the way of details. If you are already afraid of being "too much" then I know it would be scary to ask, but...I hope you can find a way to ask him your questions at your next session, so at least you can know what to expect. Hang in there LG, and let us know how it's going for you.
Hugs,
SG
{{{{{{Eve}}}}}}
Having PTSD symptoms just suddenly appear like that must have been terrifying for you. And you went on like this for two years, and with no support from family and friends? No wonder you reached out to someone who had helped you before (I'm assuming...was she helpful the first time?).
It hurt SO MUCH to read what this woman did to you. To put your trust in her again, reveal your feelings, and have her turn away from you, and even turn ON you...well I wish I could say I can't imagine what that would feel like, but unfortunately I do. It is pretty horrible stuff and it doesn't really seem to go away, does it? I am totally not surprised that you are still hurting over this.
Your T's behavior was just appalling, IMO. The negligence, for one thing. If helping you with your PTSD symptoms was out of her realm, then the least she could have done was get you a decent referral. How could she fail to try to help you, when you'd been suffering for two years? And then sought her out as someone who had helped you in the past?
And some of it sounds blatantly cruel IMO. The double messages with opening a personal topic, then slamming the door on you when you asked a follow-up question to the topic THEY OPENED...my ex-T liked to do that too. Bait and switch. What is up with that??? And the crack about the bribe was just plain inexcusable.
I'm sorry that your pain and your feelings have been so badly mishandled, Eve. I hope you can believe the truth that she has the problem, not you. Do you still suffer from the PTSD symptoms? Were you able to find someone who can help? Is your family & friends giving you more support? I hope you can keep posting here for the support we can give...and I hope things get better for you real soon.
Hugs,
SG
Having PTSD symptoms just suddenly appear like that must have been terrifying for you. And you went on like this for two years, and with no support from family and friends? No wonder you reached out to someone who had helped you before (I'm assuming...was she helpful the first time?).
It hurt SO MUCH to read what this woman did to you. To put your trust in her again, reveal your feelings, and have her turn away from you, and even turn ON you...well I wish I could say I can't imagine what that would feel like, but unfortunately I do.
It is pretty horrible stuff and it doesn't really seem to go away, does it? I am totally not surprised that you are still hurting over this. Your T's behavior was just appalling, IMO. The negligence, for one thing. If helping you with your PTSD symptoms was out of her realm, then the least she could have done was get you a decent referral. How could she fail to try to help you, when you'd been suffering for two years? And then sought her out as someone who had helped you in the past?
And some of it sounds blatantly cruel IMO. The double messages with opening a personal topic, then slamming the door on you when you asked a follow-up question to the topic THEY OPENED...my ex-T liked to do that too. Bait and switch. What is up with that??? And the crack about the bribe was just plain inexcusable.
I'm sorry that your pain and your feelings have been so badly mishandled, Eve. I hope you can believe the truth that she has the problem, not you. Do you still suffer from the PTSD symptoms? Were you able to find someone who can help? Is your family & friends giving you more support? I hope you can keep posting here for the support we can give...and I hope things get better for you real soon.
Hugs,
SG
((((SG))))) Thank you so much for all your understanding and support. It means more than I can say that you can take hope from my experience as that's why I shared it.
((((Lizzygirl and Eve)))), I just want to ride on SG's coattails. She said exactly what I wanted to say (better than I could have said it.)
AG
((((Lizzygirl and Eve)))), I just want to ride on SG's coattails. She said exactly what I wanted to say (better than I could have said it.)
AG
Hi all,
Thanx for your comments, it is a big validation for me that you all say the same kind of things as i really feel, because sometimes i wonder if it is just me and just in my head. Just to clarify things, the last time i saw Joan was 5 years ago, i have been in therapy for 4 years now, when i contacted Joan i had already arranged to get some Counselling.
The first few times we met up she was responsive and friendly, she would put her arm on my shoulder or take my hand for a few seconds, and she even gave me a proper hug. I believe it was when she read my letters that she realised the enormity of things and maybe started to back away. I think she had the belief that i was coming back to her to try and get her back in my life but i was not, i must admit though that being around her again stirred all my feelings for her up again. It is nice to see her drive by sometimes and yet sad at others, but at least i know she is okay.
SG: I did not realise i had PTSD until after Joan had already gone, and she probably would not have known that either. I can't believe i still defend her!!!! My friends and family practically backed away from me not knowing what was going on, it took me a few years to work out i had PTSD with the help of my T of course. I find it hard to understand that she has the problem and not me being that she was a counsellor/pscychotherapist for 50 Years, but i am getting that slowly. My family do not know everything but i have mentioned about PTSD and tried to explain that to them.
I do feel as though my head is a lot clearer now and i am able to cope a lot better now. I am still in therapy and i am still working on issus as we all are, i am also glad that i found this wesite because it is helping me to heal and that i am not the only one.
Thanx to you all for your support
Eve xx
Thanx for your comments, it is a big validation for me that you all say the same kind of things as i really feel, because sometimes i wonder if it is just me and just in my head. Just to clarify things, the last time i saw Joan was 5 years ago, i have been in therapy for 4 years now, when i contacted Joan i had already arranged to get some Counselling.
The first few times we met up she was responsive and friendly, she would put her arm on my shoulder or take my hand for a few seconds, and she even gave me a proper hug. I believe it was when she read my letters that she realised the enormity of things and maybe started to back away. I think she had the belief that i was coming back to her to try and get her back in my life but i was not, i must admit though that being around her again stirred all my feelings for her up again. It is nice to see her drive by sometimes and yet sad at others, but at least i know she is okay.
SG: I did not realise i had PTSD until after Joan had already gone, and she probably would not have known that either. I can't believe i still defend her!!!! My friends and family practically backed away from me not knowing what was going on, it took me a few years to work out i had PTSD with the help of my T of course. I find it hard to understand that she has the problem and not me being that she was a counsellor/pscychotherapist for 50 Years, but i am getting that slowly. My family do not know everything but i have mentioned about PTSD and tried to explain that to them.
I do feel as though my head is a lot clearer now and i am able to cope a lot better now. I am still in therapy and i am still working on issus as we all are, i am also glad that i found this wesite because it is helping me to heal and that i am not the only one.
Thanx to you all for your support
Eve xx
Eve, I can't imagine how hard for you this whole scenario must have been. I know what a knife in the heart it is every time my T makes some little accidental comment- I can't imagine how bad it must have felt to be treated that way. My heart goes out to you. It is good you have your T, and now it makes sense why you would have a hard time with being connected. I hope the two of you can get that all sorted.
Lizzygirl, so sorry to hear about the possibibility of your T going away. How awful. I hope you can talk it all over with him and get it sorted. No, i don't think he would think you are a pain or want to be rid of you. I always think that too, but I know it's not really true for either of us. But let us know what happens, ok?
Monte- oh, ugh, I think you and I are in the same boat, here. I too have been feeling more connected to my T, and am seriously tempted to question yet again the validity of the relationship...only for me right now it is because I pay him. That's my biggie. I can't think of leaving, it is just unthinkable.
I wanted to say sorry I didn't respond to your other thread, which was so amazing, but it keeps triggering me bad for some reason, so I had to stay away from it, I'm really sorry about that!
I hope to read it in depth when I shake this mood I'm in off a little more...
BB
Lizzygirl, so sorry to hear about the possibibility of your T going away. How awful. I hope you can talk it all over with him and get it sorted. No, i don't think he would think you are a pain or want to be rid of you. I always think that too, but I know it's not really true for either of us. But let us know what happens, ok?
Monte- oh, ugh, I think you and I are in the same boat, here. I too have been feeling more connected to my T, and am seriously tempted to question yet again the validity of the relationship...only for me right now it is because I pay him. That's my biggie. I can't think of leaving, it is just unthinkable.
I wanted to say sorry I didn't respond to your other thread, which was so amazing, but it keeps triggering me bad for some reason, so I had to stay away from it, I'm really sorry about that!
I hope to read it in depth when I shake this mood I'm in off a little more...BB
Draggers...I just wanted to say, ooooh, please don't torture yourslef with thinking about leaving your T right now, either...like it was said, it is another worry for another day...a looong way off, so why be scared about it now...when you are ready, well, you won't be scared, horrified, or miserable in the way it might seem like you would now, when you are not ready for such a step, true?
((((Draggers))))
((((Draggers))))