quote:

Originally posted by ultraviolet:

I asked him right before I left so hadn't given it much thought at the time. Now wondering, why wouldn't he just tell me yes or no? I guess that means it's ok? The funny thing is-I haven't really had an urge to text him. Maybe there is some fear there, not sure.

Hi Ultraviolet!

I assuming you already have his cell number and the ability to text him, just need the ok from him?

I'm wondering if he doesn't want to give an answer because he knows he won't respond to your text? So he might feel that would be more damaging for him to tell you it's ok to text without having the intention of replying. And then there's the possibly you may text something in an emergency where he would want you to call?

Sometimes I write things to my T in-between session when I feel the need to talk. Most times, by the time I see her, I read it again and decide not to give it to her. With a text you wouldn't be able to take it back in that sense.

Has he said whether he thinks the texting will increase your attachment to him? Or maybe he's worried about his texting plan. I think he can't answer yes or no because he might feel like either answer has equally hurtful potential?

This of course is all total speculation on my part. I once asked my T if she accepted text and she told me she doesn't have a texting plan and her phone is an older model so it's difficult for her to do. And that was the end of it.

Sometimes the things we're told we can't have are the things we want the most. darn boundaries!

I guess I'm not offering the world's greatest advice here, am I. I just wanted to reach out and think about his reasons why not with you.

Is there a compromise maybe? 2 texts a month or something?

((((ultraviolet))))

I'm guessing that he is probably concerned about repeated texting and feeling obligated to respond. Perhaps if he does respond each time then that takes time that he might not be willing to give and if he doesn't respond he might fear you would be rejected.

My T sent me a text one time and I texted her back, but I have never sent her a text otherwise. I'm guessing my T's perspective would be that it isn't a secure communication. In other words, if I call her cell and leave a voice mail then she needs a password to retrieve the message. A text could potentially be read by someone else. The time that T sent me the text she said started it by saying that she doesn't normally text clients, but she didn't want to call because she didn't want to worsen my headache (talking to her could activate other parts and increase the headache). Anyway, I know that she doesn't like to use texting as a method of communication so I have not done it.

I think if he hasn't explicitly answered you yes that the answer is no.

Way to go UV! Good on you for texting him - not so good that you’re now sitting on tenterhooks wondering if he might not just respond after all . But way to go because you’re going ahead (bravely!) and doing the very things that are stirring up important feelings rather than stuffing your own needs and wants. *thumbs up*

LL

I have my P's cell phone number and have had it for 10 years but never even thought about texting until 2 years ago when I got a text from him. I had tried to call him and couldnt get a hold of him and he texted me instead of calling back saying that he was out of town because of a family emergency. I texted him back and we went back and forth a few times. At that time I did not have a texting plan on my phone so I called and added one to cover the charges. But at that time was when I realized texting was a great new way to stay in contact with him. I am a lot braver about writing stuff then actually saying it out loud so I figured that it would be easier.

This has led to all kinds of problems. I thought I would just do it every once in awhile and it would be no big deal but it very quickly became a daily thing. I honestly did not think I would get like that. It caused a lot of problems between us because sometimes he would answer and sometimes he wouldnt but he would have to try to figure out on his own what were important texts to respond to and what ones should he leave alone because responding who be enabling me to act out on the transference. Its a lot harder to tell what is a real crisis when you are not face to face or at least hearing the persons voice.

I have worked really hard to stop texting as much and I am getting better but when the transference in really strong it is hard not to do it and I sometimes screw up. I have asked him to let me contact him at least once between sessions because my sessions are a month apart but so far he has not been willing to do it.

He does tell me I can call if there is an emergency but I know he would prefer me to call instead of text or email. But he wont tell me I can not text because doing that would make it where if there was a situation where I was in a really bad place and just couldnt call then I would not contact him at all when I needed to. But at the same time he will not say that I can text because that will encourage me to text and enable me to act out on the transference. And I am the type of person that if he said that I could text in an emergency only then I would have an emergency every day just to be able to talk to him.

I do often wish that he would have never texted me in the first place because that is something that the whole 10 years I never even thought about doing until i got the text from him and now its almost like an addiction. And I know the excitement and then disappointment when you text tone goes off on your phone and you grab it excitedly hoping it is him just to find out that its not. And there have been times that I have been really hurt by the fact that I texted him something really important and he did not respond so it made me feel like the way I was feeling didnt matter and that he did not care.

The other issue with texting is that you could send him a text and him not get it for a few hours and in an emergency that is not good. And there have been times that the phone have messed up and I have texted him and thought he did not text back and it was a time I was in a extremely bad place. I texted him the next day over the same thing and this time added in that he probably didnt care since he never responded the day before. Still I never heard anything back. I was so mad at him! And then three days later and I got about 15 texts at one time. 3 were from him. He has responded every time I texted trying to be nice and understanding and encouraging even after I had accused him of not responding the first time. But by then I had already been pissed off and went and got drunk because he just didnt care enough about me to respond when I was having such a hard time. And that was all over a simple problem with phone services.

So even though I like the thought of being able to contact my P through text and know I can do it when I need to whether he tells me I can or not, it really has caused more problems being able to than it did before I knew I could do it.

I was just thinking maybe if he is older it might be a generation gap- maybe he just doesn’t get the point of texting or thinks it’s too impersonal or something. It seems like younger people just “get” the point of texting and the convenience of it, while older people are slower to warm up to it. I don’t know, I could be totally off. You could try pointing out different reasons why you might want to text him. Like for example if I want to call my T during the day I’ll text him first and ask him to call me when he gets a minute, and then he’ll send me a text back saying he will be able to call at whatever time. I actually texted him today just to clarify something that I said in our appointment. I didn’t need to call him since it was just a quick question, and we only sent a couple texts back and forth.

Just my opinion- I wouldn’t say that texting to just say hi is a good idea at all. I think texting is only helpful if there is a specific question or to figure out scheduling or something like that. Maybe mentioning to him that you aren’t going to be constantly just saying, “Hey, whats up” would make him feel better?

Mac

My T used to let me email him regularly...there is some kind of problem with this kind of communication that he always had a problem with. I think he is really wise, and I try to trust him on this. he always says that I should save my concerns to deal with in session. It hurts, because I think I am just "too much" for him to have to deal with outside of his "paid" time. That being said, he charges me for emails now, and still says the same exact thing...so he must really mean, it is not a helpful form of communication between T and client. take this for what it's worth. I know I tended to use it as an avoidance measure, to avoid talking about things that were uncomfortable, and maybe your experience of it is diffent than that. Best of luck with it, either way!

BB

aw, UV, I'm sorry, I didn't say by way of discouraging you...I really liked your T's response. I was just trying to be honest about my own experience of it. I guess I was wondering about it, musing about it is all. Emailing got kind of addictive for me. I never knew...still don't...if it was great or not. I understand that text is a lot shorter. I get confused about this kind of stuff, I was just piping in, that's all. I am sorry if I came off as discouraging.

BB

Sorry if I'm butting in, but this is bringing stuff up for me. I have to agree with BB that written communication can be tricky for so many reasons. I used to email T when I was struggling, but didn't know what would help me feel better and so didn't know what I needed to ask from her. Because of that, more often than not I ended up more anxious than if I had just dealt on my own because I didn't get the response I was hoping for.

Now I only email to ask her to call me or to communicate schedule changes. Makes me a little jealous that so many people seem to have figured it out and communicate just fine that way. It just doesn't work for me.

I think it's great that your T said he liked your text. If it works for you and you are happy just knowing you can text him without expectations from him for a response, enjoy it.

I was just giving you my experience with it and didnt mean to be discouraging about it. The truth is that if my P responded the way yours did about it then I would not have a problem doing it. I do say things in texts that I would be scared to say in session but if it was something I could say in text and then we talk about it in the next session I think that would be an awesome way to get things out. I often write emails too and say things that I wouldnt normally say in session but my P does not bring then up in the session and I am always to scared to, but I think it would be helpful to get things out. And the most important thing is that if you and your T thinks that it is helpful and can be a positive way for yall to connect than thats between yall. I know mine was more negative but my P does not believe its a good way for us to connect between sessions because of my transference but if he said I could do it I would be doing it.

I actually think I would do it less if there was a rule that I could contact him through text or email once a week or once between sessions just to help me get through it. I was actually thinking about discussing this with my P next session because it is so hard to go from being able to text or call or email to not doing it at all...not that he ever wanted me calling and texting all the time but I did it anyways cause I didnt care and wanted any kind of attention I could get from him even if it was negative. But I too need that kind of connection between sessions, it would be very helpful!

UV,

I'm glad that your T was positive about the text that you sent and that he seems ok with you repeating it. It sounds like it is something that could help you get through the week and that is good.

My T does not do email because she says it is not a secure form of communication. I do fax her letters though and she is great about reading them. At first it was a large amount and I did use it to avoid talking about hard stuff in session, but as time has gone on they have been shorter, more to the point and less frequent.