Ohhhh, Monte. I have no idea if I am one of the people you felt a connection with or not. I have no idea if I did or said anything to hurt you or drive you away. I know there isn't anything I could say to make it better. I am just writing honestly and from my heart here...that your posts have always been so great to see, reading your experiences has been wonderful and inspiring for me. I'm feeling bad because I admitted to you that I was quite triggered by your recent experiences, and was unable to respond, and for that I am really sorry. In the end, it is true that we all have to do what is right for us and what puts us in a good place or at the very least, a better place...and I hope that is what you are doing right now. I am one who has always found relationships of any sort, very painful, and I have found the support here very helpful. That being said, there are times when it has become too hurtful, too challenging, too scary and all the rest of it. Right now, lately, has been one of those times for me, as well. And it seems a lot of us are feeling that way or feeling the need to take a break for whatever reasons. Like you there is nobody that I feel any animosity towards or anything like it, it is just the way it is, right now for whatever reason. And that's ok Monte. I hope that in spite of "burning your brindges" you will feel ok to pop in from time to time and post and say hello. I know for me, I will greatly miss seeing your posts, sincerely hope you will reconsider, though I have not been able to spend much time on the forum myself lately.

I hope that I have not said anything to you that may have hurt you. If I have, I ask for your tolerance and understanding and if possible, forgiveness. Hugs to you, Monte, pecae, prayers for your journey. I hope the good track you are on with your T will continue.

All the best,

BB

Monte...I just wanted to add one more thing. (Or two.) I can't stop thinking about why you might be running away from us again. It's really troubling me. I don't say that to induce any guilt or try to get you to do anything you are not comfortable with...honestly. I totally respect and honour your decision to delete and leave. And it may very well be coming from a good, balanced, and self-care type of place. All good things.
But...I do not feel that "your face doesn't fit." Quite the contrary...your face is very dear, and it fits quite nicely. You are a sweetie, maybe it sounds trite, maybe like I don't mean it, whatever...but it is the truth...that on this forum, your "forum personality" is lovely, thoughtful and caring, insightful, and I for one will feel quite lonely here without you. Again, I do not say to induce any kind of guilt or try to get you to change your mind, Monte, no...but I will just, simply, realllllly miss you. and you may think this is silly, but at times when you have not posted for periods of time, I really missed you. So, I say all this to help you see, that you DO make a difference where you show up, and that you are cared about...not because of some kind of global, insincere caring, but because you are you...honest, forthright, insightful, caring not at all an ice queen, though you may think you come across as such, and I for one will not be forgetting you.

BB

Monte,

You will be missed. I hope that you find the peace that you are looking for and I wish you the best on your journey. I have always thought you were kind, caring, warm and genuine on this board. I too am concerned about you and your need to pull away. I'm not saying you are wrong at all, but it seems like perhaps you have recently really opened up in T and then on the board and I get the feeling that you might be feeling overwhelmed with being that exposed. I sorry that you didn't feel like you had the support here that you needed. I always enjoyed reading about the relationship with your T and the progress that you were making.

Take care. ((((hugs))))

monte
I'm so sorry to hear the heartache you are in. (is there anything we can do?) I don't see that you reaped anything but amazing conversations and feedback and I have enjoyed enoying you through this site. I'm so sorry you didn't feel supported back. I hope you will consider coming back when you are ready, even just to say hello...

side note: I think we do all have seasons where being here is helpful and times when we need to pull away - I have done that... just life and it's ok. And it does/ can help and it take take some energy too (to stay here, and to be away) and it leads to missing people... ah, it's a tricky balance to find for sure...

oh monte, do take care and hang in there and keep up the good fight.

~jd
*sniff*
p.s. miss you much already.

me too.

Aw Monte, that's a shame

I will really miss you being around here, but totally respect your descision of course. But like others have said...don't feel you can't come back here though. Sometimes we have to do what feels right at the time, but sometimes circumstances and feelings alter and we can then always change our minds again. We'd love to see you if that ever happened......

I shall really miss you,

starfish

Hi Monte, I'm sorry you feel the need to leave as I have always enjoyed your posts and found them insightful, especially lately as you moved closer to your T and have been doing some hard hard there. I just wanted to say that I found your relationship and longevity with your T to be comforting. Especially lately as I struggle to stay with my T and find a way we can work together again. I'm sorry I haven't been posting much but so much of my energy is drained away by tears and pain over this huge disruption with my T that is potentially relationship ending. I do wish you the best and I hope this is just a little break and that you will come back and let us know how you are doing. Your voice will be missed.

TN

Monte,

It sounds like you know what is best for you at this point. I will say that I am disappointed that all of your posts have been deleted because I can think of one specifically, and many others that were helpful to me. But I completely understand why you did delete your posts.

I wish you peace and happiness

Mac

monte, i feel your pain, and am trying to recollect any fumbles i have sent your way. i am so clumsy with relationships, and i hope that none of my 'all thumbs' have come your way. i have massive work to do, myself, so, anything negative or not connecting i may have done, i ask for your forgiveness and understanding that i am not dealing with a full deck socially. t today told me that i am all hidden out in a bunker with ammo galore, bombs, missiles, everything strapped upon me, and the problem for me is, i don't realize there is no war.

i am seeing so many leave now, and i respect fully your decision, and wish you all the best in your journey.

i wish i knew something clever or healing to share, but prayers for you is the best i have! we are all on a journey, my friend, and i wish you well. xxxooo jill

Monte I’m really sorry you are leaving the forum - I will miss your wit and honesty and beautifully articulated posts. Guess all I can do really is wish you well, and say that if you ever do feel like posting here again, it would be great to hear how you are doing.

All the best to you Monte.

LL

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this hurt, Monte. I don't underestimate the power of it one bit. I have truly enjoyed reading about your time in therapy and your experiences with your T. I completely respect your decision, and I will also be sure to go back and check out anything I've posted. In your position, I'd probably want the same thing.

I'm so sad to see you go and feel pain that you feel the way you do, because I've felt similarly in lots of other situations, and it's downright miserable. Please take care of yourself - do whatever you need to do to continue your healing.

Monte,

I'm sorry to hear this. I've valued your input and appreciate you contributions here.

Best wishes,
Russ

Monte, I'm sorry to hear that you are leaving. Ultimately you have to do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself, and I respect that. However, the reasons you listed leave me feeling puzzled and concerned...and also a bit hurt. So I would like to respond to these.

You say that you have not experienced much support or camaraderie on this forum. However, I have seen (and in some cases I have written) LOTS of supportive and encouraging responses to your posts, as much or more than anyone else here, particularly on what I've come to think of as "your" thread ("Lost my nerve..."). Could you be more specific about what it is that you feel "sad resignation" over having not received here?

You say that you don't readily connect with people you don't know well. Well, I think it's safe to say that lots of us don't connect readily, given the types of challenges we face in therapy. Judging from your very articulate posts about your own therapy, and your supportive responses to others about theirs, you don't seem any more challenged in that area than anyone else here. So I'm sorry but I just don't understand what you mean by this. I mean that as a compliment, by the way.

You say that you don't gell well with females and often feel yourself on the outer when in their company, because your "face doesn't fit". And then you mentioned only a couple with whom you have felt "strong" camaraderie. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not one of those two. And that part is really okay with me. It makes a ton of sense that each one of us probably has certain members with whom we identify so strongly that we feel a special connection with them, we are drawn to them a bit more than others. I've experienced it, and I've sensed it between other members, and who knows if I'm sensing it correctly, but at any rate in general it is to be expected and it's totally cool. We all still offer genuine support to each other, even if we don't have the particular experience they've had, we still offer each other very real sympathy and encouragement. And I would also add, admiration.

But what DOES bother me is that you seem to be lumping the "rest" of us (outside of the two you feel close to) into some perceived "inner" circle, which is excluding you somehow, to the point of driving you off this forum. Forgive me, Monte, but I just do not see that kind of behavior on this forum at all. It is one of the things I value so much about it, as was recently expressed in the "Unspoken rules" thread, that we all offer what we can, when we can. And if I can't offer support for whatever reason, then it has to do with me and my own limitations, and NOT anyone else here. And that thread was really hot, and I know that sentiment was strong throughout it, that we all want everyone to feel welcome and supported here. So it bothers me a great deal that you feel excluded. So Monte, if you really do feel that you are being excluded to the point of being driven off (or having to "choose" to leave), then can you be a bit more direct and explain exactly what behavior it is that you are experiencing?

And forgive me again, but I just cannot even imagine that there is anyone here at all who is not very happy for you that you have the good fortune to have stability, longevity, and flexibility in your relationship with your T. It is what we all dream of. For example, I was so worried for you that he would not see the value in your drawings, and was so happy for you when he did. And I remember recently responding to the new developments with your T, such as sitting closer to you and offering you hugs, with genuine enthusiasm. And I will also tell you this, Monte, I felt no small amount of envy, too...I wish like CRAZY my ex-T would have done this for me. BUT I can also assure you 100% that it does not detract from my happiness for you AT ALL. And I did not hear or sense this coming from anyone else, I only saw positive responses to your experiences. So again, can you explain what it is you are feeling coming from "cyberspace", what it is that we don't want to share in with you, which is getting in the way of continued, heartfelt sharing?

I am sorry to hear that you deleted your posts. It is a great loss, as it has been in the past when others have felt the need to delete theirs, for various reasons. We've all shared experiences as precious and sometimes painful to us as yours are to you, so we understand the drive to take them back down sometimes. But again, you seem to be indicating that your posts were responded to in a disrespectful or uncaring way by others here. If that's true, could you be more specific?

Forgive me if the tone of this post is too confrontational, Monte. I do not mean it to be that way at all. But it bothers me so much that you feel you are being run off. I would never want anyone here to feel that way and I don't think anyone else would, either. If I have done something, then tell me, let's work it out. It could very well be that this forum just isn't what you are looking for in general. If that turns out to be the case, then I would simply wish you all the best. But you seem to be leaving with hard feelings, as if you have been wronged, or at least short-changed. And that is why I'm asking the questions.

Peace,
SG

Monte - I am pretty new here to this site and I just want you to know that I will miss you. You have had some great insights for me and I am truly thankful for your presence here.

I do understand how you're feeling. I have often thought that I don't really fit in here. I'm afraid to post alot of the times and sometimes I just don't feel like I'm helping anyone here. But then someone says something that hits a nerve with me. It makes me think and gives me a different perspective on things. Sometimes it's good and sometimes not so good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all take others opinions the way we want. Sometimes good and sometimes not. I read alot more here than I write but I try to just hang around and hope that maybe I will feel a little free to write more. I've never been very good at getting started with people. I can feel what you are saying even if I'm not expressing it correctly.

I will miss you alot around here Monte. Please come back and say hello ok?

The long and the sort of it for me, is I keep coming back here to see if maybe you changed your mind...I really miss you. I too was really sad yesterday, and it was hard because I couldn't talk to anybody about it...so yeah, it gets challenging. It's not like I can call up a friend and say "someone I really liked and cared about has gone missing..." You know what I mean? I fumbled around a lot, I worred about being too honest, and maybe, sometimes I have been. but I wish to be a support to you... a realistic support, yes...I understand we all have lives, and sometimes the nature of this place is that people can't show up...or need to delete, or need to leave, or just take a break...it's hard on us, but it IS the nature of this forum, a reality we have to accept. But there is caring here, for you too, Monte. We do like and care about you, your story is precious to us, and do not want to hurt you, neglect you, leave you alone with your emotions, or any of the rest of it. I am really sorry for any comments I made that might have contributed to this sense for you. Or any of the comments I failed to make. I am feeling very bad for being awol on your thread, and I am wondering if that is possibly a part of what has hurt you so badly? If so, please know I really do feel so happy about the wonderful progress you have made, how caring and kind and gently your wonderful T is being with you, helping you to heal from the awful past you have endured. We want to be your friend! When I told you that it triggered me, it was in all honesty to explain to you why I wasn't responding, so that maybe my lack of response wouldn't be as hurtful...not to make you feel that I was envious to the point of not being happy for you. Reading your thread was making me cry too much, is all. I needed to step away, just for a time, get my bearings, then I planned to come back to respond. Now I say all of that in fear and trembling that you may read this and pull away more. I also made a comment meant totally in jest about you not liking cyber hugs...and for that I am sorry too, because I couldn't see at the time, that you might take that as hurtful, and not accepting of where you are at with it, which was totally how I intended it. Yet the support and care you have shown to us, your humour and insight and genuine compassion is just something I can't help feeling awful to lose.

Missing you so much already, Monte...

BB

IM GOING TO MISS YOU MONTE!!!!! I loved reading your posts and hearing everything you had to say and I am truly going to miss that. I hope you do come back but I know you have to do what is best for you. But I am really going to miss you.

MTF,

No, you are not selfish and childish. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling about Monte leaving and the post that she wrote. I too am confused, somewhat hurt and wondering if I missed something. I am also really sad that the posts have been deleted because there was so much in those posts that was important and special.

Monte, I will miss your presence here - you added so much and could feel that you were really taking huge steps lately. I love your ability to express yourself so articulately and I will miss your wit and great sense of humor!

Today feels really sad. I know everyone has to do what they need to do to take care of themselves, but I don't like all of this change happening around here.

Oh Monte, it's hard for you and hard for us too.

I'm wobbling a little at all the people wobbling around me, and was just starting to feel braver and share a little more, so I think we're all a bit vulnerable.

Monte I am sorry if I ever didn't respond fully enough to your posts...We all respond in different ways, I for one am safer being a bit reserved, but it doesn't mean I care any less. I hate the fact that you don't feel listened too, that must feel really hard for you.

I was really moved by your recent post about that sharing time with your T, I guess it might feel scary, being out in the public domain BUT it spoke volumes to me and many others here. I was glad to read about how your T responded, it validated what you did and what my T is doing with me and what other T' are doing around this forum too. So thank you.

Monte, if you feel able to respond or just poo back once in a while, do. You are missed and valued,

starfish

((((MTF)))) my heart hurts for you and with you. (...maybe this is silly and stupid to say... but if it is any comfort at all... please know, you are not alone, and we are here with you...)

((((seablue)))) I'm so sorry you feel wobbly just after risking to be vulnerable.

I just found out a couple of days ago a dear friend in my life is moving away and honestly, I'm just thinking "*&@$#^@#(*" :*( It's hard for me to build relationships and live with the reality that people move away sometimes. yeah, we will still write and call, and it helps to know that, but it's not the same as when they live close by...

It's scary to risk connection, so painful for me when it's lost... and it seems like it's oddly still all worth it for me to keep trying and keep connecting.


I think what makes this kind of leaving is how abrupt it seems and the unanswered questions.

Monte, I really respect for not publicially slamming people you feel hurt by, but you didn't just withdraw from a few, you left everyone, the community as a whole without giving us a chance of knowing what you needed or wanted to be different for you... It's hard because of all the wondering why.

I appreciate that you said something, instead of just dissappearing forever without saying so - but I'm confused... oh I hope you are reading this. Even if not, I think this is a good way for us as a community to sort out our responses and hearts.

I have a friend who reminds me, "don't try to read minds." she means it in the sense that everyone is responsible for sharing something that is bothering them and what they want different. If they don't share it, my friend says, don't try to read their mind... but that's the hardest thing.

Jones and AG taking a break seems so different to me. They gave a reason why, and they said they will be back sometime. I miss them dearly, but there are not unresolved questions bouncing around in my head or a sense that they will be gone and that's it.

If any of us feel hurt by a specific person, I just want to mention that there is an option to block that person from private messages, or if the hurt feelings are on a public post, I think it's ok to addres them gently and respectfully that way - and Monte, I really saw you do that once... so I'm a little confused. Oh, I wish you would help me understand.

I do understand what it is like to feel like you have said too much and suddenly want to pull down posts. I have almost done that. But then I realize that no one here knows me - all names and places changed - and I suppose someone could connect me to my offline life... I guess... but if that is going on, then well, that's just creepy. One thing I love about being here is that I'm "annoymous." I even picked the name janedoe because I so wanted to be unknown in a way - and yet, there is the weird paradox that I feel really known here, and it's helped me be more known in the same way in the rest of my life. I can understand pulling down your posts Monte and I have gone back and forth about if I should delete anything I wrote in response to them or about you, but if it is ok with you, I'd like to leave them up, especially the ones where I say how much you rock! Even in you never come back Monte, you were here, and you did impact our lives and had wonderful things to say, and you really are amazing, and I want people to know that... and I know that for me, it's scary for me to realize that for myself... but this is one of the safest places there is to say what you have Monte. Please don't take all of you away.

you left without explaining to us, the community at large what you wanted differently from us, the community at large.

I remember someone here posting that they felt ignored - I love that they shared how they were feeling - because then it gave the community a chance to step in and work it out, and in many ways, express simillar feelings, and to connect on that...

I agree with what's been said about only being able to respond to so many posts and having a deeper connection with different people - and for me, that shifts at times. I love and respect everyone so much, and there just naturally is a deeper connection with some and not as much as with others. I still love reading all the posts, even when I have nothing to share or contribute.

I don't understand feeling like you don't fit in with women. I guess by my posting name, you can tell I'm a girl, I guess I haven't felt like this forum is a bunch of women and only a few guys. It seems like the few that I can tell are guys and girls post stuff that any guy or girl could write. I wonder how you pick up on the sense that you don't fit in with women playing out here. (to be honest monte, I'm not totally sure if you are a guy or a girl. maybe the name monte gives it away, but it doesn't for me. I just haven't kept very good track about genders. I'm sorry if that's hurtful to anyone.)

Monte, you left feeling hurt and a lack of comraderie.

In the responses to your leaving I sense some hurt from feeling like we've lost a connection with you and a deep desire to understand and resolve it.

I just miss you. I hope you come back some day and perhaps let us know how you are, and it would be so helpful to know, in your wonderfully honest and frank way of saying things, what you specifically would have liked to be different. Please at least give us that. please? I only ask because I care and my heart aches.

I am rambling, just jumbled up thoughts...

I wanted to leave a more strongly written response at first, but since I am new here I felt that it wasn’t my place. I am very happy that other people (SG, dragonfly, BB, janedoe) have posted what looks like their true feelings on the situation.

quote:

Originally posted by janedoe:
I have a friend who reminds me, "don't try to read minds." she means it in the sense that everyone is responsible for sharing something that is bothering them and what they want different. If they don't share it, my friend says, don't try to read their mind... but that's the hardest thing.

My therapist said practically this same thing to me today. I tried to tell him that I noticed that I was much less complimenting of him while in session than I am on this forum. But I didn’t even want to hint to him that I might actually like him, so I tried to talk around the subject instead of actually saying it. In the end I actually said to him “I don’t want you to know that I really do like you”. Actually saying what I was feeling always turns out to be a million times more helpful than just hinting that there is a problem or concern.

So what I’m trying to say is that, I think that if you did, Monte, actually come back and say how specifically you felt left out, or also how specifically you felt that others weren’t supportive, that it would only be beneficial to the community. No one can learn or grow and better this community from this experience without you leaving more concrete reasons why you left.

I would also like to comment on something that Monte said to everyone else still here.

quote:

Or, it may be that some just don't like to hear about the good fortune I’ve had in terms of stability and longevity and flexibility in my relationship with my T and don’t want to share in in that with me. I understand that, but of course it is not conducive to continued, heartfelt sharing. These things can be felt...even in cyberspace.

I have felt (certainly not in a negative way) that maybe there isn’t quite as much of a space here for raving about positive relationships with T’s.

I’m not specifically talking about posting success stories (because I shared my success story with recording sessions and I felt everyone’s responses were so supportive and encouraging) but in just responding to other people’s posts about problems that they are having with their T. I feel like I don’t want to keep responding to other people’s problems with saying, “I hear what you’re saying, but my T is perfect and we have a great relationship and he has never been anything less than amazing!!” Obviously, that’s exaggerated. But I was thinking that might be what Monte was hinting at with not feeling like people wanted to hear about positive things with T’s. I have no idea, it’s just a thought since the reasons for leaving that Monet posted were so brief.

Mac

MacLove -

I only have a moment but I wanted to say thank you for sharing how you feel uncomforatble about sharing positive stories.

quote:

have felt (certainly not in a negative way) that maybe there isn’t quite as much of a space here for raving about positive relationships with T’s.

I’m not specifically talking about posting success stories (because I shared my success story with recording sessions and I felt everyone’s responses were so supportive and encouraging) but in just responding to other people’s posts about problems that they are having with their T. I feel like I don’t want to keep responding to other people’s problems with saying, “I hear what you’re saying, but my T is perfect and we have a great relationship and he has never been anything less than amazing!!”

Oh, I am not sure how to word this - but let me try and see if I can manage to not stick BOTH feet in my mouth in the process.

MacLove - you do a very good job of being very respectful to people's pain. I don't see how posting a good experince is disrespectful of other's pain... I suppose it can vary for people - but we all choose what we taken in and what we don't - and it's tough to do that too.

I think if you post a positive experince with a T, it is a good thing! And I have been through hell and back with T's. I have had bad experinces and now have some good (and confusing) ones that I have posted about. I can understand feeling like you don't want to post the positive because then it would... is invalidate the right word? the experience of others? can I challenge you (and myself!) that both exist and neither take away the value of the other?

When I have been really struggling with awful experiences, it as been so helpful to read posts of others about good experinces. Yeah, it stings sometimes too - but it doesn't invalidate the horrible negative experience I have just because you have a good one, just like my negative experiences don't invalidate the good ones! I think both have been equally valauble for me to read, and for me to post about - both when I have been struggling with the good and the bad.

I want to say out loud for myself that as someone who has posted probably more bad experinces than good (so far) I would hate for you to withold a good experince with your T because of a bad experince I have had, and I don't want my bad experinces to be withheld because of the good expericnes of others. (and vice versa - in all kinds of ways.)

Thanks for sharing MacLove.

Let's create the space here for both the good and the bad expericnes to exist here together. Not sure how to create more space for both, but I hope this is a start? hmmm.... how do we create more space for both?

quote:

So what I’m trying to say is that, I think that if you did, Monte, actually come back and say how specifically you felt left out, or also how specifically you felt that others weren’t supportive, that it would only be beneficial to the community. No one can learn or grow and better this community from this experience without you leaving more concrete reasons why you left.

I think that would be very beneficial. One of the things that, IMO, makes this place so unique and special is that it really is like a large, cyber therapy group (wasn't that your T, MacLove, that said that?). It should be a safe place to express ourselves and our experiences, both good and bad, but that's not always the case for each individual. Of course, for some it will take a whole lot longer and a lot more wrestling with yourself to reach the point where you can post something and know you will benefit from it in one way or another. I'm very far from that point - like others have mentioned, I feel so largely inadequate for so many reasons and it has had a very large effect on how much I post, when/where I post, etc. It all feels dangerous to me. So, even though I'm often too afraid to take that step and reach out, whether for my own support or to support others, I know how valuable it is to have thoughts/feelings out in the open. So, I also hope that you, Monte, and everyone else realize that my choosing to post at any point always comes with a huge war within myself...it's never an easy decision, so please know that any silence coming from my direction is never out of anything else other than insecurity and a sense of being inadequate.

Monte, if you do happen to read all of this, I think there are several ways in which all of this could be interpreted. At first glance, all of these posts could hurt you deeply, maybe even make you feel ganged up on (just guessing). You are so kind to others that I know you would never intentionally cause hurt to anyone else. But take a second look at the hurt everyone is feeling and realize that it is YOU that made this impact on them. You affected them by being present, by posting your experiences with your T, by sharing deep, secret parts of yourself. I have a feeling that there is some final straw that you experienced recently, Monte. If it was a private matter, then by all means keep it private, but if it was something that happened on the public forum, I do think that we all have a right to know why you chose now to leave. What was it that finally pushed you away?

I agree with you, Janedoe, that this post has brought about a whole lot of things that need to be talked about. For me, this is one of the only times (maybe the first...I'm not sure) that I have seen such real, raw emotions written out by other members. Perhaps it takes something radical like this to bring about this necessary honesty from everyone, though it is unfortunate.

i probably am sticking both feet in my mouth, but monte, the love you are seeing for you by all these posts, i know we are all just cyber-people, and i fear i am probably one of the 'bad ones' as i usually am, but, i will say this, it did help me to kindof wave the white flag by posting that thing i did about asking what the rules are, and it helps me here, and in the real world. i already have an occasion, too boring to mention, where what i learned through that helped me. monte, this is a place where we can learn to sort these things out in an anonymous way, so i would love to be able to encourage you to stick one toe in the water again holding on FULLY to the siderail.

you may learn something that can help you, and i would somehow like to normalize your feelings, as we have all felt 'wronged' here and in real life....and sadly, that IS real life. but we are a very forgiving crew, i say we, although i don't know how much i am even accepted myself, but, really. try to think of a way to balance "THIS" in your life so you don't feel too attached thus too vulnerable??

i dunno much, it just seems that people really love you, and you are being hard on yourself and cutting off a place that could be very nurturing to you, too.

and, cyber-friend to cyber-friend....we are all anonymous!!

too, i think i might have replied once to you or someone about how i envied their relationship with their t, and i did follow it up that i was thrilled that they are experiencing that great relationship, and yes, a part of me was GREEN WITH ENVY, but too, a very BIG part of me was ENCOURAGED BY READING HOW IT COULD COME TRUE MAYBE FOR ME, TOO!! so IF that was you, i hope you understood the full loop of my thought.

anyway, do what you need to do, but i do think working through some of what HURTS the most, we get closer to the healing!! ((i'm hoping anyway, as the last session i had was a bit of a bloodbath!!))

if you're there, ((((MONTE)))) ....REALLY!

Oh how I can so relate to Monte.....I stopped contributing to this forum quite some time ago for the very same reasons (and a few more)....From time to time, I read a few of the threads.....but will never again feel safe enough to respond....although many times I would have liked to....my heart goes out to you Monte....Many Blessings!

Monte, I want you to know that I have valued and appreciated your contributions here. You have said some very wise things on my threads, and it was very helpful for me. I always think of you being very "mature", even though I don't know your age. It's obvious you've been in therapy a long time and have a good relationship with your T. I've enjoyed hearing about your experiences. I'll miss you.

Sarah,

Would you be willing to elaborate more? Is it something specific that happened? Was it on the boards or behind the scenes? Really, I don't see how this isn't going to continue to repeat if we (as the community) aren't given the opportunity to know what is going on and what is being handled poorly.

Thanks for asking!

The incidents were both on and off the boards....One incident involved the Shrinklady who deleted a post of mine which was simply a search for a healthy debate on a specific topic...my fear now is that she will once again delete this post...I am still to this day traumatized/devastated by this one act....she also sided with another member over me with regards to another topic ... dismissing my input on the matter....there are a few more incidents but I am too tearful at this moment to continue sharing....hurts like these can last a lifetime....I will put the violin away now....thanks again for asking!

Monte, I just want to "echo" everything which Echo just wrote. She wrote it better than I could. I don't post as much anymore because some days either I don't have the mental energy or else I get triggered and have to log off, but I am sorry if I have offended you by not offering more open support. I do appreciate the times you have responded to my posts, as well as the good I have gained just by reading your responses to others. You have given much to the forum, and perhaps you are just burned out giving too much. I realize you have every right to leave, that no one ought to force you to stay, and I respect that. If you change your mind, I would also be glad to welcome you back. Take care.

Aw, Sarah, I am so sorry to hear that you were hurt. It's scary to feel hurt or dismissed by someone in authority, too. I hope someway, you can find some healing from this.

Monte, if, perchance, you are reading this...I am hoping that you realize that we respect your decision and respect you... I'm just sorry you got hurt, and I'm really hoping that if I did something or said something bad, I can make it right.

Hugs,

BB

Hey, one more for Monte... I was sorry to read this. You've given a lot to the forum and you will (obviously) be missed. I hope you can find good space for healing and that you will feel okay enough to come by and say hi at some time.

Go well.
Jones

Monte - I'm so glad you posted. I can totally understand your lack of trust in other people. I guess I do the same thing. It's kind of like no one gets too close. Even my t, who is probably the closest I've ever let anyone, including my partner, get to me, is still not that close. I can never really totally feel that trust. I, too, tend to run and exile myself from others. It's safer, quieter, no strings, no fake smile. I think we are quick to run and hide because we know it's safer for us. It's the only place we know we are safe.

Monte, anytime you feel like you want to post is fine with me. I have really liked your posts. Whatever you're comfortable with is ok with me. (())

Monte!!!

thank you so much for the response and clarification!!! That makes a TON of sense... oh, I can really relate in a lot of ways. It is SO hard to trust and believe and take people at their word... It's also a new experience for me being on any forum, let alone a forum quite like this one. Often, I dunno what to with it all. For me, half the time I want to jump in more and half the time I wanna run away (not from anything bad). This is just how I am in relationships in life.

oh, and btw, I never felt like you were playing any game at all or trying to hurt anyone. Just missed you and wasn't sure what happened to make you feel the way you did and what you had been spooked about. Now I understand a lot better. thank you.

I want to say... it's ok to doubt. It's ok to run, withdraw, back up, it's ok to stay, jump in - it's ok to do what you need to. I hope it's ok for me too.

it's good to see you again and hope to "see" you again if/when it feels right for you.

~jd

monte, i could have written every word you wrote, all i can tell you is, not to minimize what you are saying AT ALL, but we all feel that way from time to time.

you take the time you need, glad you peaked in to see the love and support. hug yourself, and do what YOU need to do, don't put guilt on your back, we've all been there, take care of YOU!! jill

Welcome "back" Monte, even if your return is only "temporary". I'm sorry if you felt misunderstood again by my response to your post. I know it was sort of "against the flow" a bit, but I was actually trying to understand you better based on what you said. Your post sounded like a cry to be seen and heard and so I tried to do that but it was really tough to do, there were a lot of things left unexplained and so I just raised the questions in order to let you know that you are, indeed, a very valued member of this forum. Otherwise your leaving wouldn't have hurt. And I can really relate to underestimating how much we mean to others, and being surprised to find out we matter more than we would have ever guessed. I also find relief in isolating myself, it is so much safer than hanging out there for everyone to see my faults, and feel a certain amount of terror every single time I post, especially lately because I've been treading into territories that are dangerous...but if it doesn't get said then how do we work it out? We are all of us trying to work out our mis-perceptions...so I hope you can forgive me if I've made any of you.

Peace,
SG

Monte- Thank you for posting again and clarifying! That took guts!! Like everyone else, I understand everything that you said about trusting people. It was very well said.
maclove

(((((Monte)))))

quote:

I enjoy self-imposed exile. Simply put, most people scare me and I get intimidated easily, even though I do a good job of hiding it. That does not mean I wish people would tiptoe around me…it does mean I wish I were different.

That last part of the last line says a lot and is important, Monte. Maybe it's time to 'up the ante' and stick around. Maybe you need to challenge yourself here where the anonymity keeps it safer. You CAN work on changing how you do relationships, even in cyberspace.

It is frightening for most if not all of us to put our 'stuff' out there. It takes courage to trust others with our hearts, and that is scary. But I've grown a lot since finding this place and sharing my stuff, and I'll bet you have too. I know a lot of what I've learned has come from what you've shared about yourself, and what you've shared with me for my own benefit, and I have really appreciated your contributions to my life. It's all valuable stuff. And you know from the many years you've spent with your T and how long it's taken to finally get where you've got to that sometimes the good stuff takes a while to 'grow' and to earn through our efforts. I know I always want instant gratification and I'm learning the hard way that most things that are worthwhile don't work that way. Sad but true. Risks are hard. They challenge us on many levels. But without them we truly don't grow and change and become who we have the potential to be, and that is where I feel that we truly fail ourselves.

I hope you'll feel safe enough to risk it with us again, Monte. We miss you. I miss you.

Take care,
MTF

Hi Monte

Good to see you posting.. I hope it was ok for you to come back and do that, it must have felt quite difficult for you and I hope that still feels a safe post for you monte. Thank you also for explaining your reasons in a bit more depth...I would agree with ultraviolets suggestion of working on fears here too...only if you can feel comfortable...but the support is waiting

starfish

Boy am I glad to see your post, Monte. I don't want to scare you off again, so I am not going to say too much...just know, that you are free to come and go, post and delete, appear and dissapear, and no one will think any the worse of you. I am completely in your camp on the friendship thing. It is rare fro me to hang onto a friend for very long at all...then, I start not returning calls, finding reasons to hate them, seeing hurtful behavior in just about everything they do...it is interesting to me, that you explain that this is almost like a defense...I never thought of it that way, and I guess that is probably why I do it, too. The anonymity here is the only thing that keeps me coming back...It is a safer envionment than the "real world" to practice these kind of things, and to give and receive support for such a difficult area...therapy. I have nobody that I could discuss my therapy stuff with, and it did used to weigh very heavily on me to keep it all bottled up. Because therapy for me can be another worry, and more pain- at times. OK, I'll sign off now. You just come and go as you wish- it is ok, Monte. Jones once told me I could come on here, tell an offensive joke, burp, scratch myself and then disappear for a month and she wouldn't mind! I try, use that as my (very funny) yardstick, now! Maybe it can be yours, too.

Love,

BB