Welcome Deepfried, glad you finally decided to post. I think UV gave a good answer. I am very connected to my T and attached as well and sometimes wish I was not because it can also be very painful at times, like right now where we are having a major disruption. If I had no attachment to him it would be so easy to just walk away. On the other hand, having this attachment and connection has been responsible for a lot of healing and growth on my part.

I think it comes down to a matter of establishing trust and safety with a T. Of course, it's possible that a connection is not able to be made with any T, but perhaps in your case after being numb for so long you just need more time to build that trust before you really open up and allow your emotions to become unfrozen. I often swing from numb and frozen to very emotional. I'm trying to find the right balance in working with my T.

And I do feel that the relationship is an important part of therapy. Hang in there and I think yours will develop with time. Please keep us informed as to how you are doing.

TN

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TN and UV both gave great responses. I’ll just repeat what they both said and say that there’s no “right” amount of time that it takes to connect. However long it takes you is fine, and there’s no need to try and force yourself into it, or be down on yourself for not being able to trust yet.

Welcome Deepfried. I agree with everyone else. There is no right amount of time. It takes however long it takes. I have been with my T for a little over a year, but I see her multiple times per week and it has taken the better part of the year to really feel connected to her and start to trust her. It still fluctuates. I don't think it is something that you can force at all. Hang in there, it will come in time!

Welcome to the forum Deepfried!

I echo all of the others.....connecting with a T takes all of the time that it takes....for me, it was years!!

Again, welcome!!

Hi Deepfried,

First of all, I just want to say welcome. Also, I am going through much of the same thing with my T right now. I know she is the right therapist for me, but I am not able to actually feel the connection. I am so out of touch with my emotions, especially in session, so there hasn't been any palpable connection...yet. I do have faith that I will someday be able to acknowledge it through my feelings, but I'm trying to be patient. It is tough, though. I try not to think about the "what-ifs" (what if she's not the right T for me..), because they'll drive me crazy. I did when I first started seeing her, but since she has responded so well to everything, I don't question it much anymore. I'm not sure if it seems like this for you, but I feel like I'm in this in-between period where I'm not feeling anything, it seems like things are stagnant. The initial relief of having someone listen to me has worn off, and I'm in this holding pattern of no feelings, no progress. In reality, I know that I'm very, very slowly making progress, but it's hard.

I also wanted to ask how long you have been seeing this T. I've only been seeing my T for about 3 1/2 months, and it still feels like there's a long way to go before I feel like there actually is some sort of relationship. My T actually brought up connections in my last session...that seemed to be her way of approaching the lack of connection I am feeling. Though I didn't acknowledge it explicitly, I know she knows that there's still work to be done in that area. I wonder if what your T said to you about how you sounded on the phone was her way of bringing that out in the open? Perhaps it was a prompt meant to start a conversation about how you feel regarding your relationship with her.

I hope some of that helps a little. At the very least, I hope you know that you aren't alone.

maybe it is maturity on your part, deepfried! i actually think you sound quite wise in your ability to let the relationship develop in a natural way. for me, anyone nice to me i just roll over and fall in love and it is a trainwreck developing type think, as no one can meet the expectations i put on them, as they are promoted to king/queen with just being NICE to me. desparation and fantasy thinking over here, so, maybe, just maybe you are doing this in a normal way!! a healthy way!! y'no??

relationship SHOULD grow, i just fall in puppy love and am usually VASTLY disappointed!!

just a thought, and welcome!! you will find some sweet people here!! glad YOU came!! jill

quote:

A lot of it has to do with why I'm in therapy in the first place and that's because I have no connection with my emotions. I'm on perma-numb... I'm also VERY independent and can't stand asking for, needing, or receiving help of any kind.

Oh my, Deep Fried, this was sooooo me.
First welcome to the site. Many wonderful people here.

That is the exact reason why I started therapy 18 months ago. And relationship issues were freaking me out. My main problem was that I was confused about how I felt about people in my life, and I was not in touch with my needs,or my emotions.

So my friend referred me to her marriage counselor ( not the best way to find a counselor- I admit) The Dr. PsyD- turned out to be a trauma specialist which is exactly what I needed to explore eary childhood sexual abuse which was my deep dark secret never shared. It has been a long and hard journey- but filled with many rewards, and now I am mostly on the other side of it. Still work to do- but not afraid to do it now.
My super independence "I don't need adnything but air food and water- deal) was my wall- my thick insulation from the world. and Mark- My t helped me slowly tear it down at first brick by brick- to the next layer, then again brick by brick.... Part of the process that was extremely confusing for me was that I had to learn to become dependent on him. He explained that, but this led to other stuff.
Anyway- I hope your life is simpler, but if not, we are here, and it is in doing the deep, deep, work with an attuned therapist that creates the connection you read about.
My best to you.
Mayo

ps UV and TN and all are giving you wonderful information.
Just take things slowly. As much as we might want to hurry a process, it won't happen, because it does not work that way. Work at your own pace. Peel the onoin layers slowly and process the information as you go.
Again- my Best.

Hi everyone- not posting much- but still lurking ad doing ok.

Hi Deepfried. Welcome to the forums.
I could have written your post a few years ago. I was just like that before this latest round of therapy. Numb, guarded, refused to ask for (or even acknowledge that I needed) help...

I had a relationship with my first therapist much like you describe with yours. I worked with her for a year and a half, and I like her a lot, she was great at her job... but no connection ever formed. I went through two major depressive episodes during that time, and she helped me back from both, and "saved" my marriage, but at the last session I still was unable to even say "Thank you" to her. She kept asking me if the therapy had been valuable to me, and what specifically had helped, and I couldn't even bring myself to compliment her a little. (Two years later I did write her a letter and thank her for all her help.)

Fast forward a few years and I had a new P, and it was an entirely different feeling. Even though the first T was psychodynamic and the new P was CBT (very practical, not a lot of talk about my childhood or anything), I felt a much stronger emotional attachment to him within just a few months. At one point he gave me a handout which was a big list of "feeling words" and their descriptions (I was having a lot of trouble expressing how things made me feel), and I remember thinking, "Wow. There are so many different emotions. I had no idea."

Maybe this could be a gender issue? I think it was for me, and I know some other people have expressed that on other threads. Or maybe it just takes time.

Either way, not feeling emotionally attached to your T certainly doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong, or that the therapy isn't "working". On the contrary, I think most people in therapy are in the same position you are. I think for those of us who have developed strong feelings for out T's, at some point we got scared and thought WE were doing therapy wrong. I know I did! And I had several people tell me to run away and get a new shrink already, before I realized I should just keep this sort of thing to myself.

Best of luck to you.

Welcome DeepFried! I can't add much to what everyone else has already said. It takes time and trust, both of which are hard. It took me years to really trust my T.

Hang in there DeepFried!!!