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Hi UV,
I just wanted to comment on the whole 'planned topics' thing. With my old T, and sometimes with my current T, there will be something that I come into my session planning to talk about, and I'm not very forceful when it comes to bringing things up, so if I don't manage to talk about whatever it is I wanted to say, I know I end up feeling regretful and annoyed at myself afterward. Towards the beginning of my therapy with my current T I had a session where I came in, feeling like my mind was in tiny puzzle pieces all scattered around, and I couldn't seem to form a complete, coherent thought. I told my T that I felt all jumbled, and at the end of the session she commented on what I had said at the beginning and mentioned that she thought that not having an agenda at the beginning of the session lead to a more fluid and productive session.
Keeping that in mind and thinking of how much I berate myself when I don't end up bringing up something I had planned has lead me to avoid having a plan of things to talk about beforehand. Therapy is all about repeating maladaptive patterns that we use in the real world inside the room with our therapists, and it seems to me that my patterns become more visible when I'm forced to be me -- when I don't know what to say, when my automatic reactions aren't overridden by a planned response. I wonder if I wrote that in a way that makes sense. The catch, though, is that I too worry that my T will see the same 'me' that the rest of the world sees, even when I know that a good portion of that is a facade. Similar to you, I worry that my T has fallen for my manipulation pattern as well.
That being said, maybe he IS falling into your pattern, but perhaps he is doing so intentionally so that he can see how you operate around others...to see how it feels and maybe figure out where he can put some chinks in the armor. I wonder how much you have actually replayed (unconsciously) in therapy the way you 'manipulate' (albeit unconsciously as well) others in the outside world. If that hasn't really happened, it makes it seem even more plausible that your T is taking somewhat of an observer's stance.
I think there were a few more things I wanted to say, but my mind kinda blanked.
Take care,
K
I just wanted to comment on the whole 'planned topics' thing. With my old T, and sometimes with my current T, there will be something that I come into my session planning to talk about, and I'm not very forceful when it comes to bringing things up, so if I don't manage to talk about whatever it is I wanted to say, I know I end up feeling regretful and annoyed at myself afterward. Towards the beginning of my therapy with my current T I had a session where I came in, feeling like my mind was in tiny puzzle pieces all scattered around, and I couldn't seem to form a complete, coherent thought. I told my T that I felt all jumbled, and at the end of the session she commented on what I had said at the beginning and mentioned that she thought that not having an agenda at the beginning of the session lead to a more fluid and productive session.
Keeping that in mind and thinking of how much I berate myself when I don't end up bringing up something I had planned has lead me to avoid having a plan of things to talk about beforehand. Therapy is all about repeating maladaptive patterns that we use in the real world inside the room with our therapists, and it seems to me that my patterns become more visible when I'm forced to be me -- when I don't know what to say, when my automatic reactions aren't overridden by a planned response. I wonder if I wrote that in a way that makes sense. The catch, though, is that I too worry that my T will see the same 'me' that the rest of the world sees, even when I know that a good portion of that is a facade. Similar to you, I worry that my T has fallen for my manipulation pattern as well.
That being said, maybe he IS falling into your pattern, but perhaps he is doing so intentionally so that he can see how you operate around others...to see how it feels and maybe figure out where he can put some chinks in the armor. I wonder how much you have actually replayed (unconsciously) in therapy the way you 'manipulate' (albeit unconsciously as well) others in the outside world. If that hasn't really happened, it makes it seem even more plausible that your T is taking somewhat of an observer's stance.
I think there were a few more things I wanted to say, but my mind kinda blanked.
Take care,
K
Hello UV - seems you’re going through a period of assessing how your therapy is going and coming up with some serious issues? I hope you are able to talk to him about all this and get some assurances from him about what his intentions in regard to your therapy are.
Couldn’t help but fix on the same quote Maclove quoted
This jumped out at me because that’s exactly how I’ve experienced nearly every therapy relationship I’ve been in - where I’m the one doing the job of the therapist - trying to work out what I need to be ‘doing’ and then trying to enlist their help in it - and over and over ending up feeling like they either don’t get it don’t understand what to me is obvious, or that that’s really what therapy is about - me continuing the sorting out of self that I do in real life anyway, with T just sitting there going along with whatever I say. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve pointblank asked for more active guidance and been plainly not heard... grrr writing this is making me angry about it all all over again!
I certainly have never bought into the idea that the T has some grand plan and resorts to manipulation or deliberate provocation - much as I’d like to believe Ts know better and more and have some overall idea of what it’s all about, I’ve had to come to the conclusion that they spend most of my sessions bumbling around simply reacting to me. So there I am desperately trying to get a sense of certainty and knowing from them, and there they are blowing with the wind very clearly showing they have NO idea of what to do or where to take the therapy.
Ok having said that I now realize that it’s most likely because I’ve sought out the wrong therapeutic approach - the types of Ts I’ve seen are those whose style IS to just sit back and let the client rabbit on in the (vain for me!) hope that the client will discover all the secrets of life the universe and everything all by themselves. Sorry for the sarcasm, it’s that I’m feeling a bit duped by it all at the moment
I so hope your T is not turning out to be like one of my past Ts!
UV what you say about your T allowing the chit chat to go on, and with the example of talking about art - that does seem strange given the context of your therapy - I too would have thought the talk would have then centred on your past association - to be digressed back into a general topic is the sort of thing that would make me feel totally unheard in therapy. (and has done too!)
It really does sound like you need to talk about this with him, get an idea of where he’s at in the therapy. Fingers crossed that it IS all part of some grand master plan (lol) and the he is aware of what he’s doing.
Good luck with your next session
LL
Couldn’t help but fix on the same quote Maclove quoted
quote:And I feel like I'm the one trying to 'do therapy', while he's being the neglectful parent.
This jumped out at me because that’s exactly how I’ve experienced nearly every therapy relationship I’ve been in - where I’m the one doing the job of the therapist - trying to work out what I need to be ‘doing’ and then trying to enlist their help in it - and over and over ending up feeling like they either don’t get it don’t understand what to me is obvious, or that that’s really what therapy is about - me continuing the sorting out of self that I do in real life anyway, with T just sitting there going along with whatever I say. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve pointblank asked for more active guidance and been plainly not heard... grrr writing this is making me angry about it all all over again!
I certainly have never bought into the idea that the T has some grand plan and resorts to manipulation or deliberate provocation - much as I’d like to believe Ts know better and more and have some overall idea of what it’s all about, I’ve had to come to the conclusion that they spend most of my sessions bumbling around simply reacting to me. So there I am desperately trying to get a sense of certainty and knowing from them, and there they are blowing with the wind very clearly showing they have NO idea of what to do or where to take the therapy.
Ok having said that I now realize that it’s most likely because I’ve sought out the wrong therapeutic approach - the types of Ts I’ve seen are those whose style IS to just sit back and let the client rabbit on in the (vain for me!) hope that the client will discover all the secrets of life the universe and everything all by themselves. Sorry for the sarcasm, it’s that I’m feeling a bit duped by it all at the moment
I so hope your T is not turning out to be like one of my past Ts! UV what you say about your T allowing the chit chat to go on, and with the example of talking about art - that does seem strange given the context of your therapy - I too would have thought the talk would have then centred on your past association - to be digressed back into a general topic is the sort of thing that would make me feel totally unheard in therapy. (and has done too!)
It really does sound like you need to talk about this with him, get an idea of where he’s at in the therapy. Fingers crossed that it IS all part of some grand master plan (lol) and the he is aware of what he’s doing.
Good luck with your next session
LL