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I do stuff like that (the hearts in the text message). People act like they don't care about me so I act like a jerk so at least I know there is a REASON they don't care about me. I try to do things right so people will love and care about me, but they end up getting disappointed or annoyed or angry with me for the stupidest little thing, which makes me feel like they don't care if I even exist or even maybe they don't even WANT me to exist. I feel angry that they're angry at me over something stupid and little, so I intentionally do something worse, so their anger will then make sense to me. ~D
uv, you and i have some of the same stuff. people pleasers, didn't have love expressed to us as a child, punished for 'childish', but not 'bad' behavior...inappropriate to the 'crime'...low self worth, for me, i presume you are saying that by mentioning it...i dunno, i do some passive aggressive things, which may be somewhat like the hearts you send...kinda hard to get mad at someone for sending hearts...is that passive aggressive?? if it is, it explains it somewhat, that perhaps you are angry that he (transference) is not able to tell you, like your parents couldn't, that he loves you, but now it is different reasons.
i picture you, this precious little girl, doing everything lovely for your parents (like me, too) and yet, 'it' (like the hearts you send your t) is not returned with affection. and after awhile, you just see how far you can get with it to see, in a way, just how little affection/love is there...except this time, you are directing it at your t, however, BOTH YOUR T AND YOUR PARENTS were unable to give you the love you want, and at least for your parents, the love you deserved.
this is the big elephant tho, and other threads allude to it....we are looking for love (again as we did as a child) in a place (our t now, and our parents then) that cannot possible fill our need. our parents didn't have that 'gene' of loving their child in a nurturing and very NORMAL way. they didn't have the ability to love us the way we deserved to be loved. now, what feels so familiar to us (unrequited love) is NOT coming to us AGAIN but now, our psyche is slow to realize, it is the same urge that went unfulfilled as a child being directed on the t.
i know you know all this stuff better than i do, but, long story short, i think your hearts directed at your t are just like your best efforts as a child to be lovable, and they are being turned down, and the laugh you feel about it, possibly, is a defense mechanism to protect you from what is too painful to feel, and was your way to DENY your need, of the hurt you feel at your best efforts to be lovely being rejected (it feels).
this is where i get with that whole tirade about t's not loving us, and i am really trying to get over that whole misfortunate deal, as, it is a no win situation, and efforts that way are just childhood transeference issues, and rather than go through the fing process of falling in love with a t, i want to just 'skip that step' and intellectualize it away (at least as best i can, some affection should be natural) and get on with the learning what i need to learn, and that, i feel, for me, is RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of a crappy childhood that was not fair or deserved, but the reality of it, and use my mourning of it towards a positive locale of bettering my family and myself. wasted energy, i feel, to 'try to earn their fricking love' ... (keep in mind i am shy on the long term positive t relationship every one, and so jaded in my view) ... gonna spend that energy on something more productive than trying to get some t to 'deeply care' about me...to accept that, in their own t-like way, they DO care about all of us....but love?? i dunno, i don't flatter myself (never have...i'll be the first to slap myself in the face!)
please, don't take it personally any of you with great t relationships that do reach love...i am just mad and pouty and want to act like it doesn't happen to anyone, therefore, just coz i don't have it, i would rather think it doesn't EXIST!! (kind of like good parents...just coz i didn't have 'em, i would rather feel that no one did, and i know that is equally untrue, but, at this point in my life, this nudge of reality is easier to accept...i hope you will forgive me!)
hang in there, uv. i guess in a way, it is ok to send your love, and really, love given away without expectation of it's return IS true love. so, send those hearts, know you've analyzed the many facets of them, but, if he can't take the fact that he is important to you (and i KNOW he can) than pooey on him!! really uv, loving your therapist IS normal, i would say! it is the angst of it's return in a way that would cross their boundaries is the catch that hurts..if you can accept that catch in the deal, then, send away!! hearts to YOU!! jill
i picture you, this precious little girl, doing everything lovely for your parents (like me, too) and yet, 'it' (like the hearts you send your t) is not returned with affection. and after awhile, you just see how far you can get with it to see, in a way, just how little affection/love is there...except this time, you are directing it at your t, however, BOTH YOUR T AND YOUR PARENTS were unable to give you the love you want, and at least for your parents, the love you deserved.
this is the big elephant tho, and other threads allude to it....we are looking for love (again as we did as a child) in a place (our t now, and our parents then) that cannot possible fill our need. our parents didn't have that 'gene' of loving their child in a nurturing and very NORMAL way. they didn't have the ability to love us the way we deserved to be loved. now, what feels so familiar to us (unrequited love) is NOT coming to us AGAIN but now, our psyche is slow to realize, it is the same urge that went unfulfilled as a child being directed on the t.
i know you know all this stuff better than i do, but, long story short, i think your hearts directed at your t are just like your best efforts as a child to be lovable, and they are being turned down, and the laugh you feel about it, possibly, is a defense mechanism to protect you from what is too painful to feel, and was your way to DENY your need, of the hurt you feel at your best efforts to be lovely being rejected (it feels).
this is where i get with that whole tirade about t's not loving us, and i am really trying to get over that whole misfortunate deal, as, it is a no win situation, and efforts that way are just childhood transeference issues, and rather than go through the fing process of falling in love with a t, i want to just 'skip that step' and intellectualize it away (at least as best i can, some affection should be natural) and get on with the learning what i need to learn, and that, i feel, for me, is RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of a crappy childhood that was not fair or deserved, but the reality of it, and use my mourning of it towards a positive locale of bettering my family and myself. wasted energy, i feel, to 'try to earn their fricking love' ... (keep in mind i am shy on the long term positive t relationship every one, and so jaded in my view) ... gonna spend that energy on something more productive than trying to get some t to 'deeply care' about me...to accept that, in their own t-like way, they DO care about all of us....but love?? i dunno, i don't flatter myself (never have...i'll be the first to slap myself in the face!)
please, don't take it personally any of you with great t relationships that do reach love...i am just mad and pouty and want to act like it doesn't happen to anyone, therefore, just coz i don't have it, i would rather think it doesn't EXIST!! (kind of like good parents...just coz i didn't have 'em, i would rather feel that no one did, and i know that is equally untrue, but, at this point in my life, this nudge of reality is easier to accept...i hope you will forgive me!)
hang in there, uv. i guess in a way, it is ok to send your love, and really, love given away without expectation of it's return IS true love. so, send those hearts, know you've analyzed the many facets of them, but, if he can't take the fact that he is important to you (and i KNOW he can) than pooey on him!! really uv, loving your therapist IS normal, i would say! it is the angst of it's return in a way that would cross their boundaries is the catch that hurts..if you can accept that catch in the deal, then, send away!! hearts to YOU!! jill
Wow, jill...I think that was a pretty insightful response.
I think that UV is onto something here, with the laughter at her dad's yelling, and the laughter at the heart texts. There is something in that, really important. And,interestingly it's exactly the kind of thing that (angry) 12 year olds do. I did not know it was possible to get "stuck" at an age developmentally...and I would love some more info or your thoughts on that, since I often get the impression that I am a kid in an an adult's body...but I know absolutely nothing about it in terms of psychological theories or whatever. I wonder why and where that kind of thing comes from...is it that something so bad happened at that age, you just stayed there instead of moving past it? It seems like if it was that bad, a person would want to grow up even faster, from my perspective...How is staying developmentally stuck a reaction to what happened, I wonder. Just pondering what is written here...how are things in T, lately, UV?
BB
I think that UV is onto something here, with the laughter at her dad's yelling, and the laughter at the heart texts. There is something in that, really important. And,interestingly it's exactly the kind of thing that (angry) 12 year olds do. I did not know it was possible to get "stuck" at an age developmentally...and I would love some more info or your thoughts on that, since I often get the impression that I am a kid in an an adult's body...but I know absolutely nothing about it in terms of psychological theories or whatever. I wonder why and where that kind of thing comes from...is it that something so bad happened at that age, you just stayed there instead of moving past it? It seems like if it was that bad, a person would want to grow up even faster, from my perspective...How is staying developmentally stuck a reaction to what happened, I wonder. Just pondering what is written here...how are things in T, lately, UV?
BB