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Hi Deepfried,
You’re not losing your mind, you’re breaking through a lifetime of denial. Hard, confusing work so it’s ok to be compassionate with yourself.(Just think of someone else and how you’d treat them if they were experiencing it, then treat yourself that way as much as you’re able.
)
And I guarantee that if your T has any experience at all, she won’t think you’re crazy, she’ll think that you’re engaged in a difficult struggle right now. It was actually a VERY healthy thing to do, to reach out to her for help because you were feeling overwhelmed by your feelings and realizations. That’s what a healthy human being does when they face something too big to handle alone, they move towards their connections for help.
I am sorry that you are having to come to grips with something so painful as realizing your parents are sadistic. I had similar shocks along the way about who and what my parents were. But don’t start kicking yourself for not seeing it before. Or for the fact that it’s an utterly terrifying realization. When we’re children, our parents, despite ANYTHING they do, must remain “good” because our life depends on them. If they’re not good, then where does that leave us? Add to that, that every child’s family is a world entire onto itself for years (before you head out into the wider world) so whatever happens there “must” be how it is, so you don’t think “hey, this messed up.” You deal with a lot of bad, scary, overwhelming feelings and try to make sense of them. But you don’t ever assume the source of badness is your parents, it’s literally too threatening to your sense of survival to entertain, let alone believe, such thoughts. So there is a good reason you haven’t been able to see this until now.
And that reason is also the source of your hope. You’re seeing this now, because you are strong enough to face it. Despite how overwhelming it can feel (which is VERY, I know) you are capable of dealing with this, and actually accepting the truth will help you to make a lot more sense of your life when you can actually admit and understand what is a major factor in understanding yourself. And its ok that you still have a connection, because you are no longer a powerless child, you’re an adult and capable of protecting yourself even in the face of sadism from your parents. And last but least, you’re worry that you’re sadistic. I spent years, if not decades, fearing I would become my father, but it never happened. No matter what happens to us, once our life is our own, we can decide to be the person we want to be. (Don’t get me wrong, for some people that is an incredible uphill battle because of the level of abuse they faced.) Your parents don’t decide what kind of person you will be, you decide that. There may be a huge amount of scary, confusing,chaotic hard work to free yourself enough from what happened to you in order to make your own decisions about who you’ll be, but ultimately it will be your decision.
I hope you hear back from your T and she provides the compassion you deserve. Hang in there, and let us know how it goes.
AG
You’re not losing your mind, you’re breaking through a lifetime of denial. Hard, confusing work so it’s ok to be compassionate with yourself.(Just think of someone else and how you’d treat them if they were experiencing it, then treat yourself that way as much as you’re able.
) And I guarantee that if your T has any experience at all, she won’t think you’re crazy, she’ll think that you’re engaged in a difficult struggle right now. It was actually a VERY healthy thing to do, to reach out to her for help because you were feeling overwhelmed by your feelings and realizations. That’s what a healthy human being does when they face something too big to handle alone, they move towards their connections for help.
I am sorry that you are having to come to grips with something so painful as realizing your parents are sadistic. I had similar shocks along the way about who and what my parents were. But don’t start kicking yourself for not seeing it before. Or for the fact that it’s an utterly terrifying realization. When we’re children, our parents, despite ANYTHING they do, must remain “good” because our life depends on them. If they’re not good, then where does that leave us? Add to that, that every child’s family is a world entire onto itself for years (before you head out into the wider world) so whatever happens there “must” be how it is, so you don’t think “hey, this messed up.” You deal with a lot of bad, scary, overwhelming feelings and try to make sense of them. But you don’t ever assume the source of badness is your parents, it’s literally too threatening to your sense of survival to entertain, let alone believe, such thoughts. So there is a good reason you haven’t been able to see this until now.
And that reason is also the source of your hope. You’re seeing this now, because you are strong enough to face it. Despite how overwhelming it can feel (which is VERY, I know) you are capable of dealing with this, and actually accepting the truth will help you to make a lot more sense of your life when you can actually admit and understand what is a major factor in understanding yourself. And its ok that you still have a connection, because you are no longer a powerless child, you’re an adult and capable of protecting yourself even in the face of sadism from your parents. And last but least, you’re worry that you’re sadistic. I spent years, if not decades, fearing I would become my father, but it never happened. No matter what happens to us, once our life is our own, we can decide to be the person we want to be. (Don’t get me wrong, for some people that is an incredible uphill battle because of the level of abuse they faced.) Your parents don’t decide what kind of person you will be, you decide that. There may be a huge amount of scary, confusing,chaotic hard work to free yourself enough from what happened to you in order to make your own decisions about who you’ll be, but ultimately it will be your decision.
I hope you hear back from your T and she provides the compassion you deserve. Hang in there, and let us know how it goes.
AG
(((((deepfried)))))
I remember when things about my own family hit me really hard. I can tell you it gets easier, eventually, to figure out how to navigate it. And thankfully, you have your T, who knows how they are, to talk to about it, about if you are safe or not. She likely doesn't think you are crazy at all! just hurting and scared.
I don't have any words of advice... just hugs.
I remember when things about my own family hit me really hard. I can tell you it gets easier, eventually, to figure out how to navigate it. And thankfully, you have your T, who knows how they are, to talk to about it, about if you are safe or not. She likely doesn't think you are crazy at all! just hurting and scared.
I don't have any words of advice... just hugs.
I can't really add much of anything more helpful than what was already said, but I wanted to say that I hear you and can see why that would be so upsetting. It is very hard when reality starts to creep in. I'm sorry. (((hugs)))
Hi DF,
I'm sorry that things are so tough right now, though I'm glad you were able to talk to your T. I don't have much that can probably be of any help to you...I guess I just wanted to say that I understanding how confusing, frustrating, and seemingly impossible it can be to think about things when you have so many different conflicting opinions about it all. I can also understand your fear of believing anything, because (I'm kind of guessing here..tell me if I'm wrong) you fear that whatever you choose to believe will be the 'wrong' choice and will make everything that much worse. And then where does that leave you? It's so tough, DF.
Big hugs,
Kashley
I'm sorry that things are so tough right now, though I'm glad you were able to talk to your T. I don't have much that can probably be of any help to you...I guess I just wanted to say that I understanding how confusing, frustrating, and seemingly impossible it can be to think about things when you have so many different conflicting opinions about it all. I can also understand your fear of believing anything, because (I'm kind of guessing here..tell me if I'm wrong) you fear that whatever you choose to believe will be the 'wrong' choice and will make everything that much worse. And then where does that leave you? It's so tough, DF.
Big hugs,
Kashley