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deepfried
I could have written every single word of your post a few years ago, honestly I just read it and thought 'that was me'. So maybe that will encourage you because you CAN feel again and feel about the past too.
My T though always knew that I had to feel the emotions and sensations of the past before I could move on, it was my extreme fear of emotion that had me dissociating so badly. And there was no magic cure, but I think I got to exactlty where you are and said to her that I didn't feel as if I could ever progress until I allowed myself to feel. I remember she just smiled, but probably thought to herself 'at last!!'...but everything like that has always got to come from me, elseit doesn't work. So we went again (zillionth time) over some of the past and this time we agreed before we started that she would ask me questions about feelings and sensations and I would do all I could to stay present and not dissociate so quickly. It's work in progress and a slow process, but I can do it much more than I could tolerate before. AND I've cried with her a few times now, that's pretty huge for me....AND all the tears and the feeling has been ok. It's been so very sad and hard at times and I have gone to deep, painful places, but have come away afterwards ok and with a sense of being real to myself and my experiences.
Gosh I don't know if that helps or answers your question. I wonder if you could start by just telling your T that although you are aware that it's hard for you, that you really want to get in connection with some of these emotions and feelings and could she help you? I don't think I could start processing stuff until I had felt the strong emotions attached to it - but that's only how it is for me.
Good luck deepfried,
starfish
I could have written every single word of your post a few years ago, honestly I just read it and thought 'that was me'. So maybe that will encourage you because you CAN feel again and feel about the past too.
My T though always knew that I had to feel the emotions and sensations of the past before I could move on, it was my extreme fear of emotion that had me dissociating so badly. And there was no magic cure, but I think I got to exactlty where you are and said to her that I didn't feel as if I could ever progress until I allowed myself to feel. I remember she just smiled, but probably thought to herself 'at last!!'...but everything like that has always got to come from me, elseit doesn't work. So we went again (zillionth time) over some of the past and this time we agreed before we started that she would ask me questions about feelings and sensations and I would do all I could to stay present and not dissociate so quickly. It's work in progress and a slow process, but I can do it much more than I could tolerate before. AND I've cried with her a few times now, that's pretty huge for me....AND all the tears and the feeling has been ok. It's been so very sad and hard at times and I have gone to deep, painful places, but have come away afterwards ok and with a sense of being real to myself and my experiences.
Gosh I don't know if that helps or answers your question. I wonder if you could start by just telling your T that although you are aware that it's hard for you, that you really want to get in connection with some of these emotions and feelings and could she help you? I don't think I could start processing stuff until I had felt the strong emotions attached to it - but that's only how it is for me.
Good luck deepfried,
starfish
DF I can really sympathize with where you’re at. I have a huge problem with feeling what I feel (though over the years I’ve become more adept at recognizing THAT I’m feeling, even though I don’t always know what, and still can’t just feel.)
Your comment that T wants to start processing soon makes me wonder what does she mean by ‘processing’ and what do you understand that means? To me, processing IS feeling, or at least, being able to feel and work through those feelings. So maybe that is her plan anyway?
As SF says, maybe you need to suggest to your T that you want to start dealing with feelings themselves. Maybe she is just waiting for the moment when you feel ready and willing?
For me, I’ve always gone into every single T I’ve ever seen saying: I want to get in touch with how I feel. Not very many of them seem to have understood what I meant (??? why not???) I’ve gone along expecting some simple (and rather obvious) questions, such as ‘how do you feel’
and instead of questions focusing on how I feel I get caught up in a lot of cognitive stuff, including talking ABOUT feelings, without ever really getting the chance to express them.
What sort of approach does your T have? Is she mainly CBT? Just that there are some styles of therapy that focus more on changing thinking/beliefs than on digging into the underlying emotional bases for how we are and maybe your T is concentrating more on that because that’s how she perceives where you are at the moment.
For what it’s worth, I believe that it’s not always possible to go into or think about how you feel on your own - there will be good reasons for the blocks and restraints on feeling feelings and that’s where a T who is comfortable and familiar with feelings and actively welcomes them in therapy is so valuable.
Sounds to me like maybe you need to talk to her about this - check out whether she understands what you are trying to tell her, and whether helping you recognize and experience your feelings is actually part of her approach or not.
Sounds like you are recognizing internally that it’s important to deal with your feelings, that seems like a pretty positive step forward.
LL
Your comment that T wants to start processing soon makes me wonder what does she mean by ‘processing’ and what do you understand that means? To me, processing IS feeling, or at least, being able to feel and work through those feelings. So maybe that is her plan anyway?
As SF says, maybe you need to suggest to your T that you want to start dealing with feelings themselves. Maybe she is just waiting for the moment when you feel ready and willing?
For me, I’ve always gone into every single T I’ve ever seen saying: I want to get in touch with how I feel. Not very many of them seem to have understood what I meant (??? why not???) I’ve gone along expecting some simple (and rather obvious) questions, such as ‘how do you feel’
and instead of questions focusing on how I feel I get caught up in a lot of cognitive stuff, including talking ABOUT feelings, without ever really getting the chance to express them.What sort of approach does your T have? Is she mainly CBT? Just that there are some styles of therapy that focus more on changing thinking/beliefs than on digging into the underlying emotional bases for how we are and maybe your T is concentrating more on that because that’s how she perceives where you are at the moment.
For what it’s worth, I believe that it’s not always possible to go into or think about how you feel on your own - there will be good reasons for the blocks and restraints on feeling feelings and that’s where a T who is comfortable and familiar with feelings and actively welcomes them in therapy is so valuable.
Sounds to me like maybe you need to talk to her about this - check out whether she understands what you are trying to tell her, and whether helping you recognize and experience your feelings is actually part of her approach or not.
Sounds like you are recognizing internally that it’s important to deal with your feelings, that seems like a pretty positive step forward.
LL
Hey Deepfried,
The way starfish explained things is prety much my experience too and like LL said, I was under the impression that processing is learning to understand and feel your experiences. By doing so, it makes them less fearful, and smaller somehow. We who have experienced trauma early in life are hit with stuff our young minds have no wiring- no connections no means of taking in the experience and dealing with it. We are just blindsided and react or don't react, freeze- numb out.... so nothing gets processed. Processing means getting in touch with those experiences- and living through them, experiencing them from a distance and feeling the experience. Different therapists do this in different ways, but I only understand what my T does as I have only been to one T. He asks me where I feel things in my body. He feels the body holds the memories. Then we talk about what comes up. For the longest time though, I could feel nothing in my body, and I did not get it. But like anything- in therapy, it is a process and it takes time. It sounds like you are asking the right questions and you are right where you should be.
I wish you the best as things unfold for you. It is not easy, but stick with it- for it is worth it.
Mayo
The way starfish explained things is prety much my experience too and like LL said, I was under the impression that processing is learning to understand and feel your experiences. By doing so, it makes them less fearful, and smaller somehow. We who have experienced trauma early in life are hit with stuff our young minds have no wiring- no connections no means of taking in the experience and dealing with it. We are just blindsided and react or don't react, freeze- numb out.... so nothing gets processed. Processing means getting in touch with those experiences- and living through them, experiencing them from a distance and feeling the experience. Different therapists do this in different ways, but I only understand what my T does as I have only been to one T. He asks me where I feel things in my body. He feels the body holds the memories. Then we talk about what comes up. For the longest time though, I could feel nothing in my body, and I did not get it. But like anything- in therapy, it is a process and it takes time. It sounds like you are asking the right questions and you are right where you should be.
I wish you the best as things unfold for you. It is not easy, but stick with it- for it is worth it.
Mayo
Deepfried, thanks for explaining what you mean by ‘processing’ yeah EMDR is something different altogether from what I imagined your T meant. I haven’t had experience of EMDR (there are a couple of threads around, one of them from quite a long time ago) where people explain their experiences of EMDR, you might want to look those up to get a feel for how emotions are dealt with in the process.
You know I couldn’t tell you right now which therapy or approach has helped me with feelings - I’d have to say NONE lol - I tended to go for the humanistic therapists believing that they dealt specifically with getting in touch with feelings but found that every single one of them did everything BUT be interested in how I was feeling, including those who were ostensibly trained to focus on feelings (person centred, gestalt). What I have learnt is that not all Ts care how we feel, not necessarily inhumanly, just that they seem to see feelings as a ‘problem’ to be resolved rather than expressed and experienced.
I was actually finding myself point blank saying to different Ts ‘I need you to ask me how I’m feeling’ and I STILL couldn’t get them to do it. And a bit like is happening with you and your T - whenever I did manage to shed a tear or two I got the sense they were just waiting for me to ‘get over it’ so we could get back to talking ABOUT it, rather than them encouraging me to describe what and how I was actually feeling.
These days I really push it myself by checking out first - saying things like, ‘is it ok for me to express anger at you? Is it ok for me to be unreasonable and irrational towards you? I’m too intellectually rigid to feel something spontaneous, can you help me bypass my rationalizing and focus on how I’m feeling instead?’ All sorts of things to prod them into understanding what I needed, and also as a way of checking out whether it would be safe for me to try and feel in sessions.
It sounds like your T is shying away from encouraging you to get in touch with feelings - perhaps she is afraid that it would be too much for you at this point? Or maybe her approach is such that she believes whatever work you are doing doesn’t require an understanding of how you are specifically feeling, that the EMDR will ‘resolve’ all the feelings without her needing to know what you are feeling?
Hm reading further into your post - I am surprised you feel that if you talked about your experiencing T as cold and seemingly uncaring that she will use that as an opportunity to get rid of you. I get what you mean about the cold uncaring front making it really hard to be open and express stuff - at the same time it sounds as if you are having some doubts about how this T works anyway - so you seem to be in a position where you are going to HAVE to say something. I seriously doubt that she would terminate you just because you are trying to express how uncomfortable you are feeling with her (that most definitely is within a T’s remit, to take such feelings seriously and try and understand what’s going on.)
It’s also very much within a T’s remit to accept that trust takes a looooong time to develop and I’d be pretty sure that if you told her that you just don’t trust her that much (yet) she would be totally accepting of that. I’d expect her to take it seriously enough to work with you on ways of increasing your trust.
No matter what, it sounds as if you are at a point where you need to bring all these concerns up with her. Whatever her response, it’s something you need to get clear for your own sake. I hope you can bring yourself to start talking to her about feelings and trust next session - big risk but sounds like what you need to do. Hope it goes well for you, keep us posted.
LL
You know I couldn’t tell you right now which therapy or approach has helped me with feelings - I’d have to say NONE lol - I tended to go for the humanistic therapists believing that they dealt specifically with getting in touch with feelings but found that every single one of them did everything BUT be interested in how I was feeling, including those who were ostensibly trained to focus on feelings (person centred, gestalt). What I have learnt is that not all Ts care how we feel, not necessarily inhumanly, just that they seem to see feelings as a ‘problem’ to be resolved rather than expressed and experienced.
I was actually finding myself point blank saying to different Ts ‘I need you to ask me how I’m feeling’ and I STILL couldn’t get them to do it. And a bit like is happening with you and your T - whenever I did manage to shed a tear or two I got the sense they were just waiting for me to ‘get over it’ so we could get back to talking ABOUT it, rather than them encouraging me to describe what and how I was actually feeling.
These days I really push it myself by checking out first - saying things like, ‘is it ok for me to express anger at you? Is it ok for me to be unreasonable and irrational towards you? I’m too intellectually rigid to feel something spontaneous, can you help me bypass my rationalizing and focus on how I’m feeling instead?’ All sorts of things to prod them into understanding what I needed, and also as a way of checking out whether it would be safe for me to try and feel in sessions.
It sounds like your T is shying away from encouraging you to get in touch with feelings - perhaps she is afraid that it would be too much for you at this point? Or maybe her approach is such that she believes whatever work you are doing doesn’t require an understanding of how you are specifically feeling, that the EMDR will ‘resolve’ all the feelings without her needing to know what you are feeling?
Hm reading further into your post - I am surprised you feel that if you talked about your experiencing T as cold and seemingly uncaring that she will use that as an opportunity to get rid of you. I get what you mean about the cold uncaring front making it really hard to be open and express stuff - at the same time it sounds as if you are having some doubts about how this T works anyway - so you seem to be in a position where you are going to HAVE to say something. I seriously doubt that she would terminate you just because you are trying to express how uncomfortable you are feeling with her (that most definitely is within a T’s remit, to take such feelings seriously and try and understand what’s going on.)
It’s also very much within a T’s remit to accept that trust takes a looooong time to develop and I’d be pretty sure that if you told her that you just don’t trust her that much (yet) she would be totally accepting of that. I’d expect her to take it seriously enough to work with you on ways of increasing your trust.
No matter what, it sounds as if you are at a point where you need to bring all these concerns up with her. Whatever her response, it’s something you need to get clear for your own sake. I hope you can bring yourself to start talking to her about feelings and trust next session - big risk but sounds like what you need to do. Hope it goes well for you, keep us posted.
LL
Deepfried,
I'm so pleased to hear how your session went. It sounds like your T was very reassuring and responsive. I hope that you can continue to feel her caring and move slowly into a place where you feel safe with the feelings. It is a long process for sure. I know that I definitely have that back and forth of feeling T's caring and very connected to her and then I pull way back and freak out and then we talk about it and things are good again. For what its worth, we have less of that as time goes on. It does get easier.
I'm so pleased to hear how your session went. It sounds like your T was very reassuring and responsive. I hope that you can continue to feel her caring and move slowly into a place where you feel safe with the feelings. It is a long process for sure. I know that I definitely have that back and forth of feeling T's caring and very connected to her and then I pull way back and freak out and then we talk about it and things are good again. For what its worth, we have less of that as time goes on. It does get easier.
quote:I feel safe again. I think I just needed to be reassured. I realized I tend to freak out when I get super close to things (like processing, for example) and I really need to put on the breaks and make 100% sure the situation is safe.
Holy shit Deepfried! (can I say shit on here- no offense to anyone)
I could have written your last post. Maybe this is why I freak out too! I had never thought of that. Thanks!
I had a session on Wed. and usually strong stuff (usually good, but not always) comes up the next day and I txt my T and let him know whats up- (cuz I still don't feel much in session) My T mentioned EMDR again (tried it 2x not much success because I couldn't find a safe place) Thursday morning I awoke feeling sad, alone and wanting to run and hide from my life. Maybe his mentioning the EMDR triggered something. I wish I knew what, though. Fear of processing- huh... I'll have to think about that.
I recently told him to make me work because I would gladly sit with him for the entire hour and chit chat with him about surface stuff. He says he senses me pulling away, but in session I ignore some of the things he says without realizing it till later.
When I txt-ed him on Thursday- he did not answer right away (I'm cool with that now- because I know he will answer eventually) but when he did- he has the right message.
My freak-outs do not last (literally - thank God)- usually about a day. It is a combination of serious alone and forgotten feelings and hyper-activity, high anxiety.
Huh- this shows growth, I have never been able to put these feelings into words.
Anyway- that was the long way of saying I can truly relate to your feelings. I wonder if we have similar stories. I have trouble filling in some gaps in my memories, but I remember enough to know that it wasn't good.
See Ya- thanks for the insights.