Hi DF,

Just wondering if feel especially disconnected right now? Is the termination tomorrow? Could that be it? You are losing something really important to you ... an important source of support.

The only story I can tell you is that recently I've wanted to sleep with my best friends husband. I haven't but I woke up one night and I knew my friend was away and I really had to hold myself back from leaving my house and climbing into his bed with him. This stuff has all been coming up since the recent conflicts with my T and the subsequent instability in the relationship. I didn't tell my T that I really had to hold myself back from leaving my house to sleep with my BF's hubby but I have told him in the past that I wanted to sleep with this man and that I actually cancelled a sailing date. I've never cheated on my husband and I'm not sure what is behind my behavior too except that this was all going on while I was feeling especially distant from my T. Does this help at all?

DF, i don't know. i don't know what that is a symptom of, and really, that point doesn't matter. what matters is this feeling that you want to get yourself into a bad place.

pardon me if this is rude, but, not that you are trying to get attention here, you are trying to talk about it. but, in your real life, are you maybe trying to get someone to NOTICE how troubled you are right now by having this bad thing happen?? to get support and empathy??

i think you SHOULD talk to your t about this. i don't think this is an odd thing at all. i think this is where people overeat, or drink, or do any of the many things that rightfully we know aren't good for us, but the immediate pleasure seems worth the long term price you pay. kind of self soothing?

how would you feel if someone knew what you did. your t knew?? would that help clarify your motive? how you answer that??

this self harm deal is, as you know, right in that bpd umbrella, so, t's see this alot.

maybe you just need a little comfort, self comfort. but really df, sleeping with some man is NOT the way to get that. too much risk, sweet friend, please don't do that. ok??

i wish i knew what to suggest, but, doing something good to and good FOR DF seems the answer. treat yourself special. take care of yourself. buy something new (this cured me for too many year$!!)

sort the motive out, i think. that is the key to it. i think. xxoo, jill

HI DF,

I know exactly what you mean when you say you want to disengage from your body. It's like you're trying to escape from yourself but you can't. I didn't know you were losing the group therapy too. That is a lot of support to be losing. And you don't feel that close to the T that you are left with. Have you thought about trying to find a new T?

Oh gosh, the relatives visiting must have been really stressful. Did they stay with you? How long did they visit with you? How have you handled it with the sexual abuse history? Obviously, you still talk to them. No need to elaborate if you are not up to it. I will understand. That just sounds really difficult.

DF, I seem to have a difficult time making those emotional connections. I know it can be really hard. Just try your best to control your urges. Think about how you would feel afterwards. Wrap yourself up tight in a blanket. And, it really wouldn't be a bad idea to discuss it with T.

hI DF,

I just read your last post and wanted to comment because it is something I struggle with also. I always try to be honest with my T about what's going on because I think he should know but I always worry that he's going to think I'm seeking his attention. I don't know a lot about SH but something you mentioned really struck a cord. It was that your parents don't seem to notice how much you hurt. That was/is my scenario exactly. I was on a self-destructive path when I was younger and my parents didn't even notice. I straightened myself out. And, it's really the same with my husband. He doesn't notice if I'm depressed. I hide it from everyone how bad I feel. Isn't that kind of what the SH and the reckless behavior stuff is all about? That you are taking out your anger on yourself? So maybe it's not so much losing the support. You kind of sound like you have a handle on it. Maybe it was the visit afterall. How you feel like you have to hide your pain. Does that make sense? You had to disconnect from all your pain???

Sorry DF, I got a little sidetracked there and forgot to get back to the attention seeking stuff. One day recently, I felt really wierd and was dissociating like crazy. I wrote about it somewhere on a threat so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me but it was a Thursday and my T is off on Fridays. So at first I thought that maybe I'm afraid that I can't contact him over the weekend and that I just really needed to know I could if I needed him. But I felt uncomfortable calling him and asking him that and decided I'd wait until I saw him on Monday. I was afraid he'd think I was "attention seeking". But later, I realized that I was really upset because my husband and daughter were fighting and I was going out that night. I was afraid that my husband would pick a fight with my daughter ... and yes, she was snotty, but deal with that in an appropriate way ... don't engage in snide name calling, etc. Anyway, that's why I was upset. And, so while it would have helped to have called my T, it wasn't really why I was upset. But I did decide that I wasn't attention seeking at all. I was really upset about my husband and fearful for my daughter. I just couldn't make the connection.

So to bring it back to you. Maybe you are really in pain and you need to share it with someone and make that connection. FWIW, it doesn't sound like attention seeking behavior at all. It sounds like someone in pain.

DF, I just have to say that I’m jealous of the way you are handling all these feelings. It's very admirable. My problem is that I have no idea when I’m even engaging in reckless or unsafe behavior… I manage to stay away from most situations that I know are unsafe… but then somehow some just slip by without me knowing until I tell my T about them and he tells me they are unsafe!!

Here’s a story-

I was home alone during the day and decided to call for take-out. The guy who showed up at my door was smokin hot so I asked him if he wanted to have sex…. That’s right… I said “Would you have time to have sex with me?” And he said yes. I didn’t think anything of the whole situation at all… I had fun, it totally was harmless. So then I told my T about the story a couple days later and he said it was unsafe! UNSAFE?!?!?!!?!!??!?! WHAT!!!!!!! HOW WAS IT UNSAFE?????!!??!? I had no idea that it was considered “unsafe.”

quote:

If someone I knew was being all risky I'd try to get to the bottom of it. I'd tell them... don't do that, you're missing something let's find out what it is and take care of that for you.

Weird! This is what my T and I were just talking about on the phone a few minutes ago. He said that what I told him about hanging out with my boyfriend and his band on Friday night was unsafe!!!!! He didn’t even tell me that in session…. When I get to the bottom of these feelings, I’ll let you know what the answer is!

I would love to go to the bar with you and makeout with men. But I won't if you won't k?

Dear Deepfried

i read your thread some days ago, and sorry i didnt reply sooner, I see its grown big now, after your first poster..yet, wanted to just "drop in" to say i relate very much to alot of this urges. I am also sorry if my poster about this topic, was triggering to you, in any way. When these urges sets in, (like lately) i am experience them as both good and scary at the same time.. Its truly a paradox, that what is obviosuly self-destructive activites, also seem to be so temting... as if its something good, you know? Its very powerful in a way- this urges. You asked what these urges is all about? -what i have just came to realize,(after lots of after-reflection and with insightful inputs from forum-members) for me, lately, i think its very related to my therapy. The wanting to test boundaries and see how far i could go, how much T will accept, and where his caring stops..waht T`S boundaries are and so on. I very strong need to find out whether or not my behaviour will be tolerated.. I am trying to force a reaction from T, in that way. Maybe your feelings reagerd to this urges to involve in reckless hehavior, is also deeply connected to your therapy? That you are trying to express something...? I dont think its only a bad thing though. Well, of course s-harming is not the way, but some of these urges can also be transefromed into more contructive and healthy activities.. and finding out what the urges is about, the "deeper meaning" behind it, is potentially a great way to connect deeper with T as well...
ok, have to stop here now. Oh, and sorry if i am only dvelling with your first poster, i didnt have the time to read all the replies either, so i might be very *off* here now comming late. ANyway: hugs and lots of support! ANd if you have any idea how to understand this urges differently, i would gladly like to hear them, as i too struggle a bit with this, and have very mixed feelings regard to it. (((DF)))

quote:

I don't feel like nobody notices how much I hurt, I think they know... the real problem is I can't open up to them to let them help.

Dearest DF, I see this very much in you. I also see, that you are very beautifully caring for others...it shows up even on this board. I think you are a person who, having been forced in past through the terrible abuse you've endured *btw, the objectification of you makes me deeply sad and angry) to see yourself in terms of giving only and being unable to receive love, as receiving care has now an element of dangerous vulnerability or not being in control...for you. Of course! I think that overcoming this is no going to be easy road for you, but I want you to know that it is a worthy endeavor...as you are worthy of love and to be cared about..sweetheart, I wish so much I could be a friend to you in realtime. You are quite a nice person, you know? Please continue to take care of yourself, as you so admirably and bravely do...

much love,

BB

There's a lot more I want to respond to in your posts, I will try and be back later tonight.

DF,

This is in response to your first post in this thread. I haven't had a chance to read through all of the responses yet.

I am like you most of the time. Complete safety lunatic. Seatbelts, helmets, not driving in bad weather etc. However, I do sometimes have these urges to be reckless like you describe. The last time that it hit really really bad was when my T was out of town over a long weekend last summer or spring. I have no idea where it came from, but one of my alters wanted so badly to go to a bar and drink and pick up guys. Totally uncharacteristic of any of us and a sure fire way to lose everything important to me. For sure. I'm married for goodness sakes! It scared me so much because it felt almost like something beyond my control. Looking back, I'm wondering if because I felt abandoned by T being out of touch that I felt like I needed to push everything away that was important to me. The famous, "I don't need anyone" routine and the surest way to guarantee I'd be alone is to have an affair and get drunk.

Luckily, I didn't do any of these things!! Anyway, I'm not sure if that helps you, but I wanted to say that I've been there and it can be really confusing.

DF,

Your group therapy today sounded amazing. Wow, you really got a lot out of that.

I wanted to comment on that I was able to relate my feelings to what was going on in therapy. I think that my sense of safety in the world comes from my T. It doesn't sound like you feel like that with your T, you know, the one you don't really like. But I do. Over the summer and into the fall, however, I was feeling really detached from him, I couldn't connect with him. Whether it was me or he was subtly removing a level of care from me so that I would experience this, I'm not sure. But it was during this time, that I lost my sense of safety and felt like I really had no one to talk to. Things are strained with my husband. I don't have a great relationship with my mother or sister. I don't have many people that I can truly be honest with. And, so, I connected it to that and to a time in my life when things were so bad that I couldn't talk to my own family. So I was (and am) living in a really wierd dual world, where on the outside, I'm presenting one thing but my inside world is it's own cruel brutal entity. Even therapy is different, something I can't talk to too many people about.

It sounds like when your parents are in town, you have to also live this dual reality. And, I find living like that soooo scary. I'll tell you what happened tonight. Maybe you can relate it to when your parents were with you.

The most amazing thing just happened. I was in bed and was freaking out about my son's birthday party coming up. I had so much anxiety about it that I couldn't sleep so I got up. I really felt like I wasn't going to be able to make it through the next 4 days until I see my T. I was thinking about calling tomorrow for an appointment, if he had one. And I was thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts. I've never SH'd but I just felt soooo angry and twisted inside and felt almost like I could. (Geez, do you think I'm being influenced by these threads?) And, I was thinking that my T would think I was just doing this to get his attention. I guess maybe in a way, it is, because I just couldn't handle all that anxiety and worry alone. So, maybe it would have been okay and a good thing to have called him? And, I worry needlessly about the stupid attention getting stuff? But then my husband got out of bed and we just had the first honest conversation that we've had in a long time. So I guess it's even better that my H and I talked. I suddenly don't feel so alone in the world. And, my anxiety lessened and all that crazy stuff I was feeling inside.

But I was lucky tonight that my husband was so responsive. I don't know how you would feel about sharing your feelings with your parents?

Oh DF, I forgot to ask you what you meant or what your T meant when she said you were having a lot of PTSD reactions now???? Do you think that's related to the urges?

Deepfried

Wow that sounded like a really good group session, well done for getting that said there - that took courage. And interesting to read that your group T sees you zone out a bit at times too - might you be able to mention that to your T? It might help validate what you've been feeling all along?

quote:

I'm almost on my way to work, but I wanted to stop in really quick and say thank you for your reply. I do live in a dual reality actually with everyone, very few people know I am in therapy and even fewer know what my problems are. My parents do not know what is going on, but it really isn't safe for them to know right now

You're not on your own with that ....I think there are many on this forum who haven't told those they work with, friends, certain family members etc that they are in therapy...myself included. I guess I can't be sure of people's understanding or reaction, so for me it's definitely not worth aking the risk.

Oh and Liese, I'm really glad you were able to have that conversation with your husband too. Souns like that was exactly what you needed .... do hope that the party goes well too

starfish