Hey Beebs... I read this post with interest and I'm not sure what is really going on with you wanting to think you are bad and evil all the time but I would like to offer something for you to consider...

As children when we are mistreated or abused we don't have a lot of coping skills and we desperately need our parents/caregivers to survive in life. We need food, shelter, care and love. If our caregivers act abusive we get scared and we are made to feel that WE are the bad ones and we have to keep them as the "good" ones because we cannot risk losing them. We also accept that if we are bad and then work really hard or try to figure out why we are bad we can then fix it and be the "good" ones too and then we will "earn" their love and caring. A child cannot place their parent/caregiver on whom they are very dependent into the bad or abusive category as that would too frightening to a child so in a child's mind then they must be bad or evil and that they "made" the parent angry or violent or abusive.

I don't know much about your childhood BeeBee and I do know that you say you had no "real" trauma but I get the feeling that there must have been something going on to make you feel as if you are evil or bad. Especially because we know what a kind and gentle and generous person you really are. I also wanted to mention that your feelings of being a child or young or childish (in your other post) that comes I think from childhood development gone awry... not having had the developmental stages progress normally. It is common in trauma survivors.

I'm glad you have such a good SD and that you can see him for long periods and talk to him. I fully support this for spiritual guidance as I know how important your religion is for you and I respect that totally. My concern here is that you say your SD has no psychological training or background. My fear is that you will end up in some really deep issues in your meetings with him and he will then be out of his depth and be unable to help you contain the feelings that get stirred up. I'm not saying at all that this will even happen I just have some concerns about his lack of experience and psychological knowledge. We all know how lack of experience screwed me up big time with my old T.

Take it slowly BeeBee and be good to yourself. One step at a time... therapy moves very slowly but at some point you will see that you are moving in the right direction.

Hugs to you
TN

BB
I can't add anything, but I found your post very interesting. What is an SD? Spiritual too- this sounds wonderful.

I can relate to the bad child/ bad person feelings. I became the black sheep of the family- so to speak.

It creeps in sometimes- the bad stuff feelings, not worthy, almost agraid of my self, my anger.

BB,

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to respond before you deleted. I did read quickly earlier, but couldn't respond (kids came in the room). I am glad that your SD has been helpful and allows you the time you need to open up and talk. I share some of the same concerns that TN pointed out, but can't really elaborate more without reviewing the original post.

I agree also with TN. Keep moving forward and you will get where you want to go. Just take it slow and be gentle with yourself.

Hey BB,

I also got to quickly look at your post earlier before you deleted...it is perfectly fine that you deleted, too. I completely understand why you did it, especially as I'm struggling to keep my other mega post up! But I just want to tell you that I was so glad for you to read how much your SD has been helping you. I don't want to discourage you from talking to him at all, but I also can't help but agree with TN and STRM about the concern that he doesn't have any background in psychological training. It is wonderful, however, that he has been so great for you, and he seems very knowledgable about a lot of psychological concepts. I remember, on your thread about dissociation, what you said he asked you (about being behind a veil) and my T has asked me the exact same question before as well. Just thought I'd mention that, because it struck me as being very observant and knowledgable...but, nonetheless, I'm still a little worried.

Anyway, big hugs to you, Beebs. ((((BB)))) You are making progress, even if it feels like it's at a snail's pace.

Hi Beebs... sorry for not getting back to this thread. It's certainly fine for you to take down your original post. You need to do what is most comfortable for you. I just want to say I'm glad that what I have posted has helped you to understand further some issues that you deal with. You are welcome to use anything from me in talking with your T or SD.

I hope you are doing okay today. Remember, one day at a time.

Hugs to you
TN