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LadyGray you have nothing to be ashamed of. I do agree with DF in that your T was trying to convey to you just how strong and resilient you are and also how creative you were in developing ways to cope with the trauma and heartbreak that life threw at you. She may not have put this too tactfully and she left you feeling unsettled which was unfortunate. I would hope she didn't mean to do that.
Like DF again, I wonder if she was trying to sound you out on just how desperate and depressed you felt during certain periods of your life and she may be asking if you ever had suicidal thoughts or ideation. I truly don't think she was judging your life or how you lived it except to say that you are an amazing person.
I will tell you about my newT who said something startling like this to me recently. I had only been seeing him for about 6 weeks after a traumatic, horrible abandonment by my oldT of almost 3 years. When I told him some of the story of what happened and how my T ended our relationship and abandoned me totally... my newT looked at me and said "he is lucky he didn't kill you. You could have died." I think that really shook me up and made me realize just how awful the experience was that I endured and how it would have done in some other people who were less strong and less resilient than I was... even though I was tettering on what seemed like total madness and loss of my coherent self at times... I survived the abandonment and the awful weeks that followed. And oddly enough it did make me realize that I am a strong person and have a strong will to survive the horror I have faced in my life.
I do think you need to mention your concerns to your T and get clarification on it.
BTW, not sure if I have said before that it is nice to meet you and look forward to your participation in our community here. Welcome.
TN
Like DF again, I wonder if she was trying to sound you out on just how desperate and depressed you felt during certain periods of your life and she may be asking if you ever had suicidal thoughts or ideation. I truly don't think she was judging your life or how you lived it except to say that you are an amazing person.
I will tell you about my newT who said something startling like this to me recently. I had only been seeing him for about 6 weeks after a traumatic, horrible abandonment by my oldT of almost 3 years. When I told him some of the story of what happened and how my T ended our relationship and abandoned me totally... my newT looked at me and said "he is lucky he didn't kill you. You could have died." I think that really shook me up and made me realize just how awful the experience was that I endured and how it would have done in some other people who were less strong and less resilient than I was... even though I was tettering on what seemed like total madness and loss of my coherent self at times... I survived the abandonment and the awful weeks that followed. And oddly enough it did make me realize that I am a strong person and have a strong will to survive the horror I have faced in my life.
I do think you need to mention your concerns to your T and get clarification on it.
BTW, not sure if I have said before that it is nice to meet you and look forward to your participation in our community here. Welcome.
TN
LadyGrey
I'm so glad you came here for some feedback.
I would have a pretty mixed reaction to what your T said, I can understand why it was concerning.
I think the way she is brining up sucide is kinda odd. I'm not sure what she quite means, or what is behind her bringing that up - probably a good thing to ask her more about?
What I read in what you say here... is that there is probably a lot of grief. For me, when I have connected with people from my life 10 years ago, it's really hard. While none of them have been T's I have been through enough in life that was public enough that I get a simillar - "wow, I can't believe you have survived this..." kind of responses. heck, even from friends who have only known me for a short while sometimes say this. I don't want to be the girl who has survived a lot of bad stuff. I want to be the girl who has had a good life... and the comments, touch on that. I will sometimes turn my grief in on myself. I will feel like I am a bad person for having gone through a lot of hard things... oh, just this weekend, a very dear friend said something so meaning to encourage me, by saying look at what you have survived... and all it brought was grief that quickly turned into shame. I don't know what it is like for you, but I have learning that sometimes feelings of shame are a way that we try to control pain and saddness over things we could not control. If it's all our fault, then at least something was under our control... and all we would have had to do... is be better... and that just is not how life works... and that is really scary for a lot of people.
I think it makes a lot of sense to be upset about what your T said.
I think your T was actually trying to be encouraging, but perhaps in not the most tactful way and by emphasising the tough stuff you have been through a bit. She may have had a lot of reasons for this.
I don't think you are reacting. I think your reaction maybe might a little have to do with more than just your T's words, but the pain of what is true about them - life hasn't turned out like you wanted. You have been through really tough stuff. And you are not pathetic! Not by any means at all. You are amazing. It might be really hard to believe... but it is true.
And I would, if you can, try to talk with your T about how her words felt. She would want to know. There have been times where my T has tried to encourage me and I have had to explain, "I know you are trying to encourage me, but this is how this feels..." and then my T is better able to know me, support me, and I can better deal with the reasons why her words didn't encourage me but actually bothered me.
I would really also ask about what is going on with her bringing up the suicide part. It is a little weird, and it might be just for the reason you say, and most of all, don't be embarassed...
I may be totally missing the mark on all of this, and if so, please just ignore this! I get a bit rambly and I'm kind of a mess.
But- I won't take back this: You have nothing to be ashamed or embarassed of. You have a lot to be proud of.
~ jane
I'm so glad you came here for some feedback.
I would have a pretty mixed reaction to what your T said, I can understand why it was concerning.
I think the way she is brining up sucide is kinda odd. I'm not sure what she quite means, or what is behind her bringing that up - probably a good thing to ask her more about?
quote:I guess I wished so badly that I could have gotten back into touch with her after all of these years to tell her how wonderful my life turned out.
What I read in what you say here... is that there is probably a lot of grief. For me, when I have connected with people from my life 10 years ago, it's really hard. While none of them have been T's I have been through enough in life that was public enough that I get a simillar - "wow, I can't believe you have survived this..." kind of responses. heck, even from friends who have only known me for a short while sometimes say this. I don't want to be the girl who has survived a lot of bad stuff. I want to be the girl who has had a good life... and the comments, touch on that. I will sometimes turn my grief in on myself. I will feel like I am a bad person for having gone through a lot of hard things... oh, just this weekend, a very dear friend said something so meaning to encourage me, by saying look at what you have survived... and all it brought was grief that quickly turned into shame. I don't know what it is like for you, but I have learning that sometimes feelings of shame are a way that we try to control pain and saddness over things we could not control. If it's all our fault, then at least something was under our control... and all we would have had to do... is be better... and that just is not how life works... and that is really scary for a lot of people.
I think it makes a lot of sense to be upset about what your T said.
I think your T was actually trying to be encouraging, but perhaps in not the most tactful way and by emphasising the tough stuff you have been through a bit. She may have had a lot of reasons for this.
I don't think you are reacting. I think your reaction maybe might a little have to do with more than just your T's words, but the pain of what is true about them - life hasn't turned out like you wanted. You have been through really tough stuff. And you are not pathetic! Not by any means at all. You are amazing. It might be really hard to believe... but it is true.
And I would, if you can, try to talk with your T about how her words felt. She would want to know. There have been times where my T has tried to encourage me and I have had to explain, "I know you are trying to encourage me, but this is how this feels..." and then my T is better able to know me, support me, and I can better deal with the reasons why her words didn't encourage me but actually bothered me.
I would really also ask about what is going on with her bringing up the suicide part. It is a little weird, and it might be just for the reason you say, and most of all, don't be embarassed...
I may be totally missing the mark on all of this, and if so, please just ignore this! I get a bit rambly and I'm kind of a mess.
But- I won't take back this: You have nothing to be ashamed or embarassed of. You have a lot to be proud of.
~ jane
I agree with what others have said. While it may not have been worded well and I'm sure was awful to hear, I don't think your T meant it at face value. I think she was probably trying to point out how strong you really are and perhaps also feel you out to see how well you are coping in the here and now. I know that my T has made statements along these lines before (not suicide), but how it is amazing that I survived etc. I'm sorry that her comment was hurtful and I think perhaps that clarifying with your T about what she really meant could open up some great dialogue between you two.
quote:"Your life has been one heartache after another. You are sitting on a mountain of sadness. I'm amazed that you are still alive and have not taken your life given all that has happened in your life. Many people in your shoes who have experienced just one or two of the things you've been through in the past year alone end up taking their own life".
I am sorry, I am in a real rush this morning so have not read the rest of the posts, but she has not said anything about how pathetic your life is, she has heard the SADNESS, the PAIN and she feels for you, - i see this comment as a really heartfelt recognition of the amazing difficulites you have been through and a real statement as to your courage and tenacity. She is almost in awe of you for your ability to keep going when you have been thrown so many loops. When someone hears my story for the first time, this is the responce I often get and i always feel quite stunned by it, in that I am USED to my life, but it is true - I have been to hell and back and I am still here amazingly - many people would have given up years ago, and it sort of helps that people recognise the pain I have gone through.
Must dash - but hugs anyway.
HI LG,
Just wanted to say hi also. I had a P in high school and thereafter. He was more of a friend. I didn't talk about deep issues with him. He would just do kind of college and career counseling with me. I just saw him recently after 20 years. I, too, wished I could go back and tell him how wonderful my life turned out but I couldn't either. Life is hard. I know there are a lot of people out there who think life is one big party but eventually the hardness, the loss, the pain of life will catch up to them too. For some people, the deck is stacked against them from birth on and life is harder. For others the deck is stacked for them. We only have control only certain things. And the fact that you tend after yourself is one of the things you have control over.
That T worded things a big graphically. And I can see how you or anyone really would react to the word so strongly. I would have done the same thing. It's a word that grabs your attention and has so much emotion attached to it. It's a kind of a "shocking" word, a word people don't use lightly. So it's really a shame that she chose that word. Because it muted her message, which sounds like it was a really positive message - about how strong you are.
Hope you are feeling better by now!
Liese
Just wanted to say hi also. I had a P in high school and thereafter. He was more of a friend. I didn't talk about deep issues with him. He would just do kind of college and career counseling with me. I just saw him recently after 20 years. I, too, wished I could go back and tell him how wonderful my life turned out but I couldn't either. Life is hard. I know there are a lot of people out there who think life is one big party but eventually the hardness, the loss, the pain of life will catch up to them too. For some people, the deck is stacked against them from birth on and life is harder. For others the deck is stacked for them. We only have control only certain things. And the fact that you tend after yourself is one of the things you have control over.
That T worded things a big graphically. And I can see how you or anyone really would react to the word so strongly. I would have done the same thing. It's a word that grabs your attention and has so much emotion attached to it. It's a kind of a "shocking" word, a word people don't use lightly. So it's really a shame that she chose that word. Because it muted her message, which sounds like it was a really positive message - about how strong you are.
Hope you are feeling better by now!
Liese