(((Kashley)))

I can hear the pain in your post. I'm so sorry that things are so hard right now. Can I ask if you have to go back home for such a long period of time? In other words, could you go for a shorter period of time. I hate to see you put into a situation that is so upsetting and triggering for you.

As far as the inability to talk, have you tried writing? Could you write some of what you have written here and give it to your T? I have a set of notecards that I made up for my T and I keep them there for times when I can't speak. They are labeled with common reasons why there is suddenly no ability to talk.

I would encourage you to tell your T what you told us here about your urges to SH vs feelings like you might be suicidal. I'm sure she would want you to reach out to her. I'm sorry you are faced with such a long break. Breaks can be so rough, especially when you are dealing with so much.

Anyway, I hope that you know that you are being thought of and you are cared for. Please keep us posted and keep reaching out. We are here for you.

kashley

Many difficult things all at once for you - a hard session, a long break, getting over exams, a long drive home for a winter break that last year was awful....no wonder it feels so hard for you. That's perfectly understandable.

The breaks are really hard, they put a stop to the momentum of therapy, remind you that you have to work out how to manage yourself at some stage and prevent you from maybe working on things you need to, in case you feel lost as a result....plus of course stirring up any old abandonment issues from yesteryear.

Kashley please keep posting about this, I am so sorry it feels so hard.


starfish

Hi Kashley,

I am really glad you did post, I don't think you take too much at all.

I had so many sessions where I couldn't find the words to say (the inability to talk) and yet I so badly wanted my T to know how I felt yet how could I have possibly told her if I didn't know myself. I do know it is soooo frustrating leaving a session feeling just as confused.

It's hard to have such a long break from your T let alone when things feel awful at home. Is there any way of contacting T and saying you just need her support without her asking what you need to cope. ((((Kashley))))

Hope you keep posting and don't struggle alone with this.

Butterfly

Kashley..I don’t think you are crazy...the feelings are coming from somewhere and from the sound of it, it is somewhere quite painful...you just haven’t placed the source just yet but I am sure you will with time. I know it can be really confusing to feel a real disconnection.

I was never any good at calling T but was very good at emailing

Look after yourself

Butterfly

quote:

My mind and feelings feel so disconnected from these urges. Like my limbs want to do something harmful, but my (rational, logical) mind doesn't know why, and my heart can't feel a reason. But that doesn't seem possible. It seems like I would know - somewhere in me. So I must be making it up. And that's awful of me. Is that crazy?

No, it's not crazy. To me it sounds like dissociated material surfacing and that makes it hard to know and understand where the feelings and urges are coming from. These things get split off and held separately and so they can seem so incongruent when they come up because the feelings don't match with the knowing.