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Oh my sweet df!! I haven't fully read your message - did a quick scan and you are definitely not at square one!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm stuffed - you really need to consider my advanced age - 62! and oh do I feel it but in a good way tonight ( will share the details soon) however I'm off to bed now and not going into the details now - yours, mine or anyone's but thinking of you, caring for you and sending positive thoughts and love.
Catch you very soon
Morgs
Catch you very soon
Morgs
quote:The problem is I feel NOTHING at the time. Does this make sense to anyone?
I hear my T, I take her in... I listen to her... but I don't feel a thing (good or bad) most of the time.
A lot of sense! I know exactly what you're talking about. I also always have to come in the next session and start "you know that thing you said last week...". When she said it: nothing. Then on the way home I start thinking about it, feeling it and everything but when I'm sitting opposite of her, nothing. She told me in the last session that she wants to be on my side. It was the most perfect thing to say at that time and I kind of realized she said something important and it did make me smile but I only realized afterwards how much this touched me.
I know I probably do it because I'm too busy trying to keep my emotions contained and everything. btw, if, one day, you hear me say (or imply) that I did not have a wall up in session, make me realize, that means I'm making progress
And when you say you told her you want to appear like you've got it all together I THINK you are busy trying to do the same thing as I am. I'm not sure I'm supposed to reply to your thread, I'm just going to say you are like me or I am like you anyway
which might be true but if you feel like it's not the case, let me know. I'm not sure how to reply to your other issues. Because you are deciding right now. Deciding what to do and trying not to listen to that voice that tells you you can do it on your own. See? I can't not imply what I want to say, sorry! It is wonderful that you're feeling so safe and confident that you feel like you are going to be alright no matter what (which I agree with, obviously) however, if you know that it's not a good thing to leave therapy and do everything on your own then I think that is the answer. Stick with therapy for a while. That feeling of confidence is not going away just because you keep asking for help. It means that there is help once you stumble.
Nighty night and let Santa work!
quote:The problem is I feel NOTHING at the time. Does this make sense to anyone?
I hear my T, I take her in... I listen to her... but I don't feel a thing (good or bad) most of the time. Then later when I put everything through my system and allow myself to feel then... I'll come up with feelings and process my own stuff. It makes me think what am I even paying my T for!
Deepfried-
Yes to all of this.
I totally get this and have felt the same as you about not needing my T. I have talked to him about this. In truth- he is the guide that brings me to these places that I can later process stuff on my own. Before him - I was in touch with nothing, nothing to process. So for me- the processing in between sessions is growth. I don't feel things in session, but I do now feel things between sessions.
My t will not talk labels, and he says I have PTSD, but I too have some sort of attatchment thing whereby he made me dependent on him because I was dependent on no one for my feelings or my needs. I could trust no one. With the little I've read though, avoidant dismissive seems to fit the way I was, the way I am very slowly learning not to be.
So I hear ya.
I don't have answers, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.
DF,
Yes, I can really relate to what you wrote. I would also like to say that you aren't back to square one. It might feel like it, but you are making progress. For me, I have found it to be a two steps forward one step back sort of process.
I could be totally wrong here, but is it possible you are hanging onto the "I can do it myself" role because you are afraid if you truly let your T in and allow her to really know you that she will leave and you will end up doing it yourself anyway? I only ask because I've been there. I could win awards for my DIY skills, but gradually as I've let my guard down a teeny tiny bit at a time it has become worth it to take the risk of losing T in order to feel the connection that I have with her when I let my guard down. At times I am still utterly overwhelmed with the idea that I'm getting used to depending on this person and I'm getting accustomed to her caring, her presence and her understanding and I freak out and think....but what if I lose her?!!! Then what? However, the way I've chosen to look at it is that one way I'm guaranteed not to have that connection and understanding and the other way I'm fairly certain I will have it and there is only a small chance it will go away. And if it does then at least I have the memories and felt sense of what it was like to not feel alone and to have someone on my side for once. It is scary as heck sometimes, but the rewards are worth it if you can just let yourself take a tiny risk to start to open up.
You said (if I recall correctly) that your T normally sits really far from you, right? Would it be possible to start by asking her to sit a little closer? It doesn't have to be a huge change, but if she is normally four feet away, could you ask her to sit three feet away and then just see what that feels like in your body. Does it make you anxious? Does your heart rate increase? Does it make you feel more calm, more heard? Whatever it is, just notice it.
If none of this fits for you that is fine. I'm just thinking (typing) out loud here!
Yes, I can really relate to what you wrote. I would also like to say that you aren't back to square one. It might feel like it, but you are making progress. For me, I have found it to be a two steps forward one step back sort of process.
I could be totally wrong here, but is it possible you are hanging onto the "I can do it myself" role because you are afraid if you truly let your T in and allow her to really know you that she will leave and you will end up doing it yourself anyway? I only ask because I've been there. I could win awards for my DIY skills, but gradually as I've let my guard down a teeny tiny bit at a time it has become worth it to take the risk of losing T in order to feel the connection that I have with her when I let my guard down. At times I am still utterly overwhelmed with the idea that I'm getting used to depending on this person and I'm getting accustomed to her caring, her presence and her understanding and I freak out and think....but what if I lose her?!!! Then what? However, the way I've chosen to look at it is that one way I'm guaranteed not to have that connection and understanding and the other way I'm fairly certain I will have it and there is only a small chance it will go away. And if it does then at least I have the memories and felt sense of what it was like to not feel alone and to have someone on my side for once. It is scary as heck sometimes, but the rewards are worth it if you can just let yourself take a tiny risk to start to open up.
You said (if I recall correctly) that your T normally sits really far from you, right? Would it be possible to start by asking her to sit a little closer? It doesn't have to be a huge change, but if she is normally four feet away, could you ask her to sit three feet away and then just see what that feels like in your body. Does it make you anxious? Does your heart rate increase? Does it make you feel more calm, more heard? Whatever it is, just notice it.
If none of this fits for you that is fine. I'm just thinking (typing) out loud here!
May I be rude and butt in?
STRM, that's the thing I have too. The Wall
Can you maybe tell me (or us) how it was when you let your guard down and anyway, how the heck does one do that!?
DF, haha, we're on the same page once again.
Once my T was standing really close to me, after I said something on my way out and she was between me and the door and she wouldn't let me out until she commented on my comment and we were so close, I hated it! It made me feel so insecure, I don't know why. It was scary. But sometimes I wish she was closer. Ugh, I'd love to be able to make sense of my own head.
I can relate to you too. I'll be here and remind you to not quit therapy whenever you need me to, okay?
STRM, that's the thing I have too. The Wall
Can you maybe tell me (or us) how it was when you let your guard down and anyway, how the heck does one do that!?
DF, haha, we're on the same page once again.
Once my T was standing really close to me, after I said something on my way out and she was between me and the door and she wouldn't let me out until she commented on my comment and we were so close, I hated it! It made me feel so insecure, I don't know why. It was scary. But sometimes I wish she was closer. Ugh, I'd love to be able to make sense of my own head.
I can relate to you too. I'll be here and remind you to not quit therapy whenever you need me to, okay?
Hey!
My T and I have this ongoing joke that “I’ll trust him when I get home.” Well, it’s not exactly a joke, but we’ve made it into a joke. Basically I’m at this point where I can believe all of his compliments and nice things that he says about me later when I’m listening to my session, but when he gives me a compliment when I’m sitting with him I still blow him off and say, “That’s so not true!!!” He’s been asking me from the very first session if I have anyone in my life who gives me any sort of compliments, and I don’t and never have, and it also doesn’t help that I have plenty of people to tear me down. It’s still not my first reaction to accept a compliment, but I can totally feel the wall going up when he compliments me which is a huge step, and I can actually accept about 50% of the time now, not only with compliments, but also when he says that he cares or something like that. So anyway my point is that it’s a process, I don’t think that it means that you aren’t utilizing your T if you can’t fully allow yourself to feel with her. I don’t know if this helps, but when I start feeling like I’m not doing enough I think back on how I would have reacted at the beginning and it totally puts things into perspective, I know I’m not perfect yet, but I’ve come so far and done so much work, and I know you have too
My T and I have this ongoing joke that “I’ll trust him when I get home.” Well, it’s not exactly a joke, but we’ve made it into a joke. Basically I’m at this point where I can believe all of his compliments and nice things that he says about me later when I’m listening to my session, but when he gives me a compliment when I’m sitting with him I still blow him off and say, “That’s so not true!!!” He’s been asking me from the very first session if I have anyone in my life who gives me any sort of compliments, and I don’t and never have, and it also doesn’t help that I have plenty of people to tear me down. It’s still not my first reaction to accept a compliment, but I can totally feel the wall going up when he compliments me which is a huge step, and I can actually accept about 50% of the time now, not only with compliments, but also when he says that he cares or something like that. So anyway my point is that it’s a process, I don’t think that it means that you aren’t utilizing your T if you can’t fully allow yourself to feel with her. I don’t know if this helps, but when I start feeling like I’m not doing enough I think back on how I would have reacted at the beginning and it totally puts things into perspective, I know I’m not perfect yet, but I’ve come so far and done so much work, and I know you have too
DF, Yes, it is very weird. And I have usually no problem whatsoever being close to people I know and like (very different with strangers) so it was so confusing. I felt like a little kid who is super insecure and is standing in front of this confident, strong woman... No, you don't suffer alone
My T doesn't give compliments. Not really anyway. I once said that I feel like everybody is staring at me and looking at me going "wth is she wearing!?" or just "look at her!!" and she said "you know, people usually look longer at something they like". I didn't know whether she just said that or whether this was a very weird way of saying I look ok? I don't know.
I don't believe her anyway. I also look longer at people I think wear something I would never wear for example.
My T doesn't give compliments. Not really anyway. I once said that I feel like everybody is staring at me and looking at me going "wth is she wearing!?" or just "look at her!!" and she said "you know, people usually look longer at something they like". I didn't know whether she just said that or whether this was a very weird way of saying I look ok? I don't know.
I don't believe her anyway. I also look longer at people I think wear something I would never wear for example.
DF- GOOD LUCK with your group therapy today!! (have you went allready? if so, how did it went?) I hope that seing the group again today, gave you the very needed support and help, so you can manage to hang in there and cope well another week before seing your T again... maybe the week doesnt seems so long anymore now?
Hugs anyway..
(have you went allready? if so, how did it went?) I hope that seing the group again today, gave you the very needed support and help, so you can manage to hang in there and cope well another week before seing your T again... maybe the week doesnt seems so long anymore now?Hugs anyway..