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I've never cried in therapy. 
Wish I could!!
Wish I could!!
She continues to sit as she normally does, its my actions that have changed, I use to bend over and hide my tears, now I can sit and let the tears drip down my face and know T is there with me and doing her job, not about to just come over and put an arm around me and say, dare, dare, which is what I thought in the begining. I've realised it takes great inner strenght to sit with someone as they cry and not try to change it.
I don't cry very often in the therapy room, or other places for that matter. I hate for people to see my cry. It makes me feel that I am weak, vulnerable. It is an issue for me When I have cried in front of my therapist, I try to hide it, to hold them back, but he knows and looks at me with these really caring, understanding eyes. He never comments on my tears but I know he sees them and cares a lot that I am upset and emotional. His voice usually changes very slightly as if with more empathy. Can you tell I love him?? 
When I have cried in front of my therapist, I try to hide it, to hold them back, but he knows and looks at me with these really caring, understanding eyes. He never comments on my tears but I know he sees them and cares a lot that I am upset and emotional. His voice usually changes very slightly as if with more empathy. Can you tell I love him??
I think I posted about this hear a little while ago, because the first time I cried in therapy I totally freaked out and was so embarrassed. Like you Permafrost, I thought that if maybe I could cry in therapy it would prevent me from having an anxiety attack. My t. actually encouraged my crying for this reason... but it didn't work. I think because every time I start crying in there, I immediately feel so ashamed and embarrassed that the panic feels worse after. My t. usually doesn't say anything at all about the tears, except once she told me that she could "sit with me and my feelings" and that I didn't need to collect myself, I could feel everything fully. She has also encouraged me on numerous occasions to flip out, to yell, to really sob, to stomp my feet and express with my body how the anxiety is feeling but I am waaayyy too self-conscious for any of that to happen. The session after the first time I cried, when I was really embarrassed, I talked to her about it and she said that more people cry in her office than not and I could feel free to feel whatever I wanted to.
Wow Frosty, this is a great thread. I’m finding it interesting reading how other peoples T’s react considering I could never let myself cry in therapy as I was too scared to cry in front anyone, even my lovely T even though I knew she would be ok with it, I never got over the fear of how she would react and it is one of my biggest regrets. There were many times I was so geared up for it and it just never happened.
Sorry probably not helping to ‘normalise’ the crying process
Butterfly
Sorry probably not helping to ‘normalise’ the crying process
Butterfly
i cry all the time in therapy, probably 75% of the time, and i have NEVER had a t do anything. not offer tissues, not nothing. i cry at rainbows, i cry at stuff all the time. always have. our couples counseling years ago? i cried the whole time. never could really talk. big tears last time. i am probably dehydrated from them. can't quit, it just pours out, and sometimes feels so good to cry. for awhile, the tears ran dry, but not lately.
t's never do anything, just sit, silently. i guess that is what they are supposed to do, and we, to soothe ourself. but i would sure like a bit more (some) empathy.
never got it growing up. doesn't look like a t is going to give it either. my h is good. holds me, soothes me. somehow i just need a caretaker to 'take care of me' but i guess those years are up.
yes, they just sit there. must be protocol.
bummer.
jill
t's never do anything, just sit, silently. i guess that is what they are supposed to do, and we, to soothe ourself. but i would sure like a bit more (some) empathy.
never got it growing up. doesn't look like a t is going to give it either. my h is good. holds me, soothes me. somehow i just need a caretaker to 'take care of me' but i guess those years are up.
yes, they just sit there. must be protocol.
bummer.
jill
Sometimes, I cry easily, but actually letting myself cry easily is another story. Sometimes, if the thing I am in tears about is more superficial, it will be easier for me to let the tears come out and not back away from the subject. But if the issue is deep, like pain about my father, then it is very hard to let the tears come. I will quickly change the subject or even joke around, and not let a single tear come. But other times, I have been so tearful, that I have been unable to speak – trying to mop up my tears with handfulls of Kleenex.
The odd thing is that while I do get teared up and cry in therapy often – it almost never happens when I think it will. When I go into a session with a subject I am sure I will cry over, almost 100% of the time, I will come out feeling baffled how I got through talking about it without a tear. go fig.
If I do cry, my regular T usually lets me talk, or lets me sit in silence. If I say it’s “too much” she will let me change the subject. Sometimes she comments on noticing my tears, like saying, that “I see makes you feel really sad…” She has funny Kleenex boxes, sometimes shaped like fruit, from a drug store nearby – and they are always close where clients can sit.
I have not been able to let the tears show with my eq T. She notices when I get close though. I will clam up, switch gears, and get very quiet or fight the tears just under the surface. She tells me to notice what I’m feeling, and that whatever I’m feeling is ok… and that I can talk about it or not… but try to notice it as long as I can… She told me once, that I used to stop making eye contact and sometimes even turn away from her, if I felt much emotion around her, but that now, I don’t look and turn away so much anymore. She has sometimes even noticed me beginning to feel sad before I have – and she will sometimes ask, “did something shift for you as you talked about that?” or say that she noticed I seem sad or the subject seems like it is hard for me to talk about with her.
If the tears, or another emotion, just feels like “too much” – I can tell either T’s that, and they both will help me ground or sit with the emotion. They don’t push me further into it, nor do they quite pull me out of it either (which can very scary and frustrating). They help me get through it – with a heck of a lot of calm empathy and way more acceptance than I can quite take in.
I told my T this week how “I just hurt inside” and “I have longed for so long for any family member to just hold me, tell me things would be ok, and just let me cry.” And as I said that, the tears came, in a surprising way. I was very quickly so teared up that I couldn’t talk. My T gave me a blanket that I hadn’t seen before and suggested I wrap up in it. I just held it, on my lap. I had told her at the last session about how when I was upset as a kid, I would wrap myself tight in a blanket nd found it to be very calming. As an adult, I love being under heavy blankets, and I think it is for much of the same reason. It feels like a hug. I asked her if it seemed childish... She said no, and when she had a blanket the next week, when the tears came, it made me cry more! I can't handle any T touching me - and both my T's know this. It was her way of helping hold me. :')
(edited to take out a personal detail)
The odd thing is that while I do get teared up and cry in therapy often – it almost never happens when I think it will. When I go into a session with a subject I am sure I will cry over, almost 100% of the time, I will come out feeling baffled how I got through talking about it without a tear. go fig.
If I do cry, my regular T usually lets me talk, or lets me sit in silence. If I say it’s “too much” she will let me change the subject. Sometimes she comments on noticing my tears, like saying, that “I see makes you feel really sad…” She has funny Kleenex boxes, sometimes shaped like fruit, from a drug store nearby – and they are always close where clients can sit.
I have not been able to let the tears show with my eq T. She notices when I get close though. I will clam up, switch gears, and get very quiet or fight the tears just under the surface. She tells me to notice what I’m feeling, and that whatever I’m feeling is ok… and that I can talk about it or not… but try to notice it as long as I can… She told me once, that I used to stop making eye contact and sometimes even turn away from her, if I felt much emotion around her, but that now, I don’t look and turn away so much anymore. She has sometimes even noticed me beginning to feel sad before I have – and she will sometimes ask, “did something shift for you as you talked about that?” or say that she noticed I seem sad or the subject seems like it is hard for me to talk about with her.
If the tears, or another emotion, just feels like “too much” – I can tell either T’s that, and they both will help me ground or sit with the emotion. They don’t push me further into it, nor do they quite pull me out of it either (which can very scary and frustrating). They help me get through it – with a heck of a lot of calm empathy and way more acceptance than I can quite take in.
I told my T this week how “I just hurt inside” and “I have longed for so long for any family member to just hold me, tell me things would be ok, and just let me cry.” And as I said that, the tears came, in a surprising way. I was very quickly so teared up that I couldn’t talk. My T gave me a blanket that I hadn’t seen before and suggested I wrap up in it. I just held it, on my lap. I had told her at the last session about how when I was upset as a kid, I would wrap myself tight in a blanket nd found it to be very calming. As an adult, I love being under heavy blankets, and I think it is for much of the same reason. It feels like a hug. I asked her if it seemed childish... She said no, and when she had a blanket the next week, when the tears came, it made me cry more! I can't handle any T touching me - and both my T's know this. It was her way of helping hold me. :')
(edited to take out a personal detail)
JD said:
And STRM stole exactly what I was going to say in response.....
I never thought about exactly what my T does when I cry but now that I think about it he ends up talking the whole time. Normally when I start crying I'm in the middle of saying something, so then I try and keep talking, but I guess I'm really hard to understand when I cry so my T ends up saying "Sorry, I didn't hear you" after every word, so then I just give up talking. So then I just lay there and cry while my T talks and says comforting things.
Exactly!!quote:The odd thing is that while I do get teared up and cry in therapy often – it almost never happens when I think it will. When I go into a session with a subject I am sure I will cry over, almost 100% of the time, I will come out feeling baffled how I got through talking about it without a tear. go fig.
quote:I think because I put a huge wall up against it because it is something so painful.
And STRM stole exactly what I was going to say in response.....
I never thought about exactly what my T does when I cry but now that I think about it he ends up talking the whole time. Normally when I start crying I'm in the middle of saying something, so then I try and keep talking, but I guess I'm really hard to understand when I cry so my T ends up saying "Sorry, I didn't hear you" after every word, so then I just give up talking. So then I just lay there and cry while my T talks and says comforting things.
I have never had any trouble crying. I probably cry every other session or so. If I can continue to talk through the crying T doesn't really address it but if it overwhelms me she will be quiet for a while and then will say or do something to acknowledge my sadness and be comforting but she's not pushy about it. Her super-human power is being able to empathize and be present with me in whatever I am feeling. I am constantly impressed and grateful for it.
Hello ((All))
Lots of love and hugs
Take care and be gentle with yourselves
Morgs
Lots of love and hugs
Take care and be gentle with yourselves
Morgs
My T used to ask how I would want her to react too - it used to make me a bit irritated, because of course I thought it was obvious that she would know how I wanted her to! But it's not and I realise that now - for me, like draggers said, just having someone sitting looking (however kindly or empathetically) would be immensely triggering. So we needed to talk it over a zillion times before I felt brave enough to shed that first tear.
I still dread crying, never cry out of session, but find I have done a little more in T, but it still feels really scary thing to do. T responds with compassion and understanding, holds my hand which helps me to keep a connection and not isolate myself from reality, and encourages what ever it is that is hurting to come out. Sometimes I can, sometimes it's just one supehuman effort to keep it from spilling out because I don't trust myself to cry. I still fear rejection or physical hurt if I cry in front of another....I am learning slowly that she will keep me safe, but even writing this makes me feel really vulnerable.
starfish
I still dread crying, never cry out of session, but find I have done a little more in T, but it still feels really scary thing to do. T responds with compassion and understanding, holds my hand which helps me to keep a connection and not isolate myself from reality, and encourages what ever it is that is hurting to come out. Sometimes I can, sometimes it's just one supehuman effort to keep it from spilling out because I don't trust myself to cry. I still fear rejection or physical hurt if I cry in front of another....I am learning slowly that she will keep me safe, but even writing this makes me feel really vulnerable.
starfish
Hi Morgs... love and hugs back to you. I hope you are doing okay.
As for the crying... took me about 5 months with oldT to really cry with him. I teared up a few times prior to that. As I remember he just pushed the tissue box towards me and he sort of cried along with me. He would do that often... tear up when I was crying. Sometimes he would say something like do you need a drink of water? or I can see this is very emotional for you or take your time. Once he told me he'd like to do something to help me but he wasn't sure it would be appropriate. That caught my attention because I knew what he was thinking and so I told him "I know you want to hug me right?" And he said yes. And I told him that it was okay because he had a way of making me FEEL held even when he was across the room. And he did.
NewT says tears are very healing and that they tell us a lot of things. He said that while he will be respectful of my tears he will keep talking to me because you can learn a lot that way. I have cried with him right from the beginning because I was so wounded by oldT. I cried immediately with each T I saw after oldT because the pain was so new and raw. Most of them didn't say anything. They didn't know me and I'm sure it was hard for them to know how to react.
I wish I could eventually STOP crying so much. After awhile the pain is just debilitating.
TN
As for the crying... took me about 5 months with oldT to really cry with him. I teared up a few times prior to that. As I remember he just pushed the tissue box towards me and he sort of cried along with me. He would do that often... tear up when I was crying. Sometimes he would say something like do you need a drink of water? or I can see this is very emotional for you or take your time. Once he told me he'd like to do something to help me but he wasn't sure it would be appropriate. That caught my attention because I knew what he was thinking and so I told him "I know you want to hug me right?" And he said yes. And I told him that it was okay because he had a way of making me FEEL held even when he was across the room. And he did.
NewT says tears are very healing and that they tell us a lot of things. He said that while he will be respectful of my tears he will keep talking to me because you can learn a lot that way. I have cried with him right from the beginning because I was so wounded by oldT. I cried immediately with each T I saw after oldT because the pain was so new and raw. Most of them didn't say anything. They didn't know me and I'm sure it was hard for them to know how to react.
I wish I could eventually STOP crying so much. After awhile the pain is just debilitating.
TN
I have never cried with my T, I have felt myself welling up at times and done my best to hold back - don't even know why. I think it was because my issues were not bad enough to justify crying. T even said once that usually he would never start a session without a box of tissues in front of him, just in case, but he hadn't had time to get one and because it was me he wasn't concerned.
Before seeing my T I did group therapy and cried several times in that, we all used to cry all the time in that group, the T leading it just sat there but the other girls in the group would be passing tissues and I remember once the girl sitting next to me reached out and touched my hand.
Daisy
Before seeing my T I did group therapy and cried several times in that, we all used to cry all the time in that group, the T leading it just sat there but the other girls in the group would be passing tissues and I remember once the girl sitting next to me reached out and touched my hand.
Daisy
In general, my T respectfully keeps talking when I'm crying. I don't do a lot of heavy, uncontrollable crying, but I certainly cry in there.
Occasionally he'll ask me what it is about what we're talking about is making me cry, but mostly he'll just quietly keep talking.
Occasionally he'll ask me what it is about what we're talking about is making me cry, but mostly he'll just quietly keep talking.
strm, thanks. seems like i feel i don't deserve it...well, i guess, i just don't know what appropriate emotional experience with a caregiver looks like. never knew it, and, even with my own kids, sometimes, there is a delay in my responses.
i suppose i deserve 'it', but, self soothing has always been my game...thanks for your kind words, jill
i suppose i deserve 'it', but, self soothing has always been my game...thanks for your kind words, jill
It took me a long time to cry with T, now it seems it's all I do! He just sits there...reassures me that it's ok, tells me to let it out and stays with me. The first time I finally cried and of course it's like falling down, once you fall, you quickly get back up and are worried whether anyone saw you. That was me after I realized I was bawling my eyes out, all the sudden composed myself, realized he was looking at me and made light of how I looked of course. He came back with something to the effect of that is the best you've looked in a long time. It looks good on you. Encouraging me I'm sure to let it come!
I wish I could cry in therapy. My psychiatrist tells me all the time that its ok to cry in front of him and that he is there for me. But I have not cried in front of someone since I was 4 1/2 years old when my mom died. I am not really sure why but I have been scared to cry in front of someone or show real emotions. I want to so bad cause it would make the relationship seem more real and I am so tired of always being the tough one and not letting my guard down. But I did start a GriefShare group last week and when I had to to say that I was there cause of my mom dying and because I refused to deal with it my whole life I did start tearing up a little. So I am hoping this will be the break through. The emotions from my moms death are so real and it seems like it just happened and I cant stop crying when i am by myself. So I am hoping that when I see my P next Wednesday that I will be able to cry and show him what i am really feeling. I am sure he will be great and really comforting when I finally break down and do it.
Permafrost ~
It has been so helpful for me to read everyone’s responses to this topic! What a great idea!
It helps me to read that I'm not alone in this frustration. It took me a long time before I cognitively realized crying was ok… and it was partly because friends who kept saying, “why are you so scared to cry? Crying is ok…” I never answered but it eventually drew me to therapy. Where I’m learning cognitively and emotionally, it is ok to cry. And realizing that makes me so mad at everyone who said it wasn’t ok to cry. From a very young age I was told, directly and indirectly, if I cried, it meant THEY were not ok, and I’d be punished. I was never able to ever fully stop the tears until I was an adult... and I didn't learn to stop them in good ways... so much learning of new things to do...
I feel this way all the time…
Thanks permafrost! hehe, I like ET! It feels like a whole different planet sometimes to be so accepted by my T when the tears come… Sometimes they have overwhelmed me. I’ve learned, and my T learned, to not push when the emotions come out. My old T would and I would come totally undone and then my T would push more… So it really helps me to have a T who says ok, let’s just sit with this for a moment. I’m not pushed in any way to explore or understand or feel it more when I’m in the middle of feeling really intense stuff. This is actually really hard. I so badly want to fix the emotions, understand them so I can fix them, especially when I am overwhelmed by them, or the emotions are just really strong, but my T My T now sits with me, and just gently encourages me to try for a moment to not understand and fix them just yet, but feel them. Which is frustrating. I want to fix them! They are scary and scary to feel and let show. But through practice, I’ve learned it actually really helps. My T helps me keep things from ever going too far that I am totally overwhelmed and totally crash. Being overwhelmed to the point I turn to bad coping skills is not good – and my T and I have had a lot of practice of figuring out when it’s time to let me back off from them, and what helps me do that. We have even written it down so that I can even visually remind myself – I have a “safety net” of sorts, which is partly her, and partly things I can do on my own and practice doing when I am not feeling super intense emotions.
When I do sit with them and let them be, it’s hard. It’s exhausting. Most of the time I feel tired and yet freer and lighter afterwards. Sometimes it takes a little while to get to the point where I feel the relief… but it comes… and that’s the only thing that keeps me trying. Ok, that and a bunch of really sweet horses who have no shame and do nothing other than sit with their own "feelings" and always let them show, and a good T who accepts me so gently
I hope your T has the perfect magical blanket for you too.
~jane
It has been so helpful for me to read everyone’s responses to this topic! What a great idea!
quote:DF, I don’t feel safe enough either. I’m really angry at people in our lives who decide that crying is a bad thing and make us hold back our tears until we feel ‘safe’. Ugh!!”
It helps me to read that I'm not alone in this frustration. It took me a long time before I cognitively realized crying was ok… and it was partly because friends who kept saying, “why are you so scared to cry? Crying is ok…” I never answered but it eventually drew me to therapy. Where I’m learning cognitively and emotionally, it is ok to cry. And realizing that makes me so mad at everyone who said it wasn’t ok to cry. From a very young age I was told, directly and indirectly, if I cried, it meant THEY were not ok, and I’d be punished. I was never able to ever fully stop the tears until I was an adult... and I didn't learn to stop them in good ways... so much learning of new things to do...
quote:Did ‘sit with your feelings’ not increase your panic even more? I feel like I need to distract myself asap.”
I feel this way all the time…
quote:Jane, good!! You’re making progress with equine T (we should say ET )! How is it, if you feel that emotions are too much for you and T wants you to sit with it nevertheless, do they overwhelm you or are you able to just let them be? And how do you feel afterwards? Very beautiful with the blanket! I hope my T has a magical blanket, too.
Thanks permafrost! hehe, I like ET!
It feels like a whole different planet sometimes to be so accepted by my T when the tears come… Sometimes they have overwhelmed me. I’ve learned, and my T learned, to not push when the emotions come out. My old T would and I would come totally undone and then my T would push more… So it really helps me to have a T who says ok, let’s just sit with this for a moment. I’m not pushed in any way to explore or understand or feel it more when I’m in the middle of feeling really intense stuff. This is actually really hard. I so badly want to fix the emotions, understand them so I can fix them, especially when I am overwhelmed by them, or the emotions are just really strong, but my T My T now sits with me, and just gently encourages me to try for a moment to not understand and fix them just yet, but feel them. Which is frustrating. I want to fix them! They are scary and scary to feel and let show. But through practice, I’ve learned it actually really helps. My T helps me keep things from ever going too far that I am totally overwhelmed and totally crash. Being overwhelmed to the point I turn to bad coping skills is not good – and my T and I have had a lot of practice of figuring out when it’s time to let me back off from them, and what helps me do that. We have even written it down so that I can even visually remind myself – I have a “safety net” of sorts, which is partly her, and partly things I can do on my own and practice doing when I am not feeling super intense emotions. When I do sit with them and let them be, it’s hard. It’s exhausting. Most of the time I feel tired and yet freer and lighter afterwards. Sometimes it takes a little while to get to the point where I feel the relief… but it comes… and that’s the only thing that keeps me trying. Ok, that and a bunch of really sweet horses who have no shame and do nothing other than sit with their own "feelings" and always let them show, and a good T who accepts me so gently
I hope your T has the perfect magical blanket for you too.
~jane
quote:STRM, does it bother you if only your little parts are being physically comforted or wouldn’t you want it any other way?
Well, I guess I may have been a bit unclear in my original post. It isn't that T will only comfort the younger parts in a physical way it is just that they are typically the ones that it happens with. Funny you should ask this because yesterday I was very upset in T and I did ask her to sit with me and I ended up holding T's hand and sitting with her arm around me cuddled up with her. Yeah, I'm an adult and it felt a little weird, but mostly because I felt like I shouldn't need that even though I did.
This is an interesting thread and I'm glad I found it.
For a while, I assumed the way my T was (when I cried) was 'normal' and as time passed and I saw other T's, I realized it wasn't ... however it was very much what I needed at that time - and still often need/want.
One of my T's, the current one, will just sit with me while I cry. She won't say anything until I'm done talking ... she'll pass me a tissue if I'm not close to one, etc.
However my last T, the one I was talking about above - she helped me in many ways. When I cried, depending on the situation - she would of course listen and we'd work through whatever it was, but as I stood up and got ready to leave after the session was over, she'd hug me tight - and many of those times, I would continue crying. She'd hold me tight and let me cry it out and say very encouraging words in my ear as she hugged me.
Both of them, in their own way - have helped. I leave both of their offices (after crying) feeling heard and cared about.
For a while, I assumed the way my T was (when I cried) was 'normal' and as time passed and I saw other T's, I realized it wasn't ... however it was very much what I needed at that time - and still often need/want.
One of my T's, the current one, will just sit with me while I cry. She won't say anything until I'm done talking ... she'll pass me a tissue if I'm not close to one, etc.
However my last T, the one I was talking about above - she helped me in many ways. When I cried, depending on the situation - she would of course listen and we'd work through whatever it was, but as I stood up and got ready to leave after the session was over, she'd hug me tight - and many of those times, I would continue crying. She'd hold me tight and let me cry it out and say very encouraging words in my ear as she hugged me.
Both of them, in their own way - have helped. I leave both of their offices (after crying) feeling heard and cared about.