Oh, BG - i am trying to talk about it these days in sessions! Not at all my favourite subject. Since T is an old man, the whole male-female tention sets in and seems to grow when the subject comes up. I am not sure it would be easier with a womanT though. Advice: Just try to avoid the loaded words- such as s** and also avoid any eye-contact! (unless you`re more mature than me and dont have a problem saying spesific words and being direct about it! )

I honestly did try once but i was no good at talking about it, see i can't even type the S. E. X. word... In panic i ended up somehow using the analogy of a platter of food and i shudder to say that gerkins even made it in to the discussion.
Pan

Nope that is the problem, there is absolutely no connection at all...

Draggers, that's funny your T uses the same language that you do. I have felt the very same feeling of embarrssment when my T uses a phrase I've just used. I think to myself, Did I really just say that? It sounds so dorky coming out of her mouth! Did it sounds that dorky coming out of mine? lol


STRM,
Interesting that you think that much of your hesitation comes from your mother transference issues. I can see how that would be a problem....I would never want to discuss sex with my mother! yikes!

Frog,
I would not be able to talk about sex with an older man. I admire you for trying to talk about it with him! LOL about avoiding eye contact. I'm so with you on that one!

PF,
Femme fatale! What was T trying to tell you with those comments?? I'm dying to know the context of that conversation!

Pandora,
LMAO @ platter of food. So, um.....gerkins? Was that the analogy for...you know what? lol

BG,
"It feels like the big elephant in the room right now"- Is that because you think your T wants you to talk about it, but you just aren't comfortable?

No way. The only thing I've said a couple times is my hubs hasn't slept with me for X number of months, and then I remember once I told my T we "did it" finally and that it stung (oy...). I don't think my T would want to talk about it more than that. (My T is older than me but not by much AND A GUY.) There's just no way! ~D.

That's so funny that a few of you mentioned that it was weird using graphic terms and then hearing your t. repeat it. With me- I would feel so awkward using the actual terms, I would probably be the more prissy one, whereas my t. swears so much! Not just talking about sex but in every conversation she she swears casually. I think she might be modeling for me how to show emotion or be angry because I will say in a cool, logical way, "that was really hard for me because of so and so." and she will re-frame and say, "That sounds like it was SO sh--tty!!!" It seems like a reversal of roles sometimes! I am just used to being in a workplace that I can't swear and then around people who don't swear- so it doesn't come naturally to me. Does anyone else's t. swear ever? She even says the "f" word!! Gasp! (LOL).

quote:

Originally posted by Quilter:
That's so funny that a few of you mentioned that it was weird using graphic terms and then hearing your t. repeat it. With me- I would feel so awkward using the actual terms, I would probably be the more prissy one, whereas my t. swears so much! Not just talking about sex but in every conversation she she swears casually. I think she might be modeling for me how to show emotion or be angry because I will say in a cool, logical way, "that was really hard for me because of so and so." and she will re-frame and say, "That sounds like it was SO sh--tty!!!" It seems like a reversal of roles sometimes! I am just used to being in a workplace that I can't swear and then around people who don't swear- so it doesn't come naturally to me. Does anyone else's t. swear ever? She even says the "f" word!! Gasp! (LOL).

I do not think I have ever heard T1 swear. T2 has sworn, but only when repeating when I've said to her.

NEVER EVER...I would rather shoot myself...

sorry couldn't resist this thread..still nursing my sore back. Be back soon..

PG

I'm rubbish at bringing up sex in sessions, but I should do because it's a huge isssue and triggers me greatly most of the time. I feel a mix of shame and a total failure...feel there's nothing she would be able to do anyway, so what's the point in putting myself through the agonies of trying to explain? I wish she would ask me more though, whenever we have discussed it, it has felt a relief that my difficulties have been acknowledged.

Does T swear? Hmmm, very rarely, only when she refers to my abuser I think.

Bravely pressing post now,

starfishy

It is such a coincidence that this topic has come up at this point in time because I finally got up the nerve to discuss some sexual issues with my P. It has taken me a VERY, VERY, LOOOOONG time to work up the nerve to initiate this conversation. (just so everyone knows, my p is male, about 68 years old, I'm 55)

We sat quietly for a short time before I got the courage then asked him if we could talk about a very sensitive topic. Of course he said that we could talk about anything I wanted to talk about.

I felt embarrassed and very uncomfortable during the discussion. I also had the feeling that maybe he didn't want to talk about it after all.

In my next session, I brought up the fact that I thought he didn't want to talk about sex and that I really had more I wanted to say regarding sex.

He absolutely assured me that any topic was open game during our sessions. That made me feel reassured. We got more into depth about my issues. Some very triggering things were discussed. Now I don't go back for 2 weeks and I am very anxious. I would like to call him but don't know what I would say except that I'm anxious. I feel like I want to be near him because I shared all of this very intimate information.

My T swears more than I do but I notice that he does less of it now than he did early in therapy (with me I assume). He 15 years older than me. We've talked about sex in only the most general terms. We've talked about my problems with my husband and a little bit about my abuse but I feel like there is so much more to say and it is very hard to start talking about it.

never, not with any of them. they never asked, i never volunteered it. married, i dunno. seems my problems lie elsewhere.

yes, they 'parrot' your terms. probably therapy 101, but sometimes seems trite. all but the f word, no one has copied that. dbt gal never swears. she is a bit too composed. some warmth is eeking out of her, but, i sure don't expect her to repeat my sailor's mouth.

too, i LOVE to say the f word. it is restorative to me.

anger release.

jill

Yes to the "do we talk about sex" question. Not graphically, but yes. Absolutely. I want therapy to be a place where I can talk about anything, especially the difficult stuff, even if it is necessarily graphic, and this is an area where I need to talk about stuff. My T is totally okay with it. I've never said anything that seemed to rattle her...at least, not yet.

But I never felt safe talking to former T about it. Partly because I was dealing with transference, and partly because he didn't handle it well. And one just made the other worse. So I think the quality of the fit between patient and T is very, very important for us to feel safe enough to talk like that, like I can talk to my current T. Her constancy in how she behaves no matter what I talk about is worth more than her weight in gold. I'm really grateful for her.

SG

quote:

Originally posted by monte:
A long long time ago my T talked about masturbation, within the context of marraige. I did not invite the topic, it just happened. He spoke like he was talking about last night's roast dinner. I have NEVER recovered.

I would be mortified. Although, once when I was complaining about my husband wanting sex and me not wanting it my T said, "he'll be alright. There is such a thing as do it yourself." I left it at that!

Wow, What an interesting thread.

For me SEX is a big issue, or sexuality is a big issue, and as matter of fact we discussed it breifly in the very first session. For me being able to talk about it, and have the person open to that discussion was a make or break issue, I had a friend whose T was not willing to discuss it, that was not an option. Looking back it was probably my first test of him. He asked me about my social life, I gave him some vague details he asked for more and I told him. Had he judged me or negatively commented I would have been done that day. It has come up again and again and everytime he has been open and honest with me. The interesting thing is that when i came to therapy i was secure in my sexuality and now i am confused and it makes me anxious. sigh

I have told my T about my fantacies and dreams (we do dream work) and all the gory details, because for me it is part of therapy. He has never once had issue or acted embrassed. ANytime i ask if we can discuss it he says that wee can discuss what ever I want. On the other hand he is a psychodynamic therapist (so he has studied Freud) and he's gay. His advertiments include coming out, and sexuality issues, amongst other things. I figure he has heard it all.

As for swearing, he has sworn, i have sworn, I have sworn at him. Not often and not excessively, more when the situation demands it. A well place fuck or shit lends weight to his message.

Catnip

I will be doing that next Wednesday and I am not looking forward to. I have somewhat with my female T and always have a hard time and am embarrassed even though she acts like it is no big deal at all. I talk about it often with my old high school P through email. It is embarrassing and I often dread getting his response and opening the email just cause I dont know what he is going to say. But its so much easier than in person and he responds very well and is very udnerstanding. The only hard part is the things I tell him he wants me to be that honest with my psychiatrist because I have strong erotic transference towards both of them and they both know that and kind of work together on it. But the one I email is not technically my P anymore and he encourages me to talk to my psychiatrist in person about sex and the erotic transference. My psychiatrist has brought it up before and when he says things like blow jobs or other things i want to do to him I get embarrassed. I can have a funny joking around conversation with him but to get serious and tell him how I feel is so scary and that is what I am suppose to do. My high school psychologist wants me to be honest with my psychiatrist about the dreams I have about him, the fantasies and even the fact that there has been time I was thinking about my psychiatrist when I was having sex with my husband. So that is suppose to all come out Wednesday. I am so scared to go to the appointment and do this but I know I need to cause if I can be that honest it will help prove to me that I can trust him and tell him anything without him leaving me or getting mad or him getting embarrassed (which I should already know that after 10+ years). But since I have not seen my psychiatrist in 6 weeks I am dying to see him and go through whatever I have to just to see him

I have a couple of comments here about my T, a female who is about 12 years my senior and nearing 70.

One day she told me, "It's okay to have a f*** buddy." That sort of had me frozen in my seat for a minute. LOL!

Another time, I happened to mention that I had been out on a date. She told me that a date implied that I had had sex. Huh? I told her that to me, a date was a date -- and sometimes, yes, a date can end with sex but not necessarily. I asked her if she really and truly assumed that any time someone said they went out on a date, that meant sex was involved and she said yes. I'm still trying to find the reasoning behind that belief.

yes, recently, i have talked a decent amount about sex. with pa. it feels ok with him, as he is older...not my age group. he makes it feel really ok, and tells me this is the place to be able to talk about those things. i say 'sex' for intercourse. i don't like those other terms, they sound so silly...'intimacy', even 'make love'. so, he picks up on my terms, although every now and then he says really old fashioned terms 'when your husband makes overtures towards you'. GAG!! 'overtures'??

no other t did i talk about sex with. actually, too much detail about my marriage was off limits...especially with t1, male and my age. i just said everything was great. and really, it is.

the terms though crack me up. jill

quote:

Originally posted by IrishRose:


Another time, I happened to mention that I had been out on a date. She told me that a date implied that I had had sex. Huh? I told her that to me, a date was a date -- and sometimes, yes, a date can end with sex but not necessarily. I asked her if she really and truly assumed that any time someone said they went out on a date, that meant sex was involved and she said yes. I'm still trying to find the reasoning behind that belief.

Yeah, that is an interesting belief that she holds. Based on her age, I am thinking she was probably a part of the sexual revolution in the late 60s and early 70s. I think in many ways, younger generations are more conservative about sex than people of that generation.

quote:

Originally posted by jill:
yes, recently, i have talked a decent amount about sex. with pa. it feels ok with him, as he is older...not my age group. he makes it feel really ok, and tells me this is the place to be able to talk about those things. i say 'sex' for intercourse. i don't like those other terms, they sound so silly...'intimacy', even 'make love'. so, he picks up on my terms, although every now and then he says really old fashioned terms 'when your husband makes overtures towards you'. GAG!! 'overtures'??



the terms though crack me up. jill

lol, overtures. Yuck. So not a fan of that word!!! lol

So interesting you brought this thread back up CTL.

I think there was some stuff in here that I 'needed' really needed to read before session this coming Wednesday, so thank you.

I was so embarrassed to talk to T about sex. Shes totally comfortable with talking about anything (she curses on occasion too, but so do I so it's not a big deal) but its me that's still slightly embarrassed talking with any adult about my sex life. A couple weeks ago was the first time I actually said the word "sex" when I was talking about my past relationships instead of saying "well when we would...you know" or "when I would get together with so and so" and all these other creative phrases. It's still a little weird but I guess having T be comfortable and non judgmental helps a lot.

I've tried talking about sex with T1 but acts weird when I talk about and she sorta whispers the word, "sex" rather than saying it at full-volume.

I miss T2..she was a sex therapist and was very comfortable talking about it.

I don't talk to T3 about sex. I cannot imagine that I will, either.

Personally I don't have a problem with the "s" word otherwise known as.... dare I say it....SEX. Honestly I don't have a problem using the biological terms because they seem more scientific/matter of fact/clinical. It is the terms like "making love" or "intimacy" that I avoid, and feel uncomfortable using.

Why is this? Because in truth it is part of nature, and there is nothing wrong with nature. For those of you who battle with it (which seems like the majority of you) think of it like a wildlife documentary. You are in your T's office discussing your own wildlife documentary.....well not too wild now Have you ever viewed a wildlife documentary where they reported on the monkeys being "intimate" or "making love" how funny would that be! You don't exactly feel uncomfortable when you see monkeys or lions mating in a wildlife documentary do you?.....or do you? Well I don't. By keeping the terms scientific in your conversation with your T's it keeps a form of "decency" and "respect" to the topic that needs to be discussed.

Well that is my take on it anyway.

I have to say some of you did make me laugh especially going so far as to compare food to you know what

I'm comfortable w/ my knowledge of sex, but as it relates to relationships I'm confused about. With men I assume any time they move close it is because they want to sleep with me. If I move closer to them (being friends, etc) I have to be continually upfront about not being interested in them physically and I am still constantly assessing the situation for when it might/may change. It's taken a lot of work with my Ts so I can feel comfortable walking down the street I was so afraid of being seen by anyone at all (shame) and I am less triggered every time someone tries to initiate contact with me.

Both my Ts are very blunt, open and real... so even if it may make me uncomfortable they certainly would not be concerned. I think I'd want to see a specific sex therapist if I had trouble with the mechanics of the whole thing but to talk about the intimacy/relational/reactions/thoughts stuff my Ts would work. I can imagine, if I ever want a romantic relationship, and am in one while I'm with my Ts we'd have to talk about it because... intimacy of any type is so triggering I can't imagine getting through any step of it w/o someone to talk to.

It's hard to understand what is/isn't safe when you've encountered unsafe situations in the past.

LG - Would you bring up the topic w/ T2 or would she bring it up? And, sorry to ask another question but was she in to 'mechanics' (like the how of stuff) or more in to the relational stuff? Thankfully I've gotten enough mechanics in all my biology courses and in 6 years of going through this crap in school.

CTL - you are not "the only person to not understand sex" Even those of us who are able to talk about it have questions and issues depending on their experiences. What I am saying is if you have issues or questions regarding sex be it about the "mechanics", or the relationship side about it, try using the biological terms when you speak about it with your T, and see it as a sort of research project on your own wildlife documentary, if that makes any sense. You are absolutely normal for wanting to understand and explore the guidelines and normalities of sex and where and how sex will and can one day fall into your everyday life. Oh and the procreation part you referred to...well dolphins do it for fun Don't worry about your age so much. If you are curious about something ask your T - therapy is a safe place to talk about sex.