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Hi DF,
Yes I feel this way sometimes...like no matter what or how much I say or do, it's wrong...because there's no way to do everything right or make everyone happy or even one person happy all the time. I don't know if this helps but what you said reminds me of one of my very favorite poems. I read it many years ago, as I was sitting in the waiting room of a clinic, and obviously it really touched me because I wrote it down and have carried it with me ever since. Not because I consider myself some paragon of empathy or anything like that...just because sometimes I wish if I can't help everyone, then I could just turn it off. Which of course would be wrong...well anyway I guess I have enough feet in my mouth for now. Here's the poem.
The Curse of Empathy
To see the curly-headed boy
In every derelict
To wonder, then, what crippled him,
What hurt, or what neglect.
To see the child in every corpse,
And every killer, too,
And to wonder at the reasons
People act as people do.
It is the curse of empathy
To never be apart
To be without the walls that guard
The spirit and the heart
To know that even silence
Is a clamor and a cry
To be compelled to listen, and to think,
And wonder why.
It is the curse of empathy
To know and comprehend
To realize what people are
And how their lives will end.
To see the heated argument
From every point of view...
To see the child in every corpse
And every killer, too.
(sorry I don't remember the name of the author but it sure isn't me)
SG
Yes I feel this way sometimes...like no matter what or how much I say or do, it's wrong...because there's no way to do everything right or make everyone happy or even one person happy all the time. I don't know if this helps but what you said reminds me of one of my very favorite poems. I read it many years ago, as I was sitting in the waiting room of a clinic, and obviously it really touched me because I wrote it down and have carried it with me ever since. Not because I consider myself some paragon of empathy or anything like that...just because sometimes I wish if I can't help everyone, then I could just turn it off. Which of course would be wrong...well anyway I guess I have enough feet in my mouth for now. Here's the poem.
The Curse of Empathy
To see the curly-headed boy
In every derelict
To wonder, then, what crippled him,
What hurt, or what neglect.
To see the child in every corpse,
And every killer, too,
And to wonder at the reasons
People act as people do.
It is the curse of empathy
To never be apart
To be without the walls that guard
The spirit and the heart
To know that even silence
Is a clamor and a cry
To be compelled to listen, and to think,
And wonder why.
It is the curse of empathy
To know and comprehend
To realize what people are
And how their lives will end.
To see the heated argument
From every point of view...
To see the child in every corpse
And every killer, too.
(sorry I don't remember the name of the author but it sure isn't me)
SG
df. what a beautiful person you are. this is the flip side of this personality, you feel the worlds pain so deeply. i know i do, and i protect myself somewhat from it by NOT reading the paper of the local news.
but the pain in the world is so great...and that, sometimes is the trigger for me feeling invalidated in seeking my own therapy.
i can't watch sad movies, even the kids animated 'despicable me' was a tear jerker..the poor orphaned girls were so sad and so endearing and the mean old people were so cruel. i was wimpering in my seat and my 15 year old son had to whisper to me...'mom, it is just an animated kids show, it is NOT true'.
but, df...you and i (and many like us) see the beauty in the world that others may miss. we see the colors in a sunset, we marvel at the symetry of a flower, the scent of the rain. y'no??
but, the, as i see it for me anyway, guilt, i feel for not being able to be there for others...my crazy sister who recently i have cut off, the older woman in a nursing home i used to visit regularly, the family in the area who i don't know but recently lost everything in a fire...i can feel really guilty about my lackings in all of this. and i get mixed up with tending my OWN garden, my family, where there are many needs.
one wise t told me, that i should do these things out of the kindness of my heart, NOT the guilt i feel if i don't.
that is hard to separate, but is a concept i am working on.
empathy.
the world would be empty with out it, and sweet df?? people are different, you have the kind of heart you have for a reason. love that in yourself, know you do good, know you can't fix all the worlds problems, but you can show kindness to the world...not all the time, but as best you can, and still take care of yourself.
yes, i have been in the worst pms trip in the world the past two years. emotions on my shoulders, primed, ready for eruption. menapause??? who knows, but, please, df, see these things as lovely parts of YOU, and know that you WILL be a better person for others if you take care of yourself first. RESTORATIVE time for YOU .... IS PRODUCTIVE.
ok??
and, turn off the sad stuff you can avoid. quality giving versus quantity.
xxoo jill
and yes, i too would be the worlds worst t, i would cry with them and curl up on the couch with them and smooth their hair, and cuss their abuser, and weep and take it all home with me, and them too if they needed a place to go.
i wish i could find a t like you and me!!! sometimes it feels that at least once in my life, i want that, i never got it, and at least for a period of time isn't everyone entitled to be taken care of??
i guess not.
old t kept saying that big jill is the best one to take care of little jill.
humph. i disagree.
but the pain in the world is so great...and that, sometimes is the trigger for me feeling invalidated in seeking my own therapy.
i can't watch sad movies, even the kids animated 'despicable me' was a tear jerker..the poor orphaned girls were so sad and so endearing and the mean old people were so cruel. i was wimpering in my seat and my 15 year old son had to whisper to me...'mom, it is just an animated kids show, it is NOT true'.
but, df...you and i (and many like us) see the beauty in the world that others may miss. we see the colors in a sunset, we marvel at the symetry of a flower, the scent of the rain. y'no??
but, the, as i see it for me anyway, guilt, i feel for not being able to be there for others...my crazy sister who recently i have cut off, the older woman in a nursing home i used to visit regularly, the family in the area who i don't know but recently lost everything in a fire...i can feel really guilty about my lackings in all of this. and i get mixed up with tending my OWN garden, my family, where there are many needs.
one wise t told me, that i should do these things out of the kindness of my heart, NOT the guilt i feel if i don't.
that is hard to separate, but is a concept i am working on.
empathy.
the world would be empty with out it, and sweet df?? people are different, you have the kind of heart you have for a reason. love that in yourself, know you do good, know you can't fix all the worlds problems, but you can show kindness to the world...not all the time, but as best you can, and still take care of yourself.
yes, i have been in the worst pms trip in the world the past two years. emotions on my shoulders, primed, ready for eruption. menapause??? who knows, but, please, df, see these things as lovely parts of YOU, and know that you WILL be a better person for others if you take care of yourself first. RESTORATIVE time for YOU .... IS PRODUCTIVE.
ok??
and, turn off the sad stuff you can avoid. quality giving versus quantity.
xxoo jill
and yes, i too would be the worlds worst t, i would cry with them and curl up on the couch with them and smooth their hair, and cuss their abuser, and weep and take it all home with me, and them too if they needed a place to go.
i wish i could find a t like you and me!!! sometimes it feels that at least once in my life, i want that, i never got it, and at least for a period of time isn't everyone entitled to be taken care of??
i guess not.
old t kept saying that big jill is the best one to take care of little jill.
humph. i disagree.
Hi DF,
I don't know if this is what you are talking about but since my crisis in October, I've felt so emotionally raw that every little things that happens out there IRL affects me deeply. I don't know if in the past I shut it all down and now I'm letting myself experience life and all the pain I cut myself off from. But I have found that I can only let certain people in my life right now and that's people I really really trust. First and foremost you need to take care of yourself!!!
You don't owe anyone anything!!!
I don't know if this is what you are talking about but since my crisis in October, I've felt so emotionally raw that every little things that happens out there IRL affects me deeply. I don't know if in the past I shut it all down and now I'm letting myself experience life and all the pain I cut myself off from. But I have found that I can only let certain people in my life right now and that's people I really really trust. First and foremost you need to take care of yourself!!!
You don't owe anyone anything!!!
just read your thoughtful reply. what stood out, is that you, too, are mean to little df. that is that bully super ego clamping down on poor old id. curiousity rather than condemnation. i am not there, but, that is my goal.
and good point about how she shows empathy. yesterday she made a point of saying if she didn't care and didn't want to help, she would just let me go and wish me the best. but...she didn't. and i have to know that THAT is how she shows she cares, and i have to see it, and appreciate it, and know it may not be how I would show it....i would do all kinds of wonderful things for someone...BUT, i guess, i'd make a lousy t.
so, thanks for that awareness!! xxoo, jill
and good point about how she shows empathy. yesterday she made a point of saying if she didn't care and didn't want to help, she would just let me go and wish me the best. but...she didn't. and i have to know that THAT is how she shows she cares, and i have to see it, and appreciate it, and know it may not be how I would show it....i would do all kinds of wonderful things for someone...BUT, i guess, i'd make a lousy t.
so, thanks for that awareness!! xxoo, jill
little df?
I'll bet she's a rebel.
Whaterver or wherever she is, she's still a
part of you.....
(I was reminded that very same thing about my
"little antecedent" some years ago. I pissed him off because I wanted to own my sucesses without his help. When the adult gets dressed down by the child, it can get a little silly, but instructive, too.)
I think those little guys just want to belong, you know? - not get tossed aside like they never mattered....however inept they were, they're still precious.
Empathy - what's its opposite? As raw as those caring (perhaps impotent) feelings for others come across...the point is, you care.
(caring too much?)
It goes both ways, sometimes it's tough to include yourself in the picture.
The opposite of empathy is not giving a damn.
Lotsa strong tough cookies out there who supposedly never needed a T in their lives...
remain tough and chewy principally because they don't give a damn.
(Wall street sorta runs on that fuel, don'tcha think?)
I'll bet she's a rebel.
Whaterver or wherever she is, she's still a
part of you.....
(I was reminded that very same thing about my
"little antecedent" some years ago. I pissed him off because I wanted to own my sucesses without his help. When the adult gets dressed down by the child, it can get a little silly, but instructive, too.)
I think those little guys just want to belong, you know? - not get tossed aside like they never mattered....however inept they were, they're still precious.
Empathy - what's its opposite? As raw as those caring (perhaps impotent) feelings for others come across...the point is, you care.
(caring too much?)
It goes both ways, sometimes it's tough to include yourself in the picture.
The opposite of empathy is not giving a damn.
Lotsa strong tough cookies out there who supposedly never needed a T in their lives...
remain tough and chewy principally because they don't give a damn.
(Wall street sorta runs on that fuel, don'tcha think?)