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(((((Deepfried))))) You didn't do anything wrong. Wait, let me try that again:
YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!
You very politely requested to do something for yourself for important reasons of your own (and it's not like you were even asking the employees to do more, you were asking them to do less, for Heaven's sake!). The wrongdoing was in the mind of the woman behind you, who jumped to really bad conclusion based on way too little evidence. Ironically, since she was worried about you being a Christian. The Bible commands us to give people the benefit of the doubt, to offer grace and place the kindest interpretation on someone's actions unless we find out different. It would have been much kinder of her to think to herself, I really don't know her reasons but there's probably a good one. Not to mention that criticizing a total stranger in public is a pretty hostile thing to do.
I am sorry you were so affected by this, fwiw, I would have been crying too. That combination of being thought ill of and being attacked would have really devastated me.
And you were not discriminating against the special needs person, you were correct in what you said. You were doing the opposite of discriminating, you were treating them exactly the same. I mean, if your T doesn't make that cut, then nobody makes that cut.
You are a wonderful, caring, compassionate woman struggling to heal from injuries that were no fault of your own and unfortunately the woman behind you added to your burdens instead of lightening them.
I have a sign in my great room which is a quote from Aesop "No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted." We all need to remember as we move through the world, that kindness helps everyone. I have sometimes had a day rescued by someone's kindness or destroyed by someone's meaness. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. End of sentence. And you have every right to pack your groceries the way you want them. It's your food that you paid for and honestly, no one else's business.
So, practicing what I'm preaching, I'm going to assume that the woman behind is driven by some kind of pain that she looks to criticize other people to make her feel better and you crossed her path. Let's hope she does what you have courageously done, and gets some help to face her pain so that she is not taking it out on innocent strangers.
AG
YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!
You very politely requested to do something for yourself for important reasons of your own (and it's not like you were even asking the employees to do more, you were asking them to do less, for Heaven's sake!). The wrongdoing was in the mind of the woman behind you, who jumped to really bad conclusion based on way too little evidence. Ironically, since she was worried about you being a Christian. The Bible commands us to give people the benefit of the doubt, to offer grace and place the kindest interpretation on someone's actions unless we find out different. It would have been much kinder of her to think to herself, I really don't know her reasons but there's probably a good one. Not to mention that criticizing a total stranger in public is a pretty hostile thing to do.
I am sorry you were so affected by this, fwiw, I would have been crying too. That combination of being thought ill of and being attacked would have really devastated me.
And you were not discriminating against the special needs person, you were correct in what you said. You were doing the opposite of discriminating, you were treating them exactly the same. I mean, if your T doesn't make that cut, then nobody makes that cut.
You are a wonderful, caring, compassionate woman struggling to heal from injuries that were no fault of your own and unfortunately the woman behind you added to your burdens instead of lightening them.
I have a sign in my great room which is a quote from Aesop "No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted." We all need to remember as we move through the world, that kindness helps everyone. I have sometimes had a day rescued by someone's kindness or destroyed by someone's meaness. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. End of sentence. And you have every right to pack your groceries the way you want them. It's your food that you paid for and honestly, no one else's business.
So, practicing what I'm preaching, I'm going to assume that the woman behind is driven by some kind of pain that she looks to criticize other people to make her feel better and you crossed her path. Let's hope she does what you have courageously done, and gets some help to face her pain so that she is not taking it out on innocent strangers.
AG
Oh man, I feel for you.
I believe the lady behind you making the comments was "feeling" for the bagger instead of making any attempt to see where you were coming from. Obviously she shouldn't have taken any offense because you did explain that you always bag your own stuff.
I hear you. The things I'm particular about, I have to have a certain way or I get really confused and/or uncomfortable. Yeah, I freak out/cry in public too. But how people react to it says more about THEM than you, remember that.
An example from just last night, I'm really particular about how I look because I'm really self conscious about my appearance (I can't do anything about the "ugly" part, but I can wear nice clean clothes and smell nice, right?), and my family went to a restaurant and my husband accidentally spilled his entire drink right in my lap. My husband and my kids thought it was really funny but I was mortified, now I'd have to walk through a restaurant looking like I wet myself.
So right now I still think my family's a bunch of jerks, but it does help knowing that most people would commiserate with ME and not laugh with THEM.
~D.
I believe the lady behind you making the comments was "feeling" for the bagger instead of making any attempt to see where you were coming from. Obviously she shouldn't have taken any offense because you did explain that you always bag your own stuff.
quote:my own T could have been at the end of the line, or my favorite movie star, or a rocket scientist etc and I'd still bag my own food.
I hear you. The things I'm particular about, I have to have a certain way or I get really confused and/or uncomfortable. Yeah, I freak out/cry in public too. But how people react to it says more about THEM than you, remember that.
An example from just last night, I'm really particular about how I look because I'm really self conscious about my appearance (I can't do anything about the "ugly" part, but I can wear nice clean clothes and smell nice, right?), and my family went to a restaurant and my husband accidentally spilled his entire drink right in my lap. My husband and my kids thought it was really funny but I was mortified, now I'd have to walk through a restaurant looking like I wet myself.
So right now I still think my family's a bunch of jerks, but it does help knowing that most people would commiserate with ME and not laugh with THEM.~D.
(((((df)))))
i can't write all i want to say right now - or explain this well, but ill respond more later when i can.
i used to be an advocate and case manager for developmentally disabled adults. i don't think you were rude at all. people step in to treat developmentally disabled adults like children all the time. i had one clinet who came into my office in tears because someone made such a big deal that they mopped the floor. he was like "oh yay, i mopped the floor. so do so many other people. why can't people treat me the same as other people?"
i have a 'disability' myself. i do triathalons and take grad courses and deal with crap about my disability all the time. most don't see it or realize it at first, and when they do, many are jerks to me, or they treat me like i'm 2 years old. it sucks. i'd say what the disability is, but i like being just me so much that i tend to not bring it up anywhere, even here, because i get so sick of people treating me differently because of it.
you were not focused on his disability, the woman was. the woman in line... it was her and her stuff, and she was grossly rude about it. way out of line. if she didn't like what you did, she should have asked you about it, not muttered endless judements. she was dumping on shame, not constructive critism that would have ended any perceived or real rude action by you. she was trying to be a mind and intention reader.
if you had said, "oh no, i will notlet someone like him bag my food..." then ok that would have been horrible. BUT you didn't do that. You were actually the one more appropriately blind to his disability and focused on taking care of you. That woman... she reminds me of people who "protest too much." Like people who rail against the very things they don't like in themselves.
you were doing what you needed to do to take care of you and no one had the right to come in and judge you.
i would have cried too - your reaction makes sense. BUT, she was the one WAY out of line. She was the rude one. (
I struggle with an ED and guilt and shame about it too. Try not to let any guilt and shame about your ED, make you also feel guilt and shame about this. I like to bag my own stuff too, and even though it is for a reason unrelated to my ED, I likely would have done the same. I think it would actually be discrimination to let someone do something you don't want, just because they are disabled. At the same time, a lot of people don't understand this... ironic that this came up for you and today is now MLK Jr day here in the states.
I'm so sorry you encountered such a jerk at the store. How to handle jerks? that is something I am still working on myself. I would have cried too, and I might have asked her to please keep her comments to herself - and in reality, that probably would have backfired she would have gone off more.
It would have really affected me too...
but i really don't think you did anything wrong, even by crying in public. yeah, it was probably embarassing for you, but i hope maybe some of it sunk in to that woman that she was being the hurtful one to you.
makes me want to go tell her a thing or two for you...
grr...
(this is probably a reflection of me and my stuff a lot here)
so so sorry you were treated so horribly.
i can't write all i want to say right now - or explain this well, but ill respond more later when i can.
i used to be an advocate and case manager for developmentally disabled adults. i don't think you were rude at all. people step in to treat developmentally disabled adults like children all the time. i had one clinet who came into my office in tears because someone made such a big deal that they mopped the floor. he was like "oh yay, i mopped the floor. so do so many other people. why can't people treat me the same as other people?"
i have a 'disability' myself. i do triathalons and take grad courses and deal with crap about my disability all the time. most don't see it or realize it at first, and when they do, many are jerks to me, or they treat me like i'm 2 years old. it sucks. i'd say what the disability is, but i like being just me so much that i tend to not bring it up anywhere, even here, because i get so sick of people treating me differently because of it.
you were not focused on his disability, the woman was. the woman in line... it was her and her stuff, and she was grossly rude about it. way out of line. if she didn't like what you did, she should have asked you about it, not muttered endless judements. she was dumping on shame, not constructive critism that would have ended any perceived or real rude action by you. she was trying to be a mind and intention reader.
if you had said, "oh no, i will notlet someone like him bag my food..." then ok that would have been horrible. BUT you didn't do that. You were actually the one more appropriately blind to his disability and focused on taking care of you. That woman... she reminds me of people who "protest too much." Like people who rail against the very things they don't like in themselves.
you were doing what you needed to do to take care of you and no one had the right to come in and judge you.
i would have cried too - your reaction makes sense. BUT, she was the one WAY out of line. She was the rude one. (
I struggle with an ED and guilt and shame about it too. Try not to let any guilt and shame about your ED, make you also feel guilt and shame about this. I like to bag my own stuff too, and even though it is for a reason unrelated to my ED, I likely would have done the same. I think it would actually be discrimination to let someone do something you don't want, just because they are disabled. At the same time, a lot of people don't understand this... ironic that this came up for you and today is now MLK Jr day here in the states.
I'm so sorry you encountered such a jerk at the store. How to handle jerks? that is something I am still working on myself. I would have cried too, and I might have asked her to please keep her comments to herself - and in reality, that probably would have backfired she would have gone off more.
It would have really affected me too...
but i really don't think you did anything wrong, even by crying in public. yeah, it was probably embarassing for you, but i hope maybe some of it sunk in to that woman that she was being the hurtful one to you.
makes me want to go tell her a thing or two for you...
grr...
(this is probably a reflection of me and my stuff a lot here)
so so sorry you were treated so horribly.
Hi DF
I'm sorry, what an awful experience.
An article landed in my inbox today and when i read this thread it came to mind.
So maybe you can have some of that kind of patience with a woman who like AG said must be in all kinds of personal pain to attack a stranger so unecessarly. What happened does not belong to you, has nothing to do with you and and therefore it is possible to not be upset by it.
We often get confused about when to feel bad about things and there is absolutely nothing wrong with bagging your own goods. So if you need to do something with the exxesss mental energy swirling around your head, use it to practice patience and not get upset by something that is one womans expression of anger at her life and that came at you but it not yours.
(((((DF)))))
Pan
I'm sorry, what an awful experience.
An article landed in my inbox today and when i read this thread it came to mind.
quote:What is patience? The genuine definition of patience is the mental ability to remain unperturbed by negative conditions.
So maybe you can have some of that kind of patience with a woman who like AG said must be in all kinds of personal pain to attack a stranger so unecessarly. What happened does not belong to you, has nothing to do with you and and therefore it is possible to not be upset by it.
We often get confused about when to feel bad about things and there is absolutely nothing wrong with bagging your own goods. So if you need to do something with the exxesss mental energy swirling around your head, use it to practice patience and not get upset by something that is one womans expression of anger at her life and that came at you but it not yours.
(((((DF)))))
Pan
This makes me so angry! I want to go find that lady and slap that bitch. She sounds like she has some serious issues! She is the one who is wrong for making assumptions and coming to conclusions about why you were bagging your own food. I am willing to bet money that she has made a lot of people cry in her lifetime.
sweet df. oh, i feel your pain, and although i can't take this advise, i can already hear what my collective 't' voice would say...
'this says more about her than you' 'you know in your heart (and God knows) what your intent was' ' not everyone in the world is going to like and approve you' ' ANYone would feel flustered in that situation'...so
i know you know all this stuff, but, maybe one of these comments will help.
public humiliation is one of my biggest triggers, actually, no, FEAR of public humiliation is one of my biggest triggers, and IT COMING TRUE!!! well, let's just say, i would feel the same way you do.
i always overexplain and am not satisfyed until i convince the other person i meant no harm...but, with some people that is useless (my mom, for one). so, give yourself a break.
as to what to do in the future. self check is always good, but if the same situation presents itself, me, i would let the special needs guy/gal bag them, but if not special needs, i would ask to bag myself. that is just me, coz guilt over hurting a special needs persons feelings would stay with me longer than the irritation of frozen stuff being packed with my hot rotisserie chicken...but YOU HAD NO IDEA the person was special needs, and really my friend, God knows your heart. and you do too. just coz this old hag had her underwear twisted up her, uh, you get the picture....doesn't mean you were wrong or bad. you are not a mind reader!! nor a fortune teller...if you were, you would have gotten in another line!!
sometimes it is these stranger situations that hurt more than others...and, for what its worth, i just balled out my contact lens clerk on friday. she wouldn't replace a torn lens without seeing the eye doctor for my 'overdue' annual visit...nor could she get me in until february. then she proceeded to criticize me for wearing my two week lens a month, and for cancelling an appointment in july...she stressed that contact lens are a "medical devise"...about this time i let her have it...told her i am not asking to install my own pacemaker, that i am 50 years old, have worn the same perscription for 10 years, would sign a waiver if there was an error, and would happily book an appointment with the doctor, but GIVE ME MY LENS NOW!!! (or i'll unleash somemore pent up frustration at you, you alleged 'authority figure'...and lady, you don't know who you are dealing with, as i have been in therapy for 18 months dealing with issues with authority figures, and have the drugs to prove it, AND, if that is not enough, i am in menopause!!') hee hee, wonder what she'd of said to that!
hang in there, df...just another moron in your path. let it roll off of you, and know YOU did nothing malicious!! xxoo, jill
'this says more about her than you' 'you know in your heart (and God knows) what your intent was' ' not everyone in the world is going to like and approve you' ' ANYone would feel flustered in that situation'...so
i know you know all this stuff, but, maybe one of these comments will help.
public humiliation is one of my biggest triggers, actually, no, FEAR of public humiliation is one of my biggest triggers, and IT COMING TRUE!!! well, let's just say, i would feel the same way you do.
i always overexplain and am not satisfyed until i convince the other person i meant no harm...but, with some people that is useless (my mom, for one). so, give yourself a break.
as to what to do in the future. self check is always good, but if the same situation presents itself, me, i would let the special needs guy/gal bag them, but if not special needs, i would ask to bag myself. that is just me, coz guilt over hurting a special needs persons feelings would stay with me longer than the irritation of frozen stuff being packed with my hot rotisserie chicken...but YOU HAD NO IDEA the person was special needs, and really my friend, God knows your heart. and you do too. just coz this old hag had her underwear twisted up her, uh, you get the picture....doesn't mean you were wrong or bad. you are not a mind reader!! nor a fortune teller...if you were, you would have gotten in another line!!
sometimes it is these stranger situations that hurt more than others...and, for what its worth, i just balled out my contact lens clerk on friday. she wouldn't replace a torn lens without seeing the eye doctor for my 'overdue' annual visit...nor could she get me in until february. then she proceeded to criticize me for wearing my two week lens a month, and for cancelling an appointment in july...she stressed that contact lens are a "medical devise"...about this time i let her have it...told her i am not asking to install my own pacemaker, that i am 50 years old, have worn the same perscription for 10 years, would sign a waiver if there was an error, and would happily book an appointment with the doctor, but GIVE ME MY LENS NOW!!! (or i'll unleash somemore pent up frustration at you, you alleged 'authority figure'...and lady, you don't know who you are dealing with, as i have been in therapy for 18 months dealing with issues with authority figures, and have the drugs to prove it, AND, if that is not enough, i am in menopause!!') hee hee, wonder what she'd of said to that!
hang in there, df...just another moron in your path. let it roll off of you, and know YOU did nothing malicious!! xxoo, jill
Sorry this happened, DF.
People are so freakin’ judgmental. There are tons of reason why people would need to bag their own food. When I was in high school we would frequently go to the store and buy groceries for the church food back and then we would always bag the groceries ourselves just because we wanted all the cans/boxes/perishables/fruits to be in bags together. They didn’t know it was for the food bank- one of us would just ask if we could bag ourselves. Or you could also be shopping for several people and need to organize their food into different bags. Or you could be shopping for a company party. Or you could be going on a road trip and need to put road trip items in a different bag vs. the ones that are for home. I say that because if this happened to me it would relieve some of the anxiety if I had a backup plan in my head, in case you need to go through the normal line again and see a special needs worker. You could say, “Some of these groceries are actually going to the food bank so would it be okay if I bagged them just to make everything organized?” I don’t know what anyone would find to say bad about you donating food to a food bank.
People are so freakin’ judgmental. There are tons of reason why people would need to bag their own food. When I was in high school we would frequently go to the store and buy groceries for the church food back and then we would always bag the groceries ourselves just because we wanted all the cans/boxes/perishables/fruits to be in bags together. They didn’t know it was for the food bank- one of us would just ask if we could bag ourselves. Or you could also be shopping for several people and need to organize their food into different bags. Or you could be shopping for a company party. Or you could be going on a road trip and need to put road trip items in a different bag vs. the ones that are for home. I say that because if this happened to me it would relieve some of the anxiety if I had a backup plan in my head, in case you need to go through the normal line again and see a special needs worker. You could say, “Some of these groceries are actually going to the food bank so would it be okay if I bagged them just to make everything organized?” I don’t know what anyone would find to say bad about you donating food to a food bank.
Yep - you sure didn't do anything wrong.
Such an amazing set of logical rationales (for behavior)
...meanwhile some folks just don't get it.
But beyond all that - some folks need to throw around
their um, "empathy" like tossing a match into a dynamite shed,
you know?
It's more important to them, in fact, so damned important for
them to spew their, ah, "empathy" that they become completely
clueless that it might not be a bad idea to take in the whole
entire picture, not just the iddy bit that serves their personal
purpose.
I guess at a moment like that, it's important to remember that
others, (the cashier, for instance) are still capable of sizing
up the situation properly.
Such an amazing set of logical rationales (for behavior)
...meanwhile some folks just don't get it.
But beyond all that - some folks need to throw around
their um, "empathy" like tossing a match into a dynamite shed,
you know?
It's more important to them, in fact, so damned important for
them to spew their, ah, "empathy" that they become completely
clueless that it might not be a bad idea to take in the whole
entire picture, not just the iddy bit that serves their personal
purpose.
I guess at a moment like that, it's important to remember that
others, (the cashier, for instance) are still capable of sizing
up the situation properly.