sudden terminations ARE like a death. and the comparison game, i struggle with, but a loss is a loss, just coz other losses are more grave, a loss is still a loss.

bad analogy, but, does losing an arm need to be trivialized when people are dying of cancer?? y'no?? a loss is a loss.

so,

the words to remember the good??

yes, that is true, but that just denies the grief one feels, and that IS a step in mourning a loss, so, that would hurt me that the t did not address that grief.'

he just pointed out the end point.

i dunno, these t's terming patients. it just, for me, ruins the ability to really struggle in therapy, to BE stuck and have a trusted other stand with you and not give up. i have the feeling that i always need to hurry up the progress or they will get bored, and it just doesn't work that way.

i digress, but, try not to compare losses, it just invalidates the loss you are experiencing.

spoken from someone who doesn't emotionally know how to do this, i just recognize the problem in myself and know what i need to tell myself. one day i'll believe it!!! jill

Hi June
I am sorry to hear of the death of a child, it is always sad no matter how distant the family connection.

One thing i know about grief is that if it is unresolved it will resurface when other smaller or bigger griefs are being dealt so it makes sense that your feelings of grief are intermingled with and trigger the loss you experienced in therapy.

It is hard to know why exP said what he did, and i agree it is confusing. The only thing i can think, and it has taken me a while to get to this, is that he was acknowledging how very painful what he was doing was and asking you to remember him for the good times and not for this dismal ending. I don't know...

The loss of your P, no matter how unethical he was is still a huge and devastating loss to you, you lost trust,hope, connection and support and many, many more things. And when it comes to love, there is no such things as worthy or unworthy. Love just loves, openheartedly and enthusiastically and when you lose that, through whatever form the seperation takes, it needs to be grieved just the same.

Maybe the guilt you feel is prolonging the grieving process by stopping you fully feeling the loss of your P? The fact that he was unethical makes no difference to the feelings that you have, they were and are real and your pain should not be minimized or brushed aside. It was a shocking and confusing experience that left you with much to grieve and is without doubt close in significance to the death of someone we care deeply about.

Pan

June I would agree that loss is loss and you can't categorize it. Your intellectual brain tells you that your exP was unethical and perhaps dishonest but your emotions feel the loss of someone you connected with on a deep right brain level and that loss was sudden and huge and it needs to be grieved just like any loss of someone we loved. Of course, it makes the grief more complicated and confusing but it still needs to be paid attention to and worked through and faced.

What makes therapist grief so much more difficult is that they are still alive and in my case, the T is still practicing and seeing others like nothing happened. Just going along with his life after he destroyed mine. Also, very few people can understand the devastation and trauma you go through. No one understands how you can love someone so much who was a T and why you can't just "move on".

The day of that last "transiton" session with my oldT and "D"... when I got home I got a message that my aunt died. A few days later I had to attend her funeral. I became so prostrate with grief at the funeral my sister had to take me out of the room and outside for some air. I was so overwhelmed with grief I could not function or think. While I loved my aunt and felt awful at her death, she was elderly and not well for years. But I was re-experiencing the grief and loss of my oldT. I was heartbroken that I had no way to mourn him and put him to rest. I had no grave to visit to leave flowers or trinkets. I had no place to sit and "talk" to him. And I certainly could not even bear to think of anything fond memories or good days we had together. I had to avoid ANY thoughts of what he meant to me because of how badly he traumatized me by being abusive and then abandoning me. For both of these people there was grief. They were both losses. But having to face the loss of my aunt just intensified the loss of my oldT and it brought to light the differences in the way I had to mourn each of them. It is WAY worse grieving the loss of someone significant who is still alive. Especially when that person banishes you from their world and even does so in writing. It makes you feel like a criminal for caring about them. It makes you feel like you should be ashamed to care so much for someone who would betray you in such an unspeakable way.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your little relative. It's a tragedy that should never have happened. I think that this loss is stirring up the old feelings of loss for your exP and the unresolved grief. I also believe that you are turning to your newP as your attachment figure and looking for solace and understanding from him. In times of distress we look to our safe haven, our secure base and in your case that would be your new P. And this is also why you are so upset about the pending snowstorm... because that will keep you from something you really need and that is to be in proximity to your attachment figure.

Condolences on your loss and hugs,
TN

Hi June,
I don't have much to add to the very wise answers you got from Jill, Pandora and TN, they said everything I would have, but I did want to extend my condolences for your loss. Pan is right, the loss of a child, no matter how distant, is always difficult. And I am sorry that this grief has stirred the grief over your T you are trying to process.

And don't expect me to tell you that you're overreacting. My T's door is still open, I can call or email him at anytime, I'm in the midst of scheduling an appointment and there have still been many bouts of weeping about leaving therapy. For people who have never been through therapy, or have but not gotten to that level, it is hard to understand how deep and important that bond is. But we get it. I think you've been incredibly strong in how you've dealt with this. You're still going to therapy and healing from this. I have no idea how all of you who have experienced this type of abandonment, kept going and working to heal. You have my immense respect, as I honestly am not sure what I would have done in your shoes.

AG

In many ways, a termination is very much like the grief associated with a death. It can be made even more confusing and difficult to process when the closure is fuzzy. With death, there is closure (usually) but with termination....is there ever really any closure? Especially with open door policies (not that I am against them!) and allowances of occasional emails, etc. It certainly makes it difficult to say goodbye if it isn't really "goodbye".

and even when it is truly a "goodbye", it is still so heavy in our hearts because it is a loss of someone tremendously important in our lives and perhaps the ONLY person that most of us have ever been able to truly allow ourselves to be vulnerable with.

The good news is that like a death, a termination generally hurts less in time. You learn to cope without that person, you learn to move forward. It becomes less painful as each month passes. Sometimes, such as aniversaries, bdays, etc. , you will be triggered back to that painful wound but it does get easier over time.

Oh June, what an important insight this is. I sometimes think that with my mom leaving so abruptly i never had the chance to seperate from her properly, and that something similar happens to people who are abandoned with unethical termination in therapy.

So that step from beating yourself up to being able to see yourself is a very big and important one.

Hooray for you!
Pan
PS From the missing my mom thread, funnily enough my mom was an amazing woman and hearing you say it touched me very much. Thank you