Be direct with her. "Thank you, but I am not interested in dating you". No beating around the bush. Blunt. Direct.

df. this is tough. you are so kind, you don't want to hurt her. but, you know what you feel, and what you don't feel.

i run, too with the direct hit. i think it is a power thing, too for me. i see weakness in that coming on too strong, and I want to do some of the advancing, too.

i do struggle being honest, for fear of hurting another. but, what else can you do here. sounds like the whole time of year is triggery, too. so, i am sorry for your struggles.

seems like being friends is hard.

sometimes when i need to be honest, i worm around in the 'i don't know how to handle this, i want to be kind, i want to be truthful...' (and i want to avoid guilt of hurting another, AND leading them on).

so, this works me into, ramble ramble...being honest. authentic, for you. whatever YOUR style is here. kind. i think it is fair to say there is alot going on in other realms of your life now, and however much YOU feel comfortable explaining, but that THIS relationship is not something you want to pursue. you care about her as a person, and want to be honest. and to do whatever (within reason) you can to help this sit well with her.



oh, df. i empathicize. that is hard. i am with you, i like people, even my husband, 'just right'...not too close at times, not too far. a real goldilocks, i am. but, it can feel just right with someone, this just happens not to be her.

i think one thing that attracted me to my husband, is he was not looking for a relationship. it started out slow, i was dating another guy pretty heavily. my h didn't go off course in his life to accomodate me. and, in some masochistic way, i liked that. i went off course in my life (ditched the other guy, adapted towards my h's direction) and it just worked. i admired his steady course, and he grasped me 'just right' and brought me along.

i picture a oceanliner headed due east. and i admired his consistancy. we are still headed east. and he is such a steady force, the currents don't sway him like they do me. i provide the emotion, he provides the steadiness.

it works. not flawless, but, growing up in a whirlpool, i needed an oceanliner.

(into metaphors lately)

i have dated leeches, and it doesn't work. sounds like you, too, need the steady, reliable, feet on the ground, type gal. you deserve the best, and you will find it. xxoo, jill

quote:

Any thoughts on how I can deal with this? Just not say anything? Keep it at the thank you and hope she doesn't continue to write back or continue to send me things? Do I write her again and remind her I'm not interested but wish her well? I can't send the flowers BACK because I already accepted them I couldn't figure out who they were from until I opened them to get the card, ya know?

I agree with what jill and LadyGrey said. It is hard to do, but if I were in your position, I would clearly say you are not interested. It sounds like you have told her this before but she isn't getting the message. She might take it as a mixed message if you say thank you - but I would be inclined to say that and wish her well too... but I too have a disorganized attachment style and tend to avoid any attachment. Anyone who comes on too strong makes me cringe. I need someone who is gentle and waits for my clear yes.

She sounds like she has a close attachment style and needs someone to respond very clear when they mean no.

I'm not in your shoes and it is tough to figure out how to handle unwanted advances with someone. I'd tell her no, and then if she contacts you again, I wouldn't even respond to her anymore.

If I was in her shoes and missing the message, I'd want someone to make it clear with me. Yet I know how painfully hard that is from this side of things too...

hang in there, jane

Her sending you gifts is manipulative on her part. It puts you in a position where you feel obligated to be nice and reply. Tell her, "I will not accept gifts from you." She is a boundary pusher. You are going to have to have very firm boundaries with her.

sweet friend, df, with the later posts, i have to say...like your t...edit the please. you have done all you can do. i am so sorry this is practicaly stalker-like.

do you feel concerned she might 'lose it'?

i think your gut is right. firm and direct, lg is right on the boundary thing...now is the time to think, what would t do if it were her.

good luck,

jill

df, GO GIRL!! i bet you have some ninja moves, too!

i think all you say is right. this needs to end, and not be on your plate anymore. enough!

i hate to get roudy with anyone, and i have never had such a persistant admirer...oh, yeah, once...he would spy on my with other guys...really weird...the only guy i met at church and dated...found the guy i met at a bar (my husband!) was much more normal (whatever THAT means...non-stalker, i guess!).

i like that, holding boundaries up! that teaches self respect, i reckon!! i may try it myself!! xxoo, jill

I have learned that I have to be a real bitch for guys/girls to get the message that I am not interested, and I mean BITCH. There is no being nice about it because that just does not seem to work with them.

Things that have NOT worked:

"I had a great time, but I don't think we are a good match." (what they hear is I haven't realized yet what a great match we are, but I will figure it out sooner or later because we had such a great time).

"it was nice to meet you, but I don't think the chemistry was there". (what they hear: same as above)

"i have a boyfriend." (for now)

"I have a girlfriend". (for now)

"I have too much going on in my life right now". (try again in two weeks).

"I'm not really interested in dating anyone right now". (try again in two weeks).



Things that HAVE worked:

"I am not interested in dating you or being friends with you. Ever." (Wow, what a bitch)

"Do not contact me ever again." (Bitch).

"If you continue to contact me, I am going to call the police to report you for harassment." (wow, this bitch is crazier than I am!)

And of course, silence is an effective tool in some cases. No response whatsoever. Get flowers from them? Enjoy them and pretend that you bought them for yourself, but do not thank them, do not contact them, do not email them to discuss the flowers. Nada. Do not reward them with a reaction. (Damn, she must be dead. Better find someone else to stalk).


and by the way, 3 unwanted contacts such as texts after saying that constitutes harassment with a domestic violence enhancer if it someone you have even had just one date with. Try to keep all communication with them in the written form in case you need to pursue this route. also, be sure not to call them names or cuss at them in any of your communication or you can get charged with a crime as well.

quote:

Originally posted by deepfried:

Maybe I could try a new one:
"F___ off!" That would work...

LOl, careful with that. See what I wrote above about not cussing (I edited my post and we crossposted). As tempting as it is to say that to her, you can be charged with Harassment with a domestic violence enhancer for saying that to her, so if you do say it....don't put it in writing!

(((((DF))))))

I can't believe you had to go through that. It's like fatal attraction. You are not a monster. YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER. She's making you feel like a monster. You are one of the kindest people I know. Talk about repetition compulsion on her part.

DF – you are not a monster at all! You are being actually being kind. She knows you know that she sent the flowers and yet you invited nothing more. I would be concerned if you hadn’t immediately closed the door. You did the right thing. You were not cruel - you were clear and very respectful. Talking with her would have likely been something she took the wrong way, and you were not mean either. She is not being safe. This would be upsetting for me on many levels, and you are already dealing with a lot. Be as kind as you can to yourself. ~jane

UGH! DAMN THOSE SEASONAL DECORATIONS!

Talking to her would have just created more problems because she would have gotten the idea that you two could work things out or something. I hope you’re feeling a little better now... Just keep thinking about all the candy that’s going to be on sale tomorrow!!!!

Mac

DF,

Good for you. I am proud of you. Showing up at someone's doorstep uninvited is a total violation of boundaries. I've never done that. Not even with someone I was dating. Well, I take that back now that I think about it....there was one time in college. There may have been alcohol involved. Mix that with some raging hormones. Yeah, didn't turn out so well.

anyway, i'm proud of how you handled it. I can imagine that was scary, but good for you for keeping your boundaries clear.

she sent flowers again today? this is getting weird.

wow, df. it just keeps coming, huh?

the co-dependant thing. that is so good you recognize that pattern.

i do that as well.

one thing i keep telling myself, is I can be responsible for being KIND. BUT, i cannot put myself as responsible for another's reaction to me...for THEIR feelings.

this seems easy, but growing up being able to
'pick my mom up' by being super-child, well, i thought i COULD control other's feelings.

so, what i am trying to say, and i can just see it from my distant view over here, is, you are being kind, firm, consistant...all you can do. yes, it dis-pleases your admirer, but, you can't do anything about that, but keep up your boundaries.

infantile omnipotence...that's the pa term for 'my deal'...ONE of my deals! ((i have LOTS of deals)) j