((((PF))))

aw hun, I am so sorry that you feel undeserving of therapy. First let me say that there is no pre-requisite as to how much trauma one must have endured in order to be in need of therapy. If you are having trouble in your life and having difficulty coping, you are in need of therapy. period.

and for what its worth, it sounds like although your parents did nice things for you, they were neglectful to your needs in many ways. That is not something to dismiss or take lightly and that sort of things does have a tremendous impact on your development.

Please continue to give yourself the gift of therapy...the gift of recovery. You do deserve it!

Frosty,
You're doing a classic! The very worst part of what you experienced with your parents is that it was mixed. For people like me, where my dad was sexually abusive, I have something so concrete to point to (well, ok, when I'm not thinking I made it up)that is SO clearly wrong.

As I read your post, in the beginning, you really were describing what sounded like an ideal family, but then the cracks started to show. Being alone and scared all night. Having nightmares and no one there to comfort you. That no one cared you were being bullied. Being in fear because you had to listen to parents fight (scary stuff for a kid), and your parents looking on while you're sister mistreated you and said nothing, and my favorite, being told you're stupid. I add all that up and I hear a child who couldn't help but believe that their feelings didn't matter, that their being in need wasn't enough to move the most important people in your life to do something about it.

Your parents failures were one of omission more than commission. So much harder to believe that something was wrong. And even more confusing because you do have loving stuff to remember. Everyone tends to minimize their stuff (trust me I've often wondered why what happened to me was such a big deal, why I couldn't just get over it.) but it's even easier to do when you've experienced what you have.

What you said about you're family made me very sad and I very indignantly thought "but of course you deserve therapy!" We make the mistake of believing that therapy is for the weak and broken. I beg to differ. Therapy is not for wusses, it's difficult, confusing, tiring and painful. It's takes a special kind of courage to go to those vulnerable places and look at yourself and be willing to make changes. There are a lot of people out there not strong enough to do so. (I have one fabulously un-self aware brother-in-law who springs immediately to mind. ).

You deserve to be heard and get what you need just as much as anyone else.

AG

quote:

What you said about you're family made me very sad and I very indignantly thought "but of course you deserve therapy!" We make the mistake of believing that therapy is for the weak and broken. I beg to differ. Therapy is not for wusses, it's difficult, confusing, tiring and painful. It's takes a special kind of courage to go to those vulnerable places and look at yourself and be willing to make changes.

I 100% agree with what AG says here.

Also, I do the same exact thing. Every time my T tries to get me to discuss how certain things got me to where I am, I can't help but say, "So what? Others have endured so much more!" What I am realizing is that "so what" is a protection of sorts. The so what is that it hurts no matter how we think we can objectively rate the original wound on a scale. Take, for example, two people suffering from the same physical condition. One may struggle with much worse symptoms for no reason other than their genetic predisposition or other constitution. Would any of us walk up to that person and say, "So what? Plenty of other people have this condition and worse and they don't whine about it like you do?" No, we would have sympathy for that person's suffering. I too struggle with thinking I am making up a lot of stuff from the past, because it seems impossible for people to be so careless with the wonderful gift of a child and it is nowhere near the level that some people here struggle with...from what I remember at least. In the end, what matters is you are hurting now and recognize that you can't get to where you want to be on your own. That you see your need for help and are willing to seek it out is something very few people will do. It takes a real strength to do that. It's something I outright refused to do for years of my life, even knowing I was so broken. It took going in for the sake of my H for me to be willing to do it. And you deserve to have a rich, full life, which your pain is preventing right now. Being unable to draw a map of your suffering does not make it less real!!!

(((((Permafrost)))))

Felt like you did for a long time. Had to decide I was worth it. I want more out of life. Maybe you will decide you are worth it. You are worth the investment.

Hmmmmmmmm!!! (((frosty))) really like what monte had to say - you are a brave, insightful, intelligent girl!!

and monte - don't beat yourself up - we're all so human aka imperfect, doing the best we can, so just look after and love your particular chickadee!!
morgs

Frosty,

Let me ask you if you think I deserve to be in therapy? Okay, don't answer that one out loud. I used to feel the same exact way you did. Maybe things weren't so bad at home. Or maybe one or both of your parents suffered from depression and/or anxiety and affected you in a way that you can't possibly put your finger on. Or maybe you are just one of those people who suffer from anxiety and was just born that way. There's nothing wrong with wanting anything more out of life. It's your life afterall, Frosty. Only you can decide if you are happy enough or unhappy enough.

I used to think the way you do about war and not having grown up in a war-torn country and so what the heck was so bad and what am I complaining about??? My answer now to that is war is the worst case scenario. War is one extreme. And when we figure out how to end emotional pain and suffering, and the scientists out there are working on it, and when we all decide that we are committed to eradicating emotional pain and suffering, there will be no more war. When we, as a people, as a world, decide that no one should have to suffer like that and that not just some people are entitled to feel good, we will start to make the "right" choices. That WE ALL deserve to feel good. And, we all need to protect that right in every one of us because it is precious. But in the meantime, Frosty, it's just you and your therapist.

(((HUGS)))) Hope I didn't come across as too strong.

Liese

Hey Permafrost - you do what is good for you. If T is helping than so be it. I was actually bullied in school when I was a kid. 5 years of hell. It has an affect on you. The parents and the sibling thing too - it all has an affect at some point. I guess each of us deal differently so there is no wrong or right way to deal. We just have to deal in some way. Don't give up!

quote:

No, not period If everyone who had a similar childhood than I had was in therapy it would be half the world population (and then the rest who really “deserves” therapy). But there are not so many people in therapy.
I know that my parents were neglectful but they love me. When I tell my mother sometimes how I felt they did wrong when I was a child, I see how it hurts her.
Thanks for my hug and your words! I’m sorry I’m so stubborn.

PF,
You are making the mistake of comparing your past and experiences to other people. The question that determines whether or not you should be in therapy is, "am I living up to my fullest potential?" not, "did other people have it worse than me? Do I deserve to be in therapy?" You can only truly compare your experiences against your potential for happiness.

OMG Frosty, a labor camp? That explains it all!!! It's as though good enough for your parents and grandparents was having food, shelter, clothing and each other to some extent. The very basic in human needs. The very least that you could have and expect to survive on,to maintain a heartbeat. And, then we move on to the emotional needs, which probably don't matter much in a labor camp.

Hi, PM- or may I call you Frosty? I relate very much to what you are posting here, and have many of the same struggles myself. Unfortunately, I never entered therapy until after I had kids and my problems are affecting them. But, I relate- the feeling that there is nothing to connect or justify my feeling this bad. The feeling of "just get over it, others had it so much worse." And the whole thing about third-world countries and being a therapy baby-ass who can't get it together, and thinking my T must be so disgusted with me. All of this stuff is self-sabotage. Talk about it all, but don't believe a word of it, if you can manage it. You deserve to be happy, and to heal. I think the reason why AG was saying that the conflict you grew up with was "worse," is not because she was minimizing her own trauma, but because when you have the kind of conflict you so movingly describe, it becomes ingrained and almost logical to take the blame for what is wrong, thinking yourself bad and weak- and it becomes a spiral that it would be almost merciful to be able to escape from by having some specific trauma to attach the feelings and blame to. (Correct me if I am not saying it right, AG) Neglect and emotional abuse has different- and no less serious consequences on us than physical trauma and outright abuse, PM. It is a very painful and very difficult thing to overcome. Add being bullied into the mix, and you will find yourself in a right mess. I can honestly tell you that any physical abuse I suffered as a kid did not (and this is just me personally) affect me as powerfully as did the emotional.psychological abuse and neglect stuff. And- bullying is *hugely* traumatizing to kids. That is why schools are placing huge emphasis on trying to stop it, and there are all kind of programs in place to raise awareness of the hugely damaging effects of bullying. Your past is similar to mine. I can remember good and loving experiences with my parents. My parents did not sexually abuse me. There was good stuff. But there was neglect and I was bullied for years in school- and being bullied by the group is hell, and makes you feel completely worthless. You are not to blame for your phobias and your problems. And being sensitive is a gift. You are reacting perfectly normally to an abnormal upbringing. Just because lots of people suffer with abnormal upbringing, doesn't make it any less sad, unfair, and worthy of healing. Be kind to Frosty- she is a sweetie. Go easy and be gentle with yourself.

Beebs

I forgot to say one thing- it is a wonderful and unselfish act to go for therapy and show your wounds to another. It is the definition of true humility, and it is what this world needs. If everyone would do this, the world would be a much better place. You are being good and unselfish by going to get therapy and help to become the person you long to be. Many congratulations, and my deepest admiration, at doing this at the tender age of 22.

BB

Atta girl! Glad to hear it.

You know it may not seem like it, but the battle you are having with your T over therapy, may very well be an important part of the work of learning to accept the self you were forced to reject by your very painful experiences...

BB

I'll join in with the nickname too, if it's OK.

Frosty - Glad you are coming around to a different perspective. I really struggle with "So what?" regarding childhood stuff too. I was doing it yesterday when something really stupid triggered me to completely freak out.

I want to reiterate what others have said about how incredible you are for facing these things at such a young age. It never once occurred to me to get help when I obviously needed it. Working toward a healthier "inner world" (my T calls it) now will make such a difference in your life and those who you will find/choose to walk this journey with you.

Interesting thread. I felt,and still feel, at times, undeserving of therapy. I voiced my concern and my T had IMHO, a GREAT reply. I was feeling incredibly guilty about wanting to have more than one session a week (I wanted 3, but scheduling allowed for 2.)

She said it is not the weak that seek out counseling and support, but the opposite. She said it takes an incredibly strong and courageous person to seek therapy, to look deep inside and spend XX amount of time each week to examine themselves fully, and share that with someone who starts out as a complete stranger. Therapy is not for the weak, it is for the strong, the brave, the courageous...