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UV,
I don't really have any answers for you, but I will tell you that I do understand how you're feeling and a lot of it resonated with me.
It took me a lot of work in therapy to actually realize I was a right-brained person, and that my interests lay in more creative, empathetic directions. I fled so hard into my left brain that I got an Engineering degree and worked as a design Engineer before the kids were born, then went back to work as a technical writer after a hiatus of five years as a full time mom. It wasn't until I healed while working with my T, that I was able to actually stop and consider what I really wanted now that I wasn't scared all the time.
My deepest desire would be to return to school, get my masters and become a therapist. I am really fascinated by the field and at my T's suggestion, volunteered for the crisis line to see what I thought of working with people that way. I find it incredibly fulfilling and would love to be able to actually do it for a living. But I have two children in college so there's NO money right now for tuition. And once they graduate, my husband is eligible for full retirement. He has worked for a number of years in a highly demanding job that he has seldom really enjoyed in order to take care of our family. So I really do feel like it's his turn so to speak. That if anyone is going to switch fields, he deserves first shot. Not to mention that between the schooling, internships, supervision etc on the way to getting licensed, it's just a lot of years and I'm looking at 50 in a few weeks. And my husband and I have looked forward for years to being able to travel extensively when we're retired, which doesn't exactly go hand in hand with being a therapist (at least one who won't drive her clients bonkers.) So it just looks really impossible from where I'm sitting. And I have struggled with a deep regret that I didn't learn this about myself long enough ago to do something about it. So the deep sense of regret you're talking about really resonated with me.
And I don't think you're a hedonist at all, I think what I'm hearing is that you've also been pretty left-brained going into business. All of the things you want to pursue are right-brained and creative. Those are not bad things to want.
And what you said about it being a mid-life crisis but life was just beginning almost made me jump up and down with recognition. I am acutely aware of lost opportunities but at the same time I am keenly aware that I now have options and possibilities in front of me in a way I never had before, which can be pretty exciting.
So I am trying to become comfortable with no really knowing where it's all going to go, but instead being curious and open to what will happen. Probably won't be what I plan or envision but that doesn't mean it won't be wonderful. Hey, better late than never you know?
I know this will sound a little cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason. You can do nothing to change what you regret, it's in the past. But you can use the new knowledge you have about yourself go forward and make decisions about how you're living so that you wont' have to regret what you do from here. You may not be able to do exactly what you want to do, but there will be ways you can live that are truer to who you know yourself to be now.
And as far as the attachment... I did fight it tooth and nail in the beginning, especially the part where I needed him. Very uncomfortable. But I must say I've moved over into your camp.
I love the relationship I have with my T and knowing that he's there for me. And I also have told him I wanted to be married to him among a LOT of other things. 
And may I add that I'm glad you were able to post and talk about how you were feeling, thanks for sharing it with us.
AG
I don't really have any answers for you, but I will tell you that I do understand how you're feeling and a lot of it resonated with me.
It took me a lot of work in therapy to actually realize I was a right-brained person, and that my interests lay in more creative, empathetic directions. I fled so hard into my left brain that I got an Engineering degree and worked as a design Engineer before the kids were born, then went back to work as a technical writer after a hiatus of five years as a full time mom. It wasn't until I healed while working with my T, that I was able to actually stop and consider what I really wanted now that I wasn't scared all the time.
My deepest desire would be to return to school, get my masters and become a therapist. I am really fascinated by the field and at my T's suggestion, volunteered for the crisis line to see what I thought of working with people that way. I find it incredibly fulfilling and would love to be able to actually do it for a living. But I have two children in college so there's NO money right now for tuition. And once they graduate, my husband is eligible for full retirement. He has worked for a number of years in a highly demanding job that he has seldom really enjoyed in order to take care of our family. So I really do feel like it's his turn so to speak. That if anyone is going to switch fields, he deserves first shot. Not to mention that between the schooling, internships, supervision etc on the way to getting licensed, it's just a lot of years and I'm looking at 50 in a few weeks. And my husband and I have looked forward for years to being able to travel extensively when we're retired, which doesn't exactly go hand in hand with being a therapist (at least one who won't drive her clients bonkers.) So it just looks really impossible from where I'm sitting. And I have struggled with a deep regret that I didn't learn this about myself long enough ago to do something about it. So the deep sense of regret you're talking about really resonated with me.
And I don't think you're a hedonist at all, I think what I'm hearing is that you've also been pretty left-brained going into business. All of the things you want to pursue are right-brained and creative. Those are not bad things to want.
And what you said about it being a mid-life crisis but life was just beginning almost made me jump up and down with recognition. I am acutely aware of lost opportunities but at the same time I am keenly aware that I now have options and possibilities in front of me in a way I never had before, which can be pretty exciting.
So I am trying to become comfortable with no really knowing where it's all going to go, but instead being curious and open to what will happen. Probably won't be what I plan or envision but that doesn't mean it won't be wonderful. Hey, better late than never you know?
I know this will sound a little cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason. You can do nothing to change what you regret, it's in the past. But you can use the new knowledge you have about yourself go forward and make decisions about how you're living so that you wont' have to regret what you do from here. You may not be able to do exactly what you want to do, but there will be ways you can live that are truer to who you know yourself to be now.
And as far as the attachment... I did fight it tooth and nail in the beginning, especially the part where I needed him. Very uncomfortable. But I must say I've moved over into your camp.
I love the relationship I have with my T and knowing that he's there for me. And I also have told him I wanted to be married to him among a LOT of other things. And may I add that I'm glad you were able to post and talk about how you were feeling, thanks for sharing it with us.
AG
I think its wonderful that you've told your T that you want to be married to him. Yes, I am sure it feels embarrassing but was there a part of you that felt, I dunno...good, when you told him? like a weight lifted off your shoulders? In a way, its freeing to get these sort of things off of your chest. And remember, there is a BIG difference between telling your therapist you want to be married to him and actually asking him to marry you. He knows you are just experiencing transference and although he may be flattered on some level, I doubt he really believes that deep down you truly want to be married to him.
UV, I'm sitting here reading, trying to come up with a helpful response but not really succeeding because...
I can identify with that.
I can commiserate.
Again, I could have spoken the same plaintive self-assessment.
Amen!!!
We do not have exactly the same regrets, UV, what we have in common is that we do have them. I guess we all have made choices which have closed certain doors. We can't keep all doors open forever; the stupid ticking clock won't stand still while we are trying to figure it all out. We always have to move in one direction or another.
I don't know enough about your history to know if this is actually a good sign that you are feeling this way so strongly right now. Is it because you are experiencing an awakening, a new energy for life that was previously dormant? Perhaps the opportunities you say you have let pass did not seem worth fighting for at the time because you were not in a place to embrace life?
Hindsight is not really fair. We can only do the best as we are able in the moment. Try to be kind to yourself. What I see in your post is a woman with amazing talents and interests, and still much to make life interesting and enriching. All is not lost just because your life is less than your ideal. (I think most of us can say our life is less than our ideal!) Instead of beating yourself up, maybe try to focus on the future one step at a time. Maybe try to do one small thing -- one small move in a new direction that is something good for your creative soul. And let the joy of it lift you up. Hopefully your life outlook will not always feel as grim as it does to you right now.
Or if you are not in the mood for optimistic advice, you can also tell me to take a hike.
quote:I feel like a failure; a failure in terms of failing myself.
I can identify with that.
quote:I'm older now. Opportunities are gone...
I can commiserate.
quote:I've 'settled for less' my entire life...
Again, I could have spoken the same plaintive self-assessment.
quote:Damn regrets I tell you!!
Amen!!!
We do not have exactly the same regrets, UV, what we have in common is that we do have them. I guess we all have made choices which have closed certain doors. We can't keep all doors open forever; the stupid ticking clock won't stand still while we are trying to figure it all out. We always have to move in one direction or another.
I don't know enough about your history to know if this is actually a good sign that you are feeling this way so strongly right now. Is it because you are experiencing an awakening, a new energy for life that was previously dormant? Perhaps the opportunities you say you have let pass did not seem worth fighting for at the time because you were not in a place to embrace life?
Hindsight is not really fair. We can only do the best as we are able in the moment. Try to be kind to yourself. What I see in your post is a woman with amazing talents and interests, and still much to make life interesting and enriching. All is not lost just because your life is less than your ideal. (I think most of us can say our life is less than our ideal!) Instead of beating yourself up, maybe try to focus on the future one step at a time. Maybe try to do one small thing -- one small move in a new direction that is something good for your creative soul. And let the joy of it lift you up. Hopefully your life outlook will not always feel as grim as it does to you right now.
Or if you are not in the mood for optimistic advice, you can also tell me to take a hike.
Ouch ((UV))
QUOTE I do. I hate it. I don't want what i've worked for all these years. I do not want to work in business-at all. I hate my job, hate my life. Hate that I wasted all these years achieving what I_did_not_want. I feel like a failure; a failure in terms of failing myself."
QUOTE All i want to do is paint, write music; play the harp, the piano, the violin; write at least one book; make jewelry, and live on the beach. Throw parties once in a while. Do some charity work...fundraising...and snuggle up to someone each night. [/QUOTE]
what happened UV? tell us when you're able ok! if something has happened at work - we're in a similar boat (although i work for a state government not a business owner) - major rupture and i've taken the week off and 'almost begged' for a medical retirement (certified nutcase will be fine!) so i can live a life doing charity work/fund raising and also stuff for just me!! i understand!
snuggle up to someone - hmmmmmm - been there, done that, won't ever again although before i die i'd love to have a hug!!!
haha!! you're not - there's more of us - my T is a woman - older and greyer than me and i like even 'love' having her in my life in any way and being attached to her for me is a blessing that keeps me grounded - so no argument here!
for whatever reasons we are where we are UV, and i do understand - i'm very alone with a dog - as hard as it is when the waves of aloneness/emptiness/what's the point of it all wash over us - we have to take a deep breath and surface until the next wave and wait for the storm of emotion to settle!!
how bloody platitudinous does that sound? but really it's all we can do sometimes!!
thinking of you
Morgs
QUOTE I do. I hate it. I don't want what i've worked for all these years. I do not want to work in business-at all. I hate my job, hate my life. Hate that I wasted all these years achieving what I_did_not_want. I feel like a failure; a failure in terms of failing myself."
QUOTE All i want to do is paint, write music; play the harp, the piano, the violin; write at least one book; make jewelry, and live on the beach. Throw parties once in a while. Do some charity work...fundraising...and snuggle up to someone each night. [/QUOTE]
what happened UV? tell us when you're able ok! if something has happened at work - we're in a similar boat (although i work for a state government not a business owner) - major rupture and i've taken the week off and 'almost begged' for a medical retirement (certified nutcase will be fine!) so i can live a life doing charity work/fund raising and also stuff for just me!! i understand!
snuggle up to someone - hmmmmmm - been there, done that, won't ever again although before i die i'd love to have a hug!!!
quote:And another thing-how come I'm one of the few who doesn't mind being dependent/attached to my therapist? I read so many posts where people express disgust, fears, shame with being attached..the truth is - I LIKE it.
haha!! you're not - there's more of us - my T is a woman - older and greyer than me and i like even 'love' having her in my life in any way and being attached to her for me is a blessing that keeps me grounded - so no argument here!
for whatever reasons we are where we are UV, and i do understand - i'm very alone with a dog - as hard as it is when the waves of aloneness/emptiness/what's the point of it all wash over us - we have to take a deep breath and surface until the next wave and wait for the storm of emotion to settle!!
how bloody platitudinous does that sound? but really it's all we can do sometimes!!
thinking of you
Morgs
quote:as hard as it is when the waves of aloneness/emptiness/what's the point of it all wash over us
I hate my life too, I am married with two children and it is only the kids that keep me alive (I figure my husband can cope without me but the kids cannot). I hate feeling so unhappy all of the time and waiting to feel better seems impossible.
I was happy, always anxious but I was happy until a very traumatic event three years ago, since then my life has fallen apart and I don't know how to put it back together, although I am constantly trying.
I feel this way. Like a waste. I've had teachers and mentors insist I could be a great writer/poet. T thinks I should publish a book or would make a great T myself. I know I'm only 30 and could do a lot of things, but it seems so selfish to focus on myself when I have a family and scary to have ambitions and fail. Perhaps that is why my goals have always centered around other people and I never chose to become a writer, even though I desperately wanted to. I still can't see my way around that. I've submitted my poetry to a single journal all of once, was declined, and never tried again. I learned to play drums and guitar, but only just well enough to fake it in front of people who don't know what good sounds like. I majored in Japanese and never did anything with it, and now I'm losing it. I am contributing nothing to the world except passing along my care and wisdom to the next generation and there are so many ways I have and am failing at it that I wonder if I am just passing along my problems. Sorry...I just realized this is just me commiserating. It's not very encouraging. I will believe in you that you can do those things and it does not mean living in la-la-land. Can you believe in me as an exchange? I can't seem to do it for myself!!!
((((UV))))
Sorry you are feeling so down. Don't downplay your accomplishments. You've done so much for yourself even if you are unhappy. You have a lot to be proud of.
I love that you are attached to your T. And I love that you told him that you wanted to marry him. I think I cause myself a lot of pain denying those feelings in myself so you're doing a good job there.
You sound like a did a while back when all I wanted was to sell my house and buy a bar or restaurant in Key West and just live on the fringe. It sounded really nice to me but really wasn't realistic for me to move to Key West with my four babies.
I'm not saying your dreams or desires aren't realistic. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that it sounds like there's a lot of things you don't like, for instance, being alone, the debt, etc. and these other things seem more attractive. A way to get away from it all. Not that you don't really want to do these things or add them to your life. But it sounds like there's a lot there you are unhappy with and may need to make some changes. But you have to break it all down and take it step by step. Maybe if you felt as though you were moving towards something you liked, it would help you tolerate all the stuff you hate?
I don't buy the too old stuff, either for you OR AG for that matter. We're never too old. I'm not anyway.
Did anyone tell you when you were 16 that every little decision you made would have consequences and that these consequences would add up and at some point down the road you would be so far down a road that you don't want to be down???? No one told me that.
((((HUGS))))
Liese
Sorry you are feeling so down. Don't downplay your accomplishments. You've done so much for yourself even if you are unhappy. You have a lot to be proud of.
I love that you are attached to your T. And I love that you told him that you wanted to marry him. I think I cause myself a lot of pain denying those feelings in myself so you're doing a good job there.
You sound like a did a while back when all I wanted was to sell my house and buy a bar or restaurant in Key West and just live on the fringe. It sounded really nice to me but really wasn't realistic for me to move to Key West with my four babies.
I'm not saying your dreams or desires aren't realistic. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that it sounds like there's a lot of things you don't like, for instance, being alone, the debt, etc. and these other things seem more attractive. A way to get away from it all. Not that you don't really want to do these things or add them to your life. But it sounds like there's a lot there you are unhappy with and may need to make some changes. But you have to break it all down and take it step by step. Maybe if you felt as though you were moving towards something you liked, it would help you tolerate all the stuff you hate?
I don't buy the too old stuff, either for you OR AG for that matter. We're never too old. I'm not anyway.
Did anyone tell you when you were 16 that every little decision you made would have consequences and that these consequences would add up and at some point down the road you would be so far down a road that you don't want to be down???? No one told me that.
((((HUGS))))
Liese
uv, yep, i know. if only we woulda known then....i so much understand all that you are saying, and the depth of this awakening. i've been kavetching myself about it a bit.
the left brain versus right brain...i know we have spoken about the painting, but y'no what i did?? i bought some paint and have been painting...
now, i am no van gogh, even though i share his quest for sanity, but, it IS satisfying.
maybe it was somtehing about our generation. ...the "BUSINESS' world held some kind of aura for me...the suits (clothes always influence my direction)...i pulled out of fine arts major (at an awesome university for it) went commercial art, then advertising, then research..NUMBERS...
so many wasted opportunities, so much regret.
i know.
all i can say, is, i DO think some of this is normal...jung wrote alot on this, talking about a 'first adulthood' and a 'second adulthood'...some never pursue the second.
the first, is the typical stuff, pursuing career, $, family, 'success' at what society (and all too often , our parents) valued.
the second adulthood is what i think i am struggling, possible you too and many of ut here, is, realizing the 'lie' that we have lived. for many reasons...i would have to say, fear being one of the top. fear of 'stepping out of the lines' and doing what our inner being SO wants to do, fear of, for me, ursuing a careet that offered little financial reward, especially in the 80's, with all the yuppie bs that proprlled me into a more lucrative careet. and, yes, it was. BUT, at what cost to ME!!!!
anyway. this point of life, one realizes the lack of time ahead, the missed opportunities in the past, the 'pointlessness' of ssssooooo much of what we have strived for. the, for me, nasty realization that i am STILL trying to be noticed and accepted by my blind parents....yes, at 50, married, two teens...stlll, i am doing cartwheels in the front yard wishing someone would say "good job, jill!! i love YOU, you are so talented,i am proud of you. you are limitless in what you can do, follow your passions, jill, you are a passionate person, the world is waiting for YOU!!!'
ohhhhh, uv, this is nto meant to be all about me. i guess i just so relate to what you are feeling, and want to encourage you to not stifle this, but to move forward through it, and into the next adulthood for uv.
the one where uv rules, where uv is not afraid to do what she feels, the one where uv is her own judge, and she deeply approves of uv.
the one where you realistically pursue your dreams.
i agree, 50 is not 30. but, what can we do???
y'no, i had lunch with a friend the other day whose 96 year old grandfather was getting married. widowed for many years, this man STILL sees forward.
inspiriing.
uv, i wish i could make this better for you. i hear you. i know the regrets are very real. but, you are learning about you, and you are worth it.
now, my husband, the realist, would support some of this 'la la land'...but, his wife, the dreamer says that dreams are important.
and as to being attached to your t?? my answer...ENJOY THAT ENJOYMENT!! why not! (and it souncs like you do, and you don't shame yourself for it.)
i guess, there is so much in life that can be sucky, why would we deny relationships that give us pleasure..(assuming they are appropriate).
you will move through all of this, but, don't rush yourself, or judge yourself too harshly.
and, (as rationalization is one of my biggies)...everyone has regrets and missed deeds. i sure do. big big big ones. sucks. part of being in the human race that is much overrated!!
i know i am no help, but, i wish i could hug you and make it better. this is my lame attempt.
jill
the left brain versus right brain...i know we have spoken about the painting, but y'no what i did?? i bought some paint and have been painting...
now, i am no van gogh, even though i share his quest for sanity, but, it IS satisfying.
maybe it was somtehing about our generation. ...the "BUSINESS' world held some kind of aura for me...the suits (clothes always influence my direction)...i pulled out of fine arts major (at an awesome university for it) went commercial art, then advertising, then research..NUMBERS...
so many wasted opportunities, so much regret.
i know.
all i can say, is, i DO think some of this is normal...jung wrote alot on this, talking about a 'first adulthood' and a 'second adulthood'...some never pursue the second.
the first, is the typical stuff, pursuing career, $, family, 'success' at what society (and all too often , our parents) valued.
the second adulthood is what i think i am struggling, possible you too and many of ut here, is, realizing the 'lie' that we have lived. for many reasons...i would have to say, fear being one of the top. fear of 'stepping out of the lines' and doing what our inner being SO wants to do, fear of, for me, ursuing a careet that offered little financial reward, especially in the 80's, with all the yuppie bs that proprlled me into a more lucrative careet. and, yes, it was. BUT, at what cost to ME!!!!
anyway. this point of life, one realizes the lack of time ahead, the missed opportunities in the past, the 'pointlessness' of ssssooooo much of what we have strived for. the, for me, nasty realization that i am STILL trying to be noticed and accepted by my blind parents....yes, at 50, married, two teens...stlll, i am doing cartwheels in the front yard wishing someone would say "good job, jill!! i love YOU, you are so talented,i am proud of you. you are limitless in what you can do, follow your passions, jill, you are a passionate person, the world is waiting for YOU!!!'
ohhhhh, uv, this is nto meant to be all about me. i guess i just so relate to what you are feeling, and want to encourage you to not stifle this, but to move forward through it, and into the next adulthood for uv.
the one where uv rules, where uv is not afraid to do what she feels, the one where uv is her own judge, and she deeply approves of uv.
the one where you realistically pursue your dreams.
i agree, 50 is not 30. but, what can we do???
y'no, i had lunch with a friend the other day whose 96 year old grandfather was getting married. widowed for many years, this man STILL sees forward.
inspiriing.
uv, i wish i could make this better for you. i hear you. i know the regrets are very real. but, you are learning about you, and you are worth it.
now, my husband, the realist, would support some of this 'la la land'...but, his wife, the dreamer says that dreams are important.
and as to being attached to your t?? my answer...ENJOY THAT ENJOYMENT!! why not! (and it souncs like you do, and you don't shame yourself for it.)
i guess, there is so much in life that can be sucky, why would we deny relationships that give us pleasure..(assuming they are appropriate).
you will move through all of this, but, don't rush yourself, or judge yourself too harshly.
and, (as rationalization is one of my biggies)...everyone has regrets and missed deeds. i sure do. big big big ones. sucks. part of being in the human race that is much overrated!!
i know i am no help, but, i wish i could hug you and make it better. this is my lame attempt.
jill
((UV)) I'm hoping that things are looking up for you. I can't really add to this but I do understand.
UV,
I don't have anything to add either because you've already received such great feedback, but wanted you to know that I heard you and I understand. (((hugs)))
I don't have anything to add either because you've already received such great feedback, but wanted you to know that I heard you and I understand. (((hugs)))
(((((UV))))) Hope you are doing okay.
springreen,
I would have tried harder to stay with therapy. Not that I messed up in any huge way but lots of stops and starts, denying feelings, that kind of stuff. I wished I had sorted out all the family stuff. But I just wasn't ready.
UV,
You sound so much better. Glad to hear it.
Personally, I think it's okay to be tired. To say, you know what, I just need a break. I've worked hard, volunteered, raised a child. Now I want a little time for me. To have fun. A beachhouse sounds nice.
The hopelessness is hard. I agree, it's about the time left. Feeling in control of what we can be in control of. Living the life we want to live.
Glad things with your T are as steady as ever.
Liese
I would have tried harder to stay with therapy. Not that I messed up in any huge way but lots of stops and starts, denying feelings, that kind of stuff. I wished I had sorted out all the family stuff. But I just wasn't ready.
UV,
You sound so much better. Glad to hear it.
Personally, I think it's okay to be tired. To say, you know what, I just need a break. I've worked hard, volunteered, raised a child. Now I want a little time for me. To have fun. A beachhouse sounds nice.
The hopelessness is hard. I agree, it's about the time left. Feeling in control of what we can be in control of. Living the life we want to live.
Glad things with your T are as steady as ever.
Liese
Whenever I think of that, "What would you change," questions I always get these annihilation fears like, "Then the me that exists in this moment wouldn't exist and as much as I hate this me, it's me and I don't want to not exist." (except when I do want to not exist, LOL). Other than changing things other people have done, I guess maybe I would have pursued things I was passionate about (like writing) despite the work, the inconvenience to others in my life and the possibility of failure.
I wouldn't have stayed with such a bad therapist for nearly two years.
I wouldn't have had ect, the anaesthetic made me really super depressed
I would have learnt to stand up for myself 20 years ago.
I wouldn't have had ect, the anaesthetic made me really super depressed
I would have learnt to stand up for myself 20 years ago.
Halo, I'm so sorry to hear about the regrets. It isn't your fault. I know about ect, not from personal experience, I'll admit, but from a friend- who ended up much more depressed afterwards- it really did a number on this person- but people pressured him to do it when he was really vulnerable, and in need of his attachment figure who was leaving him- so he listened to his attachment figure, his son- and did it, because he kind of had no choice anymore. It is very hard when we get really depressed, because others can take over our lives, and stop asking us what we need. We become extremely vulnerable to others. It doesn't make you bad or wrong. It just makes you in a very difficult and painful situation for no fault of your own.
I hope so much that you will be able to find your voice, and be able to say "no" when you need to say no, and be respected for that choice. If you are not respected for that choice, but forced against your will without being able to say much- than that means that you need to find someone, a good therapist- keep looking-and praying- who is in a stronger position, who will speak for you until you find your voice again. A good therapist who can help with attachment and trauma, and build you up again.
I hope so much that you will be able to find your voice, and be able to say "no" when you need to say no, and be respected for that choice. If you are not respected for that choice, but forced against your will without being able to say much- than that means that you need to find someone, a good therapist- keep looking-and praying- who is in a stronger position, who will speak for you until you find your voice again. A good therapist who can help with attachment and trauma, and build you up again.