(((Beebs))),

I'm sorry you are having such issues getting the help that you need and deserve. How frustrating!! I know that you love your T and it wouldn't be the same, but could you look into a different T either in person or online? I just hate to see you go it alone, you know?

I'm sure all of the extra demands are exhausting as well, especially when you aren't feeling well yourself. I don't think there is anything wrong with putting yourself first. In fact I think it is a very loving thing for you to do. You can't help others if you are drowning. (((hugs)))

I agree with STRM, I would hate to see you go it alone. That's not taking care of you. I understand that its hard to stand up for ourselves (I'm including myself in this area) if there is any kind of assertion required, because many of us in therapy are used to thinking of ourselves as unworthy or less worthy, and are terrible about enforcing protective boundaries, so we let others needs deplete us because we aren't seeing to our own. Hmm, I can write it all out here and see the reasoning, but that doesn't mean I am a good example! Anyway, the best T's are not always necessarily the most expensive ones. There could very well be another T who is more affordable and who turns out to also be a better match, a win-win. Have you ever considered looking around for other options?

((((bb))))

Just having to work through an SD leave is hard. I had one who moved away and it was though. I did ask if we could keep in touch and we have, and it has helped the grief and loss not be so bad and has helped me move on and connect with others too. I don't know if this might be possible for you.

Time away from your T after experiencing the relief of being able to talk more often has got to feel defeating. I'm so glad you had that time though - to experience something you needed and deserved.

It is crummy that your T started charging so much and won't work that out to make it easier and more doable.

It sounds like you are having a hard time balancing all the demands on you and taking care of you and saying no... and it is hard to say no to others who are hurting, and for me, there is something about it that when I am hurting, it makes it harder to say no to others who are hurting too. It sounds like you are trying to take care of everyone but you.

You may feel like you are giving up on you, but I am not. You are worth it. Let us carry some of this for you and with you as you go through all of this. I'm glad you posted and it doesn't seem like your are venting, and even if you were, it would be very ok.

hang in there sweetie,
~jane

Definitely praying for you! I am in a place where everyone--daughter (obviously), husband, sisters, mother, etc.--is demanding what I don't have in me to give. And to not have that one place where someone is just "for you" during that must be heartbreaking. ((((BB))))) Glad you are coming here to share during all this.

quote:

I guess I feel like I have the answer to my unconscious question I have been asking all these years, and it's that, no, I am not loved unconditionally, and that yes, I do have to learn how to deal with that, and because I seem to have a disposition that isn't able to deal with that, I have to find a way to shut the pain off and just function again. I think I have to say goodbye to my "inner child."

I don't have words for how I felt when I read this. It's like you struck a tuning fork inside my core. ((((((((((((((((((BB)))))))))))))))))

I know it can seem that any care or love we receive actually has a secret price (a hidden demand) and interdependence seems impossible to even want. God loves you despite there being nothing you can offer him but your true self! That's so hard to get when the "love" offered by those who are supposed to model what it's like to have a heavenly Father wasn't secure. Sending my love your way too!!!

Your inner child still needs love and care and attention and hearing. I hope you can be kind enough to her to find a way for this to happen with a supportive loving person. I really feel for you. I send you lots of hugs.
(((((((((BB)))))))))))))

Nah, don't worry! I saw the warning and ignored it, 'cause I'd rather know what you've got to say. Empathy type triggers don't bother me. It's when my own real life crap triggers me (like today) that I freak out. At least empathy triggers make me feel less alone.

BB - Is it possible to stick with your T for individual stuff and maybe have him refer you to a free/cheaper option for the marital stuff? Since you are starting from scratch on the marital stuff, it seems it would be a lot easier to get a new T for that then to build a whole new relationship for individual counseling. If it helps, you can think of it as saving money in the long run. By the time you build this sort of relationship with a new T, you will have paid for (possibly) months or years of extra sessions to get back to that safe, attached place to go deeper from. From my experience with (limited) marriage counseling after last year's incident, doing it without the individual counseling addressing the underlying stuff I was repressing to survive made the whole process nearly pointless. Just some food for thought. I don't know if there really are other options, but I can't bring myself to giving up on what you need either!!! (((((((BB)))))))

Oh Beebs, I'm so sorry to hear this. Such a tough spot to be in, so much grief.

Please don't give up on your inner child. She is not going away, no matter how many times you say goodbye to her. Sooner or later, you will find you have to choose her, love her, care for her, feel her tenderness and her loving spirit. Give in, take her in off the doorstep and hold her. Put her first. You gotta get yourself reconciled to that day.

With love,
Jones

quote:

So yeah, I do feel I am giving up, in the sense that I am not giving up on my marriage, but I am giving up on *me.* I can't do it anymore, not when my T cannot see my need for him. I have to shut it down, and function, however disabled I may be. Does that make any sense? I guess I feel like I have the answer to my unconscious question I have been asking all these years, and it's that, no, I am not loved unconditionally, and that yes, I do have to learn how to deal with that, and because I seem to have a disposition that isn't able to deal with that, I have to find a way to shut the pain off and just function again.

BB - this makes so much sense to me. I feel like I could have written it. My whole life I have been what was once called "a doormat with attitude." I LOVE helping others, often at the sacrifice of my own needs. My inner hope was that I help everyone else - often because I see they need something, so I am ready before they even ask - that others will "see" what I need and I won't have to ask for their help. Yet, when that doesn't happen, I get angry and frustrated.

Just a few days ago I realized that I *had* given up on myself, but going back to therapy was a way to try to "fix" that. My T constantly reminds me that I am worth working on (cause I know others have so much more to deal with than me) and I have plenty of time to work with her. I would much prefer to help others, than to spend time working on me. It's easier to shut off my needs in favor of helping others. OR, at least it used to be easier.

I hope, hope, hope things work out so that you find the support that you need...

(((((BB)))))

BB - I think I get it. I have been doing to you what H does to me and going into fix-it mode. I just want to make it all better for you, but that's not what you needed! I'm sorry. I accept this as something that you just need to do because it's who you are. That's totally OK. not that you need my approval. I like who you are! And it's OK for who you are to mean you are hurting and to mourn over that. In fact, I think it's pretty healthy that you are making what you think is the best decision while also acknowledging how doing so is very painful. So, now that I get that, I'm just here to mourn with you over losing your individual sessions. And if you change your mind, I will be here to tell you that's OK too. (((((((((BB)))))))))

quote:

I know that I need to learn how to take care of myself, and love myself if no one else can do it

No, dear Bebe, not 'if no one else can do it'. When others do it, even when they do it; when others don't do it, even when they don't do it. You may not know how yet (and yet you do care for and love others beautifully, so I think you have an idea) but in any case the first step is accepting that this is necessary to living a life of love, instead of a life of (self)abuse.

It is really good to see you too.

Love,
Jones

BB... I hear your anguish in this decision and while I do not agree that you should have had to give up your cherished individual sessions with your T, I respect your decision.

I'm not sure why your T is suddenly so insistent that you work on your marriage and that this will somehow help you individually but then I am not in the "room" with you both and do not have all the information.

I know my T works hard on me with regarding to caretaking of everyone. I tried to take care of him and his feelings but he will not allow that. He is teaching me to allow him to care for me while I learn to care for myself. This is something I did not really have as a child and I am finally getting a taste of it and it feels really good.

I was happy to see how your therapy took off while you had those weekly sessions and I felt that things were finally going well for you in your very important relationship with your T. I felt that you were able to go session to session w/o too much anguish in between because there was no huge time lapse and that your relationship was growing and becomeing more secure. I am sorry that you find yourself in a corner where you have to make a choice between your marriage and your own sessions with your T. I have to say that I would not be as selfless as you are. My therapy is very important to me and I guard it like a lioness.

I wish I could find a solution for you to do both therapies with your T. I know how important he is to you and I am concerned that you also lost your SD who helped you too. Sending you support and hugs from here Beebs. I am here if you need to talk.

TN

I don't understand why you can't do both individual and marriage counseling.

quote:

I can feel that there is no judgement in you- just a sincere desire for connection with others, which is so lovely- and I thank you very much for that.

Literally gave me a big grin to read that. Thanks!

(((((((((((BB))))))))))))

BB - I totally feel you. Our sessions also cost $125 each and I'm going every week, H every other week. We might end up losing our condo. So far, we've been scraping by, trusting God that all that matters is we're together right now. It's a really faith-testing place to be when getting the healing you feel you need means not being sure other needs will be met. That whole "do not worry" about what you will eat and what you will wear is harder than it sounds!

BB,

I'm sure you have answered this before, but do you not have any health insurance coverage for T at all?

I swear, someday when I win the lottery (and I'm going to win! Big Grin), I am going to set up a foundation for mental health scholarships so that people who truly want and need help, but can't afford it can get the help that they need. Seriously. As an addendum to that, I'm going to offer scholarships for T's to get extra training in areas that many otherwise wouldn't pursue.

When H was going, and I was not, I used to get really bent out of shape over the cost of therapy, but I've kind of come around to a new way of looking at it.

I try to look at the perspective of what my T's costs probably are. He has a wife and (young adult) children. He has education expenses (BA, MA, PhD), which he probably spent a good portion of his career paying off. He shares the office I see him at, so he has to pay for that two days a week. He has two private practice locations close to where he lives, so he probably has additional rent expenses there. He drives 2.5 hours each way to get to my area, so gas is expensive (and he is away from his family during those days). I'm sure there are continuing education expenses--I have to imagine Ts are expected to keep up with a certain amount of up-to-date theory and legal stuff and pay for renewing licenses/certifications. He will have to pay self-employment tax (13.5-15% to cover the full social security/medicare taxes that employers usually split with you) in addition to income tax. This is outside usual business expenses: probably an accountant or bookkeeper (because I doubt he has time to do his own financial stuff), insurance (do Ts have to carry malpractice insurance?), health insurance for him/family (because he is self employed), supplies/materials that aren't included in his rent, communication expenses (I sure hope he has unlimited texting!).

I know from what little self-disclosure has naturally occurred that T is having to fix up his own home he just moved to (assuming he can't afford to hire someone) and that he has never even owned a new car. Plus, last year, he was only ever gone for two weeks, during the Christmas holiday. So, while the $125 is a real burden on me, I don't see it as excessive. He already discounts us (his usual rate is $150), he cut it to $75 for two months last year and when I told him I wasn't sure I could do every week, he said to just pay him every other week...which we did for a while, and caught up once our tax return came in. Considering, he spends so much time outside of sessions dealing with my texts, reading my journals, actually praying for me, I've come to accept that cost. I do think it's ridiculous that our insurance won't cover any portion of it.

I'm not saying you should feel bad for being resentful, because I sometimes feel the EXACT same way (like two weeks ago when I handed over a check for $1,000 to catch up on skipped payments). I just don't want you imagining your T is cruel or uncaring, because of the fee he charges. I bet he has a lot of expenses that make it necessary.

quote:

the first step is accepting that this is necessary to living a life of love, instead of a life of (self)abuse.

Easily said... feels impossible to do. But we'll all get there one day, right?

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
sorry I edit posts so much. Is that bad?

No, but deleting is!! j/k do whatever ever works for you, BB.