quote:

Something tells me that it is more likely that she is gloating in the joy of being needed, because after all....Ts tend to get into this profession because they like being needed.

LG,
I would find a T gloating over a client being attached to be a very scary, very red flag. If there in the profession because they like being needed, they haven't done enough work on themselves. I truly believe the calling has to be a sincere desire to help other people and much like a parent, work to put themselves out of a job. Therapy for them is NOT supposed to be about their gratification. Don't get me wrong, of course there is gratification in being able to help people, and I am sure a great deal of satisfaction when a client makes progress and learns to live in healthier way. But their gratification should never be at the expense of their clients' needs.

I think one of the biggest mistakes a T can make it to read too much into a client's attachment. In many ways, the game is rigged in favor of it. Something I really appreciated about my Ts reaction when I told him how I felt about him was that he was open and told me that he was flattered but he really did understand that it really wasn't about amazing and wonderful he was. That's when he told the story about a woman seeing her T years after ending therapy and thinking "what was I thinking, how could I have found him attractive?"

I think my T was happy to hear about those feelings because he knew what a powerful thing attachment can be to work with. There is no doubt in my mind that my attraction to my T was at the center of my work with him. But I also know that he worked very hard to not get anything out of it for himself. His goal was always that I would go out to live a full life, not stayed trapped by my feelings in a kind of half-life limbo where I could not know the person fully that I loved so deeply.

My T always says he is "blessed" by my having so much trust in him that I can be open to him and needy toward him in ways I don't feel comfortable with others, except H. So, I assume, yeah, there are positive feelings there. But, I guess I associate it as kind of a tender thing. Like, when I used to substitute teach and kids would come up to me and say, "You just made me understand [random concept] so much better than our regular teacher ever has!" It didn't make feel powerful or like gloating. It was more like, "Wow, I am doing something meaningful here. I am making a difference for this one person. If I weren't here, this kid might not have made this connection." It's such a positive feeling. It's different than pride in an accomplishment. It is a really meaningful and connected feeling, like being "meant for" something, I guess. I assume that's what he means when he says it blesses him to hear I am letting him underneath my armor in ways I haven't been able to with others. I'm kind of glowy juts thinking about that feeling right now. Makes me want to do something meaningful in a broader sense (because I know being home with my daughter during this early stage of development is just about the most meaningful thing I can do). But I'm too scared to fail!

quote:

It didn't make feel powerful or like gloating. It was more like, "Wow, I am doing something meaningful here.

Yes, this is what I meant. And how sweet that must have been to hear from those children that you impacted their lives in some way.

LG,
I think that's an entirely appropriate reaction. People who see your designs are seeing something that you are responsible for, it's your accomplishment that a room looks beautiful, so of course you're proud. I think its healthy to feel good when our talents and accomplishments are recognized. That's what I meant about a T enjoying their clients' progress. That is something they had a hand in.

But to be proud that a client has intense feelings seems misplaced to me because in some ways it has nothing, or at least not much, to do with them. It's really the fact that they are meeting a clients needs in long-deprived areas and making a relationship all about the client. That's what is so powerful for the client, not necessarily anything that is inherently the T's. Does that make any sense?

AG

LG,

So funny you brought this up because in some way that's exactly why I haven't brought up my attachment feelings for my T in the event that he would get something out of it. I do think it must be transference. something my evil sister did in revealing my feelings and then trampling all over them. I wonder how I would feel as a therapist if people felt that way about me. But then again, there's a good reason why I'd never make a good therapist.

LG,

Sorry I cross posted and didn't see all the responses. I see what you're saying and I agree that a T could get a sense of satisfaction knowing that a client finds them trustworthy. It's more about the fact that they shouldn't make it their goal to feel that way. Their goal should be whatever is best for the client, regardless of their feelings.

I wonder if your Ts quietness when you bring up your other T isn't about the fact that she doesn't want to be too critical of someone else you're working for or alternately, doesn't want to defend her and make you feel judged or ganged up on.

AG,

I get what you are saying. I can see how it would be questionable if a T took great satisfaction in their client's dependency on them. I do think, however, that many Ts view attachment as a positive thing in therapy, and perhaps even a goal of therapy for some clients.

quote:

When I think about my own profession (interior design)....when I hear people complimenting me, I get a little shy and sort of clam up, but internally I am feeling immense satisfaction.

I find the same thing in my profession. I shirk away compliments as they bother me immensely. A small part of me (my superego, I believe) loves the compliments, but the rational part of me is always questioning my worthiness of receiving them.

I hope that all of our Ts get satisfaction out of creating a safe space so that their clients can comfortably open up. I hope they also get satisfaction out of the fact that they are able to hold the trust of the least trusting people. I can imagine that sometimes it is uncomfortable for them to accept a compliment because of the nature of the relationship - we're very vulnerable in session, and at least for me, I know when I'm that open and raw, I may feel so strongly in the moment that my expressiveness comes out more in awe. When I'm more in my body, I can express genuine appreciation more genuinely. Does that make any sense?