Sorry...
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(((Yaku))))
I can only imagine the turmoil that you are experiencing over this issue. It is quite complex and something that I am sure is difficult to understand. I admire you for standing by your H even though that is the unpopular position to take within your family. That takes guts and loyalty and I certainly hope your H appreciates this from you.
I can also understand how you would have intimacy issues with H now. It may or not be connected to repressed stuff. I think it could simply be that there is a stigma that has been attached to him as a sexual predator and it is weighing on you. Or perhaps it is something deeper as you have suggested.
I can see why you are struggling lately with self-harm. You have a lot on your emotional plate!
I am glad that you were able to open up and share this backstory with us. I really feel for you and all that you are going through. Here for you any time!
I can only imagine the turmoil that you are experiencing over this issue. It is quite complex and something that I am sure is difficult to understand. I admire you for standing by your H even though that is the unpopular position to take within your family. That takes guts and loyalty and I certainly hope your H appreciates this from you.
I can also understand how you would have intimacy issues with H now. It may or not be connected to repressed stuff. I think it could simply be that there is a stigma that has been attached to him as a sexual predator and it is weighing on you. Or perhaps it is something deeper as you have suggested.
I can see why you are struggling lately with self-harm. You have a lot on your emotional plate!
I am glad that you were able to open up and share this backstory with us. I really feel for you and all that you are going through. Here for you any time!
Yaku,
I can't imagine why any of that would make any one of us hate you! I'm so sorry for everything that you've been going through. It certainly is a unique situation with many complicating factors. Thank you for trusting us enough to reach out here and explain what you are dealing with. (((hugs)))
I can't imagine why any of that would make any one of us hate you! I'm so sorry for everything that you've been going through. It certainly is a unique situation with many complicating factors. Thank you for trusting us enough to reach out here and explain what you are dealing with. (((hugs)))
Yaku,
So sorry about what happened. Understand how difficult this has been for you, especially at a time when you were starting your own family. You must feel like you are walking on eggshells. You have my empathy.
((((HUGS))))
Liese
So sorry about what happened. Understand how difficult this has been for you, especially at a time when you were starting your own family. You must feel like you are walking on eggshells. You have my empathy.
((((HUGS))))
Liese
Why do you think we would hate you?
Hi Yaku,
Just wanted to tell you that years ago, when I was at university, I shared a bed with a female friend a couple of nights. I also had a girlfriend at the time, so I was used to sleeping with and snuggling with her.
Anyway, my friend told me after the first night that I had tried to snuggle her in a more-than-friendly way, and she just put my hands back where they were supposed to be! I was mortified, but she took it very lightly and in good humour. The second night I actually woke up in the middle of going to embrace her - not sure if she woke up that time or not.
We are still very good friends now, and have never discussed it again - more, I think, because there was no question that I was actually asleep, so no big deal, rather than because it's unspeakable. She wasn't traumatised or hurt; it was just an accidental thing. As if I'd tripped over and accidentally put my hand somewhere it shouldn't have been.
I'm telling you this not because the situation is exactly the same, but because I just want to say there is no inherent shame in this. It may have been uncomfortable and unfortunate for your younger family member, and there may be things that she needs to work out about it, but it also wasn't an intentional sexual assault. Your husband was not conscious or in control of what he was doing. I think you can give great healing to yourself and everyone involved if you let yourself accept and believe that. You need to be clear about it. You didn't 'let' this happen any more than your husband did, or any more than your young relative did.
You have enough personal and medical evidence to know what the real situation is. You need to communicate that stuff with the people concerned, not as an excuse, but to give them (if you possibly can) the assurance and peace of mind that there was no intentional sexual assault. You are also taking all the necessary precautions to ensure that it doesn't happen again, and you can communicate that too. Nothing in doing this invalidates the discomfort for your family member, or her experience. But you took the situation seriously, you have checked it out thoroughly and have very good evidence about what really happened. The most important thing is to centre yourself so you can feel peaceful about it in yourself and as you communicate about it.
I believe this is a situation where self-doubt, misplaced guilt and self-castigation can make everything more traumatic for everyone involved. I know it's hard, but I would really encourage you to let all that go, as much and as often as you can.
Edit: To clarify - I realise you have already done a lot of communicating about this - I mean if you continue to talk about it with the people concerned. Incidentally, your actions in offering joint counselling seem excellent to me - at some point it is the other party's responsibility if they choose not to take that stuff up. I'm sorry for all the stress this places you under.
Take care,
Jones
Just wanted to tell you that years ago, when I was at university, I shared a bed with a female friend a couple of nights. I also had a girlfriend at the time, so I was used to sleeping with and snuggling with her.
Anyway, my friend told me after the first night that I had tried to snuggle her in a more-than-friendly way, and she just put my hands back where they were supposed to be! I was mortified, but she took it very lightly and in good humour. The second night I actually woke up in the middle of going to embrace her - not sure if she woke up that time or not.
We are still very good friends now, and have never discussed it again - more, I think, because there was no question that I was actually asleep, so no big deal, rather than because it's unspeakable. She wasn't traumatised or hurt; it was just an accidental thing. As if I'd tripped over and accidentally put my hand somewhere it shouldn't have been.
I'm telling you this not because the situation is exactly the same, but because I just want to say there is no inherent shame in this. It may have been uncomfortable and unfortunate for your younger family member, and there may be things that she needs to work out about it, but it also wasn't an intentional sexual assault. Your husband was not conscious or in control of what he was doing. I think you can give great healing to yourself and everyone involved if you let yourself accept and believe that. You need to be clear about it. You didn't 'let' this happen any more than your husband did, or any more than your young relative did.
You have enough personal and medical evidence to know what the real situation is. You need to communicate that stuff with the people concerned, not as an excuse, but to give them (if you possibly can) the assurance and peace of mind that there was no intentional sexual assault. You are also taking all the necessary precautions to ensure that it doesn't happen again, and you can communicate that too. Nothing in doing this invalidates the discomfort for your family member, or her experience. But you took the situation seriously, you have checked it out thoroughly and have very good evidence about what really happened. The most important thing is to centre yourself so you can feel peaceful about it in yourself and as you communicate about it.
I believe this is a situation where self-doubt, misplaced guilt and self-castigation can make everything more traumatic for everyone involved. I know it's hard, but I would really encourage you to let all that go, as much and as often as you can.
Edit: To clarify - I realise you have already done a lot of communicating about this - I mean if you continue to talk about it with the people concerned. Incidentally, your actions in offering joint counselling seem excellent to me - at some point it is the other party's responsibility if they choose not to take that stuff up. I'm sorry for all the stress this places you under.
Take care,
Jones
Actually I think standing firm (lovingly, while also listening and being open) about this is the best thing you could possibly do to take care of your loved sisters. It's not a matter of saying nothing bad happened (you are clearly not in denial), but of holding fast to what you know of the truth about what did happen. This is actually a way of choosing them, protecting them, loving them - even if they can't see it right now. Buying into misconceptions about it simply will not help anyone. You can't force them to see what you see, but what is the alternative here? Endorsing a harmful, untrue misconception? Agreeing with them that he meant to hurt them? Leaving your husband? You are not betraying them by holding to what you know, you are loving them the best way you know how. Truthfully.
Wishing you strength to weather the storm.
Jones
Wishing you strength to weather the storm.
Jones
I don't know if it helps, but my husband has a sleep problem - he appears to be awake when actually he is still asleep - it took me a while to work this out. I have had rational conversations with him but actually he is asleep but his eyes are open.Then once, I woke to find him trying to have 'intimate relations' with me, and I just froze - cos of my past history of abuse. but I lay there and became aware that he was still asleep and eventually he rolled off me. He had no memory of it in the morning at all. He is a good kind gentle sensitive man so was horrified when I told him what had happened.
I too have had worries about my daughter being in the same room when he is asleep - it is too horrific to mention my fears, I just hold my fears all on my own.
A woman here in england divorced her husband for raping her nearly every single night whilst HE was asleep and she could not wake him up.
It is sad for all parties.
I sympathize and I hope you can meet some well informed professionals who can help both you and your husband.
It is really hard for you adn thank you for posting. It must be a nightmare.
((((Y))))))))
I too have had worries about my daughter being in the same room when he is asleep - it is too horrific to mention my fears, I just hold my fears all on my own.
A woman here in england divorced her husband for raping her nearly every single night whilst HE was asleep and she could not wake him up.
It is sad for all parties.
I sympathize and I hope you can meet some well informed professionals who can help both you and your husband.
It is really hard for you adn thank you for posting. It must be a nightmare.
((((Y))))))))
Yaku- I dont know if we've met, but I wanted to say I definetly dont hate you because your husband has a medical condtion! It’s really too bad there isn’t more awareness about this condition to help people understand that it is a medical conditon.
Mac
Mac
No hatred from my quarter! I'm glad that you reached out for the support you need, right now.
Hugs,
BB
Hugs,
BB
quote:Yaku- I dont know if we've met, but I wanted to say I definetly dont hate you because your husband has a medical condtion! It’s really too bad there isn’t more awareness about this condition to help people understand that it is a medical conditon.
I agree with this; I work in a hospital and am pretty knowledgeable about med conditions, but I've never heard of this! It was actually mentioned on an episode of a TV show I watch recently, but I assumed it was made up (one character pretended to have it).
And I don't understand why you would ever think we could hate you over a medical condition your husband has!
Yaku,
I'm sorry I'm so late to this thread. I don't have much to add to all the wonderful responses you've gotten. I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. What a difficult situation to be in, but I do believe you've handled it really well, considering the needs of everyone involved. Thank you for trusting us enough to speak about it here.
AG
I'm sorry I'm so late to this thread. I don't have much to add to all the wonderful responses you've gotten. I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. What a difficult situation to be in, but I do believe you've handled it really well, considering the needs of everyone involved. Thank you for trusting us enough to speak about it here.
AG
Yaku
I remember that lost feeling. I had a difficult time learning to listen to myself and figure out what I wanted and needed. But that is what therapy was all about. My T created a safe place I could play and explore in to figure out who I really was and want I really wanted. It's really an incredible feeling when you get there.
AG
I remember that lost feeling. I had a difficult time learning to listen to myself and figure out what I wanted and needed. But that is what therapy was all about. My T created a safe place I could play and explore in to figure out who I really was and want I really wanted. It's really an incredible feeling when you get there.
AG