I am so sorry you are going through this. Call your ts if you can or tell them about it or both. Sadness is enough to use them. Even if they cannot do anything, the act of telling them can help you. Unless of course you meant you are not sure what they could do in that you are afraid they could hurt you somehow in which case - it is a whole other situation.

DF - I have my own anniversary date of the same kind. I'm almost two years out. It took me time before I could talk to my T about hitting the anniversary date and all the grief and shame. It is so hard. When I did, it did help. It's ok if it takes time for you to talk to your Ts about it, maybe even if you just share with them that "something" is making you sad, that might help... You survived a life threatening condition. That is no small thing. I understand the grief. I can't explain it either. I can say that you are very much not alone. I'm glad you posted.
many hugs,
~jane

DF,

What if you make a plan to do something nice for yourself on that date to celebrate how far you've come in the past year? Maybe buy yourself some flowers, get a pedicure, get a latte and go to your favorite park and soak up some nature?

DF,

I'm so sorry that this anniversary is hard for you, but you have really come so far and have so much to be proud of. I think the feelings you are having are very understandable and also completely okay to share with your T's. I'm sure they would want to know and help you through this so you wouldn't be alone in it. I understand that would be hard. I just hate to see you suffer without their help if you don't have to.

I agree with LG, Perhaps do something special for yourself. Celebrate all that you have done and how hard you have worked to get to this place you are now.

(((hugs)))

((((((DF)))))))

Let me just say I am so glad that you are here. I really get stuck on anniversaries too. It would be good if you can do something to take care of yourself on this day that reminds you of a time when you couldn't care about yourself, a choice to affirm that you are so happy to be here. I hope you can see how this experience has grown you, opened your heart. I sense so much care from you for everyone here and it is amazing to come through such darkness and lay claim to love and connection in just one year! I know you are hurting and I'll be praying you can rest and go easy on yourself as you struggle over what this day means to you. -Yaku

((((((DF)))))

You have done an amazing job turning yourself around in one year. You've really come a long way. I am so proud of you!!

(((((HUGS)))))

Liese

quote:

Anyways, maybe I will write s'more later but I just wanted to thank everyone for the support it means a lot.

Did somebody say S'mores?! Yum.

Seriously though...I think you need to get to thinking about something lovely to do for yourself. Oh, here's an idea...maybe you could go horseback riding!

((((((DF)))))) I'm so sorry the grief is so immense. Keep sharing if you can. Hang in there. I'm so sorry things are so dark right now. Lighter days will come. hugs, jane

quote:

the emotions coming up are just entirely too much for me to tolerate and all my "work" in therapy has been making it so that I do feel stuff... why would I want to feel this much pain? Ugh.

p.s. I was just thinking the same thing recently. Sometimes feeling all my stuff now is great, even when it's hard. But sometimes it is a waking nightmare that nearly pushes me over the edge, and I want to go back to numbing out. In the end, the more I feel, the easier it gets. The pain is not always less intense, but there is more healing that eventually comes in enduring the pain, and it eventually shifts, instead of being so "stuck." It's hard.

I wish I knew something that could help lessen the heartache and pain. Even though it is not getting better right now, "just" enduring, it is a step in healing... it is huge, it is hard, it is awful to endure. just keep taking it moment by moment. don't give up.

DF,

Yes, I've found it does tend to come in waves and it can actually be physically painful. Do you have a session on Wed?

quote:

I've literally done every healthy coping skill I can think of and I still feel this tug and deep sense of doom and sadness

Ugh I’ve been there… I hate feeling that nothing works….. I try and remind myself that coping skills aren’t going to take away the pain 100%, I mean they do sometimes when I’m just feeling a little anxiety, but for the bigger stuff they are supposed to help me be able to cope, but not take away all the pain because that’s dissociating and that’s not healthy! If I were you I would probably grab a bubble bar and take a bath to think. Somehow being in the bath with bubbles makes it a tad easier to feel all that shitty stuff you were talking about. Or if I can’t just go outside and breathe for a few mins till I can get home to my bath!

Mac

I agree, grief is a very tough emotion to dive into! It is complex and confusing for me too. It does come in waves, and I once told my T it feels like they knock me over and I start to drown... She said that in time, I will learn how to ride the waves, and until then, "keep working to stay afloat" and "keep letting me help me pull you up." I am begining to learn how to ride the waves when they come. Yes, you are so not alone in this! Keep reaching up. Grief and sadness and loss can take a huge toll physically, emotionally, and in every way... Hope you find some confort today.

p.s. I love bath stuff from Lush! enjoy!

SO funny I just went to lush yesterday! I got the Charlotte Island body tint which works AMAZING! I seriously look like I've been laying out in the sun for hours and got a really nice tan! It's been a huge pick me up to look down at my arms and see "tan" skin. I also got the sunny side bath bomb which seriously smells like sunshine and bright sunny places. I'm on a "i wish i was in a sunny place" kick!

No, to me it smells like lemons, papaya, and chocolate... which there's no chocolate in it so i dont know where that comes from! I love honey bee because it smells like Honey I Washed the Kids, and I've been meaning to try sex bomb for the longest time! enjoy!

My internet keeps dying every time I try to respond this morning. I am sorry you are in the inescapable "trap" of sadness. You are doing all the things you need to be (contacting T, expressing it here, trying other things, avoiding numbing). Even if you haven't been able to pull yourself out yet, as Jane is saying, you will surface eventually. I know how exhausting it can be. I also understand about disconnecting from the emotion in therapy. I know this is hard, so I'll just offer hugs. Be patient and kind with yourself. (((((((((((DF))))))))))))

DF,

Yes, that happens to me and I hate it!! I get there and it's like everything just shuts down and then I panic because I feel like T is sitting there waiting and waiting and I can't talk, there is no emotion and the longer it goes on the more panicked I get!

I will say that this is getting better over time, but it still happens from time to time and when it does I hate it!

(((((((DF)))))))) Replying isn't a burden. You have been such a blessing to me. I know there's nothing to say that will make it all magically go away...but I want you to know you are certainly not alone!!!

((((DF))))

Thinking of you today, sending you lots of love and encouragement.

quote:

you bring so much comfort to other people on these boards ..look after yourself DF .

I second that sentiment. ((((((((DF))))))))