Interesting and thanks forthe info and the warning! So, T lied when he said I didn't use a code word...sneaky T. It's funny how I picked that word out of my head. How exactly does one address these fears, especially if they can't remember the related trauma? Or do they just resolve on their own while therapy addresses other issues? Hrm...anyone else have experience with this?

If you want my advice, it is this- go very carefully, and pray a lot, or do whatever it is you do for guidance and clarity. I think (personally, and with full awareness that I could be dead wrong) that it is possible to screw ourselves up by self-diagnosing. We must take all of this stuff to our T and trust our T's judgement about diagnoses (unless he is an idiot T, in which case we should be trying to find another) and not try to move too quickly in therapy towards stuff like this. Yaku- you have barely had time to form basic trust with your T. Slow and steady wins the race. If we are spending a lot of time (and I speak from experience) reading stuff and then not taking our fears/concerns/thoughts about this stuff to our T, we run the risk of making things "become true" for us. Please understand- I may be wrong, and it's not a judgement- just my own experience, which of course is a very different experience from others here. I just felt it needed to be said, just in case there are others who are like me reading!

Peace,

BB

No, for sure, I understand, BB. I have already talked about this stuff to T and he basically said the same thing as above...but he also told me I didn't use a code word and obviously there is already literature on it, so I'm wondering if he's holding back on me for some reason (or just trying to make sure I didn't freak out). I'm just wondering how he is going to work with me on it.

Thanks for the perspective, UV. TRIGGER WARNING IF ANNIHILATION STUFF FREAKS YOU OUT!

My annihilation feelings take so many different forms, so I have no idea where they'd fall or what I can do about them. They get me all worked up and it's like I can feel the thoughts physically bouncing around on the inside of my skull. I don't know if that makes sense.

I get your basic, "What if I'm wrong and there is nothing after death and I just cease to exist?" which throughout my life randomly sneaks up, freaks me out and sends me into panic so bad I can't sleep or even keep my eyes closed. It's like I lose control over my eyes, they are darting all over the place. Ugh. My H just says, "Well, if that's the case, you won't know or feel anything, so who cares?" But it mortifies me when I am in one of those moods.

I also get, "What if I'm not real?" anxiety. Either, literally not real, or that I'm so composed of what everyone else wants me to be that when we dig down to my core, we'll find out I don't have one, like I'm soul-less or something.

Then, there are, "What if something I do alters me so fundamentally that the me that exists today disappears or disintegrates? What happens to this me? Will the me that takes my place be someone else? Does that mean I won't really exist anymore?" These are especially related to therapy and questions T has asked like if I wanted to consider meds.

Also, I'm afraid of give up my little helpless parts, like everything that makes me unique, creative, etc. is stored there. I know I dissociated them for so long, but every time I am "in touch" with them (which usually involves major depression, suicidal thoughts, etc.), I feel like making them grow up will end me.

I'm not sure if the last one's are annihilation feelings or something else, but I also get panicked about fearing death, not just death itself. Like, knowing I will die soon, but not being able to do anything about it, and that helpless feeling of not knowing what moment it will come and how scary that will be. And, in those moments, I literally think, I would much rather just take myself out now and be in control of my own end than have to face that fear, the helplessness, the being at the mercy of God or time or whatever.

I do want to note, I don't feel like this ALL the time, but they have come up throughout my life and therapy has made them frequent enough that I occasionally question if I'm losing my mind.

PS - I'm a bit afraid to read all the links you posted in case it gives me new fears. Have you found that reading about it increases or decreases this experience?

Sorry. I didn't need to drag out anything difficult. Thanks for the empathy and information. No, I'm not on meds of any kind. H doesn't want me on them, because he's worried they might increase my bad thoughts. I actually have annihilation fears about meds making me "not me" anymore, so while I considered them when T gave the option, I ended up choosing not to see the Dr.