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quote:I've experienced him being right about that. But I feel left behind once again, like it is "functional me" and "sexual me" that is valued, and "little me" is a piece of worthless crap that should be ignored and stuffed in the closet..
(((((((((((((((((((BB)))))))))))))))))))
Oh, BB! I am hurting for you.
I know how this feels. It aches. It's like a wound that won't heal.quote:I don't get what is SO wrong with me that my very wonderful and loving T would screw me up even more, that his Christian approach would be so harmful to me, that I need some psychologist to help me from a scientific perspective or something. I'm maybe not such a believer as I thought I was.
I know it may not help, but I feel like this every time my T just wants me to "abide" with Christ in my brokenness. And I want to say, "Yeah, that's great! But I need to UNDERSTAND my brokenness, connect with it, before I can accept it and bring it to God. AND YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME!!!"
I know how painful this must be for you. You love your T. You are attached to him. You want him to be the one to lead you where you feel you need to go. And it hurts that he can't or won't do it. I know it must be hard to see anything positive here, but what I am seeing from you is someone who is able to identify, "This is what I need and it hurts that you won't acknowledge it and give it to me." And doing that is a way of valuing yourself. Of saying what you feel matters. Of claiming part of you for yourself rather than letting others tell you who you are, what you should be and how to get there. So, I hope you can at least see that is a sort of growth. And I hope you do stick around, because I will miss your input very much!!! You've been so much help in these last few weeks, relating to my struggles with H and T. And I wish I could (and hope I can someday) give some of that back to you.
(((BB))))
Sorry you are in so much pain.
Sorry you are in so much pain.
Beebs! My heart is breaking for you. I was going to quote some things you wrote but I would be quoting your whole entire post here. There is so much pain in what you write. And I do understand so much of it. I am sorry your therapy has come to this.
A couple of things... first... you know that I understand the pain of separating from a therapist you are super-glued attached to. I understand the grief and the loss and the huge hole it leaves in your heart and your life. So please be aware that I am one of the few people here that do have first hand unfortunate knowledge of this.
That being said... Beebs... I really want you to somehow pick yourself up, tell yourself that you are worth much more than you are being given and make that appointment with the guy T you heard back from who works in attachment and who does not fear attachment. You wrote about him on one of your other threads. At least see him for a consultation (and ask if he works on a sliding scale). You need to find some professional clarity from all of this that is going on with your current T.
I see a few very troubling things happening with him at this point. One is his total lack of consistency that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You are not the one who is supposed to be holding the boundaries... especially in regard to money! That is his job and if he does not charge you then fine, please don't insist on it. And I think it's horrible he charges you for your emails. If they are too long and take too much of his time then it's up to HIM to set the boundary not you. He should tell you ... I will only read one page of an email or only once per week or something, whatever he feels he can offer without charge and w/o coming to resent it. And if he does not cash your checks then it's his problem. You are not obliged to send him another check. Oh this makes me so angry at him. Inconsistent T's are the worst... they play with your head and make you feel crazy or undeserving or too demanding when it's THEIR PROBLEM.
The other thing that is freaking me out is that he is insisting that your husband will solve your problems through the relationship. That is total BS in my opinion. Your husband cannot be your attachment figure and that is what you need.... a solid, consistent, stable attachment figure who has his OWN secure attachment status to help regulate you, give you that secure base and to become internalized inside you to help you live your life... and THEN... you can pursue growth in your relationship with your husband. You have to be happy withing yourself, comfortable w/you and secure in who you are before you bring that into the marriage. It's too difficult for someone who is not a T to act as the attachment figure (AF). The AF has to make it all about you and put their needs aside to focus on your needs and a h or a sister or a friend cannot do that because their needs will eventually come into the picture. A T is the perfect one to be an AF for this reason. But it seems that your T is uncomfortable in being your AF... NOT because of you or anything you do but because of his own issues.
Another thing.... you cannot rush through therapy with the idea that you will spend less money. It does not work that way and trying to do too much ends up backfiring on you. You end up too triggered and too overwhelmed by grief, trauma, fear etc. Then it takes more time to unravel that and repair before you can move along to the next issue.
Aside from that... you need a really really skilled T to work with you in individual therapy and maintain your sacred space and the relationship within the therapy before you bring into the mix another person to do marital therapy. I could not do it. It was too threatening to even do parenting with my dh and my T.
Your T cannot just "fix" your marriage. You have to be healed first Beebs. YOU are very important here and so is your little child. My T talks to me all the time about that little child inside me and how I have to take good care of her and he wants me to get to know her, even though it terrifies me. He totally understand show important she is and how I need to integrate her back into me to become whole and to have my emotional brain and my intellectual brain communicate more efficiently. He respects that inner little me and treats her with kindness. That is what you need to... and what you deserve to have.
Beebs... please promise me that you will be good to yourself and dust yourself off and call that attachment T and meet him just once at least to hear what he has to say. You need that clarity to help you. I know it will make a difference for you. I wish I had done this for myself back last summer. I didn't realize that even though I'm an educated patient... I was too emotionally involved and too invested in the relationship to see clearly what was going so badly wrong.
You need that someone who is focused on your past, who cares about it, wants to hear about it, is willing to talk about it over and over and over again and who can help you find ways to cope. But as you felt heard and understood you will begin to get stronger and then you will need less coping skills and you will find yourself opening up to others and your marriage will improve.
I'm sending you a lot of hugs and kind thoughts. I hope you will continue to post here and allow us to help you through this.
TN
A couple of things... first... you know that I understand the pain of separating from a therapist you are super-glued attached to. I understand the grief and the loss and the huge hole it leaves in your heart and your life. So please be aware that I am one of the few people here that do have first hand unfortunate knowledge of this.
That being said... Beebs... I really want you to somehow pick yourself up, tell yourself that you are worth much more than you are being given and make that appointment with the guy T you heard back from who works in attachment and who does not fear attachment. You wrote about him on one of your other threads. At least see him for a consultation (and ask if he works on a sliding scale). You need to find some professional clarity from all of this that is going on with your current T.
I see a few very troubling things happening with him at this point. One is his total lack of consistency that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You are not the one who is supposed to be holding the boundaries... especially in regard to money! That is his job and if he does not charge you then fine, please don't insist on it. And I think it's horrible he charges you for your emails. If they are too long and take too much of his time then it's up to HIM to set the boundary not you. He should tell you ... I will only read one page of an email or only once per week or something, whatever he feels he can offer without charge and w/o coming to resent it. And if he does not cash your checks then it's his problem. You are not obliged to send him another check. Oh this makes me so angry at him. Inconsistent T's are the worst... they play with your head and make you feel crazy or undeserving or too demanding when it's THEIR PROBLEM.
The other thing that is freaking me out is that he is insisting that your husband will solve your problems through the relationship. That is total BS in my opinion. Your husband cannot be your attachment figure and that is what you need.... a solid, consistent, stable attachment figure who has his OWN secure attachment status to help regulate you, give you that secure base and to become internalized inside you to help you live your life... and THEN... you can pursue growth in your relationship with your husband. You have to be happy withing yourself, comfortable w/you and secure in who you are before you bring that into the marriage. It's too difficult for someone who is not a T to act as the attachment figure (AF). The AF has to make it all about you and put their needs aside to focus on your needs and a h or a sister or a friend cannot do that because their needs will eventually come into the picture. A T is the perfect one to be an AF for this reason. But it seems that your T is uncomfortable in being your AF... NOT because of you or anything you do but because of his own issues.
Another thing.... you cannot rush through therapy with the idea that you will spend less money. It does not work that way and trying to do too much ends up backfiring on you. You end up too triggered and too overwhelmed by grief, trauma, fear etc. Then it takes more time to unravel that and repair before you can move along to the next issue.
Aside from that... you need a really really skilled T to work with you in individual therapy and maintain your sacred space and the relationship within the therapy before you bring into the mix another person to do marital therapy. I could not do it. It was too threatening to even do parenting with my dh and my T.
Your T cannot just "fix" your marriage. You have to be healed first Beebs. YOU are very important here and so is your little child. My T talks to me all the time about that little child inside me and how I have to take good care of her and he wants me to get to know her, even though it terrifies me. He totally understand show important she is and how I need to integrate her back into me to become whole and to have my emotional brain and my intellectual brain communicate more efficiently. He respects that inner little me and treats her with kindness. That is what you need to... and what you deserve to have.
Beebs... please promise me that you will be good to yourself and dust yourself off and call that attachment T and meet him just once at least to hear what he has to say. You need that clarity to help you. I know it will make a difference for you. I wish I had done this for myself back last summer. I didn't realize that even though I'm an educated patient... I was too emotionally involved and too invested in the relationship to see clearly what was going so badly wrong.
You need that someone who is focused on your past, who cares about it, wants to hear about it, is willing to talk about it over and over and over again and who can help you find ways to cope. But as you felt heard and understood you will begin to get stronger and then you will need less coping skills and you will find yourself opening up to others and your marriage will improve.
I'm sending you a lot of hugs and kind thoughts. I hope you will continue to post here and allow us to help you through this.
TN
((((Beebs)))))
I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain and that your therapy has come to this. I totally agree with everything that TN said.
I also wanted to comment on your T saying that he wants your H to be your therapist. That is not possible and makes as much sense as (if you need surgery) a surgeon telling you that he wants your H to do your surgery.
Please keep us posted. Again, I'm very sorry for your pain.
I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain and that your therapy has come to this. I totally agree with everything that TN said.
I also wanted to comment on your T saying that he wants your H to be your therapist. That is not possible and makes as much sense as (if you need surgery) a surgeon telling you that he wants your H to do your surgery.
Please keep us posted. Again, I'm very sorry for your pain.
BB,
I want to echo what TN said. If it's at all possible, I would check out that attachment T. I love my T and am super-attached (beyond the point of being able to leave unless he does something to push me away), but if I could do one thing over, I would go in knowing where my T stood on attachment and communication. My T seems to be responding well so far, but I still don't really know where he is at and it makes me feel so insecure!
Also, I think sending such a raw email could probably be more progressive than any amount of just doing what you think your T says is best for you. Hoping he really "gets" it and is able to give you a good sense of where he really stands, so you know what is you projecting and how much of this marital vs individual therapy stuff is his real opinion.
I want to echo what TN said. If it's at all possible, I would check out that attachment T. I love my T and am super-attached (beyond the point of being able to leave unless he does something to push me away), but if I could do one thing over, I would go in knowing where my T stood on attachment and communication. My T seems to be responding well so far, but I still don't really know where he is at and it makes me feel so insecure!
Also, I think sending such a raw email could probably be more progressive than any amount of just doing what you think your T says is best for you. Hoping he really "gets" it and is able to give you a good sense of where he really stands, so you know what is you projecting and how much of this marital vs individual therapy stuff is his real opinion.
(((((bb)))) so sorry you are dealing with so much painful stuff and so sad. I can’t post more now – gotta run – but just wanted to say that for all you are dealing with and going through, you are asking a lot of good questions and making wise decisions. I don’t think any of this is happening because you have done anything wrong or failed at anything. I don’t think it’s even about approaching therapy well enough or not – and yet I have struggling myself with wondering how I handle everything. From this perspective, I think you are approaching all of this really well. You have a lot of doubt in yourself and are so hard on yourself, yet even in the midst of struggling through deep pain and really deep core kind of issues (this is hard stuff for anyone to be sorting it out), I just want to say that I think you are doing a pretty darn good job and saying and doing so many things that seem very right on. The spiritual aspect, attachment, marital stuff ~ everything. I think you are questioning the right things and I am glad you are posting and sharing about this. I’m sorry your T isn’t more supportive and in sync with what you need, in your process of healing right now. I can really understand why you would be feeling indecisive and going back and forth. I would be too… I hope it gets easier soon.
Lots of hugs,
~ jane
Lots of hugs,
~ jane
Ugh...the financial issue is such a pinch with your T. No wonder you are confused. It seems like HE doesn't even know how he feels about it. Thinking of and praying for you, BB. ((((((hugs)))))))
Wow...that's the kind of message I would send something back to my T saying, "You may not mean it this way, but I read that as you saying..." I wish I could say something to help. It would be nice if he would just be direct about it...like, "I want to keep working with you, but I really can't take the cost down, so I think a local T would be a good idea. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to help you more." I don't know what it is lately, but reading comm from other peoples' T's has me projecting about THEM too. Is it OK if I psychically flick him for you? 
I think T is human and wants to help, but my impression is that he doesn't "get" it, which is so frustrating, especially since your last few emails are laying things out so directly. I'll keep praying!!! I could be totally off base, though. I think maybe those who have worked with multiple Ts or been in therapy longer might have a better idea.
Huge big hugs BB. I'm so sorry for this. I know this is not how you wanted it to go. I don't know what will happen, but I know that you need clear, consistent, regular support from a skilled helper. I'm frustrated that your T has not been providing that, and has not seemed to know how essential it is to MAKE it clear, consistent, regular for you. I know - I hope it is okay to say this - that you find it difficult to know how to be clear, consistent, regular in yourself. I know that would make it harder in the communication with T. But the thing is - that is his job. If that is lacking in your relationship, and things are going badly awry (they are and have been for a while) it is HIS job to bring those things. I know the long distance makes it harder, but it's not just the long distance, I believe.
I have been amazed at how much *easier* it is for me to work with Manatee. He gets it. He doesn't say anything -just listens and asks questions - until he gets it, and then he *really* gets it. Though it is new and uncertain I feel much safer in that relationship than I have in any other T relationship. I want the same for you.
I know you must be in great pain about this. I know how deeply deeply deeply you are attached. I know you still would like it to work out and perhaps it will. I don't know what is best for you. But I too would *really* like to see you give a chance to someone else, in particular the nice T who was clear about between session contact and the importance of attachment. Just in case there is a way of making all this *easier* for you. You actually don't deserve for all this to be so hard - and I actually don't believe it is your fault.
much love,
Jones
I have been amazed at how much *easier* it is for me to work with Manatee. He gets it. He doesn't say anything -just listens and asks questions - until he gets it, and then he *really* gets it. Though it is new and uncertain I feel much safer in that relationship than I have in any other T relationship. I want the same for you.
I know you must be in great pain about this. I know how deeply deeply deeply you are attached. I know you still would like it to work out and perhaps it will. I don't know what is best for you. But I too would *really* like to see you give a chance to someone else, in particular the nice T who was clear about between session contact and the importance of attachment. Just in case there is a way of making all this *easier* for you. You actually don't deserve for all this to be so hard - and I actually don't believe it is your fault.
much love,
Jones
quote:From what you have said, your T's claim that he is attachment focused doesn't fit...otherwise he wouldn't be focusing on your marriage as the first line of attack.
It's not you BB. Either your T is a little wobbly in where he is 'coming from' with his style of therapy or wires are badly crossed somewhere. It would be so good if, armed with direct questions, you could sit and just have a discussion about this. It's desperately important.
Monte this was very well put and I agree.
Beebs, the problem you are having to deal with is your T's inconsistency. That is a biggie in trying to attach and feel secure within the relationship. His constant talk about fishing for yourself and having your husband be the one you should focus on in healing... that is what is playing havoc with your sense of attachment to him. My T has told me numerous times that I not only should listen to what he says but also what he does and how he acts, to watch his expressions and if this does not all match up then I need to question him and if I don't like the answer I need to leave... him or any other T. So I watch him and listen to him and he is well matched so far, except for tonight where he sort of freaked me out about something that I am going to email him about.
Oh... I just saw your post about his response to you...I can see where you see that as him trying to send you away. I think he was responding to what you say that you want. I don't think it's ethical for them to really stop you from going, but maybe to just dialogue about the reasons so you are clear. But ouch... that would hurt badly to get a response like that. I know how that feels.
I know you are confused... and with good reason. You have a lot to contend with and you struggle with who comes first and you tend to put others there and not yourself. I think in this case you need the consult and that will hopefully give you the clarity you need to help you make the right decision for you.
I'm thinking of you Beebs. Stay strong.
TN
Beebs I keep thinking about you saying you are testing to see if he really wants to keep seeing you.
I don't know if there is an answer to that question (I'm not sure if that's really how the T relationship works) but I think there's another layer of testing too - does he really understand my needs?
I see you trying and trying and trying to communicate those needs, and sometimes making progress, but it's like when you are not 100% with that he drops the ball. Doesn't "get" that you need him there, every week, no matter what. Doesn't get that three weeks of that is not enough to stabilize you. Doesn't get what happens to you when you don't have that predictable presence. Or possibly gets it and wants you to find your own way to a framework that works for you. But actually I think just doesn't experientially get it. I remember he works irregular sessions with many clients, is that right? I don't think he understands, Beebs, deep down, this element of insecure attachment and the need for a stable, secure framework. It's been putting you through hell.
Sorry for these fragmentary responses - I am at work, but thinking of you.
love,
Jones
I don't know if there is an answer to that question (I'm not sure if that's really how the T relationship works) but I think there's another layer of testing too - does he really understand my needs?
I see you trying and trying and trying to communicate those needs, and sometimes making progress, but it's like when you are not 100% with that he drops the ball. Doesn't "get" that you need him there, every week, no matter what. Doesn't get that three weeks of that is not enough to stabilize you. Doesn't get what happens to you when you don't have that predictable presence. Or possibly gets it and wants you to find your own way to a framework that works for you. But actually I think just doesn't experientially get it. I remember he works irregular sessions with many clients, is that right? I don't think he understands, Beebs, deep down, this element of insecure attachment and the need for a stable, secure framework. It's been putting you through hell.
Sorry for these fragmentary responses - I am at work, but thinking of you.
love,
Jones
Beebs - this is why I brought up Manatee before. Since beginning it is very clear whenever I walk in there that he has a definite plan for the session, within a plan for the therapy. Somehow he is still absolutely open to me, but I feel strong guidance from him, and it makes me feel safe. I know that when I'm ready I will want to take charge more and we will probably tussle, but I don't have to flounder around, and that is really helpful and healing for me. Some people DO work like this. I don't know if he's like that with everyone, but I know it helps me and I suspect you would do well with that kind of approach too.
love,
Jones
love,
Jones
I know, Beebs. The thing is, it's not all you - not about whether *you* are able to find it, but whether *he* is able to provide it. If he were able to, I'm quite sure he would have. I am quite sure he cares about you and has wanted to do what is right for you. But this is why I mention that he has this irregular approach with other clients. It is something in him. It is something in him.
You are entitled to continue to choose this path, Beebs. I know you love him.
((((((BB)))))
You are entitled to continue to choose this path, Beebs. I know you love him.
((((((BB)))))
If your T has any integrity, and I believe he does, he would never have you believe that he is the only possible path to the truth for his clients - or even that he is able to be the path to the truth for all his clients.
I am not surprised you are tired - you have been trying so hard for so long - but it is certainly not about you not measuring up.
xxxJ
I am not surprised you are tired - you have been trying so hard for so long - but it is certainly not about you not measuring up.
xxxJ
quote:All of this kept feeding my hope that if I could just find the right combination of words, all would be well. If I could just do it right, he would then be able to help me.
[quote]
Beebs, honey... I am sorry to tell you that this here is a reenactment of your childhood. If you could just get it right and just be "good enough" then your parents would give you their love and attention. If you could just find the way to make them happy they would love you. It's what I did with my oldT. He could not be the steady attachment figure I needed to heal and I tried SO DAMN HARD, even playing therapist myself in order to make the relationship work because I loved him and I needed to keep the relationship going. It felt like life and death to me. But as my new T patiently explains over and over again... it was not me that was lacking it was something in him that was lacking. His ability to keep one foot in his own world and not enmesh with mine, he was not able to handle intimacy and intense feelings, he was unable to stay clear and consistent. This hurts people who are in therapy for the reason that they have already been hurt by previous caregivers. It plays with your head and is totally crazy making.
I'm not saying your T is a bad person, he just cannot do what is needed to help you. And I'm not saying you should leave him because that is your decision and I know it is nearly impossible for you to consider but I hear that you are tired and weary of the struggle. I just want you to consult with someone else, just to validate your feelings about all of this. And to see and feel the potential of having a real live in-person T to meet with weekly. Just to get a taste of what that is like. I have to tell you that I felt better after the very first session I had with my new T. Not attached to him at all but very understood and heard. I felt calmer when I left him and could not wait to go back to see him again because of that ability he had to calm my nervous system.
I hate that you are struggling like this and it's so painful for you. I would so much rather have you tell us that things are wonderful. You are in my thoughts Beebs and I do hope that you find a break in the clouds so you can find your way to what you really need and deserve.
Hugs
TN
Beebs, does it feel like the pain is being 'let out' and contained? By contained I mean - you feel like it is heard, understood to the degree that it is soothed by the feeling of having someone there with you in it, someone who is not overwhelmed by it. Or does it feel like the pain of the past is reproduced, and you are hoping that there's an endpoint where it will all resolve and feel better?
(And yes, it's okay if your shoes aren't doing it.
and yes to everything TN is saying too. )
(And yes, it's okay if your shoes aren't doing it.
and yes to everything TN is saying too.
)
Echoing what TN said, you have to fix "you" before you can fix your marriage. The two can be worked on simultaneously, but I don't see how the marriage gets fixed without doing the individual work.
I am so very sorry that you are not going to be able to continue individually with him. ((((BB)))) Stay strong and keep on doing the work, even if you have to do it without him.
I am so very sorry that you are not going to be able to continue individually with him. ((((BB)))) Stay strong and keep on doing the work, even if you have to do it without him.
I don't know, I am no expert, I just I feel like experiences of uncontained pain are not therapeutic, should not be intentional. Sometimes of course they happen anyway, depending on our situations, but I don't think the therapist should ever be aiming to send us into the blackness, not knowing our way out, in order to later reveal something. I don't think that is healing.
My experiences of healing have been in having someone beside me.
Beebs, I had that feeling too for a while with Manatee, and was scared to see him because of the potential for my feelings to be 'out of control' or 'wrong' like this. Although it's early days I don't really feel scared of that now. I feel like - he's just a therapist in the room with me. I want therapy from him. I am actually (so far) not the seething ball of erotic transference I thought I would be. And I don't need to be deprived because of wrong or bad feelings. I believe that's true of you too. You may feel deprived in your life, but I think if you were getting what you needed out of the therapy, that wouldn't automatically turn you into a sex fiend. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't.
love,
Jones
My experiences of healing have been in having someone beside me.
quote:I suppose that he, my T, thinks that I am severely deprived and if he fills that deprivation even slightly that I will fall erotically in love with him. Which I probably would.
Beebs, I had that feeling too for a while with Manatee, and was scared to see him because of the potential for my feelings to be 'out of control' or 'wrong' like this. Although it's early days I don't really feel scared of that now. I feel like - he's just a therapist in the room with me. I want therapy from him. I am actually (so far) not the seething ball of erotic transference I thought I would be. And I don't need to be deprived because of wrong or bad feelings. I believe that's true of you too. You may feel deprived in your life, but I think if you were getting what you needed out of the therapy, that wouldn't automatically turn you into a sex fiend. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't.
love,
Jones
(((((((((((BB)))))))))))) I'm sorry he didn't read your email. It really is HIS loss, because that sort of honesty is a chance for real progress. Does he charge you for the reading or just the responding? Maybe you could ask him to read it, but not respond, and then when you have the ability to do an individual session, you can cover that stuff. It's not your job to force your H to do therapy or inspire him to engage in it. It has to be something he wants on his own and connecting with him so that he feels the work is important is more T's job than yours. You are his wife, not intermediary therapist!
BB, I am late here cuz I just couldn't get to the forum yesterday, but I am sorry for all the pain you are going through. I want to say it would please me to see you getting some real face-to-face support locally, to not give up. I don't want you to believe you must remain in this hopeless festering state. I agree that it is at least worth a consult with the one T who seemed a possibility before you make up your mind for sure. Baby steps forward, k? Just keep exploring options. I want you to feel empowered.
Oh, BB...I feel this way right now too. I keep laying myself open and I feel certain T will hate what he sees. (((((((((BB)))))))))))
It's just the waiting game that makes me believe he hates me...like, can't he tell how much I need him to just reassure me he's OK with what I said? And is he withholding it because I'm wrong and bad for needing him like this? I'm sure you project stuff like this all the time too, from your T's responses or lack of response or inconsistent responses. It must be so confusing for you right now. I'm sorry. (((((hugs)))))
Here I am, getting comfort from you in your own thread. Sorry. I'm in a really bad place right now and I wish I could call him, but knowing he is too busy to respond to my texts (or worse, just doesn't "get" where I am at), I just can't...
I'm sorry, BB. I do hope when your T reads your email, he can find a way to communicate with you about it during your marital session (maybe have 15 minutes individual time with you and your H?).
Sorry. I'm in a really bad place right now and I wish I could call him, but knowing he is too busy to respond to my texts (or worse, just doesn't "get" where I am at), I just can't...I'm sorry, BB. I do hope when your T reads your email, he can find a way to communicate with you about it during your marital session (maybe have 15 minutes individual time with you and your H?).
Beebs I know you are paralyzed and the only cure for that is some kind of action. Like going to see another T for a consult.
I think you have tried to tell him how you feel and you certainly have written to him of it. I think the issue here is that he is unable to be what you need him to be in order to heal. He allowed the boundaries to get all muddled and fuzzy in the way of outside contact and I don't know how he could solve this without you feeling like he is punishing you or is uncaring. Aside from that he is pushing this marital therapy in place of your own individual therapy hoping if you are happy with your dh then his job is done. But I honestly don't see how you can do this marital therapy if you are so unhappy about yourself. And if seeing your T for marital stuff is threatening to you aside from feeling the pain of losing your own therapy then I see a very rough road ahead.
Also, about finding another T... is this about money or getting you the help you need? I know you have a budget for therapy each month so why can't you do one week marital and one week individual for you with a new outside T. Eighty dollars a session is unheard of where I live and sounds like a reasonable fee. At least go to see the attachment guy you mentioned. I know it will help you and you don't have to make any decisions now, just go and gather information from these new Ts and take your time in deciding what the next step will be.
I'm sorry if I sound too hard on you. I am just really getting concerned about the spiral you find yourself in and I hate to see you in pain.
Hugs
TN
I think you have tried to tell him how you feel and you certainly have written to him of it. I think the issue here is that he is unable to be what you need him to be in order to heal. He allowed the boundaries to get all muddled and fuzzy in the way of outside contact and I don't know how he could solve this without you feeling like he is punishing you or is uncaring. Aside from that he is pushing this marital therapy in place of your own individual therapy hoping if you are happy with your dh then his job is done. But I honestly don't see how you can do this marital therapy if you are so unhappy about yourself. And if seeing your T for marital stuff is threatening to you aside from feeling the pain of losing your own therapy then I see a very rough road ahead.
Also, about finding another T... is this about money or getting you the help you need? I know you have a budget for therapy each month so why can't you do one week marital and one week individual for you with a new outside T. Eighty dollars a session is unheard of where I live and sounds like a reasonable fee. At least go to see the attachment guy you mentioned. I know it will help you and you don't have to make any decisions now, just go and gather information from these new Ts and take your time in deciding what the next step will be.
I'm sorry if I sound too hard on you. I am just really getting concerned about the spiral you find yourself in and I hate to see you in pain.
Hugs
TN
BB,
No offense at all. I agree that I may have bumped up against his boundaries, but if that's what happened, I just want some communication about it. If it's just a matter that he doesn't have time or hasn't checked his texts or whatever, that's fine. But, knowing my boundary issues and that I see him as transferentially parental, if he is going to do some distancing there, I just need him to communicate about it.
I think if you are determined to NOT see another T, maybe just put your foot down with this T and say, "Every other week, I need my individual sessions, because this attachment stuff WILL NOT be worked out through marital sessions and leaving it unresolved is neglecting an important part of me who needs healing and who once healed will be a part of me that participates in my marriage. And that part is resistant to being shoved away by the marital counseling, as she feels now." If you put it that clearly and he still isn't listening to you, then you know where he stands on the attachment stuff and you'll have your answer about whether you can ever work through it with him. Otherwise, I still think that first (male) T you felt comfortable with is worth at least one consult visit. Maybe the woman too if she is similar. It seems like your H even feels you "need" your individual session and the only one who isn't on board is T. He may be wise, but even my T says that he can be completely off base sometimes. He will get a sense of something, from his experience or his prayer time, but will readily admit that he might be completely wrong (though he usually isn't so far). Maybe your T will be the same?
No offense at all. I agree that I may have bumped up against his boundaries, but if that's what happened, I just want some communication about it. If it's just a matter that he doesn't have time or hasn't checked his texts or whatever, that's fine. But, knowing my boundary issues and that I see him as transferentially parental, if he is going to do some distancing there, I just need him to communicate about it.
I think if you are determined to NOT see another T, maybe just put your foot down with this T and say, "Every other week, I need my individual sessions, because this attachment stuff WILL NOT be worked out through marital sessions and leaving it unresolved is neglecting an important part of me who needs healing and who once healed will be a part of me that participates in my marriage. And that part is resistant to being shoved away by the marital counseling, as she feels now." If you put it that clearly and he still isn't listening to you, then you know where he stands on the attachment stuff and you'll have your answer about whether you can ever work through it with him. Otherwise, I still think that first (male) T you felt comfortable with is worth at least one consult visit. Maybe the woman too if she is similar. It seems like your H even feels you "need" your individual session and the only one who isn't on board is T. He may be wise, but even my T says that he can be completely off base sometimes. He will get a sense of something, from his experience or his prayer time, but will readily admit that he might be completely wrong (though he usually isn't so far). Maybe your T will be the same?
((((((((((((BB)))))))))))))
Love to you too, BB. Will be here waiting for when you're ready to be back.
Take care, Beebs. Thinking of you.
J
J
Welcome back.
It's good that you're reaching out when you're hurting and confused. I hope you see that as a positive. And I'm sure your T does care, but unless you are able to have a candid conversation, you can't know if he understands. Will be thinking of you and praying for you, BB!
It's good that you're reaching out when you're hurting and confused. I hope you see that as a positive. And I'm sure your T does care, but unless you are able to have a candid conversation, you can't know if he understands. Will be thinking of you and praying for you, BB!
I like Monte's suggestion!
Stalk away! It makes me feel loved. 
Wow, that's a disturbing statement, but I meant our fun cross-posting, not real, creepy stalking, obviously. 
Wow, that's a disturbing statement, but I meant our fun cross-posting, not real, creepy stalking, obviously.
No worries, BB. Glad you're smiling! That makes me smile too!!!
(((((((BB))))))) Eagerly (but patiently) awaiting your update. Love hearing about what's going on with you!
quote:
Score:
inner saboteur: 5000 points
T and me: 8 points
inner child: 0 points
Love,
BB
Oh, BB...this made me laugh. I, too, have an inner saboteur that always seems to be two steps ahead of the rest of me.
(((((((((BBBBBBBB))))))))
Three cheers to EVERYTHING you wrote here. Everything.
love,
Jones
Three cheers to EVERYTHING you wrote here. Everything.
love,
Jones
BB!!! You have been wrestling with this since I started coming here (perhaps much longer). I am so glad that you were able to be forthright with your T and claim what you need for yourself. I know it is such a battle to keep asking every time, but hopefully if T continues to encourage that little child to stand up, ask and open herself to receiving, you will continue this growth which you feel so connected to right now.
Way to go, BB, reaching inside for what that inner child knows is best and being brave to follow through. Peace is awesome!
BB, So glad to hear you asked for what you wanted and GOT IT. Even better!! I have always felt that about marriage counseling, that I needed to work on me first and get me straightened out before I try to work on my marriage or else I will just keep making the same mistakes over and over again.