It's okay, Blackbird. You still have the ground you gained. You know you need regular individual sessions, and you are going to have them. So what you do with the couples' session really is a choice, not a right or wrong answer. My feeling is that the critical thing really is having the regular guaranteed access to your individual sessions, right?

xx

Think of it this way, BB. When do you want your regular individual sessions to begin? That's a simpler choice, right? Either it is immediately or "next time." You are not choosing to DO or AVOID marital therapy, you are just choosing a start point for the plan you and T have agreed upon. And you don't need to have any reason, advice from SD, input from H, concerns about T's judgment about it. It's just...when do you want to start the "new" program of doing individual sessions regularly? Do you feel like you are ready to have one right away? Do you have stuff you are ready to pounce on and talk about? Or do you have anything that was unresolved in marital therapy that you want to kind of wrap up first? Which do you have more to talk about right now? And then you have your decision.

BB - it will be OK. I understand. I go back and forth more times in the week than I would think are possible. (((BB))) Rest well!

BB, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. As you know, I struggle with the same thing. What do I need? Why does it hurt so much to ask for it? When I get what I think I need, will it really be what I need? When I get what I think I need, will I be able to accept it? The questions and doubts go on and on and on. As you said, BB, maybe this is the process. We've never felt entitled to have our needs met before and so it's going to be tough and feel out of sorts, even after we make a victory. Two steps forward, one step back, right? It's hell in there BB. But maybe it's a hell worth sorting through. At least that' what I'm convincing myself of today. If I stop today, I'm really no better off than I was three years ago. Well, maybe a little better off but not where I want to be with relationships.

Hope you can find some peace today.

(((HUGS FOR PEACE))))

Liese

Beebee, I hope you're feeling better for a sleep. One of my Ts told me about "HALT": Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. When I started spinning into terrible uncontrolled feelings she said to check in with HALT to see if I needed to fix up any of these things. Amazing how often I had slipped past my bed time and not noticed that my terrible feelings were sparked by feeling overly tired.

Also, you've been through a lot lately. It's not all going to settle down at once. Especially if you've just done a big behaviour change, like stopping drinking. Just take it easy, take your time, and stay with what you do know, which is that you need regular individual appointments with your T, and you can have them. You don't need to change your mind again. That would be the saboteur.

love,
Jones

Hugs to you, BB. Take good care of yourself.

aw, bb... I hate to see your inner self critic winning so many points too. I've been battling my own inner saboteurs and critic a lot myself. I hope you got some good sleep last night and find some peace and rest today too. You are not nuts or crazy! I can be confident one day and then so ready to run from it all the next... even hour by hour. Going back and forth is hard, and yet it's a part of the process. It's just where you are at. You have made really good decisions all along the way in this process. Try to take it easy on you. You have much to be proud of. You are so compassionate and give so much kindness and grace to others, I hope you can receive some of it for you.

lots of hugs,
~ jane

BB,

Read an awesome article on CPTSD that describes exactly what you are experiencing. It talks about our "normal personalities" - our fuctional parts, the part of us that carries on day to day. Then our "emotional personalities" and we can have one or more "emotional personalities" that get disocciated from us, related to trauma. The emotional personality remains stuck at the age of the trauma. I can try to find the article for you if you want. Don't despair. It'll all be okay. Our emotional parts just have to be integrated into one person.

((((HUGS))))

Liese

((((BEEEBS))))) Just read your last sentence about feeling powerfully attached and so deeply lonely. It'll all be okay.

BB, I experience exactly what you are talking about. I have an Angry state, an Anxious state and a Victim (scared) state that come out and F--- my life up. I have two functional states (Caregiver and Intellectual) that help me get by. When Angry or Victim take over, I think and do things that make no sense at other times. When they go away, the thoughts and actions no longer make sense, as if I was a different person, but aware of everything that happened. I always just assumed it was related to my dissociation issues, because I never was able to feel my anger or express my pain/fear.