quote:

I'm afraid things will not get better, that the relationship will not grow and blossom; that I am going to somehow spiritually wilt and die. I wish i could think of this in terms of death of my false self, life to my true self-but it doesn't parallel that concept.

((((((UV)))))) I have no wisdom to offer, but I can really relate to this particular thinking. I think you're right in that this topic would make good material for a session.

UV,

To me, it sounds like fear, an excuse to run.
You have to get over the fear of attachment AND the fear of attachment loss. I vascillate between the two.

I love the fantasy by the way. I used to watch medical shows when I was little and have all kinds of fantasies about getting diagnosed with all kinds of terminal diseases only to be saved by the handsome doctor on the show. And we see how I turned out!!!

Monte,

Thank God. I'm not the only one with horrible fantasies! I have been hurting so bad over some of the stuff that pops into my head. (((((((Monte)))))))) Seriously, thank you for your openness!!! And thanks to UV for the thread.

Thanks, Monte, but I can delete my comment if you want to take it down. Only fair to share...

My latest fantasy was to kiss my family goodbye, go to counseling, push the call button (so he knows I have arrived), but tape a goodbye note to his door instead of seeing him and go off and do the deed. Alternatively, when severely depressed, I fantasized about dropping my toddler off to him and either disappearing or...
The worst thought I ever had was that I couldn't bare to make my daughter grow up without a mom, but I couldn't bare to stick around either...that scared the $#!+ out of me. I know I would never do something like that, but my God that was awful. I laid on the couch crying for hours.

Thanks for the reassurance. Sometimes, H tells me he thinks that I might just crack and randomly do totally horrible stuff (and I haven't told him any details about these bizarre fantasies). It feels so horrible for someone who you love and loves you so much to believe you're capable of that.

By the way, stalking you back now!

UV,

Okay, so it's not anger??? Don't you think the distancing is still fear???? You may think trust has been established and on some level, it may be. But there are always those other levels that still have to be worked through. No?

Hi UV, I can relate to the fantasies, etc...I, too, am curious now what you think the distancing is about?....for me...when I am in these fantasies...I am aware that I feel very ....sort of....powerful?....and I make people so powerless to help me....and I sort of enjoy(?) that aspect of it?....mlc

Yeah, along the lines of what DF said. Don't "normal" relationships take a certain course? Aren't there certain signs that either a relationship is progressing or not? And you know what signs to look for? But the therapeutic relationship might have different signs? You don't reach those highs, those feelings of falling in love. Sometimes the feelings just plateau??? Maybe you're just not feeling the familiar signs of a typical relationship for you and it feels unsafe??? Like, for instance, you might be used to the floor dropping out at a certain point? Or you dropping the floor out at a certain point? And that's not happening and it's all unfamiliar?

Hi, UV. I've read with interest, and hope it works itself out. I wish I was able to look at myself in therapy with such a curious, non-judgemental eye. I like the way you are able to do that, and just wanted to say it's really, really instructive to me. I find my emotions run the show, feelings of deprivation take over and I make little progress, but rather get into a slump. I wish I could "get serious" about my therapy the way you seem to be able to do, UV. I like reading your thoughts!

BB