Great question Monte as school was a place of abuse, bullying and fear for me. It is also a very sad place in that I didn't have the opportunity to go away to college and get a 4 year degree and I had no parental support for attending college. I was on my own and very young so I made some wrong decisions.

School and the part it played in my past has been a huge topic for me in therapy and the cause for a lot of grieving.

I am back in school now and should have my B.S. degree by this time next year. I was put back in that I had to take a 6 month leave of absence due to the trauma I was dealing with over oldT. My T worked hard with me to get me back in school and here I am struggling with a stupid statistics course now!

I'm so sorry your school experience was equally as horrendus and that you have been triggered by Facebook. Have you ever brought this stuff into your therapy? If it helps, I would friend you or tag you ... if I knew who you are!

Hugs
TN

Monte, I can imagine how hurtful that was. I find it hard to believe, however, that you exist in nobody's memory. Whether or not you know it or not, I bet that there are people who not only remember you, but whose lives you touched in some way.

Elementary school and middle school, I was teased pretty horribly for being a tomboy, a nerd, a Star Trek fan, a loner, whatever. High school, I fell in with a group of other students who were also wacky nerds. I always had a good experience with teachers in school (except middle school). Many of them were more like parents than anyone I have ever known...for their one hour of the day (kind of like T). I quit many of the best extracurricular experiences (band, sports) to take care of my siblings, but academically I was always really successful. It's how I found value for myself...but that success was an end in and of itself. I never managed to have a goal beyond having someone, please anyone, tell me I was good enough. So, now I have a degree I never use and am thinking I missed out my chance to touch the world by wanting more than just making someone proud of me for the small amount of time they were in my life. Wow, that sounds sad. I am not one of those people who would say, "Ugh, high school, I could never go back there," though. I still stay in touch with my high school friends and the teacher who got me into poetry (in fact, I have at least five old high school teachers as friends on FB, and two comment me on occasion). Unlike most people, I was much closer to the friends and teachers I met in high school than any I met in college.

Sorry you were triggered so badly, Monte. I don’t have a facebook, but don’t people tag themselves in photos?

Elementary school I had a good group of friends. Middle school I was popular, and by high school I was the popular drug & sex addict. I kept up the popular girl that everyone was jealous of act quite well till the very end when the drug addiction took over my life and I dropped out. Now in school I’m just me.

Mac

((((MONTE))))

You are so funny and smart. If you were shy that is probably the reason they don't remember you - IF they don't remember you. Because if you said what you say on here, you'd have a million friends. Like a lot of people have said here, maybe everyone is tagging themselves?

Monte - I can't imagine you not being memorable. If those people are friends with you on FB, then obviously you were memorable. And if people are not your FB friends, then they aren't "allowed" to tag you as far as I know.

I just want to add, Monte that although people remember me from high school and I was popular, nobody really knew "me". I had a lot of friends, but I was never so lonely as I was in high school. They were some of the darkest years of my life, and not many people knew that about me. I was very much alone.

Hey Monte,

I also wanted to add that there was this kid I went to high school with who died in a car accident and had a park named after him and all of these people seem to remember him really well and they all talk about the day he died and remember what they were doing when they found out, etc. Basically he was a super popular football player. And I do not remember him! WTH? I don't remember any football players dying in a car accident and this kid was apparently extremely popular. So, i guess what I am trying to say is that some people's memories just suck and it has nothing to do with how popular or important a person was. THe older we get..the less we remember!

DF,

I was in the orchestra.

I was a band groupie, because of having to quit after elementary school. But I still play drums when the church band gets (VERY) desperate.

I basically did every possible activity I could so I didn't have to go home until it was time for bed. Orchestra, Volleyball, Soccer, Spanish Club, Debate Team, Student Senate, Peer Counseling, Earth Club, Poetry Club, Model United Nations. Anything to keep me away from home.

LG - wow! I did Filipino club (not Filipino, but I had a crush and a lot of Filipino friends), Poetry Club, Film Club, Christian Club. Sports/band were off limits, because all my club activities had to be within school hours, because I had to be "Mommy" to the little ones. I played basketball and volleyball in junior high though. I bet if you polled my peers, very many will have forgotten me at this point (almost 12-years later). If you polled my teachers, I bet about 90% of them would remember me. I don't think peers not knowing or remembering us means much...

I get a lot of comments on Facebook from my classmates saying, "Are you the Lady Grey I went to high school with? I never would have recognized you. You turned out really pretty". Umm....thanks I guess. I guess I was not so cute in high school. Okay, I was ugly apparently. But hey, I had a great personality!

((((((((BB))))))))) Oh, I'm so sorry. School was my only solace and saving grace against the horrible-ness that was home. I can't imagine how it must have felt when you are "escaping" to an equally (or even more) frightening place.

woot! posting that was definitely worth it! dudes! I got my first Monte hug!

Beebs I'm sorry for the pain and sadness you suffered in school. I think you were very courageous to write and post about it. I had some really bad times in school too but I just can't write about it here. OldT and I talked about it often and I recently began the conversation with my current T. I still have some grieving to do. But I want to thank you, Monte and everyone for sharing your school stories and experiences.

TN

Oh Bebe. That would have been well and truly a living hell. To move from awful neglect to awful institutional abuse to awful neglect. I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to push a point here but it makes a lot of sense to me why it hurts so bad when you don't have the firm structure of regular appointments around you. I feel really angry at your parents, and at the schools as well.

But I'm also amazed that you managed to pick yourself up and get to university after that, and get a degree. You say your degree is useless, but I think it's really impressive and a beautiful achievement in itself. I bet you gave a lot of people pleasure in your music.

((((((BB))))))

My own schooling was pretty disrupted. I went to 8 different physical schools, plus some periods of correspondence school. Around school 4 or 5 I just couldn't keep up with the social changes and lost the ability to fit in, so then things were pretty miserable up until the last couple of years, where somehow I steadied out. The correspondence school periods involved a lot of doing stuff myself, being unable to do stuff myself, not doing stuff, wandering around the house or street alone, getting yelled at, etc. Not so much parental help. So I relate a little bit to the "home schooling" thing, Beebs. Just a little.

Hugs to everyone on their experiences. Great topic, Monte.

Love,
Jones

((((BB))))

TN- I'm sorry to hear that your experiences were so painful. (((TN))) I am amazed to have found myself able to speak openly about it tonight. TN- you are still healing from the abandonment- you have enough.

Thank you for telling me that it was bad, everyone. I'm never quite sure, to this day, about that and other experiences, being bad. Weirdly- that you all agree it was bad- makes me feel better, not worse! Thank you.

Monte- I'm sorry I ended up hijacking it just now.

BB

I can relate, Monte. I would have been the one noone remembered too. I worked very hard to blend in with the wallpaper so, in a sense, I suppose I can say, if nothing else, I was successful I still struggle with my self image, however, I think I've come a long way over the years and just like to imagine if I were around those same people now, they would remember me ten years from now if asked to identify me.

I too relate this...I read this post earlier and ive been sitting here feeling something(not sure what) but i know it relates to how invisible and alone i felt as a child.

Hev

(((BB)))) (MONTE)))) ((((TN)))) (((((FROSTY))))

and to everyone else who had a miserable experience. My school days weren't so bad until high school.

I went to the most wonderful grammmar school. It was a 1-8 school. I always had a best friend. It was small and I knew everyone there and everyone's families. The teachers and nuns were really strict and there was NO BULLYING. One time some kids were really mean to this boy and you would not believe the HELL everyone had to pay. There was a girl who was very overweight and had bad body odor. I remember the teachers being very concerned for her wellbeing. They were VERY caring. Another girl had an alcoholic father and sometimes he would come home drunk and threaten to burn the house down. The way that school took her under their wing. It was amazing. I don't know if they make schools like that anymore. It was a family. And a healthy one at that.

But I wasn't being bullied at school. I was being bullied at home. So that school was the best thing ever ... that is until 8th grade when we were all graduating. Because it was a catholic school and we all came from different towns, when we graduated the 60 of us got spread out over 10 high schools. Two girls, C and J, dropped their best friends, T and S, and then they became best friends. They picked on T, one of the girls they dropped. T was my friend so I stuck up for her and then I got ostracized too. For years, I beat myself up for standing up for T and getting myself ostracised, like as if I wasn't socially competent or didn't learn how to survive the social jungle and how stupid of me for doing that. Now, I can appreciate what I did for T, although it cost me a lot at the time.

T wound up going to another high school. I begged my mother to let me go to high school with T but she said no. She sent me to this high school with all the girls who had just ostracized me. I'm not sure which was worse, being ostracized or having this incredibly insensitive mother. And, so I basically started over after coming from the very nurturing and protective school environment. I didn't do very well, got into recreational drugs and basically became invisible too. I'm sure not many people would remember me either. I was so angry and pissed off but I only ever take it out on myself. Fail classes, do drugs, that kind of stupid stuff. Get depressed.

Our grammar school had a reunion 20 years later. And you know what happened? Everyone hated C, the one who made life miserable for T. She made life miserable for a lot of people apparently. But the school wasn't on top of the girl stuff. The girl stuff is harder, behind the scenes kind of stuff.

T suffered terribly for a long time until we reconnected and were able to hash it all out and how mean C was. C wound up dying of cancer. No one was that sad, I'm sorry to say.

I had trouble through my late teens and early twenties. Someone managed to pull myself together, get my degrees, marry, start a family. But my issues get triggered with all these kids.

And, the struggle goes on, huh?

(((((((((((PF))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you had to go through such a difficult school experience and that the adults in your life who should have protected you were so insensitive to it.

(((Frosty)))) It sounded awful. Childhood can really suck, huh? Glad your experience got better as you got older although I know it doesn't take away your pain.

hev ~ I'm sorry you felt invisible and alone as a child.

frosty ~ I'm so sorry you had to endure such a nightmare in school when you were older. I wish we could go back to our teenage selves and tell them how some things would work out in the end - like going to T and C and telling them, 20 years from now... it's going to be nothing like this...

~~~~~~~~~

For myself, I wished to be invisible all the way up until I graduated from high school ... so scared to even disturb the air molecules above my head to raise my hand (which is how I actually thought of it as a 6th grader.) At the same time, school was a haven for me. Maybe it was because I could "disappear" into the wookwork.... or so I thought I did. I found out only recently how much I stayed in people's minds and memories. It was very surprising for me.

School was a place where life was at least somewhat predictable. I was the good kid, who worked hard and did "good enough." I wasn't very popular, but I wasn't very bullied either. I was a swimmer, and loved it. I did other extra-circular activities with passion and joy. It was where I felt the most able to be me. At home, life was so unpredictable... I felt like I lived two lives through it all.

In college, a lot happened... I can't even tell my T about it yet. She just recently commnented on how much it stuck with me and yet I don't speak about it. I try, but the words get drowned in my inner sense of shame. You all inspire me to keep trying. Thanks for sharing your stories.

~jd

((((JANE))))))

college can suck. It sucked for me too!!!

Up until 3rd grade, I really liked school. We moved between 3rd and 4th grade, and while 4th grade was ok, from there, it spiraled into misery. Try going through your entire school career suffering from ADHD, and no one noticed or spoke up enough to help. Try going through school avoiding EVERYTHING. Never went to a single school function aside from the required class time.

Try eating lunch in the stairwell, a classroom, or the library to avoid people.

Try having only 2 "friends", both of whom were teachers.

Try barely passing your classes, and not having anyone really care.

Try getting diagnosed with ADHD as a junior in college, and learning that things could have been a lot better with a little support (meds/therapy.)

So what did I do with my shitty school career? I became a teacher. And I REALLY love my job, as I can do for my students what no one did for me.

To everyone that had a rough time in school, sending lots of hugs to you! We are fighters, we are survivors, and we are making each others lives better!

R2G,

I thinks such a sweet story that you became a teacher so that you can help people in ways that you didn't get help. That's such a wonderful story and it touched my heart. I am sure that you are making an impact in the lives of so many people who will remember you for years to come.

Wow- all of your stories are so sad, but also so inspiring. I can't believe what all of you guys have managed to overcome! I think you are all so brave. Thanks for starting this thread Monte- it's good to have an opportunity to speak out about stuff like that.

Monte- I just wanted to tell you, that I was sad when you said, no big deal about the fb thing, because it's really hurtful, and it would have bothered me a lot too. It's not "no big deal" it hurts like hell to feel invisible and unreal to people. In fact, I will tell you that I have a fb page, I also very rarely use, but when I have been on there, after about a year I realized that I was the only one who ever sends people friends requests. I never get any friends requests, mostly because the people I know are better aquainted with my h, and I kind of have "no past." I live thousands of miles away from my foo. I just wanted to send you my support, because even though I feel silly about it too, that fb thing,-it really hurts!

I was wondering if you would mind if I delete my post from before. I feel a little too exposed with it up there. I'm also having severe attack of P.A.D about it...

Love ya,

Beebs

I have horrible memories of school. Interesting this topic came up because two weeks ago I told my T something that happened in 2nd grade that just crushed me forever.

Anyway, I had to wear leg braces from K-6 and I was sick a lot. I had to have numerous surgeries too, and by the time I'd get back to school all the girls would be paired up and I wouldn't have a friend. I got teased and shunned because I walked differently. In high school I spent an incredible amount of time in my room listening to music after school and I lived a whole fantasy life in my head just to cope. Someone mentioned Facebook here, and it just feels unreal to me that half a dozen people from my high school want me as a "friend" on Facebook when they never even said hi to me at school!

Right now with my children I'm having major anxiety that they will have a bad time at school too. My T said this is just because I had difficulty when I was young, and it doesn't mean that they will. Still I *REALLY* worry! And It feels like he just downplays how upset I am, even IF what he said is true. ~D.

Debbye,

I do the same things with my kids. I really freak out about how they do socially and misinterpret a lot of things because I'm not there to really know how connected or not they are. It's almost like a PTSD.

Naw, I didn't think that. Just wanted to feel like it was ok to do that, I guess.

Bb

Ironically, as few friends as I had in school, there now seems to be a wave of friending on FB - meaning that so many people who wouldn't give me the time of day in MS or HS are asking to be friends in an effort to "collect" as many friends as possible. Case in point - my sister has close to 1,500 FB "friends" on her account. I have maybe 100.

Invisibility sucks, big time. On the other hand, I don't want to be included in "their" version of my horrible past.

quote:

I update my status about random trivial stuff ALL THE TIME and post an unusually large number of pictures of food.

No. Way. Me too! I love posting quotes and random thoughts on FB. That way, when I check my page, I smile (since no one else posts notes to me.) As for food... I take lots of food pictures when I cook, but haven't been brave enough to post, yet!

Wow, I have in the low hundreds 100-150 friends too, and half of those are people I go/went to church with. Another 1/4 are people who are friends with my older sister and remember me when I was a kid and I usually don't say no if someone asks to friend me. I almost never request a friend unless it's someone I actually WANT to track. I have no idea why someone would friend request me when they barely remember me from high school and have absolutely NO interest in what I'm doing now...yet I still get those requests. And, usual boundary issues...I can't say no!!!

I'm sort of embarrassed to admit that I have over 1700 friends on Facebook. I competed in bodybuilding shows in the bikini division and after the shows, I started getting friends requests out the ass from people who either saw me at the show or saw my pictures online. At first I just accepted them but after a while, I stopped because it started to seem ridiculous. But now I still have all of those people I accepted and it seems like too much hassle to go through and figure out which ones I actually know and which ones I dont' so I can delete them. So I've just kept them but I no longer accept people I don't know. I bet I only know 600 or 700 of my 1700 friends. I feel so silly. My real friends from real life give me so much crap about it.

I did not have any friends until high school and then I found a group of oddballs where I could sort of figure out what to do with other people. I truly had no idea what other children were doing most of the time or why they were doing it.
I do not recall being bullied. I think I was either too oblivious to know or I was so odd they just did not bother.


quote:
It's not "no big deal" it hurts like hell to feel invisible and unreal to people.


My T has said something close to this to me too,and I do not deny it is true in a universal sense but I really do not recognize in myself having felt like this.

wow- I was never sure about fb protocol, being kind of erm, socially inept shall we say. so, in honor of this thread I just went on there for the first time in forever and asked the question "what is facebook protocol- who are you supposed to friend on fb- anybody and everybody you know?" So far I've had one silly response and one, dead serious one. The dead serious one made me smile. It assured me I was supposed to only do what "you feel comfortable with." hysterical! The silly response said something like, that I am supposed to behave like a vapid 16 year old friending people that I think are "hot" and unfriending people that I am mad at." equally hysterical. fb is weird. It's all about self-promotion and nobody seems allowed to be very authentic or real on there.

ps- my favorite fb friend has about 15 friends and his profile picture is a piece of fried bacon.