Oh BB, I am so sorry. This sounds just awful. Terrible. It doesn't seem that YOU are benefiting from this joint session arrangement at all. I really wish you could go back to individual sessions. *Sigh*. My heart is heavy for you.

(((((BB))))))

I'm sorry. It sounds like a very confusing session. I think it's so good that you will be having individual sessions, because there is obviously a lot going on in your (as my T calls it) "inner world" that can't be sorted out when it is the three of you talking. My H keeps offering to do a joint session to work through the intimacy stuff I am struggling with now, and I keep saying, "Um...no." If I don't feel safe in intimacy, why do you think I want you in my safe therapy space which is the only place I can really TALK about how I am feeling without judgment? Grrrr...

I'm not sure I understood your T's technical issues, but it's frustrating that he didn't listen to you. I would feel invisible if my T did that. And he has (accidentally) done things like that, where days or months later, I feel like saying, "I TOLD YOU THAT WOULD HAPPEN AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN!" But, I try to think it was a mistake which doesn't happen all the time and the reason I want to scream at him is that I wasn't listened to by other people a long time ago. I don't know if that's the same for you, though. It may just be me. Thinking about you!!! -Yaku

BB,

That sounds really rough. I thought you were going back to individual sessions? Sorry, I've been a bit out of the loop lately, but it doesn't seem like these joint sessions are helping and in fact it seems they are hurting. I'm sorry it is all so hard lately.

BB,

Is that some projection going on there, "clearly he thinks I'm bad"? IMO, the individual session are great because what you need to do is build up enough positive trusting images of your T in your mind to overcome the negative images that invade. You are not meeting him regularly enough in order to build up those images. IMHO.

Oh Beebs, why does he think you are weak and unforgiving? Has he said this? Maybe you are just not ready yet to work on your marriage, Beebs, why the big deal???? Maybe you are not in a position yet to be in a giving position in a relationship? Maybe you need more for yourself, Beebs, before you are able to forgive and work on communication???

Oh I find this all very interesting BB. My T's take has been quite a bit different. He seems to want me, and of course it's all up to me, to do the individual therapy first because if I have been repeating the same patterns over and over, how can I possibly work on my marriage until I get myself straightened out???

My H is not too demanding and my t wants me to, and this might sound a little manipulative, put "enough" effort into the marriage in order to keep H happy for now so that when I am done working on myself, I can be in a position to decide whether or not I want to stay in the marriage, as opposed to my H just getting pissed off that he's not getting enough attention from me and leaving me feeling totally abandoned again.

I don't know Beebs, your Bad-Ass T might be pushing you to stand up for what you want. But that's only if he's a real bad-ass. If he really doesn't want to do individual therapy with you in the way that you want, then maybe you really need to have an honest and direct discussion with him about it and then make your decision from there??/ Just lay it all out on the line???

Beebs,

I just had something else I wanted to share with you. About 15 years ago, my H and I went to the same therapist for individual. We never did marital. This T kept asking me, why won't you do marital therapy, I'm going to take your side? I really couldn't figure it out, why I didn't want to but I did recently. I'm wasn't sure I was really "in love" with my H and I was afraid the therapist would see right through it. I just confessed this to current T. My H, I don't know about your H, but my H puts a lot of the responsibility for a lot of things on me but I really couldn't see that until recently. I always felt like a failure and that I wasn't doing enough for my H. My T has told me that I am enabling him and he is not taking responsibiility for his life. I am making him feel good about himself. Well, who could be happy and in love in a relationship like that? I am meeting all of his emotional needs and he is meeting none of mine? I don't feel so guilty anymore about not being "in love" with him. Anyway, as you all know, it's hard for me and for you too Beebs, to ask for what you want. Before you ask, though, you have to know what your needs are, right? But even if I know, it still hurts to ask and it's still hard. I have to get better on that front and then maybe I will be able to ask my H to start meeting my needs. At that point, he will either say yes or no and then I can make the decision to stay or not in the marriage.

But first, Beebs, you need to take care of yourself, IMHO.

Wwell, addiction of any kind, I believe, is caused by unmet emotional needs. And, Beebs, if you don't even know what yours are much less feel comfortable asking for what you need, how on earth are you supposed to work on your marriage??? It doesn't make sense to me. You would have to sort out all that emotional stuff with your T, first, right?

Does he tell you how to overcome your computer addiction???

I think the level of rejection plays into the inaccessibility thing, which is what we all seem to want, what we can't have??? And that makes you want T even more. But beyond that, it seems to me that he is the appropriate person to work this stuff out with, not your H. IMO, he's a bad-ass T just giving you a hard time Beebs. A breakthrough could be close if you can hang on.

Aww Beebs, I'm glad it was helpful. It just doesn't make sense, if you are codependent, which a lot of us are, to work on your marriage until you have your codependent issues straightened out, right? What's the point, huh? You'll be making the same mistakes over and over and over again, IMHO.

i know, Beebs, I know all about the guilt. I can't fill my H's either. I did tell him if it was just about the sex, that he had my permission to go relieve himself elsewhere but I also know my H isn't very confident and probably wouldn't do that. It would be a different story if he was pushing the issue.

On the other hand, my H is not a giving parnter either emotionally or in that way. And, so, IMO, if he's not meeting my needs, why should I feel guilty???? If he doesn't want to go out of his way to ask the hard questions, then again, why should I feel guilty.

I don't know if you are codependent but I probably am. Codependents often get involved with narcissists. I do believe my H has those tendencies as he is very self-absorbed and was happy with his life, even when I sit home depressed, gaining weight and generally feeling miserable. The minute I start to feel good about myself and not meet all his needs, he starts to freak and get insecure.

BB - I can really relate to the guilt. I've spent almost eight years of marriage trying to satisfy needs that are easily three times my own (realizing, now probably because of this dissociated trauma and my husband's condition reenacting it)...and it still never seems like it's enough. It seems like you expect to always be giving (to everyone) and even if he changes his part, it's hard to change an attitude that has been so pervasive for such a long time. I could be wrong here and feel free to say so.

(((((BEEBS))))))

Hope you are okay. Sorry if anything I said triggered you. Your T does not hate you BB and if he does, you need a new T.

(((((HUGS))))

Liese

BB,
I didn't get to read your post but wanted to say I am sorry for your pain. I find the idea of your T hating you to be completely impossible. ESPECIALLY if he is reading here!! You are wonderful BB.
seablue

quote:

yes, I am too expensive for you. That is why it is crucial that you learn how to get along with out me- but with your husband."

IMHO, he should have never said that to you. That is enough to derail anyone's therapy. A lot of T's work on a sliding scale, why couldn't he cut you a break on the fee? And even if he felt he was costing you too much, he should have never brought your husband into the mix. That was not appropriate and shows his lack of understanding of how attachment works. It would be extremely difficult for your dh to be your attachment figure.

He also shows a lack of sensitivity to your own struggle with self-worth and value. He should have told you that he didn't want you to go into debt to pay for therapy but that this is an investment in your future and your family's future and it was well worth the time and the money because if you are not happy and functioning well then your family would suffer too. Both of my Ts have stressed that my well-being was vital to my son's well-being.

So I guess what I want you to hear is that YOU did not ruin anything. You did not derail therapy or destroy it because of bringing money into the picture. You were trying to have an honest conversation about your feelings surrounding money. You are supposed to be able to talk about anything in therapy. He should have heard you out and told you that only you can decide how much money is budgeted to therapy but that you had a legitimate need for therapy and that he felt it would help you and your family. Then he could have cut your fee a bit to help out.

Sorry Beebs... I'm just not impressed with how he handled that conversation. You need to tell him what you just wrote here but tell him IN SESSION not in an email and have a live discussion about it and tell him what you wanted to hear from him and how his response has made you feel that you have derailed your therapy. You need to get past this obstacle if you are going to do therapy with him.

Hugs to you
TN

BB, it sounds to me like your badass T is parroting you. You are saying things and he's validating you and saying, yeah, you're right. I think he's trying to force you to make a decision for yourself. you sound really conficted about continuing therapy. Maybe it's not really about the money and the money issue is a sidebar.

He's trying to get you to see how it would feel if you did give up therapy and had to get by with just your H. He's trying to get you to decide if it's the worth the money to you. Only you can decide that Beebs.