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Wow, you are so brave. I would probably chicken out in that sort of conversation. I'm really confused and frustrated (on your behalf) for all the inconsistency I'm hearing from your T1 lately. That kind of thing would have me projecting left and right. I'm sorry. 
((((((((((LG))))))))))
((((((((((LG))))))))))
LG,
I'm sorry that your appointment time was changed and it messed with your schedule. That is really frustrating.
While I understand the frustration and all of the questions it brings up when appointments get canceled or moved around, I really don't think your T was lying to you. It is possible that she had a local client who needed an emergent appointment and she chose your slot because a phone session is easier to move around than an in person session. Perhaps that client couldn't come any other time or that was the first available that she could move around for the emergent situation. She also could have lunch plans, but really it is her option to move her schedule around in a way that works for her and that is her boundary to set. I agree that since you had a scheduled session that she should have been more up front if it was really for personal reasons as trivial as lunch, but you don't know and you probably won't know. Unfortunately, the nature of the relationship doesn't allow for us to know what is going on in their lives.
It's not that I'm not sympathetic to your situation, because I've been there where I suspected T wasn't being up front, but I wonder if this has more to do with your increasing mistrust of T1 in general and the schedule issue is just magnifying it.
(((hugs))) I hope your session goes well this afternoon.
I'm sorry that your appointment time was changed and it messed with your schedule. That is really frustrating.
While I understand the frustration and all of the questions it brings up when appointments get canceled or moved around, I really don't think your T was lying to you. It is possible that she had a local client who needed an emergent appointment and she chose your slot because a phone session is easier to move around than an in person session. Perhaps that client couldn't come any other time or that was the first available that she could move around for the emergent situation. She also could have lunch plans, but really it is her option to move her schedule around in a way that works for her and that is her boundary to set. I agree that since you had a scheduled session that she should have been more up front if it was really for personal reasons as trivial as lunch, but you don't know and you probably won't know. Unfortunately, the nature of the relationship doesn't allow for us to know what is going on in their lives.
It's not that I'm not sympathetic to your situation, because I've been there where I suspected T wasn't being up front, but I wonder if this has more to do with your increasing mistrust of T1 in general and the schedule issue is just magnifying it.
(((hugs))) I hope your session goes well this afternoon.
LG,
I actually agree with you. I absolutely think that T's need to be very sensitive to this sort of thing and be careful about how they alter schedules. I didn't mean it to seem that I thought they should have free license to willy nilly change appointments. What I meant was that sometimes it is necessary to juggle clients or move someone around at the last minute to accommodate an emergent situation. Outside of that, I think whenever reasonable sessions should not be changed and if they are the T needs (as much as is okay to share) communicate the reason for the change.
I actually agree with you. I absolutely think that T's need to be very sensitive to this sort of thing and be careful about how they alter schedules. I didn't mean it to seem that I thought they should have free license to willy nilly change appointments. What I meant was that sometimes it is necessary to juggle clients or move someone around at the last minute to accommodate an emergent situation. Outside of that, I think whenever reasonable sessions should not be changed and if they are the T needs (as much as is okay to share) communicate the reason for the change.
I am very structured and scheduled as well and my poor T...is not. It has been a real growth experience for me to not know exactly when my appointment is until a few days (sometimes even less than a day) ahead of time. I am finally not feeling like it has to do with me...after almost eight months.
Hrm...I have a sense of humor about things too. I regularly make T laugh. Yet, when we discuss my thoughts of wanting to die, hurt myself, wishing I didn't exist, temptations to plan, etc., he always takes them seriously. He does expect me to differentiate for him if I'm seriously considering vs just bummed that the thoughts keep coming into my head. If I haven't talked about them in a while, he asks (vaguely and gently) how I feel things are going with those struggles. He doesn't get all freaked out about it, but he certainly gauges where I am "at," and I think that is the appropriate thing to do. I would really expect some sort of dialogue on that sort of a topic.
I've got a good pair of shoes that I could contribute to the T1 situation as well. I'm sorry she didn't get it. I agree that you seem to get so much more from T2 and hope that you can continue to address these issues with her.
Hi LG,
Super late to this thread. I see you already had your session. My last T double booked me and she told me that she chose the other woman over me because the other client was "in crisis". The other woman had had a miscarriage. I thought I was going to have to be hospitalized. But I never told her I was "in crisis". Aggghhh, then I started having panic attacks. It was not pretty.
Anyway, so I get all those thoughts and feelings you had about the duplicity. If only she was transparent about it all, right? What's the big deal?
Anyway, wondering if you talked to T1 about the BPD discussion? Did you bring it up on another thread?
Liese
Super late to this thread. I see you already had your session. My last T double booked me and she told me that she chose the other woman over me because the other client was "in crisis". The other woman had had a miscarriage. I thought I was going to have to be hospitalized. But I never told her I was "in crisis". Aggghhh, then I started having panic attacks. It was not pretty.
Anyway, so I get all those thoughts and feelings you had about the duplicity. If only she was transparent about it all, right? What's the big deal?
Anyway, wondering if you talked to T1 about the BPD discussion? Did you bring it up on another thread?
Liese
LG,
NOt corny at all. I think you need to do whatever will bring you some closure in the relationship so that you can then bring any leftover grief to T2 to work through and then be able to give yourself fully to the work with T2. I totally understand what you are saying about needing to see her in person. I hope it works out for you to arrange that.
NOt corny at all. I think you need to do whatever will bring you some closure in the relationship so that you can then bring any leftover grief to T2 to work through and then be able to give yourself fully to the work with T2. I totally understand what you are saying about needing to see her in person. I hope it works out for you to arrange that.
LG,
I don't think it's corny either. I agree with STRm about the need for closure. I was friendly with the psychologist in my high school throughout high school until I was about 24. I always had this idea in my head that he found me and befriended me and saved me, that I was some poor pathetic soul wandering around the halls. I had this fantasy in my head that there was a safety net out there and he caught me. I just went to go see him for the first time in 23 years. Do you know what I found out?? That back in high school, it was I who found him. I cultivated that relationship. He supported me when my parents didn't. He was a father figure. It was actually very empowering to know I did it. Of course, I still like the idea of a safety net but I know there isn't one.
I don't think it's corny either. I agree with STRm about the need for closure. I was friendly with the psychologist in my high school throughout high school until I was about 24. I always had this idea in my head that he found me and befriended me and saved me, that I was some poor pathetic soul wandering around the halls. I had this fantasy in my head that there was a safety net out there and he caught me. I just went to go see him for the first time in 23 years. Do you know what I found out?? That back in high school, it was I who found him. I cultivated that relationship. He supported me when my parents didn't. He was a father figure. It was actually very empowering to know I did it. Of course, I still like the idea of a safety net but I know there isn't one.
Liese - I've been emailing with my high school English teacher who fulfilled a similar role for me...we've kept in touch, even though I graduated almost 12 years ago. I told him how much he had meant to that time in my life, since I wasn't sure if he knew that he had probably saved my life. He replied very much the same as your counselor seems to have. I'm including his full response, because it touched me so much and think it applies to all of us who are seeking help...
Oh, I'd say I had a pretty good sense of the stakes, Miss [Yaku]. The thing is, you can't ever assume that role of mentor or life-saver. People have to put you in that role and let you play it, give you permission to guide, to help. They have to give you that permission and themselves permission to listen. It takes courage and strength to listen and to give oneself that permission.
This is the poem by which, in some way, I have endeavored to live my life and my work. I don't know if it makes sense to say that to you, but as note like yours validates the "steady and clear" and the "even loyalty" of showing up to do the work we discover is ours. You're wonderful, Miss [Yaku]; you've always been, but maybe you have spent so much time spending yourself on others you've had to or chosen to care for that you have not had that extra attention to see it.
The Poles rode out from Warsaw against the German
Tanks on horses. Rode knowing, in sunlight, with sabers,
A magnitude of beauty that allows me no peace.
And yet this poem would lessen that day. Question
The bravery. Say it's not courage. Call it a passion.
Would say courage isn't that. Not at its best.
It was impossible, and with form. They rode in sunlight,
Were mangled. But I say courage is not the abnormal.
Not the marvelous act. Not Macbeth with fine speeches.
The worthless can manage in public, or for the moment.
It is too near the whore's heart: the bounty of impulse,
And the failure to sustain even small kindness.
Not the marvelous act, but the evident conclusion of being.
Not strangeness, but a leap forward of the same quality.
Accomplishment. The even loyalty. But fresh.
Not the Prodigal Son, nor Faustus. But Penelope.
The thing steady and clear. Then the crescendo.
The real form. The culmination. And the exceeding.
Not the surprise. The amazed understanding. The marriage,
Not the month's rapture. Not the exception. The beauty
That is of many days. Steady and clear.
It is the normal excellence, of long accomplishment.
Jack Gilbert
Oh, I'd say I had a pretty good sense of the stakes, Miss [Yaku]. The thing is, you can't ever assume that role of mentor or life-saver. People have to put you in that role and let you play it, give you permission to guide, to help. They have to give you that permission and themselves permission to listen. It takes courage and strength to listen and to give oneself that permission.
This is the poem by which, in some way, I have endeavored to live my life and my work. I don't know if it makes sense to say that to you, but as note like yours validates the "steady and clear" and the "even loyalty" of showing up to do the work we discover is ours. You're wonderful, Miss [Yaku]; you've always been, but maybe you have spent so much time spending yourself on others you've had to or chosen to care for that you have not had that extra attention to see it.
The Poles rode out from Warsaw against the German
Tanks on horses. Rode knowing, in sunlight, with sabers,
A magnitude of beauty that allows me no peace.
And yet this poem would lessen that day. Question
The bravery. Say it's not courage. Call it a passion.
Would say courage isn't that. Not at its best.
It was impossible, and with form. They rode in sunlight,
Were mangled. But I say courage is not the abnormal.
Not the marvelous act. Not Macbeth with fine speeches.
The worthless can manage in public, or for the moment.
It is too near the whore's heart: the bounty of impulse,
And the failure to sustain even small kindness.
Not the marvelous act, but the evident conclusion of being.
Not strangeness, but a leap forward of the same quality.
Accomplishment. The even loyalty. But fresh.
Not the Prodigal Son, nor Faustus. But Penelope.
The thing steady and clear. Then the crescendo.
The real form. The culmination. And the exceeding.
Not the surprise. The amazed understanding. The marriage,
Not the month's rapture. Not the exception. The beauty
That is of many days. Steady and clear.
It is the normal excellence, of long accomplishment.
Jack Gilbert
Yaku,
How beautiful!
How beautiful!