Hrm, I don't know. I have come to the verge of tears several times (and once or twice have cried before going in), but have never been actually able to cry in the room or in front of T. I once told him if we talked about a certain subject too much, I was likely to bawl uncontrollably all session. Of course, I was exaggerating. T said, "That would be OK. What would be wrong with that?" I replied something like, "Yeah, um...I don't do that in front of people. Sorry." I'm sure they must have a fair range on the crying to non-crying spectrum, so I'm sure they recognize part of it is just temperament. I doubt they would have a hard-and-fast rule about people who don't cry being more messed up. I think what makes me recognize I am messed up is that I can start bawling over a movie or hearing someone else's touching story...but I really have trouble crying over stuff that has to do with me, unless I have completely broken down.

Seriously...I can so relate. The only things I have cried about lately that had to do with me were:

1. Crying when fighting with H, because somehow he manages to make me feel misunderstood and angry, it comes out as crying.

2. Sobbing on the couch a few weeks ago about how I could not keep doing counseling, because of the thoughts it was making me have and imagining my daughter growing up without me.

I guess those things are progress.

I think what it will take for me to cry with T is physical contact or at least closeness. That is the sense that I have had every time I have been on the verge. If I could just say, "Please come sit with me," and he would come and put his hand on my arm or shoulder, I would probably burst into tears and not stop the whole session. However, since he always seems to position himself "opposite" of wherever I choose to be and I have never been able to get closer than five feet away, I doubt it will ever happen.

quote:

Wow, the person who was here before me must be really dealing with some heavy shit if they needed to keep that box in front of them!" I haven't even had to use a tissue yet in therapy.

I don't think it's fair to say that how much one cries correlates to how bad the issue is. I think some people just have lower thresholds for crying that others. Some people are more open with their emotions and feel comfortable publicly crying. In my DBT group therapy, there are 2 people (out of 8) who cry frequently, and 3 who have cried at least once but not much. Then there are 3 (including me) who have never cried. Personally I have always wished I could be more open with my emotions in front of other people. Sometimes my eyes well up with tears, but I don't think I've ever cried in public.

quote:

I can't cry about being beaten repeatedly as a child. But I cry over someone's cat dying. Geesh. I'm screwed up!

Same, I can't cry about my stepmom abusing me as a kid, but I will tear up seeing a pic of an injured baby seal :/

(baby seals are too cute though)

My T thinks I cry too much...and, I guess I do. I'm trying to train myself to squelch it.

I never used to be able to cry in therapy, I’d get to the point of tears but shut down on them instantly. But then I can’t cry alone either – I’ll get all teary when I’m watching soppy or sentimental stuff on tv for instance, but the moment I realize I’m crying it all shuts down.

Deepfried (or is that Peepfried now? I love the way you describe how your stuff will sometimes take a ride on your compassion. That’s what shuts me down, the recognition that actually I’m probably crying for myself and as that’s a big NOT ALLOWED the tap goes off instantly. Which is a horrible state to be left in. Even when I lost my beloved cat I couldn’t keep crying, I could only cry for HIM but not for me, if that makes sense. I still go into ‘oh god I’m going to cry’ awareness when I think of him, but can’t let myself go there, not even alone.

I also agree that a lot depends on the T’s attitude too and how they respond to tears. I’m now starting to be able to cry in sessions (lol I came home the other day and told H that it was a ‘three tissue session’ which meant I did a lot of crying.) And even though while I’m crying I’m actually standing to one side in my head going wtf is all THIS about, what are you crying ABOUT you stupid little waste of space etc I’m gradually getting to the point where I’m feeling more ok about showing the tears to T. And that’s mostly down to her approach and conveying to me that she WANTS me to cry, to show the pain (not that I equate the tears with pain yet, but I’m getting there.) She’s managed to bypass my defences by offering touch, wow does that cause instant overwhelm so much so that the most I can manage is just to touch her hand, and even that is too much. Tears for me equal weakness, childishness, selfishness, and being exposed to ridicule, humiliation and criticism… I think I have the monopoly on stiff upper lip.

My big problem is a huge disconnect from my feelings – they are over there and I am over here and like hell am I going to let them take me over, I’ll think about them till the cows come home but actually feel them, express them hahahahahahaha you’re kidding right?

I wonder how many others of us have this problem of not feeling safe enough to cry in front of someone, even a T, because of that state of fear, of past experience teaching us that crying is shameful and weak and dangerous?

Good topic LG!

LL

p.s. IrishRose I too think that's a bit strange your T saying you cry too much. Do you know why s/he is saying that?

quote:

I wonder how many others of us have this problem of not feeling safe enough to cry in front of someone, even a T, because of that state of fear, of past experience teaching us that crying is shameful and weak and dangerous?

****may trigger...mention of threats of abuse***

LL,

This is my biggest obstacle to crying. Especially for the young parts. They were threatened with serious harm or death if they cried in the past so now they get really scared to make sounds, cry or show any reaction. It's been a gradual process, but they are finally able to start letting some of that out. It often can be like you describe where they will cry and then it will totally get shut off, but it's progress. I'm guessing that is pretty common.

In my case, when my mother would make me cry in an argument, you would see this look of victory come over her face. It was as if her hurtful words actually hurting me made them true or right...like if I had been able to withstand the attacks, it meant I was right, but if I crumbled, it was because I was acknowledging she was right about me. Ugh, I feel disgusted admitting this. The only other person who can make me cry in that same way is H.

Aw, LG, I see you have felt the need to delete, and that is totally ok, but I'm concerned about you. I hope you are doing ok, and not feeling too exposed/ignored/terrified- whatever the case may be. I've noticed that you are going through really rough times lately, and haven't been able to find the proper words to respond to what I see. I just wanted to let you know that. and that I care.(((((LG)))))

Hugs,

BB

((((((((LG))))))))))

Hi LG,

I'd like to echo BB in being concerned about you as I too noticed you have deleted many posts and I hope you are ok. I have found your posts to be really insighftul and honest and value your input here even though I may not contribute much.

Sending you hugs
Butterfly

Hey everybody,

Thank you for your concern ((((group hug)))).

I am okay, but thank you for asking.

I am not feeling *insert triggering adjective*, I am not going to *insert triggering verb* myself. Just feeling a bit *triggering adjective*, *triggering adjective*, and *triggering adjective*, though certainly nothing for concern or alarm.

s'ok, LG- we are here and we care. You have done nothing wrong- promise and truly- though I know how you are feeling, really I do- those feelings aren'[t true. I know you are hurting right now and maybe, angry- but we are here, and we still care, and you are valued- and a wonderful person. You have helped me a lot. and many others here too!
hugs... please don't delete anymore?

So glad you're still here. (((((((LG))))))) I'm sorry.

I'm not going to be around for a few days, but it has nothing to do with anything related to this forum, so no need to worry.

I had a friend die on Wednesday, so I am going to Denver tonight to spend time with a good friend and stay all night so that I can go to the funeral with friends tomorrow. And then on Monday I have a deadline to meet, so I won't be around. But, I am okay.

((((((LG))))))) So sorry about your friend. Will be here waiting for when you are able to come back.

LG,
So sorry to hear about the death of your friend, I hope you find comfort in the days ahead. Take care of yourself and we'll look forward to seeing you when you get back.

Aw, LG- it must be so hard to deal with your friend's death- I am so sorry. My good friend died a year ago, and it hurts. That and everything else- having a deadline to meet, when maybe you need the time to just grieve.. Thinking of you and sending prayers,

Love,

Beebs

I'm late, as usual, but sad to read that your friend died, LG. Please take care. I look forward to hearing from you when you get back.

((((LG))))

Take care of yourself.

(((HUGS)))

Liese

Thanks, everyone. Its the third friend I've lost since Christmas, so truthfully I'm in a state of dissociation about it at this point. Hoping I can stay in that state for the funeral.

LG,

So sorry to hear about your friend. (((hugs)))