Thanks, Monte. I was actually feeling it might be what you are saying here, at least a bit. Both the depersonalization and an attack. I was hesitant to post the latter, forgetting that there are others on here who might understand where I am coming from. I was able to get an hour to myself and spent it praying for rest...and then resting. I woke up more me again, so I am doing OK now. I wonder if, to please T, I am pushing to deliver something that I was simply meant to sit with, rather than try to translate immediately. I'd share what came out, but I'm afraid that would be excluding. It really was so much different from what emerges when I am expressing my own naturally occurring thoughts (yes, they also can be Spirit-led), rather than a predetermined topic from T...like the difference between a photograph and an abstract painting.

opps - cross posted with you Monte and Yaku... sorry...

About what Monte said: Hear Hear!!

(Thanks for saving me all that typing Monte )

quote:

Orginially posted by Monte:
But there is a lot of respect and tolerance on this board, so we should be able to deal with posts about spiritual experience without unpleasant consequences. We all have such varying experiences here and all come from different places and mostly we can talk about what we're going through and find support and acceptance, this area shouldn't be an exception. I don't see it in the same light as discussions about SI or sexual issues, which can trigger trauma responses. Maybe I should, I don't know...I may be missing a crucial point. But people can choose to read, roll their eyes and move on to the next thread, right?

Very well said Monte. I don't sense any air of anyone trying to censor others on the forums - if that is something you are picking up on, then I'm sure it's happening, I'm just saying I haven't picked up on that so I can't really speak to that.

I do think sometimes many of us censor ourselves (myself very much included) for fear of offending... and I think what you wrote is a good reminder to me that others do have the freedom to take or leave it and my opinions are welcome... even on spiritual stuff like this. And other spiritual perspectives are welcome too.

Maybe there is a greater sensitivity to censorship as the community adjusts to the Sensitive Issues thread, but that seems very seperate, and I very much hope that it isn't leading to anyone wanting to censor themselves. I really see that matter as a way to actually open up to more talking about much more perspective on those issues. And I hope everyone understands that was just about two issues, and is a way to open up more ways to talk about those, and not at all intended to scare anyone off or have folks feel hesistant to share about those subjects or on other subjects.



Yaku ~ are you hesitant to share because it's hard to put into words? or because you think we might think badly of you? or because you feel like the content wouldn't be welcome here? If it is the latter two, then please know, it is welcome here. privately, publically... and I do believe it will be received with deep respect by folks here just as monte said. And you might just help someone else by sharing your own experience.

I know it may feel risky and it's very ok to not share as well.

If it is something that is just hard to put into words... that is totally understandable too. I am glad you are putting down for you what you can.

I liked what you said about a photograph vs an abstract picture. That abstract picture, even though it may not be the photograph you were looking for or expecting (or that your T was encouraging) - it is just as valid too. You are not crazy or "out there" for it being more like an abstract picture.

I have things that come up for me that when I am telling my T, I just don't have words.

Sometimes it is hard because of trauma and emotional pain. Sometimes words just are not there or coming.

Sometimes though, the experince itself just isn't one that I am experincing in a linear verbal concrete kind of way but in other more abstract ways. I thought I was weird because of this, maybe crazy, and then my T shared she runs into that herself. She shared one of her own experinces. Now, I try to actually explore the things that don't come in words but more in abstract ways and other ways and it's helping... And it is also hard... because I so want it to be more in words, if only because it is easier to express... (helps though to have a T who encourages painting or acting out or doing all kinds of stuff to help describe things I experince) My T says I am making more sense actually and communicating a lot more as I explore just what comes and what I experince just as it is.

Which is a bit different than what you are describing...

just wanted to say you don't sound crazy or non-sensical or anything like that. You are making sense...

glad things are getting a little easier and so glad you found some time and space to rest.

((((Yaku))))

Thank you so much for sharing. Maybe it feels a bit scary to post, that but I'm super glad you did. I feel a bit honored that you would share that with us. Btw, you are a beautiful writer!

I am moved by what you wrote. It's very profound...

As far as the content of that entry, first let me say, you don't sound crazy or anything like that at all. (just incase the reassurance helps) It is well written, like the other entries. It does have a different feel to it than the other two entries. The other two entries you wrote much more in way where I do feel like I hear your voice more in what you write, simply by how you write it. (example: You use *I* and stuff like that more often in those two entries.) The other two entires are a little more clear... and like more concrete and tangible.

The 3/35 entry, it is written more abstractly and with a little different style. (you don't use *I* for example.) I can see how this felt very foreign to you. What you write for that entry, it does seem like you were grasping at the finding the words to express what you were trying to write about. The words you did write, they do make sense and yet it does feel like there are some big ideas you are really trying to express and put down, and it isn't coming out or being translated into how you wrote the other entries, and like it’s not quite all coming out.

You wrote this about that entry:

quote:

I am used to having very well-formed concepts in my head that are easy to articulate, if I take the time to do so on paper. With what happened, I had a sense of knowing something, of a very grand idea in my head, but it was inarticulate. When it came out, my mind kept saying, "No, that's not it. There is so much more!" Very much like translating from another language, and there isn't an exactly comparable word/phrase/idea in the language. If I shared what came out vs something more typical of my journaling, you would probably see what I mean...it's hard to describe.

I do see what you mean now. Makes a lot of sense how you described it. It is like some truth you are trying to express in words just is bigger than even what you wrote. (And it doesn't fit with what you are used to, and what your T was maybe looking for in the assignment in the Word… ?) Maybe the words are not enough to really express it right now.

Ok, I hope I don't sound preachy (yep, my own self-censor is kicking in here) but (ignoring that self censor) I am going to share this - and just disregard anything that doesn't fit or help.

I think maybe God is trying to show you something that for right now, just might be bigger than words and in a different way than what you are used to. And when you are great at expressing things in words, it would make sense that it is even more unsettling. I do think that in time, you will understand it better. Maybe even be able to write it out more clearly and more in your own voice.

What you write, the subject, the content, it is very deep spirit level stuff. I think you are on to something in what you wrote and what you were trying to "translate"....

You have been grappling with dealing with deep trauma and things that affect us at a soul level. Perhaps in all that you have been dealing with, maybe God is just meeting you in it to “speak” some things to you at a level that isn't verbal. Maybe in the midst of all you are dealing with, things are shifting inside at a level that isn't verbal. (I don't know, just thinking outloud as I write. Just some different possibilities.)

God does know what is He is showing you. He knows how to speak to us in the ways we need. Think about being in relationship with a person, any person. There can be things that happen that we can’t always put into words and just move us at heart and soul levels and change who we are. They change us more than words could. Hmm… I’m not explaining this well…

God is with you. He will not leave you. He knows you so deeply and he knows everything that is going on for you and everything that you need. He knows us and even intercedes for us in ways that go beyond words. Paul, in Romans 8, talks of how the "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” ....even God sometimes has more to say than words can express... You are in the hands of a the Good Shepherd.

lots of hugs,
~ jane