.
Original Post
Replies sorted oldest to newest
((butterfly))
i know those feelings so well... and i'm sorry your T was insensitive about these very primal and sensitive feelings. i also struggle to put this into words so i dont know if i'll be of any help. maybe the fact that you feel that you 'badly want it' - a mother / mother figure, means that you do NEED it. and that's ok. maybe what your T meant to say is that you don't need a 'pretend' mother figure, someone who you need but doesn't necessarily help you except keep you in that state of need. you need someone who can help you make sense of it all, and act like a 'mother' in some ways, giving you what you need, but also encourage you to look at yourself and learn and grieve the loss of the mother you desperately needed but I assume didn't really have as a child.
a lot of the above is guesswork, it doesnt quite make sense to me either, because i am not yet there myself... but i do know the painful feelings and i hope you can find some peace and comfort.
hugs,
puppet
i know those feelings so well... and i'm sorry your T was insensitive about these very primal and sensitive feelings. i also struggle to put this into words so i dont know if i'll be of any help. maybe the fact that you feel that you 'badly want it' - a mother / mother figure, means that you do NEED it. and that's ok. maybe what your T meant to say is that you don't need a 'pretend' mother figure, someone who you need but doesn't necessarily help you except keep you in that state of need. you need someone who can help you make sense of it all, and act like a 'mother' in some ways, giving you what you need, but also encourage you to look at yourself and learn and grieve the loss of the mother you desperately needed but I assume didn't really have as a child.
a lot of the above is guesswork, it doesnt quite make sense to me either, because i am not yet there myself... but i do know the painful feelings and i hope you can find some peace and comfort.
hugs,
puppet
Butterfly,
I'm sorry. I am sure that your therapist meant what she said as feedback and information for you, but I would have been hurt too. Kind of like hearing your brother and sisters are wanted, but you aren't. I absolutely know she dind't mean it that way, but I understand your hurt.
(((Butterfly)))))
AG
I'm sorry. I am sure that your therapist meant what she said as feedback and information for you, but I would have been hurt too. Kind of like hearing your brother and sisters are wanted, but you aren't. I absolutely know she dind't mean it that way, but I understand your hurt.
(((Butterfly)))))
AG
(((Butterfly)))
I'm glad to see you reaching out and posting here.
I'm so sorry that your T worded her statement so poorly and can totally understand why it was so hurtful and hard to hear. If my T said that to me I think I would feel like AG stated. I would be very hurt.
I have definite mother transference with T. I hate it. I would love to have a mother now, but I don't. I didn't get what I needed in the past from my mother and I will never get it as an adult. I hate the grief that comes from that and the knowledge that no matter how much work I do I won't ever have a mother.
I struggle with feeling rejected by my own mother and that can very easily get triggered by T if she says or does the wrong thing. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. I can only say that I understand the struggle. It can be truly awful.
ETA: In terms of need vs want of a mother figure. In the past I needed one and didn't get my needs met. That was potentially life threatening as a child and thus now that feeling of my life being in danger is triggered now by the want of a mother. I think it makes the want feel like a need now. I don't actually need a mother now as I'm all grown up, but the wanting triggers those same feelings from the time when I did need one in the past.
I'm glad to see you reaching out and posting here.
I'm so sorry that your T worded her statement so poorly and can totally understand why it was so hurtful and hard to hear. If my T said that to me I think I would feel like AG stated. I would be very hurt.
I have definite mother transference with T. I hate it. I would love to have a mother now, but I don't. I didn't get what I needed in the past from my mother and I will never get it as an adult. I hate the grief that comes from that and the knowledge that no matter how much work I do I won't ever have a mother.
I struggle with feeling rejected by my own mother and that can very easily get triggered by T if she says or does the wrong thing. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. I can only say that I understand the struggle. It can be truly awful.
ETA: In terms of need vs want of a mother figure. In the past I needed one and didn't get my needs met. That was potentially life threatening as a child and thus now that feeling of my life being in danger is triggered now by the want of a mother. I think it makes the want feel like a need now. I don't actually need a mother now as I'm all grown up, but the wanting triggers those same feelings from the time when I did need one in the past.
You know I thought it would help me make more sense of it writing it down but in fact seeing it here and your kind responses actually makes me sad and makes me wonder if there is something about me that is unworthy of real maternal love. I know that isn't really rational thinking...I just can't help but think it 
Puppet, that is exactly what I need someone who can act like a mother but at the same time help me to learn and grieve what I didn't have rather than someone who keeps me in a state of need. Thank you for saying it so well...definitely something to pass onto my T.
Thank you AG and DF for your understanding and hugs and thank you DF for sharing your own struggles with maternal transference. It's good that you are allowing yourself to acknowledge it. It really sucks though doesn't it
Butterfly
Puppet, that is exactly what I need someone who can act like a mother but at the same time help me to learn and grieve what I didn't have rather than someone who keeps me in a state of need. Thank you for saying it so well...definitely something to pass onto my T.
Thank you AG and DF for your understanding and hugs and thank you DF for sharing your own struggles with maternal transference. It's good that you are allowing yourself to acknowledge it. It really sucks though doesn't it
Butterfly
Sorry STRM, crossposted. Thank you for your understanding. I'm sorry you feel rejected by your own mother and you know the grief of transference. Also thank you for explaining how needs vs wants works for you as I am really struggling with that. For me when the want becomes so overwhelming it feels like a need.
Hugs
Butterfly
Hugs
Butterfly
So sorry your T was insensitive, Butterfly. That comment would have really sent me for a loop. I think it would be a good idea to follow up with T about it and let her know how that statement has impacted you.
I think STRM is wise and brave to understand it this way. Personally, I seem to be unwilling to get there yet. Still fighting it. Still want to believe in what is probably a fairytale, that someday a T is going to make everything all ok and happily ever after by completely making up for what I missed. It could be that is prolonging healing from the pain, though. But if you have some of those feelings inside, I don't think they will heal by burying them or denying them either. So maybe this insensitive comment by your T will actually spur a conversation where these uncomfortable things can come out in the open. That's scary and painful though. Hugs to you, (((Butterfly))).
quote:ETA: In terms of need vs want of a mother figure. In the past I needed one and didn't get my needs met. That was potentially life threatening as a child and thus now that feeling of my life being in danger is triggered now by the want of a mother. I think it makes the want feel like a need now. I don't actually need a mother now as I'm all grown up, but the wanting triggers those same feelings from the time when I did need one in the past.
I think STRM is wise and brave to understand it this way. Personally, I seem to be unwilling to get there yet. Still fighting it. Still want to believe in what is probably a fairytale, that someday a T is going to make everything all ok and happily ever after by completely making up for what I missed. It could be that is prolonging healing from the pain, though. But if you have some of those feelings inside, I don't think they will heal by burying them or denying them either. So maybe this insensitive comment by your T will actually spur a conversation where these uncomfortable things can come out in the open. That's scary and painful though. Hugs to you, (((Butterfly))).
Draggers thank you for my hugs…am sending you some too as I know you know how painful it is. The reason I haven’t left is because even though it really hurt I know she didn’t mean it to come across the way it did and I guess she doesn’t know me well enough to know the kind of effect it would have on me.
MH, thank you for your support. I don’t think my T meant to be insensitive, she just didn’t think about it before she spoke and as it was so near the end of the session we didn’t have a chance to discuss it properly, though I didn’t notice how hard it hit me until afterwards. I'd like to live in a fairyworld too...if only. You are right I can’t heal if I deny my feelings and I am trying my best to talk about them in the sessions but the magnitude of them is so strong and I am just not feeling the emotions until after the sessions.
I think her comment really threw me and has made me wonder if because I am looking for a different kind of relationship that now means that I am undeserving of anything more. By wanting to heal I am losing out on what could be…idk . Am actually finding my own thread triggering 
Butterfly
MH, thank you for your support. I don’t think my T meant to be insensitive, she just didn’t think about it before she spoke and as it was so near the end of the session we didn’t have a chance to discuss it properly, though I didn’t notice how hard it hit me until afterwards. I'd like to live in a fairyworld too...if only. You are right I can’t heal if I deny my feelings and I am trying my best to talk about them in the sessions but the magnitude of them is so strong and I am just not feeling the emotions until after the sessions.
I think her comment really threw me and has made me wonder if because I am looking for a different kind of relationship that now means that I am undeserving of anything more
. By wanting to heal I am losing out on what could be…idk . Am actually finding my own thread triggering Butterfly
Ouch! I am sorry, BF. I can see how that would be very upsetting to hear.
I am thinking that perhaps the comment was indeed meant to say that T sees you as strong and not child-like, not in need of a mother figure.
But that certainly does not change that you want a mother figure.
Perhaps as you make yourself more vulnerable to her over time, she will come to have maternal feelings for you and vice versa.
I am thinking that perhaps the comment was indeed meant to say that T sees you as strong and not child-like, not in need of a mother figure.
But that certainly does not change that you want a mother figure.
Perhaps as you make yourself more vulnerable to her over time, she will come to have maternal feelings for you and vice versa.
I agree that your T probably meant it in a complimentary way, but I would probably go home and cry in bed if my T told me he felt fatherly toward other clients, but not me, so I know it must hurt. Is there a way you can maybe talk to her about how the comment hurt? Obviously, there is some sort of deep desire to connect to someone on that level and if T hasn't seen it, maybe it is something that would help to show her...if you feel you are ready to trust her with it?
Butterfly, I read your thread, and I'm sorry your T said that to you, it made me feel a little bit achy because hearing that would leave me feeling confused, too. I think that you can be more independent and stronger/healthier...AND deserve and be worthy of love and nurturing and support! I don't have any wise words, but I'm thinking of you and hoping your T has some words which can help soothe you when you meet with your T again.