DF - Thank you so much for sharing. I also struggle a lot with splitting as regards my parents.

Dad = Highly moral, taught me a lot vs. completely abandoned me and really has made almost no effort to know me since early on in his marriage to my step-mother (about 2/3 of my life now).

Mom = Always wanting to help/rescue people/animals in need vs. highly manipulative, verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, completely unconcerned for the wellbeing of her children if she has nothing to gain from it.

I get very confused and guilty whenever they are kind to me. I feel like I am no longer allowed to have those other hurt and angry feelings toward what has happened to me. I feel like my detaching from them, refusing to depend on them, refusing to be vulnerable or share myself with them is cruel of me. Then, to reconcile, I start to make excuses for why they made the "mistakes" that they made. And maybe they are doing better (usually only temporarily) and I want to believe that it is OK for me to be the good daughter. But, forgiving them doesn't necessarily mean I can put myself at risk again by allowing that attachment. It just isn't safe. As much as I would like them to heal, to be healthy parents and grandparents, I cannot trust them to be. So, I keep my distance and yet at the same time feel miserable about it...as if I am inhumane to not respond. In the end, though, I think it is just a matter of taking responsibility for my own safety. They may not be a physical threat to an adult woman, but they are a threat to my well-being if I give them power over me. And that power is being vulnerable to them. I just cannot ever do that again. It is too dangerous. It makes me so sad, and I have told T that it feels like I am giving up a lifelong battle to be their child...but that is the truth of it. I had to take responsibility for me, for my mom, for her other children...I am still carrying some of those responsibilities. I cannot bear that weight of risking my safety again. It is too heavy. I often wonder if that makes me wrong or bad.

I suppose I am not offering you any help here. I don't have a solution. I just know how it feels. It feels like failure, like surrendering to hopelessness regarding people who part of you cares deeply about. It hurts. It hurts especially when they show you a glimpse of humanity, of the parental love that should have always been there for you. I don't know how to make it better, to not be confused by it. But I do know that being responsible for you, your own boundaries, and your own protection, is absolutely the right thing to do. It does not make you bad. It does not mean you aren't happy that they seem to be doing better. It just means that you are determined to take care of yourself and be healthy. (((((((((((((DF)))))))))))) I wish I could be more help and I'm sorry if I don't make sense!!!

DF, I so hear you. I don't know my parents NOT on substances. They were at their old habits when I was less than a month old (and yes, my mom nursed me) and live their life inebriated. There were times when I was younger when it was a question of drugs or food, and often, drugs won.
Again, I so hear you here. My parents were the same way - to the point where I often felt they put the needs of "others" (community, friends) above the needs of their children. I have never been able to count on my family for anything really, other than the bare basic needs. Yes, my mom was involved in my schooling and that of my siblings, on the PTA, volunteering, etc, but I don't think she did it for "us". She did it because it was what she had to do for "them".

Several years ago, I had to disconnect with my family in order to take care of me. I completely shut them out for almost a year - no contact at all. I even changed my phone number (this is a longer story for another time) in an effort to really move away from them. I was so torn up and lost in my life, and they were not helping at all. I got all sorts of messages from them via email (that, I didn't change) that I often didn't read. The ones I did read were so sad, full of "we miss you" and "we are here for you" and so on. Like you said, it wasn't really manipulative, it just didn't "feel" right to me.


I HATE this with a passion. People have told me how wonderful my parents and family is. Well, yeah, if you only see *that* side of them. When my parents unleash their "happiness" on me, and their compassion, I feel physically ILL. I feel like I don't deserve it, as every time they've done that in the past, it is followed by something much less sweet. Which then sends me into a spiral of guilt for feeling so skeptical of my parents - maybe they ARE just being genuinely nice. Maybe they do care. Maybe they really have changed. Maybe they really want to help. All are possibilities, but it is my history with them that keeps that wall of skepticism up, and me cowering with guilt behind it.

For me, my parents conditioned me to war this. They were so encouraging and caring and told me all the "right" things, but often they were followed with the crash, that negated much of what they said. Sometimes this came right after they spoke the positive, sometimes a few days later, other times (and my parents have good memories for some things) it would be months later when they'd bring up "remember when I told you such and such?" It hurt even worse then, and left me putting little weight on their positive words, no matter how much I wanted to.

Well put DF. Thank you for putting into words (thank your T, I suppose?) what I've been struggling to explain to myself.

I really don't have much to offer you, other than compassion and hugs, as I get it. I am appreciative that you took the risk to put this out there, as in some twisted way, it is helping me. I have always been so confused by why my siblings and their friends love my parents, and I really struggle to like them. It feels like I have two sets of parents - the "public" ones, and the private ones. I know you can imagine what it is like to be raised like that...

The only thing I can offer you is something a T said to me years ago. My parents did not have the greatest of models themselves. They very likely were in similar positions to what "we" are in right now. They did the best they could with what they had. They tried their best to give us what they didn't have (my dad grew up very poor, my mom grew up very "fake") and provide us with the opportunities to be kids. They had and have their own shit they are dealing with, that often overshadowed their kids needs, but somehow, they still tried to keep it together for us, making sure we had our basic needs met, though not always being able to give us the love we deserved. It really helps me to remind myself that They did the best they could with what they had. Was it good enough? Not always. Actually, not often. But it was what they could do. If I remind myself of this, I have a little more compassion for the problems that have shaped their lives, and it makes me even more grateful I have a T who is helping me through this crap so I don't have to repeat the process in my own life.

Edited to remove quotes.

DF,

This sounds like typical crazy making behavior that is so common in abusive situations. It is enough to drive anyone mad and is so confusing.

First off, it may be that your mother is being genuine in her emails and isn't trying to manipulate or bait you at all. Given the heavy use of substances, I'd venture to guess that it is possible that they don't even remember a good deal of the horrible things that they did or said to you. So, like you did to survive, they have also compartmentalized the abuse and so it when they are sober it strikes them as odd that you aren't involved and seeking them out.

My parents were also very sadistic and did some horrible things to me. In writing my mother or father would often say things that if a stranger off the street read them would make me look insane. In other words, lots of sappy stuff and normal sounding people just struggling to get their poor crazy daughter to love them. It was not uncommon for my dad to abuse me (in every way) and then follow it up with a letter apologizing and professing his undying love and devotion as a dedicated father. Then I would feel guilty and think that I must be the crazy one and give them another chance and like clock work at some point I'd be smacked upside the head again with reality. That part of me that desperately wanted to have the "good parents" would fall for it every time because I kept thinking that if I just did X thing correctly this time that they would be good parents and they would love me. During the times that they were good I would toss out nearly all of the bad and think it must be me.

Even now, as an adult I still do it. I see their life now and how they have gone on with their day to day life and on the outside appear normal and I think, "maybe they are right. I am crazy. It's me...it's not them!", but then my dear husband is kind enough to remind me of all of the times that he knows (and witnessed) their awful behavior and I can see that it is just more of that crazy making behavior.

So, I think that you have to do what you need to do in order to keep yourself safe both mentally and physically. Set the guilt aside because there is no need for it. They did the best they could at the time (however horrible that was) and now it is your turn to do the best that you can do for yourself.

(((hugs))) Good luck today with your session.