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(((Seablue)))
I'm sorry money issues are so difficult for you and your family. I am so sorry H is not supportive of your schooling and equates everything in your relationship to be about money. I think that is terrible. I have issues around money but luckily H and I both work but with 3 kids and paying out of pocket for therapy I live with a certain amount of debt. Also H leaves money management to me but he has always made more money that I do and rarely has made an issue of it.
I wish I could help more but I wanted you to know I heard you.
I'm sorry money issues are so difficult for you and your family. I am so sorry H is not supportive of your schooling and equates everything in your relationship to be about money. I think that is terrible. I have issues around money but luckily H and I both work but with 3 kids and paying out of pocket for therapy I live with a certain amount of debt. Also H leaves money management to me but he has always made more money that I do and rarely has made an issue of it.
I wish I could help more but I wanted you to know I heard you.
(((((seablue))))))
I also have issues around money. Before my daughter was born, I made about 1/3 of our income. When she was born, my supervisor changed my return-to-work plan mid maternity leave. Because I didn't have it in writing, I could do nothing. I didn't have childcare lined up and the whole plan had been for both H and I to part-time telecommute, using family or friends as necessary, so our daughter could have those first years with her parents. I couldn't get unemployment, because I technically "quit." Right after I caved in and quit, they announced massive layoffs and allowed other workers to change to "part-time" schedules, which was one of the alternative requests I had made.
I have major issues around money, because I always had to justify any need I had (food, money for school supplies, clothes, etc.) to my mother. She gave me a credit card at 11 and basically let me take care of myself and my younger siblings. Then, when the statement came, she would grill me and berate me for spending too much. My oldest sister would trick or manipulate me into buying things for her and then my mom would yell at me for buying things for her...as if it was my job to be more responsible than a 17-18 year old. Basically, I was expected to take on a good portion of the responsibility of managing a household as a 6th grader and no matter how hard I tried (even budgeting and spending my own babysitting or birthday/Christmas money to take care of myself), I was verbally abused for needing too much. So yeah, HUGE issues around money for me.
Fast forward to now. H makes about 95% of our income and I bring in a little money working from home, providing childcare. I manage our finances as well. Overall, he usually says he appreciates the job I do. However, when he wants something and I say we can't afford it, he gets mad about where "his" money is going. And when I tell him how bad our finances are, he says, "Well, how am I supposed to know? That's your job!" So, even though he knows I can't manage these things on my own, because we just don't have the resources to take care of our expenses, especially since I started therapy, he really makes no effort to do anything different, to be more involved. I asked about going back to school, so I can get a useful degree. My Japanese BA isn't generating much money and I've forgotten so much, I doubt I could do anything with it anyway. Yeah, I'm stuck with an inner critic calling me a loser who couldn't turn a Stanford education into a job. H said with our finances as they are, how could I even think about trying to go to school right now? Then, a week later, threatened to quit his job, because he is unhappy there...which I'm very sorry for, but WTF, if we can't afford $10,000 a year for me to go to school so I can earn money, how can we afford to lose several times that amount, health insurance, etc. Ugh. Overall, my H is usually loving and supportive, but sometimes he can be a real jack@$$.
Lately, we are trying to apply for a mortgage modification to reduce expenses and I am constantly having to deal with various agencies telling me how we spend too much in a certain area (e.g. tithing to our church or household/grocery expenses even though we live in pretty much the most expensive place in the country), or how my income loss doesn't qualify, because it is slightly over two years ago, or about how my therapy expenses need a detailed statement, or outright accusing me of exaggerating how much things cost. It is very triggering all the time.
Anyway, I don't know if any of this helps. I am basically just dumping my stuff all over you. The intent is empathy, but I guess I'm doing a poor job of it. I really feel for you. It's so hard to not be able to contribute enough to feel like you have a right to the things you need.
I also have issues around money. Before my daughter was born, I made about 1/3 of our income. When she was born, my supervisor changed my return-to-work plan mid maternity leave. Because I didn't have it in writing, I could do nothing. I didn't have childcare lined up and the whole plan had been for both H and I to part-time telecommute, using family or friends as necessary, so our daughter could have those first years with her parents. I couldn't get unemployment, because I technically "quit." Right after I caved in and quit, they announced massive layoffs and allowed other workers to change to "part-time" schedules, which was one of the alternative requests I had made.
I have major issues around money, because I always had to justify any need I had (food, money for school supplies, clothes, etc.) to my mother. She gave me a credit card at 11 and basically let me take care of myself and my younger siblings. Then, when the statement came, she would grill me and berate me for spending too much. My oldest sister would trick or manipulate me into buying things for her and then my mom would yell at me for buying things for her...as if it was my job to be more responsible than a 17-18 year old. Basically, I was expected to take on a good portion of the responsibility of managing a household as a 6th grader and no matter how hard I tried (even budgeting and spending my own babysitting or birthday/Christmas money to take care of myself), I was verbally abused for needing too much. So yeah, HUGE issues around money for me.
Fast forward to now. H makes about 95% of our income and I bring in a little money working from home, providing childcare. I manage our finances as well. Overall, he usually says he appreciates the job I do. However, when he wants something and I say we can't afford it, he gets mad about where "his" money is going. And when I tell him how bad our finances are, he says, "Well, how am I supposed to know? That's your job!" So, even though he knows I can't manage these things on my own, because we just don't have the resources to take care of our expenses, especially since I started therapy, he really makes no effort to do anything different, to be more involved. I asked about going back to school, so I can get a useful degree. My Japanese BA isn't generating much money and I've forgotten so much, I doubt I could do anything with it anyway. Yeah, I'm stuck with an inner critic calling me a loser who couldn't turn a Stanford education into a job. H said with our finances as they are, how could I even think about trying to go to school right now? Then, a week later, threatened to quit his job, because he is unhappy there...which I'm very sorry for, but WTF, if we can't afford $10,000 a year for me to go to school so I can earn money, how can we afford to lose several times that amount, health insurance, etc. Ugh. Overall, my H is usually loving and supportive, but sometimes he can be a real jack@$$.
Lately, we are trying to apply for a mortgage modification to reduce expenses and I am constantly having to deal with various agencies telling me how we spend too much in a certain area (e.g. tithing to our church or household/grocery expenses even though we live in pretty much the most expensive place in the country), or how my income loss doesn't qualify, because it is slightly over two years ago, or about how my therapy expenses need a detailed statement, or outright accusing me of exaggerating how much things cost. It is very triggering all the time.
Anyway, I don't know if any of this helps. I am basically just dumping my stuff all over you. The intent is empathy, but I guess I'm doing a poor job of it. I really feel for you. It's so hard to not be able to contribute enough to feel like you have a right to the things you need.
Thank you incognito ...I appreciate your support.
yaku, Sorry you are also dealing with money issues as well, and I am so sorry for the way you had to take on such a HUGE burden and recieve such mixed messages around money and responsibility as a child....I know this isn't really helpful but I am finding myself thinking "how the hell does an 11 year-old even use a credit card, let alone bear any responsibility with it and for it??!!" That is really awful.....So sorry.
I appreciate you sharing your struggle and for your support with my siutation.
seablue
yaku, Sorry you are also dealing with money issues as well, and I am so sorry for the way you had to take on such a HUGE burden and recieve such mixed messages around money and responsibility as a child....I know this isn't really helpful but I am finding myself thinking "how the hell does an 11 year-old even use a credit card, let alone bear any responsibility with it and for it??!!" That is really awful.....So sorry.
I appreciate you sharing your struggle and for your support with my siutation.
seablue
If it helps to understand, I always looked at least 3 years older than I actually was. Sometimes, I would walk with my two younger sisters (10 and 11 years younger than me) and people would assume I was their mother. Yuck. That's why I kind of blame myself for the stuff that older guys did to me (trauma stuff), because I've always been told I looked and acted so much older than I was. My family jokes that I was 30-years-old at age eight. Well, now at age 30, I feel emotionally eight (or younger), so I guess it fits. 
Trying to see the humor here--really fighting against integrating my anger and hurt, I guess.
Trying to see the humor here--really fighting against integrating my anger and hurt, I guess.
quote:"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
this quote you've chosen says so much about you and your experiences!!
can't add anything of value or help tonight (oz time) as i'm depleted myself but thinking of you and hoping something good might be around the corner to help the situation.
keep talking to and sharing with this community - every person forms a part of the whole group energy.
M
Seablue - I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to read this, but if it's about money issues boy can I relate. I am in consolidation right now. I am a spender. I can't save a dime. Hence issues. So sorry for your difficulties.
Smiley
Smiley
Sorry.....
Just felt too vulnerable. Especially sorry to yaku - you shared your struggle and then I go and delete.
I am really sorry...Draggers
....missed you and love that you went back to your previous avatar - only because you look like the you I know. UGH....money. Part of what is so difficult for me is figuring out what is mine and what is H's.....he definitely has his own money struggles. I don't feel like overspend anymore, but definitely buy things to feel better and then feel horribly guilty. I am constantly trying to make sure that H thinks we are financially ok and have enough money even when we don't so it is in that sense that I hide things. I guess that I am co-dependent....I make sure things appear ok so I don't have to hear it from him.Sorry you have struggled with money as well. It is such a complicated thing and I don't know how some people seem to do it so well. Poor Lissy...having to bury her money.
I really appreciate you responding even after I have deleted. Thank you for your support Draggers!(((Draggers))) (((Lissy)))
Morgs,
Feeling a little vulnerable.....but I guess with my quote that is not a surprise.
Thanks for offering your support!Smiley,
Thank you for relating and for offering support to me. Sorry you struggle with money as well.
seablue, no worries. I'm not feeling over-exposed or anything. It's perfectly OK to delete. (((hugs)))
It's perfectly OK to delete. (((hugs)))