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Oh (((flutterby)))
I do feel this with you and will talk with you tomorrow (my time). Try not to worry about her reading here - she'd LEARN heaps about many things like we all learn so much from each other!!! Regarding the 'connection and attachment' stuff - hard to put a label to it but yes I know what you're saying - but I'm too tired to be of use to you, me anyone tonight!!
Please try to breathe through this (like I forget to!) and relax/take the pressure off yourself for a bit.
Talk soon
(((flutterby)))
I do feel this with you and will talk with you tomorrow (my time). Try not to worry about her reading here - she'd LEARN heaps about many things like we all learn so much from each other!!! Regarding the 'connection and attachment' stuff - hard to put a label to it but yes I know what you're saying - but I'm too tired to be of use to you, me anyone tonight!!
Please try to breathe through this (like I forget to!) and relax/take the pressure off yourself for a bit.
Talk soon
(((flutterby)))
BF,
I know how difficult it must have been to hear that she doesn't have maternal feelings for you.
I think only you can answer whether or not she is the right therapist for you, but I guess it boils down to asking yourself this questions:
Do you need your T to have maternal feelings for you in order for your therapy to be effective?
If your answer is yes, then I think you should seek another therapist.
However, if you feel that it is possible to gain something from your therapy with her without the element of maternal feelings for you, then I think you should continue to work with her.
I don't mean to over-simplify things. I know it is a complicated issue and perhaps you don't and won't know the answer to that question until you give it a go with her for a bit.
I know how difficult it must have been to hear that she doesn't have maternal feelings for you.
I think only you can answer whether or not she is the right therapist for you, but I guess it boils down to asking yourself this questions:
Do you need your T to have maternal feelings for you in order for your therapy to be effective?
If your answer is yes, then I think you should seek another therapist.
However, if you feel that it is possible to gain something from your therapy with her without the element of maternal feelings for you, then I think you should continue to work with her.
I don't mean to over-simplify things. I know it is a complicated issue and perhaps you don't and won't know the answer to that question until you give it a go with her for a bit.
Hey Butterfly,
Is it so wrong to want her to care? I'll answer that by being a little sarcastic - not with you, but with her. It's not like you are talking about the weather in there!!! Of course you need her to care. You need her to care about all of you. Your emotions, etc. No!! No!! No!!! I'ts not wrong to want her to care.
That's my answer anyway, Butterfly.
(((HUGS))))
Liese
Is it so wrong to want her to care? I'll answer that by being a little sarcastic - not with you, but with her. It's not like you are talking about the weather in there!!! Of course you need her to care. You need her to care about all of you. Your emotions, etc. No!! No!! No!!! I'ts not wrong to want her to care.
That's my answer anyway, Butterfly.
(((HUGS))))
Liese
I agree that it's pretty natural to need someone to care about what you have to say, about who you are, to want to be open and vulnerable with them. It's not like you're sharing surface information. You're baring your soul. How would it feel to meet a guy, have a few dates, you're about to take the step to (whatever level of intimacy you think is appropriate after a few dates) and he says, "I don't really have any romantic feelings toward you? Now, let's make out!" That's how I would feel if T had not expressed a large degree of interest/care/concern about what I have to say. I'm not saying the maternal feelings MUST be there, but at least the care and connection should. I don't know how many sessions it should usually take though. I think it is different for every relationships, not just with Ts, how long it takes to warm up, based on a variety of factors in both peoples' temperaments and histories. T and I were discussing today how I need him to be very directive in our conversations, because that gives me permission to have meaning/feelings associated with the things that are coming up for me. So, in my case, as scary as it is to admit to him repeatedly, yes, I absolutely require his care to trust/share.
Butterfly,
I'm really short on time so this is shorter than I would prefer.
I don't have a problem with your T not wanting to be a mother figure, I can chalk that up to where she sets her boundaries. What does concern me is that she is not being gentler with your feelings and possible desires about the issue. This is therapy 101 kind of stuff, seeing a therapist as a parental figure, it's discussed all the time in the literature and for her to berate you for a very common feeling seemed insensitive to me. And I'm not sure how much good therapy is going to be if you do not feel comfortable expressing your feelings or experience being heard. And leaving sessions worse than you came (at least consistently, it happens to everyone sometimes) is also a bad indication I think. It may just be that she is not a good match for you. But I would trust your own gut, since you're on the scene.
AG
I'm really short on time so this is shorter than I would prefer.
I don't have a problem with your T not wanting to be a mother figure, I can chalk that up to where she sets her boundaries. What does concern me is that she is not being gentler with your feelings and possible desires about the issue. This is therapy 101 kind of stuff, seeing a therapist as a parental figure, it's discussed all the time in the literature and for her to berate you for a very common feeling seemed insensitive to me. And I'm not sure how much good therapy is going to be if you do not feel comfortable expressing your feelings or experience being heard. And leaving sessions worse than you came (at least consistently, it happens to everyone sometimes) is also a bad indication I think. It may just be that she is not a good match for you. But I would trust your own gut, since you're on the scene.
AG
Thank you, Morgs, LG, Liese, Yaku & AG for all your responses. I know at the end of the day only I can make the decision and maybe what I am looking for just isn’t meant to be. I don’t think my T has done anything wrong apart from perhaps be a lttle insensitive. I just need to learn to deal with my own feelings around this as nobody can ever give me what I didn’t have. Think I am just finding it a hard transition from a T who really did care. I will have to learn to accept that the kind of care I am looking for isn’t going to happen and learn to care for myself and make the most of what I do have. Thanks for your support.
Butterfly
Butterfly
quote:I will have to learn to accept that the kind of care I am looking for isn’t going to happen and learn to care for myself and make the most of what I do have.
Butterfly,
May I push back just a little? I do think that one of the most important and most difficult things we have to face in therapy is that we cannot now get what we didn't get then, we can't go back and make the loss and deprivations not have happened. It's a true loss and needs to be grieved.
Where I take issue is the part about learning to take care of yourself. If you mean that as you taking responsibility to reach out to other people to get your needs met, I agree. But if that's about finding it inside yourself, I disagree.
I think the healing we do in therapy is to learn to recognize that our deep longing for what we didn't get is NOT wrong. What we are longing for was an integral human need. It's HEALTHY to long for it. And to recognize that the needs we still have, to connect, to be understood and to be heard, are also not childish but healthy. And even though we can't go back into the past and get our needs as children met, we can learn in the present to understand our needs now, and learn how to move closer to other people and get our needs met now. We cannot go back but we can go forward and thrive.
Forgive me if this was too preachy. I just don't want you feeling like this is all you when it isn't. You have legitimate needs and desires.
AG
Butterfly,
I am so glad you will try to talk to her about it. As you said, you haven't really been seeing her very long and maybe you have to give it more time for the feelings to develop. I know you had a hard time with your dependency feelings for your last T. But maybe it is something you really need. Although I think you said this on another thread, that you just want more of a balance this time. Maybe the two of you can work together on developing that balance. If she has maternal feelings for some of her patients, then it seems possible she can develop them for you, right?
I know you are feeling down. It hurts when our needs aren't met. But I am so glad you will try to talk to her about it. Because at the end of the day, that's what it is all about, my beautiful caterpillar. That metamorphisis is coming.
(((HUGS)))
Liese
I am so glad you will try to talk to her about it. As you said, you haven't really been seeing her very long and maybe you have to give it more time for the feelings to develop. I know you had a hard time with your dependency feelings for your last T. But maybe it is something you really need. Although I think you said this on another thread, that you just want more of a balance this time. Maybe the two of you can work together on developing that balance. If she has maternal feelings for some of her patients, then it seems possible she can develop them for you, right?
I know you are feeling down. It hurts when our needs aren't met. But I am so glad you will try to talk to her about it. Because at the end of the day, that's what it is all about, my beautiful caterpillar. That metamorphisis is coming.
(((HUGS)))
Liese