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I think it's so amazing that you are doing this. To share something we've created is quite vulnerable. My one year does not come around until late August or early September...and I don't even remember when. 
I most certainly would like to mark the anniversary. Being able to risk ourselves in this way, to take a step closer, rather than wait for T to approach and then run away, is a sign of the healing that is happening. ((((((DF))))))
I most certainly would like to mark the anniversary. Being able to risk ourselves in this way, to take a step closer, rather than wait for T to approach and then run away, is a sign of the healing that is happening. ((((((DF))))))
I think its wonderful that you are going to be giving her the painting you made. I also think the painting is really beautiful. I can't wait to hear how she receives the gift. I can imagine how vulnerable it is to not only be giving T a gift, but to be giving her something you made. Its so personal....very scary indeed! I'm proud of you though. I think it will be very well-receieved.
DF,
Yes!! I think it is great and such a sign of progress that you want to give this to her. I'm sure she will love it.
Do you remember how much I struggled with bringing my T the cookies that I made because every time I made them they weren't perfect? This reminds me of my struggle with that. I'm sure your T will love the painting card and be very touched that you wanted to give it to her and acknowledge the anniversary.
This also reminds me that my 2 year anniversary with T is Friday the 15th. I am not sure if I will do or say anything which is odd, but okay either way.
Yes!! I think it is great and such a sign of progress that you want to give this to her. I'm sure she will love it.
Do you remember how much I struggled with bringing my T the cookies that I made because every time I made them they weren't perfect? This reminds me of my struggle with that. I'm sure your T will love the painting card and be very touched that you wanted to give it to her and acknowledge the anniversary.
This also reminds me that my 2 year anniversary with T is Friday the 15th. I am not sure if I will do or say anything which is odd, but okay either way.
DF ~ oh that sounds wonderful! it is vulnerable, and super sweet. Perfect thing for a T. I think it's great to do. Yay DF!!!
~ jd
p.s. my yr anniversary is this week too!
~ jd
p.s. my yr anniversary is this week too!
DF,
I think it is fine to do whatever you feel comfortable with. There are no rules that you have to follow here and if showing it to her feels okay to do then do that! I hope that you have a good experience with that and can process what came up as you painted it.
Why might I not do anything this year? Well, I'm not entirely sure what that is about. Typically I would, but I guess at least part of me is still feeling apprehensive about the relationship with T. I hate to even type that out as it makes me cringe, but there is something there. Also, it seems like nearly every time I allow myself to feel that vulnerable and really express to T how I feel about her and the help she has given that it causes some sort of reaction inside and then we push her away soon after. So, since things are already a bit tenuous lately, I think I might just acknowledge it verbally and move on.
I think it is fine to do whatever you feel comfortable with. There are no rules that you have to follow here and if showing it to her feels okay to do then do that! I hope that you have a good experience with that and can process what came up as you painted it.
Why might I not do anything this year? Well, I'm not entirely sure what that is about. Typically I would, but I guess at least part of me is still feeling apprehensive about the relationship with T. I hate to even type that out as it makes me cringe, but there is something there. Also, it seems like nearly every time I allow myself to feel that vulnerable and really express to T how I feel about her and the help she has given that it causes some sort of reaction inside and then we push her away soon after. So, since things are already a bit tenuous lately, I think I might just acknowledge it verbally and move on.
DF ~ I think you are handling this well. A big part of therapy is knowing how much we can do, and when to switch gears. I think you are still doing something wonderful just to even acknowledge with your T that it has been a year. It is very appropriate. All of it is.
I'll see my T later in the week, and I hope to say or do something about the 1 year mark. I wrote something about the therapy, and I might give it to her. I also have this silly rock that I took with me around the world that I have been meaning to give to her - and I think I might give her that. All of it is simple and small, but feels huge. It's odd because from the outside, it seems totally ok, but in the middle of this, it feel so big and risky and vulnerable. I'm not sure why it is that way for me.
~jd
I'll see my T later in the week, and I hope to say or do something about the 1 year mark. I wrote something about the therapy, and I might give it to her. I also have this silly rock that I took with me around the world that I have been meaning to give to her - and I think I might give her that. All of it is simple and small, but feels huge. It's odd because from the outside, it seems totally ok, but in the middle of this, it feel so big and risky and vulnerable. I'm not sure why it is that way for me.
~jd
((((STRM))))
DF - Even showing her the print is still an amazing gesture of trust and vulnerability. If I were your T, I would want a copy. 
I know it is so hard to be vulnerable. What time is you appointment (in Pacific time)? I'll be thinking of you!!! ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
I know it is so hard to be vulnerable. What time is you appointment (in Pacific time)? I'll be thinking of you!!! ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
DF,
I saw your post before you deleted it and I think it's a wonderful idea to just share the picture with your T and tell her how you're feeling. I think it would have been totally appropriate to give it to her but it's wonderful that you are able to be aware of how vulnerable you're feeling and choose to still make yourself vulnerable but not take such a big step that it will overwhelm you. That is growth in both intimacy and self-care. I think your T will love to see it.
I do want to encourage you that when I gave my T the cross stitch I designed and made for him, I was really scared, I wasn't completely sure he would accept it. It turned out to one of the best sessions I ever had with him. And I LOVE and take great comfort in the fact that it still hangs on his wall next to his desk.
Let us know how it goes!!
AG
I saw your post before you deleted it and I think it's a wonderful idea to just share the picture with your T and tell her how you're feeling. I think it would have been totally appropriate to give it to her but it's wonderful that you are able to be aware of how vulnerable you're feeling and choose to still make yourself vulnerable but not take such a big step that it will overwhelm you. That is growth in both intimacy and self-care. I think your T will love to see it.
I do want to encourage you that when I gave my T the cross stitch I designed and made for him, I was really scared, I wasn't completely sure he would accept it. It turned out to one of the best sessions I ever had with him. And I LOVE and take great comfort in the fact that it still hangs on his wall next to his desk.
Let us know how it goes!!
AG
DF, I totally get you on this. It's like, sort of counter-intuitive that giving a gift or showing gratitude makes one vulnerable, but it freaks me out. I have been wanting to show my T stuff he set for homework and don't feel like I can do that - it doesn't feel 'welcome', even though he set it. Now I know why people say 'you're welcome' in response to 'thank you'.
quote:Originally posted by deepfried:
Dammit. I'm always at the top of page 2!
the cream always rises to the top!
DF =- sorry I missed your post. I think showing her the picture is almost as great as giving it to her. I'm sure she'll appreciate it and cherish it.
it's ok to wait df - I just want to say that, and tell you it's not a failure, just incase that is crossing your mind. I find it very personal to share art work with my T. Sometimes I do, and it's great, and other times, it's just too tough. I have waited to show her art and it still meant just as much... I hope you do share it with her, when you are ready. It's ok to not be ready and it's ok to take the risk to show her too. I bet she knows her work with you means a lot to you.
quote:This always makes me feel like a failure, a total failure. I feel like I should be able to control it but also feel totally helpless to at the same time. I can't just... trust someone on a dime... and evidently I can't even trust someone after a year even though I know she is safe, I know she will stick with me most of the time because she has stuck with me through it so far... I've never had a chance to practice emotional intimacy so I try and try and try and try and I feel like she says... not good enough, you're still doing it, stop doing that as if I purposely go in there to waste my time with this stuff Frowner
DF,
Put down the hammer, back slowly away from the hammer.
OF COURSE it's taking you a long time to trust your T. Knowing you can trust your T is cognitive left brain information and easily taken in. If that was all therapy was about, telling us "oh no this is the truth" and that was enough, we'd walk through the door, Ts would hand us a book and say "so long, have a nice life." But the right brain is slower to learn and learns ONLY through visceral experience. You learned how dangerous it was to trust over a lifetime. These experiences have carved extremely robust neural networks in your brain and our amygdalas are idiots (my T is fond of saying we have the same amygdala a hamster does). We need to have right brain experience after right brain experience where things turn out well to know that trusting someone is NOT a dangerous thing to do, but it actually safe (and that is vastly complicated by the fact that even people we can really trust will sometimes fail us because they're human). It is this bind, of having to move close over and over again, even though its terrifying which makes these kind of injuries so hellish to heal from. I don't think one year is a long time at all. It took me two years of marital counseling and another two and a half of individual therapy until I was able to really trust my T. And during the course of that I was highly impressed with my own creativity because of the number of ways I found it possible to see him through the lens of the past. It happened the first time I went back after I ended therapy. I was really worried about going back to see him and when I let myself really think about how I was feeling, I realized I was going back to see "dad" and I didn't know if I would find good "dad" or bad "dad." The truth is that these reactions will always be with us to a certain extent, but you get better and better at being conscience of them AND being able to quickly dismiss them.And is it possible that your T pointing it out isn't about condemning you but simply bringing to your attention to your unconscious patterns? In other words, instead of hating yourself for how you're feeling, why not just look at it to see what it says about you. Paying attention and realizing what kinds of situations bring forth these feelings, will make you that much quicker to catch them next time.
AG
(((((DF))))
I do this all the time. I hate that I do, but I do. I’ve learned that it’s a defense mechanism for me. I don’t think its sign of anything you are failing at. It’s a sign of how hellish the nightmare was of what the perp did. You are just trying to protect you.
Yeah, who would?
Yeah, she isn’t the perp, and her wanting you to take meds isn’t like what the perp did. But expecting you to just not fear taking meds that someone else wants you to take is like expecting a war vet to not jump when they hear a loud sound. Yeah the war vet knows he is no longer in battle, but it’s just not that simple… you know what I mean? I know my T isn’t the perp to, but it’s not that easy to not fear her. My T says it will take as long as it takes. Honestly, I think part of why she says this and realizes it, is because my old T pushed so hard for me to trust and it made me fear all the more. So now my current T seriously goes overboard on not pushing me… and it helps…
Just last week I felt really safe with the horses, and it made me mad, because I still don’t feel safe with either of my Ts. Not like I do with the horses. I told my eq T about it and she said the only thing she wanted was for me to stop judging myself so harshly. She said trust will come when it does. (I would rather it come now already!) We work with these little traumatized foals, so my T spends her days immersed in life with scared little hearts fearing her, even though she is clearly safe. When it is a horse, it’s easier to know it’s not about herself. But that translates into therapy with me and others too… It takes awhile for humans to trust too. Especially when that trust has been betrayed in the past. (I'd be worried if you did trust on a dime!)
You are not beyond help. You have related with people one way most of your life – and you did so wisely to protect you. Now you are learning another way to connect and relate. You have made a TON of progress in the last year. You are not where you want to be, but it’s ok to be where you are.
I remember when your T totally didn’t understand at all about the meds issue, and I think she is beginning to understand a lot more now – much because of you and how you have hung in with her and kept communicating with her and she is really listening. It makes sense that you would feel really sensitive to this coming up and why you would feel scared to show another vulnerable thing with her right now. Struggling to trust her on the meds issue, and some of this fall out from it (the impact it has had on trusting your T) NONE of that invalidates all the good things with her and all the progress and hope and help of the last year. Not being ready to show her this is very very ok. Yeah, I know you want to be ready and it's painful to not be there... It's ok to feel reluctant though. In time, it's not oging to be so hard.
Just the fact that you would paint about your therapy and the past year is tremendously amazing. I dunno if I could right now. I think you are learning how to be emotionally close, and you are protecting yourself in a very normal way too. This wouldn’t hurt if you were not learning how to be close with her. Heck, just hanging in with her for a year while going through and talking about all kinds of deep personal stuff is something A LOT of people can’t do with anyone. You are very courageous. So many people can't face or deal with their "stuff" - but you are in the battle, on the road to healing. That is not a small thing. You can be very proud of that no matter what you share with your T.
I dunno if any of this makes any sense or is helpful at all, but just wanted to say that I understand why this is so hard – it makes sense to me and I really really don’t think it is a sign of failure on your part at all. I'm glad you are venting and posting.
hugs,
~ jd
quote:Last session my T said something to the effect of I'm still 'confusing her with the perpetrator' even though I make a conscious effort not to.
I do this all the time. I hate that I do, but I do. I’ve learned that it’s a defense mechanism for me. I don’t think its sign of anything you are failing at. It’s a sign of how hellish the nightmare was of what the perp did. You are just trying to protect you.
quote:who the heck WOULD want to be vulnerable in a situation where someone was going to medicate me and that I'm confusing her again, like I said.
Yeah, who would?
Yeah, she isn’t the perp, and her wanting you to take meds isn’t like what the perp did. But expecting you to just not fear taking meds that someone else wants you to take is like expecting a war vet to not jump when they hear a loud sound. Yeah the war vet knows he is no longer in battle, but it’s just not that simple… you know what I mean? I know my T isn’t the perp to, but it’s not that easy to not fear her. My T says it will take as long as it takes. Honestly, I think part of why she says this and realizes it, is because my old T pushed so hard for me to trust and it made me fear all the more. So now my current T seriously goes overboard on not pushing me… and it helps…
Just last week I felt really safe with the horses, and it made me mad, because I still don’t feel safe with either of my Ts. Not like I do with the horses. I told my eq T about it and she said the only thing she wanted was for me to stop judging myself so harshly. She said trust will come when it does. (I would rather it come now already!) We work with these little traumatized foals, so my T spends her days immersed in life with scared little hearts fearing her, even though she is clearly safe. When it is a horse, it’s easier to know it’s not about herself. But that translates into therapy with me and others too… It takes awhile for humans to trust too. Especially when that trust has been betrayed in the past. (I'd be worried if you did trust on a dime!)
You are not beyond help. You have related with people one way most of your life – and you did so wisely to protect you. Now you are learning another way to connect and relate. You have made a TON of progress in the last year. You are not where you want to be, but it’s ok to be where you are.
I remember when your T totally didn’t understand at all about the meds issue, and I think she is beginning to understand a lot more now – much because of you and how you have hung in with her and kept communicating with her and she is really listening. It makes sense that you would feel really sensitive to this coming up and why you would feel scared to show another vulnerable thing with her right now. Struggling to trust her on the meds issue, and some of this fall out from it (the impact it has had on trusting your T) NONE of that invalidates all the good things with her and all the progress and hope and help of the last year. Not being ready to show her this is very very ok. Yeah, I know you want to be ready and it's painful to not be there... It's ok to feel reluctant though. In time, it's not oging to be so hard.
Just the fact that you would paint about your therapy and the past year is tremendously amazing. I dunno if I could right now. I think you are learning how to be emotionally close, and you are protecting yourself in a very normal way too. This wouldn’t hurt if you were not learning how to be close with her. Heck, just hanging in with her for a year while going through and talking about all kinds of deep personal stuff is something A LOT of people can’t do with anyone. You are very courageous. So many people can't face or deal with their "stuff" - but you are in the battle, on the road to healing. That is not a small thing. You can be very proud of that no matter what you share with your T.
I dunno if any of this makes any sense or is helpful at all, but just wanted to say that I understand why this is so hard – it makes sense to me and I really really don’t think it is a sign of failure on your part at all. I'm glad you are venting and posting.
hugs,
~ jd
oh shiesh. Just cross posted with you both AG and DF, and then quoted myself trying to post this! sorry.
DF ~ that's a great idea to ask your T why she brings it up. I really don't think it is to judge you like you are judging yourself... you know what I mean?
eh, I'm a mess. Hang in there. I hope is goes well with your T today. Be kind to you as much as you can. You deserve kindness.
many hugs,
~ jd
DF ~ that's a great idea to ask your T why she brings it up. I really don't think it is to judge you like you are judging yourself... you know what I mean?
eh, I'm a mess. Hang in there. I hope is goes well with your T today. Be kind to you as much as you can. You deserve kindness.
many hugs,
~ jd
((((((((((DF))))))))))) Don't know what to say, because others have said it so well already, but sending my care and hugs. I think you are really doing well for a year, from what I hear of other peoples' experiences, and also considering what you have in your past to overcome. Trust can seem so impossible, but you are choosing trust every day, bit by bit.
(((((Df))))
Giving your T something is hugely vulnerable, and also just plain a really nice thing to do. I just wanted to validate that, and let you know that I see you.
Big hugs,
BB
Giving your T something is hugely vulnerable, and also just plain a really nice thing to do. I just wanted to validate that, and let you know that I see you.
Big hugs,
BB
((((DF)))) So happy for you! Can't wait to hear more when you have time.
Yay, cannot wait to hear more about it, DF! Sounds like it was a really good thing.
DF,
GREAT!! I can't wait to hear more details. Good for you!
GREAT!! I can't wait to hear more details. Good for you!
yay!!! good job DF!!!
I'm so glad it went well and she received what you had to share. And I do think that was totally worth sharing with us too. So happy for you, DF! ((((((((((((DF))))))))))))) I'm glad you were able to be present with T!!!
DF,
Actually, I think you did a great job describing the session. I totally know what you mean when you say that the feeling inside is bigger than you can describe in words. I feel that often with sessions that go really well.
I'm really happy for you that it went so well.
Actually, I think you did a great job describing the session. I totally know what you mean when you say that the feeling inside is bigger than you can describe in words. I feel that often with sessions that go really well.
I'm really happy for you that it went so well.
I missed it, but I am SOOOO glad for you!
YAY!
BB
YAY!BB
Hi DF... gee sorry I missed both of your posts. I've been a bit MIA around here due to family obligations and homework. I gather that you were trying to figure out what to give your T for a one year anniversary and that you decided to give her something and that it worked out well and it's all good. I'm glad for you. It's very scary to give the first gift. I was really scared to give my T the candle at six months... especially since he warned me about giving him food gifts like I did with oldT. But I knew he would understand the symbolism and the reasoning behind it and so he graciously accepted and I could exhale finally! Not only did he accept it but he praised me for taking a huge risk in giving the gift but also in expressing how I felt about him TO him.
I think that part was scary to you too. Admitting WHY it was impportant to give her something and to recognize the date in some significant way. Good for you for taking a risk! I'm so glad it worked out even if I don't know the details.
TN
I think that part was scary to you too. Admitting WHY it was impportant to give her something and to recognize the date in some significant way. Good for you for taking a risk! I'm so glad it worked out even if I don't know the details.
TN
DF... thanks for filling me in. It seems that you are making progress in expressing yourself and your feelings to your T. That is great.
My family obligations were of the happy variety (for a change). Thanks for asking.
TN
My family obligations were of the happy variety (for a change). Thanks for asking.
TN
Good for you DF!!!!
DF,
This made for really good reading. And STRM is right you did a great job describing it. I've felt that way with my T and what you said brought it vividly back to me, it was a wonderful reminder, thank you! So, yay you!!! You did really good, hard work.
AG
This made for really good reading. And STRM is right you did a great job describing it. I've felt that way with my T and what you said brought it vividly back to me, it was a wonderful reminder, thank you! So, yay you!!! You did really good, hard work.
AG
DF,
I did not get to read your posts before they were removed, but I wanted to say I am so pleased for you that you were able to show your T your art and that it went well. The feeling of letting ourselves be vulnerable to have it met with such care and acceptance is amazing!!! Yay you!!
seablue
I did not get to read your posts before they were removed, but I wanted to say I am so pleased for you that you were able to show your T your art and that it went well. The feeling of letting ourselves be vulnerable to have it met with such care and acceptance is amazing!!! Yay you!!
seablue
Dang DF I come to read your threads at the wrong time and end up only seeing deleted posts, but like others have sort of gathered what this thread was about.
It sounds like your session was pretty positive though despite all the feelings of shame you are being attacked by. That you do art which expresses how you feel strikes me as something you might be able to use more in your therapy. I know you struggled big time here even thinking about offering your T something emotionally meaningful to you – but that you DID take something in and talk about it sounds like a great step forward! – it made me think of Monte and a previous thread (quite a way back now) where she took a portfolio of art in and went through it with her T – it seems to me that might be something you could think about doing in future as a way of really being revealing, as it sounds like you are getting to a place where you’re wanting (?) to be more open about your feelings with T.
I suppose there’s always the fear that T just won’t ‘get it’ – that bothers me when I do things (rarely) like take stuff I’ve written in, and have to read it – that the main points of what I’m expressing which are obvious to me in my words, she doesn’t really pick up on and then I feel f***ing stupid and wish I’d never taken it in the first place. So there’s big risks, but at the same time, a drawing or a painting is ideal for therapy in that she gets the chance to ASK about different aspects of it rather than your having to open up cold...
Anyway it sounds like you’re inching forward bit by bit to being more open about how you feel about your T – that’s gotta be something positive, right?
LL
It sounds like your session was pretty positive though despite all the feelings of shame you are being attacked by. That you do art which expresses how you feel strikes me as something you might be able to use more in your therapy. I know you struggled big time here even thinking about offering your T something emotionally meaningful to you – but that you DID take something in and talk about it sounds like a great step forward! – it made me think of Monte and a previous thread (quite a way back now) where she took a portfolio of art in and went through it with her T – it seems to me that might be something you could think about doing in future as a way of really being revealing, as it sounds like you are getting to a place where you’re wanting (?) to be more open about your feelings with T.
I suppose there’s always the fear that T just won’t ‘get it’ – that bothers me when I do things (rarely) like take stuff I’ve written in, and have to read it – that the main points of what I’m expressing which are obvious to me in my words, she doesn’t really pick up on and then I feel f***ing stupid and wish I’d never taken it in the first place. So there’s big risks, but at the same time, a drawing or a painting is ideal for therapy in that she gets the chance to ASK about different aspects of it rather than your having to open up cold...
Anyway it sounds like you’re inching forward bit by bit to being more open about how you feel about your T – that’s gotta be something positive, right?
LL